The Division Exchange Program
by AngelaD.Pangie
Summary: Division Eleven: Bloodthirsty monsters. Division Four: Peaceful healers. In an effort to improve inter-division relations Central 46 has launched the Division Exchange Program. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite have the effect hoped for...
1. Day One: The Exchange Begins

**Author's Note:**

**WELCOME, one and all, to the insanity that is The Division Exchange Program. Inspired by Mozco's 'Uninvited Guest', this fanfic gets steadily crazier and crazier as time goes on. To give you a few minor spoilers, a few of our main characters includes the sweet but undeniably crapped-on Hanatarou Yamada from Division, Division Eleven's prime nutters including Zaraki and his pink-haired Lieutenant, and Byakuya Kutchiki's hair.  
>If you're interested in my other fanfics or actual writing projects, you can check out my profile page or follow me on Twitter at #!/AngelaDonlan .**

**So get comfortable, leave your sanity at the door and enjoy the wild, whacky fun that is Division Exchange!**

**Thanks for reading,**

**-Angela**

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its associated characters or fictional locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day One**

The Exchange Begins

Hanatarou walked to Captain Unohana's office, jumping out of the way of his fellow squad members as they rushed past him, helping a Soul Reaper who had been injured. He was confused over why he was being summoned to the Captain's office. It wasn't like he was very important in the functioning of the Seireitei. In the functioning of Squad Four.

To be honest, he wasn't really very important in the functioning of his own home. The thought was a little depressing.

So why had Captain Unohana summoned him? He hadn't really done anything spectacular. Besides helping the Ryoka before...

Hanatarou stopped in his tracks, a queasy feeling spreading through him. He was immediately knocked down by another member of Squad Four who snapped at him to get out of the way.

Slinking to the side of the corridor, Hanatarou continued on his journey, but with a new feeling of trepidation.

Surely Captain Unohana wouldn't punish him for _that_, would she? He'd already had a trial...Mind you, Hanatarou had always been vaguely suspicious that he'd gotten off too lightly.

Well, not always. In fact, up until that point he presumed that, since everyone considered him rather unimportant, him turning traitor wasn't really a big deal, as he'd never really done anything to help their side in the first place.

_But what if Captain Unohana thinks different_? thought Hanatarou as he entered the waiting room for Captain Unohana's office. _What if she thinks I got off too lightly. But...Surely she's too nice..._

Hanatarou had a flashback to the time where they had been hosting a large number of Squad Eleven members and, after complaining of the food, Captain Unohana had sent them running with only a few words.

She'd made members of _Squad Eleven _run away.

And she hadn't even threatened them.

She hadn't even _reprimanded _them

She'd just told them that they were under her care!

She didn't even have a glint of malice in her eyes! In fact, they'd been closed!

_I'm going to die_, thought Hanatarou gloomily as he sat down on one of the chairs which were in the waiting room.

Isane Kotetsu stuck her head out of the door and looked around the waiting room. At first her eyes seemed to go past Hanatarou. She stepped out of the office, looking a little irritated as she looked around again.

"Uh..." began Hanatarou timidly. "Are you looking for me?"

"No, I'm looking for..." began Lieutenant Isane automatically. Then she blinked and did a double take. Her eyes finally fixed on Hanatarou. "I mean, yes, I _am _looking for you...Uh...Squad member...Um..." She frowned. "No, don't tell me...It's right on the tip of my tongue...Begins with an 'B'..."

Hanatarou Yamada, who's name didn't even _contain _a 'B', blinked morosely.

"No, no, I know it...B...B...B...Ben? Bika? Beniko?" she began.

"My name doesn't-" began Hanatarou quietly.

"Binon...Banana -no, that's a food...Brett..." interrupted the lieutenant. "Benon...Brad...Benenecka...Balaloompa..."

"Excuse me, lieutenant," tried Hanatarou, wondering if she was just stringing together random consonants and vowels when she couldn't think of another name starting with 'B'.

"B...Oh, never mind. Seat...seat... I _know _I know this," said a frustrated Lieutenant Isane.

"Hanatarou Yamada, Seat Seven," explained Hanatarou miserably.

"...Seat six...No, I don't think so..."

His mood wasn't improved by the fact that even when he told her his name and rank the Lieutenant couldn't remember it.

Lieutenant Isane gave up and just pointed at Hanatarou and said, "you! Captain Unohana is ready for the meeting." Without further ado she knocked on the door and said, "Captain Unohana the man called...Uh...Oh, no, I know this...Um..."

Hanatarou decided to sit down again, knowing it would be a while.

"Are you thinking of the Seventh Seater Hanatarou Yamada?" asked the Captain from inside.

Lieutenant Isane clicked her fingers. "That's the one! Hanitu Yamda the Sixth Seater to see you."

"...Yes," said Captain Unohana. "Send him in."

Hanatarou stood again, all his nerves returning. He was trembling a little as he stepped forward to the door. He walked through and Lieutenant Isane shut it behind him.

"Hanatarou Yamada," began Captain Unohana. This was one of the reasons Hanatarou respected his Captain as much as he did. She remembered his name. "Please, take a seat."

"Thankyou, C-Captain." As Hanatarou was distracted, Unohana glanced down at the little piece of paper she'd written the man's name upon so she wouldn't forget it. Seeing she'd gotten it correct, she looked back up. She felt a little confused at what she was seeing.

"Yamada," she began formally. "Are you cold?"

"N-no."

"Well, are you sick then? If you are, you could have just said so and I wouldn't have made you come today."

"I'm n-not sick, C-Captain," stuttered the man in front of her.

"Then why are you trembling?" asked Captain Unohana obliviously.

Hanatarou was silent for a few moments, seeming to wrestle with himself whether to say something or not. Finally he burst out, "please don't punish me too harshly, Captain!"

Unohana was lost. "Punish you?"

"For...The Ryoka...Before," finished Hanatarou, his gaze never leaving his shoes.

"Why would you think I was to punish you for that? That was dealt with a long time ago..." Unohana searched her memory for his name. _I had it a moment ago_, she thought to herself. But she couldn't glance down while Hanatarou was looking. He would probably correctly conclude that she had his name written down somewhere. Failing everything else, she looked out the window and said, "what's that?"

While Hanatarou looked, she glanced down. "...Yamada. Why would you think I asked you here to punish you?"

"Why else would you ask me here?"

_Fair point,_ thought Unohana, also thinking that Hanatarou probably wouldn't appreciate the real reason he'd been asked to see her. In fact, he'd probably prefer being punished to what she wanted him for. "Because..." _Dammit, not again._ "That's a strange bird." Hanatarou looked again. She glanced down. "...Because, Yamada, I would like you to participate in a new program designed to strengthen ties between our squad and...another Squad."

Hanatarou was beginning to get a bad feeling. "Which squad, Captain?"

"Our relationship with the squad in question had been strained by recent events," Captain Unohana skilfully avoided. "There has been rather a lot of strain between our two squads-"

"It's Squad Eleven, isn't it?"

Unohana dropped all pretences. "Yes, it is."

"Oh, god, I'm going to die."

Unohana smiled at him. "Why would you think that..." _This is getting ridiculous._ "Look, over there!"

"Captain, this is the third time you have tried to distract me in one meeting. You can just admit that you forgot."

"Forgot? Forgot what? Oh..." _Dammit, dammit, what's his name_? "..._you_, I'm not so neglectful a Captain that I forget - look, Ichigo Kurosaki is out the window!"

Hanatarou looked. "Where?"

#

On Earth there is a saying; speak of the devil and he shall appear.

In this case, it was pretty much accurate.

Ichigo was bored. He hadn't defeated anything overwhelmingly powerful in a while and Zangetsu was gathering dust.

His sword hand was get itchy.

_Itchy...Ichigo...Itchy-go...Make the itchy go_...His mind began playing with words. _Make the itchy-go by using Zangetsu...Where are a lot of powerful people to annoy?...The Soul Society...Make the itchy go..._

Ichigo decided to visit Rukia.

He would try his very best not to stir up any sort of life-threatening danger...Of course he would...But these things just happened to him.

Ichigo walked out of his room feeling much more cheerful than before, ignoring the little sing-song voice in the back of his head that kept repeating, _Ichigo make the itchy-go, Ichigo make the itchy-go..._

_#_

Unohana looked down. She looked up again and, while Hanatarou was looking outside, motioned for Isane to write something down. Isane quickly got the point and, finding a large piece of paper, got ready to write the name that her Captain wanted...But couldn't remember it. She looked up in confusion.

"So, _Hanatarou Yamada of Seat Seven_," emphasized Unohana. Isane begun writing it down. She got about half way through the first name then forgot it.

"...Yes?" asked Hanatarou, slightly confused.

"...How are you, today?" Unohana asked the first thing which came into her mind. Seeing Isane's gestures of confusion, Unohana added, "_Hanatarou Yamada of Seat Seven._"

Isane wrote down the rest of 'Hanatarou' and promptly forgot the rest.

"...I'm...Fine, thanks for...asking," Hanatarou said slowly. "How...Are...You?"

"Good, thankyou. _Hanatarou Yamada of Seat Seven_. How are you?"

Isane wrote the first mark of 'Yamada' and looked up, confused again.

"You...already asked me."

"Of course I did, _Hanatarou Yamada of...Seat_..." _...Crap! _inwardly swore Unohana, keeping her face serene. _I don't think I've said a sentence in the last minute without using his name! How could I have forgotten?_

Hanatarou sighed, "if I turn around right now I'm going to see Lieutenant Kotestu trying to write my name on a piece of paper, aren't I?"

"...No."

Hanatarou stood up, walked over to the embarrassed Isane and wrote his name in block characters.

"Oh, my, how did that get there?" Isane asked weakly.

Hanatarou went back to his seat. Then he stood up again, walked back to Isane and underlined his name for good measure before sitting down again.

There was a brief, awkward silence before Hanatarou said, "so what was the program you wanted me to participate in with the Squad of Doom which will get me killed?"

"...Pardon?" asked Unohana, confused.

"The deadly program."

"It's not-"

"If it's got anything to do with the Squad of Doom it's going to get me killed."

"The Squad of _what_?"

"Doom. Impending death. Danger. In other words, everything Squad Eleven stands for," Hanatarou completed before continuing in a haunted manner. "Have you noticed that 'Eleven' sounds like 'Of Doom'?"

"...I can honestly say I've never noticed that."

"No? Listen; 'E-LE-VEN', 'OF-DOOM'. You don't hear the resemblance?"

"I don't think they even have the same number of syllables," pointed out Isane from her position in the back of the room.

"Or sound remotely like each other," said Unohana.

"You don't think so?" asked Hanatarou, sounding surprised. "Maybe it's all in my head..."

Unohana made a mental note to send Hanatarou to a psychiatrist when he got back from the program. _Hang on...Do we even have psychiatrists here?_

Unohana made another mental note to employ a psychiatrist first and _then_ send Hanatarou to them.

"As I was saying," Unohana began again. "The program I had in mind was one called the 'Division Exchange Program'."

If Hanatarou thought he was feeling bad, if he thought that he was down, that he had a bad feeling of premonition about the program, it suddenly multiplied itself by a million. "The what?" he asked in a very small voice.

Unohana was feeling very guilty about what she was about to do, but kept up a cheerful countenance as she said, "The Division Exchange Program. A member from Squad Eleven and Squad Four go on an exchange trip to each other's Squad and-"

"Kill each other?"

"No, of course not-"

"Oh, silly me. How can they kill each other when they're in different Squads?"

"...Exactly-"

"No, instead the Squad Eleven member will be sent here, try to pick a fight with everyone in the barracks, probably ALL AT THE SAME TIME, then try to pick a fight with everyone _NOT_ in the barracks, ALSO AT THE SAME TIME, then try to pick a fight with ANYONE ELSE, even Soul Reapers who ARE NOT, WILL NEVER AND HAVE NEVER BEEN members of the Fourth Division. After that, having COLLAPSED WITH THE RANDOM STAB WOUNDS, he will come crawling back and expect everyone to heal him, probably COMPLAINING ABOUT THE DAMN FOOD!"

Neither Unohana nor Isane realized that the quiet, polite Soul Reaper they spotted sometimes looking bland and unimportant, had anything so..._angry _bottled inside.

The sad thing was that neither could think of a more accurate summary of what would probably occur.

Hm...Maybe eleven did seem like 'Of Doom' after all...

And maybe they would need more than one psychiatrist.

But Hanatarou wasn't finished.

"Of course, we can't forget the poor fool who will be sent to Squad Eleven -which is, of course, me-, who will promptly be CRUSHED, BEATEN TO A PULP, TORN APART, PROBABLY SAT ON A FEW TIMES AND CRUSHED SOME MORE before being sent back to Squad Four IN CONSIDERABLY MORE PIECES THAN WHEN HE SET OUT!"

Still accurate.

Unohana decided to regain control of the situation. She glanced at Isane, who helpfully held up the card. "...Yamada, I'm sure it will be perfectly safe."

"Have you met Squad Eleven?"

"I am sorry (glancing at the card) ...Yamada, but this is necessary. The friction between Squad Four and Squad Eleven had gotten to the point where something must be done. Isane, care to explain?"

Isane stepped forward. "If the current problems between the two divisions are allowed to continue growing then eventually there will be an inter-division war. Basically this would mean that not only would large quantities of both divisions die-"

"What, you mean they wouldn't just slaughter us?"

"Knowing Squad Eleven they would probably turn around and slaughter each other at the same time. This would mean great losses."

"And, of course, you know what would be the worst part of that would be?" Hanatarou asked with an odd glint in his eye. "We would have to HEAL THOSE BASTARDS after."

"I am happy you understand the situation," Unohana said politely.

"I do have one question, though. Why did you choose me?" asked Hanatarou. "Why not someone else? ANYONE else?"

"Because...well..." began Unohana, trying to find a tactful way of saying it.

"It's because I'm the person of least importance in the entire Division, isn't it?"

The Captain didn't say anything. She didn't need to.

"I'd better go pack," miserably said Hanatarou. He walked out with his shoulders drooping.

"That could have gone better," sighed Unohana, genuinely regretting what she had just had to do.

"No kidding," sympathized Isane.

Then Hanatarou walked back in and took the card with his name on it. "I'll probably need this." He walked back out again.

Neither of them had anything to say to that.

"Probably" would have just been mean.

The more accurate "definitely" would have been rubbing salt in the wound.

#

Aramaki Makizou, otherwise known by the hated nicknames of Maki Maki or Mini Moustache, still slept, trying to sleep off the hang over from the day before. It was both made easier and more difficult by the fact that he was still drunk.

Suddenly someone burst through his front door.

"Urgh," he groaned as he slunk away from the light. "Whoever it is go away!"

A large hand grasped the front of his robe. "Fight me and I will!"

He knew that voice anywhere. "C-Captain Zaraki...I'd rather not."

"Maki Maki, wake up!" said an annoyingly cheerful voice.

"Lieutenant Yachiru...How can I help you?"

Without further ado Zaraki picked up Makizou and slung him over his shoulder. "You're coming with me."

Yachiru perched on Makizou's head. He was too drunk to argue with either of them. "So, where did you say I was going," he slurred.

"Squad Four," grunted Zaraki shortly. His lieutenant was a little more forthcoming.

"You're going to stay in Squad Four, Maki Maki!" cheerfully explained Yachiru as she swung on his ear. Some of the pain caused by this penetrated Makizou's drunken stupor.

"I'm -ow- going -ow- where?"

"Squad Four, so we don't fight each other." Some of this made sense to Makizou. Over the last few weeks there had been an increase in the number of arguments between Squad Four and Squad Eleven. More taunts and threats from Squad Eleven. And Squad Four...Well, they hadn't actually done anything. But Makizou had heard rumours of bandages being too tight, of injections hurting more than usual. It was only little things, but considering that, since Squad Eleven were constantly hurting themselves, Squad Four was pretty much the only reason there still was a Squad Eleven...It was kind of scary.

And it made perfect sense to Makizou that him being there would stop the fighting.

He was still drunk, after all.

About half way there Yachiru began swinging on his nose.

That made sense too.

#

Hanatarou stood next to his Captain and lieutenant, waiting for Zaraki. They had been there a while, but, considering Lieutenant Yachiru's infamous reputation for awful directions, no-one would be surprised if they arrived late.

Or even the next day.

In fact, no-one would be surprised if they arrived next week.

Hanatarou really wouldn't _mind _that much either.

Unfortunately for him, Captain Zaraki and Lieutenant Yachiru arrived only moderately late. Captain Zaraki had a Squad Eleven member slung over his shoulder.

"Good Morning, Captain Zaraki," greeted Unohana politely. "This Division Exchange Program will no doubt lead to better relations between our Squads."

"Yeah, sure," grunted Zaraki before throwing the drunken man to them.

That wasn't a figure of speech. He literally threw the man at the ground near Unohana's feet, where he begun groaning, tried to stand up, failed and decided to accept his losses and just groan some more.

"Oh, dear," sighed Unohana. "He seems to be drunk."

"Hammered _hic_," corrected the drunken Squad Eleven member at Unohana's feet.

"Guess that means you'll get more practice healing," Zaraki said, completely unconcerned. "So, if that's all, I guess we should-"

"Captain Zaraki," interrupted Unohana, smiling politely. "Aren't you forgetting something."

Zaraki thought. "Nope."

"Some_one_?" she prompted, still cheerful.

Zaraki thought, looked at his shoulder where Yachiru was looking childish, like she always did. He pointed to himself, pointed to her, looked at his fingers. Counted two. "Nope."

"Captain Zaraki, this is the Division _Exchange _Program," hinted Unohana, being as subtle as a frying pan to the face, and still being very nice about it.

"Yeah...And?"

"_Exchange_."

"...And?"

"Generally exchange means you exchange something."

Zaraki was getting a bad feeling. "Yeah, I gave you my guy."

"But you haven't taken mine."

"Ah- you're kidding. You mean I have to deal with some pansy Squad Four member?"

Unohana was looking nicer than normal. "Weren't you listening to that part of the Captain's meeting yesterday?"

"...My mind may have been somewhere else."

_Like in his little toe_, thought Hanatarou, then got scared for thinking it in case the Captain somehow picked up the vibes of his thought and beat him up.

"Oh. And where was that?"

"Kenny was thinking of fighting!" rejoiced Yachiru.

'Kenny' had the grace to look guilty. For about half a second. Or it may have been a random twitch. "Okay," he sighed. "Who do I have to take?"

Isane pushed Hanatarou so he had to take a step forward. "Him," she pronounced.

"Does he have a name?" asked Zaraki.

There was a brief silence.

Hanatarou helpfully held up the board with his name on it.

"Hanatarou Yamada," said Unohana, pretending she hadn't glanced at the board.

Zaraki was looking at it in confusion. "Why do you have your name on a board?"

"He will be staying with you for a week from today," announced Captain Unohana.

Hanatarou briefly wanted to die.

It was brief because then he remembered that he probably would.

And one glance at Zaraki's face turned that 'probably' into a 'definitely'.

"Okay, let's go," Zaraki said as he slung Hanatarou over his shoulder, luggage and all.

"Yay, more friends!" rejoiced Yachiru. She waved happily at Captain Unohana and Lieutenant Isane. Makizou was too out of it to notice.

Captain Unohana and Lieutenant Isane smiled and waved too. Out of the corner of her mouth Isane said, "I don't want to be negative… But how long do you give him to live?"

"Isane," gently reprimanded Unohana out of the corner of her mouth. "That isn't very nice."

"Sorry," apologized Isane. A moment later she said, "so would you say three days?"

"I would say one and a half if he's lucky."

"Maimed?"

"Probably."

"Shall I set up a special bed that's ready for him when he comes back?"

"Good idea." Both of them watched them go, feeling guilty about giving the poor, innocent man to Squad Eleven. Then they turned back to the drunk man on the floor.

"You know," said Isane. "We should probably check that he's actually from Division Eleven. I wouldn't put it past Captain Zaraki to pick up a random drunk off the street and give him to us."

"I think he's saying something."

"Yeah, you're right." Isane knelt down and listened.

"...I'll stab you...No, I'll hit you...Yeah, you wanna fight?"

She stood. "He's from Squad Eleven." She kicked him.

"Lieutenant, may I ask why you are kicking a drunk man?"

"Because he will probably object to me kicking him when he isn't drunk." She kicked him again.

"So why are you kicking him?"

"To save time." She mushed her foot into his face. "Being from Squad Eleven he's guaranteed to annoy me sooner or later. Look at it like paying before you buy- OW! HE BIT MY FOOT!" She kicked his in the kidneys this time.

"We'd better prepare a bed for him."

#

Hanatarou was getting uncomfortably jostled. Zaraki didn't have a very smooth run. And his uncomfortably large muscles weren't that accommodating either.

"Who are you?" asked Yachiru cheerfully.

"Uh...I'm-"

"Ha-na-ta-ro-Ya-ma-da," recited Yachiru, reading from the board she had somehow gotten hold of. "Who's that?"

"Uh...m-me..."

Yachiru looked at the board. She looked at Hanatarou. She smiled and said, "Droopy!"

"...Huh?"

"Droopy, because you have droopy eyes."

"...If you say so," mumbled Hanatarou.

"So what exactly does your Zanpakto do?" asked Zaraki roughly.

"Uh...I-it..."

"STOP STUTTERING AND GIVE ME AN ANSWER!"

"AH! It takes away wounds!" squealed Hanatarou, which Lieutenant Yachiru seemed to find entertaining.

"Droopy made a funny sound!" she laughed.

"Takes away wounds? Urgh, what a pathetic power."

"I know," acknowledged Hanatarou miserably.

"NO YOU DON'T!" roared Zaraki.

"No, you're absolutely right, I don't know anything!" babbled Hanatarou.

"IF SOMEONE INSULTS YOU, YOU DEFEND YOURSELF!"

"I'm sorry!"

"AND YOU DON'T SAY THEY'RE RIGHT!"

"I'm...Huh?"

"AND YOU DEFINATELY, ABOVE ALL, _DO NOT APOLOGISE_!"

"Oh, Kenny's shouting," pointed out Yachiru, like she was pointing out someone doing something childish and naughty.

"You don't APOLOGISE to the person who INSULTS YOU. You BEAT THEM INTO SUBMISSION!"

"I-I don't think I c-could-"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT STUTTERING?"

"I'm s-"

"AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT APOLOGISING!"

Hanatarou spared a moment for thought before hesitatingly summarizing, "so you want me to fight when someone says something, attack you and never apologize?"

"_**YES**_!"

Hanatarou 's hearing wouldn't be returning for a while.

#

Captain Unohana had gone straight to her office, then began counting the seconds. She got to three before someone knocked on her door.

"Come in," she called calmly.

Isane burst through, panting like she'd come at full speed. "C-captain, it's the Squad Eleven man!"

"I thought it would be." She followed Isane to the bed they'd set up for the man. The man, who, for reasons easily visible, everyone was calling 'Mini Moustache', was on his feet. The term was to be used loosely, as he seemed to be putting more weight onto the wall he was leaning on than on his feet.

Mini Moustache was, at that time, stumbling around and threatening to fight anyone within ten feet.

Safe to say, the room had been evacuated.

In fact, the corridor and all the rooms around Mini Moustache had been evacuated too. There were now little barricades made of desks and chairs at each end of the corridor which seemed to be the only attempt at defence the entire Division was able to make.

"What're you _hic_ looking at," hiccupped Mini Moustache when Unohana and Isane walked into the room.

"Captain, I really think this situation is too dangerous," urged Isane.

"Oh, I think he's harmless," Captain Unohana said nicely as she smiled at Mini Moustache.

"Harmless? He's been threatening anyone within ten feet since he got here! And that's only been a few minutes! Obviously he's dangerous!"

"Lieutenant, look closer, if you will."

Isane looked at him. He accused her of being a magic pumpkin. She looked at her Captain. "I fail to see your point."

"He's stumbling around like his legs are dislocated and I would be surprised if he was clear-minded enough to tell us apart."

Mini Moustache began attacking a bin which he thought looked at him meanly.

"Yes, but he's from Division Eleven. None of that will stop him from attacking everyone and everything near."

Mini Moustache threw up over the bin. "Yer, take _hic_ that."

#

Hanatarou regarded it as a miracle that they finally managed to arrive at the Division Eleven barracks. Lieutenant Yachiru truly did contain the capacity to make anyone anywhere lost. He knew the roads around Division Four barracks like the backs of his hands, yet, within two minutes of travelling with the Captain and Lieutenant of Squad Eleven, it was like he had never set foot in the Seireitei. He had no idea where he was, and Lieutenant Yachiru kept yelling "LEFT, LEFT!"

So Hanatarou regarded it as a miracle they arrived.

That is, until Division Eleven noticed him.

Actually, it was less notice than be forced to acknowledge his presence by Captain Zaraki's loud voice.

"HEY, YOU LOT!" he yelled as he threw Hanatarou on the ground in front of him. "NEW SQUAD MEMBER! DON'T BREAK HIM!"

Then, with those words of wisdom, he and the Lieutenant abandoned Hanatarou, probably in favour if fighting some random person who looked at Zaraki funny.

Hanatarou looked, very slowly, around.

"Um," he said as he slowly crawled to his feet, then inclined his head to everyone present. "H-hello."

"Hey, it's the pansy from Squad Four," said a bald one.

"You mean the one who's supposed to teach us how to get along?" asked another haughtily. "How is he supposed to do that when he's so..._Ugly_. I mean his eyes positively _droop_."

The bald one walked up to Hanatarou.

"I'm Ikkaku, third seat," he announced.

"N-nice to-" began Hanatarou before Ikkaku punched him in the stomach. Hanatarou doubled over, wheezing a little before falling onto the ground.

"Huh," said Ikkaku, hands on hips. "Not very tough, are you?"

Hanatarou twitched a little. Ikkaku took that as a negative. Ikkaku watched the Squad four member twitch some more. "So, what's you name, pansy?"

"Hanatarou Yamada," groaned Hanatarou as he got up. Ikkaku immediately tripped him up, which winded him as he landed on his back. Looking up, he could see two Division Four members standing over him.

"My name is Aesegawa, fifth seat," said the one with a complexion even Hanatarou, who not only had no knowledge of beauty or skin, other than the various infections it could have, and who thought that he was probably dying, had to regard as perfect. "A much more beautiful name than yours. What was it again?"

"Yamada," wheezed Hanatarou.

"...Whatever," said Aesegawa. "It's not beautiful enough to remember. Not doubt your seat is a particularly _ugly _one as well. I don't think you're strong enough to be a fourth seater, so really the only seat I would have a problem with you being with is..." Aesegawa's eyes had come in contact with Hanatarou's sign. Aesegawa's eye twitched. "..._seven._ What a repulsive number. Get it out of my sight immediately!"

Hanatarou turned the sign over, hoping that it would make Aesegawa go away and not hurt him.

He was promptly kicked in the side.

"That's for being ugly!" huffed the man before prancing off, reminding Hanatarou of an offended pony

Ikkaku gave Hanatarou, who was now positive he was dying, a considering look. "Do you like to fight?"

Hanatarou groaned a negative.

Ikkaku looked a little disappointed before temporarily perking up. "Can you fight?"

Hanatarou groaned another negative.

Ikkaku, with a disappointed expression, kicked Hanatarou's other side for good measure before going after Aesegawa.

Hanatarou lay there and pretended to be dead for a while. A few members of Division Eleven came over and saw him.

"What's that?"

"It seems to be that pansy from Squad Four we're supposed to be hosting."

A pause.

"Is he still alive?"

"Probably not."

Another pause.

"Do you think he can fight?"

"Nope."

"Huh. Wonder if he does tricks."

"...Nah."

They wandered off.

After a while Lieutenant Yachiru popped into his line of sight.

"Yay, Droopy!" she cheered. Hanatarou stopped being dead for a moment, seeing as Yachiru was the only one who seemed to be capable of being remotely nice to him out of all the Eleventh Division.

And she was a candy-addicted pink-haired child who bit people. Go figure.

"Hello, Lieutenant Yachiru." He couldn't see Captain Zaraki. Well, it wasn't like he actually tried, but no one was shouting at him, so he assumed the Captain wasn't in the immediate vicinity. "Have you lost Captain Zaraki?"

Yachiru smiled. "No. Kenny got lost because he wouldn't follow my directions so I got bored. Are you bored?"

"Not particularly," Hanatarou groaned a little.

"Well, you seem bored. I know!" Yachiru clapped her hands as she had an idea. "I'll make you happy!"

"...Oh, goody," rejoiced Hanatarou half-heartedly. Yachiru looked down at him, seemingly confused by his lack of enthusiasm. He tried to make amends. "I like being happy. Yay for happiness!"

"That's the spirit!" Yachiru cheered and then proceeded to try and make Hanatarou happy by drawing a smiley face on him. "There. Now since you look happy, you'll be happy." Then she wandered off, probably to go find Captain Zaraki.

Hanatarou decided he should probably go to his accommodations before someone else came along. Unfortunately, he had no idea where they were.

Hanatarou didn't want to ask for directions.

He really didn't want to ask.

In fact, if it came down to it he would rather jump off the nearest cliff than approach one of the volatile members of Division Eleven.

But it appeared he had no choice so he went up to the nearest Division Eleven member and tapped them on the shoulder.

"Excuse me could you IT HURTS IT HURTS!"

The arm which had roughly seized his and twisted it round his back let go. "Oh, it's just the pansy from Squad Four."

Hanatarou spared a moment to wonder why everyone immediately knew who he was.

He didn't wonder why everyone called him a 'pansy'. It was fairly obvious.

"I-if it wouldn't b-be too much to ask for, c-could you point me to my acc-accommodations," asked Hanatarou nervously.

"...Will you fight me if I do?"

"No, thankyou," Hanatarou said quickly.

The Division Eleven member regarded him. "Will you fight me anyway?"

"No."

"...Will you fight me if I hit you?"

"No."

"What, not even if I kick you in the kidneys?" asked the Division Eleven member in disbelief.

Hanatarou winced. "No."

"No? What would you do, then?" questioned the man further, as if he genuinely didn't know what one would do instead of attacking back (because no-one in Squad Eleven would _defend_. It would just be attacking in reply) when attacked.

Or insulted.

Or looked at funny.

Or even just for the heck of it.

"...Probably twitch a bit before dying a painful death," admitted Hanatarou morosely.

The Division Eleven member looked at him in disbelief. "Man, you really _are _a pansy. What's your name?"

"Hanatarou Yamada."

"...Pansy suits you better."

"I know," miserably acknowledged Hanatarou.

"Your room's right there," the man gestured to a small-looking house. "It's the room of...Uh...What was his name...We called him Mini Moustache...Whatever, your rooms over there."

He then wandered off, probably to attack someone.

While Hanatarou began walking to the house he felt a moment's worth of pity for who ever had been sent to Squad Four, who seemed to have been, like him, one of the worthless people who never really did anything useful, and who no-one ever remembered.

That pity died a horrible death when he stepped inside 'Mini Mustache's' room.

#

"This is a bad idea," murmured Lieutenant Isane to herself, fidgeting with her silver braids in anxiety. Only a few moments ago her Captain had informed her in that gently, happy way she had, that she'd be taking care of this.

Now Captain Unohana was stepping towards the drunken man.

The drunk looked around blearily at the movement. He burped and sliced at the air. Isane's breath caught in her lungs but her concern was momentarily wasted, as the man had been slicing in the complete opposite direction.

"Huh? Where'd you go?" he mumbled even though Unohana hadn't moved a step. She was smiling at him.

"Please would you put away your Zanpakto?" she asked.

The man looked like he was going to laugh, then thought better of it, probably as it would have made him throw up again. "No way, you long-haired hippie! Stand still and fight me!" He began waving his sword at Unohana, somehow managing to miss every single swing, despite her not moving an inch.

Nevertheless, it alarmed Isane. "Captain! Please, allow me..."

She wasn't quite sure what happened next.

All that she knew was, one moment, the drunken fool was waving around his Zanpakto, the next he was snoring on the ground and Unohana was, as always, looking nice and motherly.

"Allow you to what, lieutenant? All it took was a little injection," Unohana said, still smiling. Isane decided not to point out that not only did she see no needle, which they occasionally used, but she hadn't actually seen Unohana inject the man. She hadn't even seen Unohana _move_. "We should get him onto a bed. We should probably strap him down this time. Also, Lieutenant, could you get someone to clean all this up?"

#

Hanatarou gaped at the messy abode as his set his luggage and sign (the latter of which was bigger than the former) down.

"This isn't a house, it's a dump," he muttered as he shut the door behind him. There were piles of bottles, random wrappers of food, bowls which needed washing, more bottles, what looked like a bunch of random objects from the street which had managed to fin their way inside the house and even _more_ bottles.

The bottles all smelled of different kinds of alcohol.

It looked like this 'Mini Moustache' not only drank Sake, but also other alcohols like wine, spirits and other funny-smelling beverages. He drank all kinds, and he drank a lot.

And, in what Hanatarou was discovering as typical Squad Eleven manner, had just put aside the rubbish.

He sighed, knowing he could never live in this place unless he began cleaning. At least he got to utilize his talents...

Which, as Hanatarou found as he looked up, vaguely wondering how the bottle which seemed to be stuck on the ceiling was staying up, wasn't a great consolation.

As Hanatarou begun, first cleaning off the marks from his face which formed the smiley face Yachiru had drawn on, he thought of his home back in Division Four, and wondered how much he would have to clean when he got home.

Or how much he would have to rebuild.

Or if there would be anything to rebuild.

Or even if he would actually go home, instead of dying there.

He found out that the bottle was stuck to the ceiling by a random substance which he decided not to think about and just clean off. After what seemed like a long while but was actually only a short one, Hanatarou being rather talented at cleaning, he was finally doing the washing with the door wide open to air out the place, which smelled like it hadn't had fresh air inside for...Well, ever, really. Hanatarou wouldn't be surprised if, somehow, the air which had first been in there had become stale immediately after drifting in.

Inside, the house was actually fairly nice. Everything which was rubbish had been thrown out, stains had been cleaned off, and everything which Hanatarou really wasn't sure about, he just put on a shelf in the corner. The objects of the shelf now included a Mexican hat, a large stuffed animal of some kind which Hanatarou was fairly certain was a weasel and a cheese grater.

He was hanging the washing up outside and found he was subject to many curious glances. After a short while some began to wander over and ask what he was doing. The first was Ikkaku.

"Hey...Uh..."

"Yamada."

"Yamada...Watcha doing?"

"The washing."

"...Why?"

"Because it was dirty," Hanatarou told him. "Although I'm not sure this stuff actually belongs to him."

"Why's that?"

Hanatarou held up a lacy black bra.

"Ah. Well...I'll just leave you to it," Ikkaku told him before wandering off innocently. Hanatarou, not being a complete idiot, was immediately suspicious.

Sure enough, when he looked back to the pile of washing, it had doubled in size.

"Ah! Ikkaku...Uh..."

Ikkaku turned around, hand on his Zanpakto hilt. "What?"

"...Nothing."

Ikkaku walked off. Hanatarou kept going, hanging up a series of clothes which included a baby's bib and something which Hanatarou really hoped was a large, lumpy sock, when Aesegawa wandered over.

"So...washing...It's a very ugly occupation."

Hanatarou looked away for a moment as he hung one of Ikkaku's robes up, cheerful because the washing was almost finished, said, "I suppose. But somebody has to do it."

"I'm glad you volunteered. Try not to crease my things."

When Hanatarou, very slowly turned around, his pile of things to wash had tripled in size and Aesegawa had disappeared. Hanatarou sighed and got on with it, unable to help noticing that Aesegawa's clothes were all well made and silkier than any of the other clothes he had worn so far.

Gradually what seemed like, and probably was, every single member of Division Eleven, wandered over, as if by random, not even carrying on extra piece of clothing and then left in a hurry. Every time this happened Hanatarou's pile of clothing to wash grew some more.

A few asked him if he wanted to fight.

Hanatarou always politely declined.

He also noticed that rather a lot of the clothing was stained by blood.

And other bodily fluids that he would rather not know about.

It was particularly hot that day (Hanatarou did the washing in the shade before hanging it in the sun) so the clothes dried fairly quickly. Hanatarou was fairly happy about the process of clothes distribution after they dried. Random members of Division Eleven just drifted over, said a few words to Hanatarou (Usually something along the lines of 'Want to fight, Pansy?") before drifting off, and the line would have less on it than before they had come. Of course, there were a few disputes over who's clothes were who's, especially since all the robes looked the same. And even if their clothes were completely different, they'd pick a fight over them anyway. Hanatarou just ignored this and washed the newly-bloodied robes when they were handed to him.

Even Yachiru came to him eventually. She was dragging a large pile of clothes in a fairly obvious way. "Hiiiiiiii, Droopy!" she called. "I have some clothes for you to wash!"

Hanatarou sighed, got up, took the clothes and added them to his pile. "All these are yours?"

"Nope. Some are Kenny's."

"Of course they are," Hanatarou said as he held up a large, blood-stained (more than the others) robe big enough to accommodate about ten Hanatarous. While he was washing he oversized robes, Yachiru decided to hang around.

"Droopy is funny," she said cheerfully.

"I'm glad you think so," Hanatarou said, touched.

"It's funny when he twitches!"

Hanatarou wasn't so touched.

"And thinks he's dying."

Hanatarou was decidedly less touched.

"And makes funny groaning noises."

Hanatarou wasn't touched in the least.

"And-"

"Lieutenant Yachiru, are these yours?" asked Hanatarou as he held up a fluffy red and white dress, partly out of genuine curiosity and partly to change the subject.

"Of course they are, silly! Kenny wouldn't fit in those!"

"...Yes, but...It's red."

"Red is a nice colour."

"...The dress was originally white. I can see the white bits."

"Red is a _nice colour_," repeated Yachiru with a big smile.

"Yes, but...This is _blood_. How would this much blood get on a white dress which you were wearing?" asked Hanatarou as he began to wash to dress in question, wondering if he'd ever heard of lieutenant Yachiru wearing a dress before. He didn't think he had.

"I wear that dress when I'm rejoicing in the death of my enemies," Yachiru pronounced happily as she began balancing on the washing line.

Hanatarou was a little creeped-out by this, but there had to be a reason she was in Squad Eleven, so he continued. "But...this dress in almost completely red."

"My enemies bleed a lot."

"But how would it get onto your dress?"

"I _like _red." Yachiru grinned.

"That still doesn't explain-"

"I like red so much that when I rejoice in the death of my enemies, I play in their blood."

Hanatarou felt that he may be sick.

"Sometimes it's still squirting out when I play in it, so it's like a red shower."

Probably would be sick.

"And I like rolling in it too."

_Definitely _would be sick.

"I really like red!" finished Yachiru happily. She looked at Hanatarou. "I also like green, which is the colour of your face right now."

"Urgh," replied Hanatarou. He took a few deep breaths and hung up the last of the washing. "There, done."

"Yaaaaaaay!" cheered Yachiru.

For a moment, Hanatarou almost felt like cheering with her.

"Now Droopy can play with me!" Yachiru rejoiced.

Hanatarou didn't feel like cheering any more.


	2. Hanatarou is a Pansy

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day One**

Hanatarou the Pansy

A minute later he felt like cheering even less.

"I'm not sure this is safe," he said as he stood on top of a building, playing hopscotch with Yachiru. Yachiru had decided that the best was to play hopscotch was on the roof of very high buildings. In fact, she decided that it was most fun the play on the ledge which marked the edge of the roof.

"Of course it isn't, Droopy!" rejoiced the child lieutenant. "That's why it's fun!"

"Your definition of fun and mine seem kind of different," he mumbled, eying the roughly drawn hopscotch squares.

"Come on, Droopy!" cheered Yachiru.

Hanatarou looked at the infinitely happy pink-haired girl and, not wanting to disappoint her, took a deep breath before lifting his foot.

"PANSY FROM SQUAD FOUR!" an extremely loud voice yelled.

Hanatarou fell off the building.

Half off, anyway. His weak arms managed to latch onto the edge of the ledge and, in a manoeuvre which required him to use every muscle he had, pulled himself up. Once he was on the ledge (Yachiru had vanished) he, still lying down, peeked over the edge at what had startled him.

Captain Zaraki stood on the ground. Even if Hanatarou had been unable to tell it was Zaraki by his immense stature and even more immense voice, he would have been able to tell it was him by the little pink-haired blob which sat on his shoulder.

So _that _as where lieutenant Yachiru had gone to.

Hanatarou ignored the fact that it was physically impossible to go from the top of the building to the bottom in about half a minute and said, timidly, "y-yes?"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT STUTTERING!"

"I'm sorry-"

"**AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT APOLOGIZING**!" without waiting for him to reply, the Captain went on to say, with no change in tone, "I saw what you did to that house."

For a moment, Hanatarou was confused. It sounded as if he had vandalized a house or something so he said, "I didn't do anything to a-"

"Yes you did. No-one else would have done it," Zaraki pointed out.

Hanatarou slowly said, "you mean...Cleaning the house I'm supposed to live in?"

"Yeah, that's it. So you admit it was you!"

Wondering if he had violated some kind of Division Eleven law, Hanatarou nodded, too scared to speak.

"Great, then you can clean up the rest of the barracks!"

"I...Huh?"

"The other Captains have been telling me that they'll get the Soul Society Health Inspectors on me if I don't get someone to clean up the barracks. So YOU can do it."

Hanatarou looked around at the barracks. Even from that height he could see why the health inspector would be called. New types of insects had probably grown from the piles of junk they kept around there.

"I'm not sure it's physically possible for one person to clean all of this," he muttered.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, SQUAD FOUR PANSY?"

"Ah, nothing, Captain Zaraki!" squealed Hanatarou, thinking that he probably wouldn't be needing that sign, as everyone seemed content to call him 'Pansy'.

"Haha, Droopy made a funny noise again!" laughed Yachiru happily. Captain Zaraki walked off, talking to her. Hanatarou miserably looked around before sighing.

"I'd better get started," he said in resignation.

Not all of the houses in the barracks were bad. A lot of the members of Squad Eleven spent more time fighting and drinking then passing out in the street rather than staying in their own home, so for the most part all Hanatarou had to do was tidy up a little and sweep. There were a few...places which Hanatarou found...Horrifying. But those were, thankfully, a lot less in number than the insects would imply. The easiest to clean was probably Aesegawa's.

He had timidly knocked on the door. Aesegawa answered. "You, it's the ugly pansy. What do _you _want?"

"I'm, uh, cleaning the barracks," he mumbled. "Captain Zaraki says I have to."

"...Well, if the Captain says it," consented Aesegawa as he stepped back from the open door. "Just try not to be too ugly while you're here." Hanatarou stepped in, politely closing the door behind him. Ikkaku was inside, drinking Sake with Aesegawa, who also began doing the same.

Hanatarou looked around. The place was spotless. Everything was neat, tidy and in it's place. Even the bathroom was clean. All Hanatarou had to do was do a little dusting. He wondered why this was. After all, it seemed a sacred law in Division Eleven that messiness was a holy thing (as well as drinking and fighting). So why was Aesegawa any different?

As Hanatarou left, he heard the answer.

"...So, I figure, why should I do all that stuff when I could just get someone else to do it?" mumbled Ikkaku drunkenly, stating the traditional Division Eleven ideology, waving around a bottle of Sake.

"Be careful! You might spill some, and I find stains hideous!" yelped Aesegawa. "Or messiness of any kind!"

_That explains it,_ thought Hanatarou. The whole day had been tiring and it wasn't even finished yet. It was only mid afternoon, but it seemed like whole years had passed since he'd been assigned to the Division Exchange Program.

And he still had the biggest hurdle to go.

_The Captain's house_.

Captain Zaraki's house was bigger than the others. It was also marginally more messy.

All Hanatarou was able to say about it afterward was that there was a lot of dried blood and random objects including, at one point, a komodo dragon. The rest he pulled together into a small, traumatized ball, scrunched it up as small as it would go and filed it into a deep corner of his brain where he was never likely to venture, then mentally put up ten-feet walls around it, shut the whole thing in a safe (walls included) and locked it up with a large white and red sticker saying 'DANGEROUS: DO NOT TOUCH FOR FEAR OF MENTAL INSTABILITY' on top.

There were only two rooms which he didn't mind. One was definitely Lieutenant Yachiru's.

Hanatarou didn't think Captain Zaraki would have a pink room with a fluffy white carpet and posters of ponies on the walls, not to mention the _actual _pony in the corner which was contently munching some hay.

He wondered about the pony.

The only other room he didn't mind was one he couldn't clean. He couldn't clean it because of the huge piles of paperwork which lined...Well, everything, really. The piles of paper made paper walls and paper halls in the room and almost created a little labyrinth in the room. At first Hanatarou had been afraid that he would make the piles of paperwork fall over, but the years of being in the same position seemed to have made the papers sort of seal themselves together, creating piles of paper which were as solid as rock. He didn't mind this room because it wasn't horrific in the least, and the papers were almost novel.

Eventually he finished with a weary sigh. He walked outside. Ikkaku happened to be passing. He blinked blearily a Hanatarou.

"Good afternoon," Hanatarou said politely.

"You...cleaned that?" asked Ikkaku in disbelief, looking from Hanatarou to the Captain's house.

Hanatarou felt stirrings of pride. "Yes. I suppose I did."

"And nothing ate you?"

"...No."

"You mean there weren't any crocodiles?"

"...No. There was a komodo dragon, but that hissed at me and then escaped."

"No man-eating lions?"

"...Not that I noticed."

"No poisonous reptiles?"

"Not unless komodo dragons are poisonous."

"Nothing deadly or dangerous?"

This caused Hanatarou to shudder and he mentally put another wall around the mental safe in the back of his mind, just to be safe in his sanity. "Oh, I wouldn't say that."

Ikkaku paused for a moment before saying. "This is clean." He had changed into one of the freshly washed robes.

"Um...That's good to know," Hanatarou said, wondering if he was hearing a thankyou. He felt a little more proud, a little more confident in himself.

After all, if he could illicit a thankyou from someone from _Division Eleven_, what couldn't he do?

Ikkaku randomly produced a broom from nowhere. "Sweep the streets. They're dirty."

The pride and confidence shrivelled up and died and Hanatarou took the broom with a sigh and said, "yes, sir." He began to sweep.

A little while later Hanatarou wasn't looking where he was going, too intent on the task at hand, and ran into something which had about the same feel as a large, lumpy wall.

A hand swatted him away like one would swat away a fly. Hanatarou flew ten feet before landing on his rear.

"I'm sorry, Captain Zaraki," he babbled, seeing the large, scowling figure. "I wasn't looking where I was going, it's completely my fault-"

"APOLOGISING AGAIN!"

"No," Hanatarou said as he shook his head frantically, wondering if he should bother to get up. "Of course not-"

"Ha, so you're challenging me!"

"No, I wouldn't dream of challenging you, Captain Zaraki!" _Only in my nightmares_.

"What did you attack me for, then?" roared Zaraki.

"I wasn't attacking you, I swear, I was just sweeping and not looking where I was going so I ran into you," babbled Hanatarou, deciding not to get up as the Captain would probably swat him away again.

But something had made Captain Zaraki stop and look at him in surprise. "Sweeping? You can't have finished cleaning the barracks already?"

"Uh...Yes, I did."

"What, even the common room?"

Hanatarou shuddered. "Yes."

"Every room?"

"Yes, sir."

"The bathrooms?"

Hanatarou twitched a little and fought the urge to curl up and cry. "I did, Captain."

Zaraki thought for a moment before coming up with something he was sure would catch Hanatarou out. "Even my quarters?"

"I did them just now," whispered Hanatarou as he curled into the foetal position.

This stumped Zaraki. "How did you do that? The place hasn't been cleaned since...Since I became Captain."

"I don't remember."

"How can you not remember?"

"I'm desperately trying not to."

The Captain thought about this and thought it was probably accurate. "Well, you've done a good job, Pansy."

Hanatarou sat up. "Thankyou, Captain Zaraki!"

"In fact, I think you work harder than anyone else does around here, me included."

Hanatarou stood as he said, modestly, "oh, I'm sure that's not true-"

"It's not a compliment. Anyone who works instead of fights is a pansy."

Hanatarou couldn't argue with this.

"I actually think you're the only one who has done any work in the last two centuries within this Division."

He couldn't argue with that either.

"Which is why you're going to do my paperwork."

"...Huh?"

"It's been building up and I figure, since you seem to like work, you can do it all," Captain Zaraki told the gaping Hanatarou, completely unconcerned. "Hm...I wonder where Yachiru wandered to..."

"Probably riding the pony," Hanatarou mumbled.

"Probably," agreed Captain Zaraki before doing a double take. "How did you know about the pony?"

"I saw it when I was cleaning."

"Ah...Did you also see the paperwork storage room?"

Hanatarou found it a little odd that the Captain had a storage room for paperwork. "I don't think so...No..._No_, please no...Is it that room...Full of paper?"

"That's the one. Since you know where it is, I'll just leave it to you." With that the Captain walked off, probably looking for someone to fight and/or terrorize.

Hanatarou was frozen for a moment. For several moments, actually, while he pondered deep and meaning things like what would happen if he just set the paperwork on fire instead of actually doing it.

Figuring that Captain Zaraki would probably use his head as a football to play with Yachiru with, he sighed and went to get started.

#

Makizou opened his eyes blearily. He groaned a little and closed them again. A large hangover was making him feel like someone was beating him over the head with a frying pan. He was accustomed to this feeling and knew the perfect antidote, one which was better than fried food or water or anything else.

More alcohol.

He reached for the bottle which was beside him. Instead of encountering smooth glass, it encountered cloth.

"Good evening," said a female voice. Makizou opened his eyes again.

All members of Division Eleven were familiar with the beds of Division Four because...Well, they were Squad Eleven. They got hurt a lot. There wasn't much more to explain. So Makizou immediately knew where he was.

"What am I doing here?" he mumbled. "And where's my sake?"

"You are here as a part of the Division Exchange Program," said a nice lady who Makizou immediately recognized as the Captain of Division Four.

"...The what?" asked the confused, hung over man. Captain Unohana spared a few minutes to explain to him, in great detail, what the Division Exchange Program actually was. She used phrases like 'inter division friction' and 'beneficial to both Squads'. Makizou understood about half of it, so he had to sum it up in his own words.

"So you're saying that I have to spend a week here?"

"Not specifically here, but essentially yes," Unohana explained. "You will be spending a week with us...Your name is?"

"Aramaki Makizou," grunted Makizou.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Makizou," smiled Captain Unohana. "You look like you could do with some rest so I think I'll leave you alone for now and catch up with you tomorrow." She began to leave.

"Hang on," said Makizou. "I have some questions." He rethought his words, thought he should be more polite. "Captain."

Unohana turned around, smiling. "Of course, I would be happy to answer any queries you have."

"How much will I be able to fight?"

"I would discourage any fighting while you are here," the nice lady told him. "Or I will have to discipline you the same way I would discipline my Division members."

_Yeah, like that's a threat_, inwardly jeered Makizou, deciding to pick a fight with someone as soon as possible. "And will I be able to drink?"

"The recreational consumption of alcohol is banned, I'm afraid."

"So no drinking?"

"No drinking."

Makizou considered this. Not drinking was inconceivable, therefore the Captain hadn't said it, therefore he could drink. He was happy with that. "What will I actually be doing while I'm here?"

"Helping out with our patients a little, nothing too heavy," she assured him. "DO you have any other questions?"

"Nuh."

"Then I will be seeing you tomorrow. Try to get some rest," she told him gently as she left the room. Makizou closed his eyes and wished he was drunk again.

#

Lieutenant Isane had been waiting just outside the door in concern. She straightened up when the door opened and breathed a sigh of relief to see her Captain unharmed. She had never actually seen Unohana fight. It wasn't that she was unsure her Captain had the ability to fight; in fact, the entire Seireitei knew that she was an exceptionally capable fighter. It was just that...Well, Isane sometimes forgot that. She got protective. Isane became like the protective big sister who would glare mistrustfully at the people her younger sister spoke to, forgetting that not only could the younger sister kick their asses, but also hers. At the same time. With one hand.

Even so, Isane got protective. She couldn't help it. When Unohana smiled she was like niceness incarnate. And Isane was used to niceness meaning vulnerability.

"Really, Isane, you must stop being so concerned about me," gently reprimanded Unohana as she observed Isane's sigh of relief.

"I don't trust that guy," said Isane as they began walking back to Unohana's quarters.

"Well, I can't say here's been much to trust yet, but he may surprise us."

"He's from Squad Eleven."

"Like I said, he _may _surprise us. Probably not, but you must keep hoping."

"What has he said so far?" asked Isane. "No, let me guess; he groaned a bit from the nag over he probably has, he looked around for more alcohol and he asked how much he could drink and fight."

Captain Unohana eyed her lieutenant. "You are a very intelligent woman, Isane."

"In this case I wouldn't need to be. He's from Squad Eleven. All they do is drink and fight. Except that creepy one who thinks he's beautiful. He drinks, fights and compliments himself, sometimes at the same time. But, the point is, he's from Squad Eleven. You just have to base any assumption around drinking and fighting and it's probably accurate."

Unohana had to admit that it was largely accurate.

"So what are you going to make him do tomorrow?" questioned Isane as they drew closer to Captain Unohana's quarters. "Mop up vomit or other bodily fluids? Clean?"

"Isane," gently reprimanded Unohana. "We're teaching him about us, not torturing him."

"Well, you can't trust him near the patients. He'd probably try to fight that and, failing that, challenge them to a sake drinking contest."

"...I'll keep a close eye on him," Unohana promised. They had reached the door which led to Captain Unohana's room. The Captain had a house separate from the main hall but it was rarely used, as she preferred accommodations closer to where she may be needed. She never knew when she would have an urgent summons in the middle of the night to treat someone who would otherwise die.

"Goodnight, Captain," Isane said.

"You as well, Isane," Unohana replied and had her hand on the door when the hurried footsteps of someone running reached their ears.

A medic tore around the corner yelling, "Captain Unohana! There is a medical emergency!"

"I'm coming," assured Unohana, ready to follow. Isane stepped after her but the Captain held a hand out. "No, Isane, you get some rest. I can handle this."

"But-"

"Sleep, Isane," Unohana told her before walking away. Isane didn't argue this time, recognizing the futility of it. Isane smiled. That's just the kind of person her Captain was. She would stay up all night herself but would only request the same of another in desperate need.

She yawned, realizing how tired she was before going to bed.

#

Captain Unohana knew immediately the cause of the three injured Soul Reapers who looked more like bloodied lumps of moaning flesh than sentient beings. She had helped fix them up and was now reasonably sure they would survive.

Unohana had seen the worst over her time in Squad Four. She had seen injuries which would have made others melt with fear, and had been judged untreatable by others. She had healed the worst. That was why she was Captain. And, over time, she had gained the knowledge of which sword inflicted which blows and could now tell who had attacked someone from their wounds.

So when she saw the three moaning lumps of meat, she immediately realized that Ichigo Kurosaki had come back.

#

Ichigo didn't regard himself as a violent man.

...

Okay, he regarded himself as a violent, brutal blood-thirsty man who would cut an enemy open before looking at them.

But that was only _enemies_. The Soul Reapers at the gate let him through happily, so they weren't enemies. The Soul Reapers who looked at him then crossed to the other side of the road weren't enemies.

However, drunken louts who challenged him to a fight by throwing a bottle at his head?

They were enemies.

So he didn't feel guilty when some Soul Reapers from Division Four came after he had defeated them all and timidly dragged them off.

Ichigo walked through the streets, trying to remember where Rukia lived. Thinking of Division Four made him think of the droopy-eyed guy from Squad four who had tried to help them rescue Rukia before. Making a mental note to drop in on him some time, he vaguely wondered where Hanatarou was and how he was doing...

#

Hanatarou felt like crying. Instead he peeled yet another sheet off the nearest pile, which was from a century and a half ago. He'd already gotten through a quarter of what was there.

It was made a lot easier by the fact that most of the paperwork were death certificates which just had to be put into the outbox for his own Squad. The number of death certificates seemed to peak at the time Zaraki became Captain, slowing down a little as time went by. Hanatarou had already filled a cart and a half of death certificates, putting them aside for later.

He looked down at the sheet of paper in his hand.

_Death certificate...died after sneering at Captain Zaraki..._were all his eyes registered before he put it on the pile for Squad Four. He had found that a large number of the death certificates were like that.

About ninety percent, Hanatarou would say.

And the remaining ten were things like, _annoyed lieutenant Yachiru, who made him play hopscotch on top of buildings until he fell to his death_, or one which made Hanatarou feel particularly queasy, _fell into a giant blender after lieutenant Yachiru wanted to see if he could jump over it_.

He felt he had to be more careful which games he played with Yachiru (or rather, which games she would force him to play) in the future.

Hanatarou sighed, rubbed his tired eyes and looked at the rather large pile meant in the outbox for Squad Ten. Hanatarou had organized things so that they had an outbox for each of the thirteen court guard Squads. For some reason a large amount of paperwork from each division ended up in Captain Zaraki's paperwork storage room. It was kind of like Zaraki was the only one who would openly just shut all of the paperwork away and ignore it and so, when ever they didn't feel like filling out all the forms, the paperwork was just sent to Zaraki in a brown package with 'Paperwork for Division Eleven' stamped on the top, even when it had nothing to do with Division Eleven, probably in the hope that it would be accidentally destroyed or something.

Hanatarou knew about the packages and how they had 'paperwork for Division Eleven' stamped on them because he'd come across several of the packages. They actually made things easier for him as he only had to put 'Return to Original Mailer' across the front and send it off.

He was proud of the fact that there was a lot less paperwork from Squad Four, and the paperwork there was seemed to be generally legitimate things like, _'Captain Unohana requests Death Certificate of_...' and 'Captain Unohana requests that the new Captain Zaraki of Division Eleven stop challenging members of Squad Four to fights...' That last one had holes in it, making it look like someone had pinned it up and thrown darts at it.

Which wasn't so unthinkable of Captain Zaraki.

But, for some reason, there was a lot from Division Ten. Hanatarou had to wonder at this.

#

Matsumoto was, as usual, sleeping on her boss's couch while he did the paperwork. All of the sudden she had a completely random flashback...

_Matsumoto had just been appointed lieutenant. She was excited about her new day. She looked at the huge pile of paperwork waiting and was no longer excited. Thinking fast she surreptitiously put it all in a big box and mailed it to Division Eleven, hoping they would attack it or what ever they did with the paperwork over there. She then decided to drink some Sake. The next day she wok up, having fallen asleep on Hitsugaya's couch, and looked up again, almost groaning as she saw _another _huge pike of paperwork. Thinking how well her plan worked the previous day, she repeated the same feat._

_The next day Hitsugaya began asking questions. "Lieutenant Matsumoto, where are those forms I put on your desk last week?"_

_On that occasion she had been drunk and said, "teehee, you have white hair."_

_A vein throbbed in Hitsugaya's temple._

_He very quickly learned not to give her paperwork._

"Matsumoto!" yelled Hitsugaya. She snapped out of her trance

"Huh?" she replied intelligently.

"I've been trying to get your attention for about ten minutes. You were just staring into space drooling and then said, 'you have white hair'. What happened?"

Matsumoto looked at Hitsugaya for a moment. "...Nothing. And I don't drool."

She wiped away the string of drool which had formed at the side of her mouth.

"I just saw you wipe it away."

"No, you didn't."

As Matsumoto had learned long ago, denying always worked. Especially when you denying receiving certain forms.

She vaguely wondered what had happened to them...

A knock on the door made her jump and bounce in awkward places. Hitsugaya went and answered it.

"...Uh...Y-you're Captain Hitsugaya?" stuttered a timid voice. Matsumoto looked at the droopy-eyed man in the doorway and her eyes glazed over. Just looking at him too long made you forget he existed.

"I am," replied Captain Hitsugaya. "Is there something you want?"

"Y-yes, I was doing Captain Z-Zaraki's paperwork-"

Matsumoto burst into laughter. She couldn't help it. "That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Division Eleven paperwork doesn't get done. They use it for target practice or something...Wait, they use each other for that. But they don't actually do paperwork."

The man's eyes took on a haunted countenance. "No, they make me do it. After sweeping their streets. And cleaning their houses. And cleaning Captain Zaraki's house."

_Poor man,_ Hitsugaya thought sympathetically as the man looked as if he wanted to curl up and cry in the corner.

"One person couldn't do all that. It's physically impossible," protested Matsumoto as she waved her hand, looking away from the man. "I've seen the new kinds of insects that breed from the filth of that place. Not even they would be so cruel as to make someone try and do that."

"They would be," replied the man in a very small voice as he really did curl up in the corner and begin to cry. Matsumoto and Hitsugaya traded a glance, almost having a mental conversation which Hitsugaya thought went like this:

Hitsugaya: _I think he's suffered enough. let's leave him alone for now._

Matsumoto: _I agree._

But which Matsumoto thought went like this:

Hitsugaya: _I feel like drinking Sake but I'm too busy being an uptight white-haired prodigy to remove the stick that is currently up my ass to do it._

Matsumoto: _I have no such reservation and am going to drink Sake until I pass out on your couch, hopefully not on my stomach or my ridiculously large bosom will smother me. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

Hitsugaya wondered why Matsumoto was sniggering. He decided to ignore her and looked at the man in the corner of his office. "What did you actually come here to do?"

The man rose a trembling hand to point outside the door between sobs before resuming the foetal position. Captain Hitsugaya frowned and walked outside. He looked in the wheelbarrow.

The temperature decreased by several degrees.

"Lieutenant Matsumoto, could you come out here, please?" asked the Captain in a perfectly reasonable voice which belied the drop in temperature and which sent alarm bells ringing in the lieutenant's head. Nevertheless, he was her Captain and so she went outside.

"Wow," she exclaimed, looking at the large amount of paperwork in dismay. "Is that all of what he had to do?"

"It isn't even a quarter," came a voice muffled by something which was probably the ground the man was trying to sink into.

"I've got to feel sorry for you," Matsumoto continued, really wanting not to be next to her Captain at that very moment as frost began forming on the ground directly under him. "I know how hard it is to do work-"

"You wouldn't, actually. You never do work," Hitsugaya told her stiffly.

"Of course I do," she said as she began inching away.

"THE EVIDENCE IS RIGHT HERE!" screamed Hitsugaya. "THIS IS ALL THE PAPERWORK YOU'VE SENT OFF TO DIVISION ELEVEN TO GET OUT OF DOING IT!"

Matsumoto stopped feeling sorry for the man currently having a break-down in the Captain's office.

Then they heard a crash. Matsumoto and Hitsugaya rushed back in, the lieutenant with huge feelings of relief, to see what had happened.

The man was sitting, looking shell shocked, next to a rather large hole in the wall.

All three of them stayed in the positions they were in for a moment before they heard Captain Zaraki's voice. "HEY, PANSY FROM SQUAD FOUR, GET BACK TO WORK!" With that they heard his footsteps fade into the distance as he ran off, the sound punctuated by Yachiru saying, "left! Left!"

Hitsugaya turned, very slowly, and looked at the boulder Captain Zaraki had just thrown through his wall to get the attention of the little man.

"He threw a boulder through my wall," Hitsugaya noted in a voice which was far too reasonable for the current situation.

"I'm sure he's very sorry," Matsumoto said for lack of anything else to say, feeling a pang of worry for her Captain. Her Captain had two states of anger; the first was furious, get-ready-to-fight anger. A lot of things could get him to this point. The second was one Matsumoto had had to hide from a few times. It was a state when the Captain went positively insane. It was almost difficult to tell he was in the state. He would function as he normally did. The only thing noticeable would be the layer of frost over everything in his immediate vicinity and a slight chill in the air. That is, until he came upon the source of his fury.

Then all hell would break loose.

There were two rules that, in being obeyed, would prevent Hitsugaya from ever reaching this second point.

The second was that you must never destroy or harm his private quarters.

This rule had already been broken but Matsumoto felt that, had the first and most important rule remained intact, she would be able to preserve Hitsugaya's sanity.

"Alright, Captain, how about we think of how to fix _ohcrap_," Matsumoto changed tact and dove behind the couch.

The first rule was this: that one must never, ever, ever, _ever_, EVER, under any circumstances, cause destruction or disorganized-ness to Captain Hitsugaya's paperwork.

Of course, Matsumoto had violated this a few times. But on those occasions she'd taken a holiday to the farthest place she could think of and let the Captain...Well, 'cool down' would be inaccurate.

The boulder had crashed directly into Captain Hitsugaya's desk.

Where the paperwork was.

Paper fluttered down like so many dead birds. Some was crushed behind the boulder. A few were torn up by the impact.

"He threw a boulder at my wall and it hit my desk," continued Hitsugaya in that all-to-reasonable voice. "It destroyed my desk."

"It's not too-" began Hanatarou, still a little numb from having a boulder thrown through the wall directly next to him.

Unfortunately, this caused Hitsugaya to look at him. Hanatarou became very, very afraid. Captain Hitsugaya's eyes had stopped being blue-green lakes and were now glassy pools of frost.

"C-captain...Hit-t-su-g-g-gaya," stuttered Hanatarou, wishing he had a nearby rock to crawl under. He briefly considered the boulder, but the Captain was between Hanatarou and the possible sanctuary. Since Hanatarou didn't particularly want to die at that moment, so he stayed where he was.

"All my paperwork is disorganized," continued Hitsugaya in the voice which was both completely calm and completely cold. "And torn. And crumpled."

"Y-yes, b-b-but I'm s-sure it's f-f-f-fixable."

"Oh, no, it's quite unfix-able," Hitsugaya told him, taking a step towards him. Hanatarou tried to shrink back but unfortunately there was a wall in his way.

Matsumoto briefly considered helping out Hanatarou. _Very _briefly. Like, half a second, before she decided that _no way in hell _would she go out there when Hitsugaya was in his current mood. Matsumoto was well acquainted with Hitsugaya's various mindsets, having been his lieutenant for some time. Currently Hitsugaya's mind was functioning half-consciously, half-subconsciously. The conscious part of his mind would be filled with rage wanting to KILL, DAMMIT, AND KILL NOW! But the subconscious part of his brain would be more careful. It would carefully pick a person for Hitsugaya to fight, going through all the possible options. Currently there were four options.

1) Captain Zaraki, who had thrown the boulder through the wall. Matsumoto knew that Hitsugaya was smart, so his subconscious would take one look a Zaraki and go pick someone else to maim, even if just because the creepy power-eating eye patch of Zaraki's was just odd.

2) Lieutenant Yachiru. Yachiru was really only an option by default, so really didn't have much chance of being the target of Hitsugaya's ice-cold rage. Besides, she was a little kid. Technically, Hitsugaya wasn't that old either, but his subconscious probably wouldn't be that heartless.

3) Herself, lieutenant Matsumoto. But she was currently hiding behind the couhc, so Hitsugaya's subconscious would focus on the last possibility which was:

4) The droopy-eyed man who was currently huddled up in fear. It was going to be him. There were really no other choices.

Therefore: he was toast.

Matsumoto felt a pang of guilt for abandoning the man to Hitsugaya's rage. Then she remembered the cart full of paperwork and stopped feeling guilty.

"Very unfix-able," continued Hitsugaya reasonably. This time Hanatarou remained silent, wondering if the icicle forming on the end of his nose would stay there long. "So unfixable that now **someone must pay**."

This didn't make much sense to Hanatarou, but considering how very reasonable Hitsugaya was being, the fact that he now had a family of icicles crowding his face and the odd way the direction of one of Hitsugaya's eyeballs would occasionally jerk, he decided to remain silent some more.

"And I think that someone would be you."

Hanatarou didn't dispute this either.

Then he was saved by the voice.

"HEY, PANSY! YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED MY PAPERWORK!" yelled a big, rough voice. Apparently Zaraki had gone in a circle after his lieutenant kept telling him to go left. As he passed the building his hand whipped into the large hole made by the boulder, seized Hanatarou and yanked him away. "DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET OUT OF IT THAT EASILY," heard the Lieutenant and the unhinged Captain of Squad ten, fading as Zaraki's large bounds brought him further and further away.

Matsumoto considered crawling out from behind the couch. Knowing how Hitsugaya worked, she thought he would resume normal life, ruled largely by his subconscious, until he spotted the man he had decided to vent his rage upon, at which time all hell would break loose. So seeing her really shouldn't be a problem.

"Paperwork," she heard Hitsugaya say in a sweet voice. "Don't worry. I will avenge you."

Matsumoto decided to stay put for a bit longer.

#

On second thought, _saved _had been a bit of an exaggeration.

It was more like forcibly removed from a threatening situation.

...

Okay, it was outright kidnapping, but Hanatarou remembered what Hitsugaya had said and deemed it wise to get as far away as possible from the Captain of Division Ten and stay there until he had been forgotten (which would probably mean about five seconds) using any method possible.

Even if that meant being snatched by the arm, thrown over a shoulder (which wasn't really that comfortable) and being jostled while the Kidnapper was ordered about by a little girl who was rumoured to have a fetish with the direction left.

Hanatarou wasn't even sure it was possible to have a fetish for a direction, nor that Yachiru was actually old enough to have a fetish.

A few minutes later and he decided that it was completely plausible, especially after he glanced over and spotted Yachiru gazing in rapture at her left hand.

"Left!" she yelled as they approached a fork in the road.

"But I recognise this road," the Capitan retorted. "It's the only one I do! It's not left, it's-"

"LEFT!" yelled the lieutenant.

Captain Zaraki sighed and seized Hanatarou. Hanatarou yelped. "What's wrong with you?" asked Zaraki, completely unconcerned.

"I think you may have just crushed my left lung."

"Yay, left!" cheered Yachiru.

"What ever," dismissed Zaraki. "I need you to keep doing my paperwork, so I'm going to have to throw you to the barracks."

Normally Hanatarou meekly went along with the orders of anyone of a higher rank than him. Or anyone of a lower rank that him. Or anyone at all, really. He didn't question it. And, if he hadn't spent all day cleaning every room in Division eleven and then going on to start on the paperwork, he wouldn't then said, "YOU ARE GOING TO WHAT?"

"Here we go," Zaraki told him as he approached the fork in the road.

"NO-" began Hanatarou as Zaraki threw him, full force, down the right road a moment before he followed Yachiru's (dubious) directions and took the left.

"Aaaaa- aaaaaaaaaaaaa- AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Hanatarou as he soared down the road like a missile launched from a high-powered Yachiru-directed missile launcher before he ran out of breath. He continued speeding through the air as he gulped some of it down so he could continue. "Aaa-AAAAAA!" Hanatarou looked ahead and, through his watering eyes, could make out another corner. It was looking as if he were going to plough straight into it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" he continued before finding out that he could alter his direction by tilting his body a little. This way he took the correct path that would lead towards the Division Eleven barracks. For a moment he thought it was quite novel to fly through the air. "AAAAAAAAAAAH!" Hanatarou continued to yell as he forgot the novelty of flying and remembered that he was STILL GOING FROM THE FORCE OF BEING THROWN BY AN INSANE CAPTAIN! "Aaaaah!" yelled Hanatarou a little as he navigated another fork in the road. "Ah," he said because he thought it would suit the occasion. "Aaa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!" his screams were renewed by the fact that he was approaching the Division Eleven barracks. That would have normally been a good thing...Actually, no. Approaching the Division Eleven barracks would never be a good thing. Even if Hanatarou had just spent four years alone in a desert and was dying of thirst he would take one look at the Division Eleven barracks and run screaming the other way. But, that day and time, it would have been a thing that, while not good, would have been...Not convenient...Not beneficial...It would have been _needed_. While Hanatarou needed to be in the Division Eleven barracks, it was not good, convenient or beneficial at that time (at any time, really, but at that time in particular) because Hanatarou was still flying at what felt like a million miles an hour.

Heading straight for the barrack wall.


	3. Paperwork and Parties

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day One**

Paperwork and Parties

From behind the couch, Matsumoto was already in a fairly bad mood. She was tired, a bit hungry, and really, really, _really _needed a drink.

She decided that, once Hitsugaya had stopped his current activity of shredding the torn papers into tiny little parts and throwing it up in the air and saying, "it's snowing!" despite the fact that his frosty mood had made it _actually snow _in the room, she would got to the back of Hitsugaya's desk, take off the hidden panel which held the secret space and tuck into her secret stash of high-quality, high-alcohol-content, extremely rare Sake and...Well, 'get high' didn't really apply, but she would get really drunk...

As soon as Hitsugaya stopped what he was doing now, which was making little paper snowmen with a happily deranged smile (which didn't really fit into what Matsumoto knew of this second level of insanity...but as long as he didn't touch her Sake, it was all good), she would get as drunk as fast as possible...

Right after Hitsugaya stopped his little insane games...

Which he was doing because of the boulder...

Which crashed through the wall...

Into his desk...

Messing up and/or destroying his paperwork...

(Matsumoto was _not _liking where these thoughts were leading)

Going through the desk...

Going into the wall.

Crashing into the wall.

Where.

Her.

Sake.

Was.

Matsumoto was going to kill that man.

Then she heard, "_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH -NONONOGODNO_," and, recognising the voice, felt better.

Not by much, but still better.

Matsumoto popped her head over the couch, saw that Hitsugaya wasn't looking and fled the scene, two things on her mind. The first was that she really, really wanted to get drunk. That was easily fixable. The second was that she needed to replace her Sake, and for that she needed money.

In the depths of Matsumoto's mind, she began to create a plan for that as well, one which Hitsugaya would probably not approve of...

#

Kyoraku was sleeping, like usual. Or he was trying to. He kept being disturbed by odd noises, like that cash from earlier on, which sounded vaguely like a large object crashing through a wall and into some other household furniture. Kyoraku knew hoe that would sound, everyone in the Seireitei did, because of Captain Zaraki's unique way of getting someone's attention, especially since the Ryoka Ichigo Kurosaki had fought Zaraki. Fighting Kurosaki had seemed to make Zaraki forget that not everyone was extraordinarily powerful and nor was everyone happy to demolish anything which was in their way. In Zaraki's case, this would mean that, sometimes, anywhere Zaraki went he would happily go through doors, walls and even buildings just because they were there.

So Kyoraku knew what that sound was and would happily sleep through it. He had, in fact, reached the cosy half-asleep-half-awake state which meant he would soon be dropping off when he heard something which sounded vaguely like the dying cries of some kind of tone-deaf marsupial.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH -NONONOGODNO_," before a large crunch.

This woke Kyoraku up.

"Nana-o," he whined, lengthening the syllables. "I need some relaxing music. Would you please sing me a song?"

Nanao picked up the basketful of rose petals, which the Captain had put aside just in case he had to make a dramatic entrance later, and dumped it on her Captain without a single word before walking out of the room to find out what that noise had been.

Kyoraku spat out some rose petals. "I really should book her in for some anger management...for that we need psychologists...Do we even _have _psychologists?"

#

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH -NONONOGODNO_," Hanatarou had yelled before crashing into the wall with a crunch.

At first he thought the crunch had been his bones, but upon further consideration he realised that it had been some bamboo which had been coincidentally planted in the exact spot he landed on. While Hanatarou was thankful that he was still, more or less, in one piece and with no broken bones, he was less thankful that a family of bamboo splinters had decided to make his face their home, seeming to make some sort of agreement with the family of icicles which didn't seem to want to melt.

Hanatarou had tried to stand up, sat back down again when he began to hurt in places he wasn't even sure he had nerves in and then commenced in dragging himself to the room full of paperwork. Once there he began working through all that was there much faster than before. Before, lacking the knowledge he now had, he would carefully skim read every paper before dealing with it. Now he just glanced at the title and put it in one of the various out-boxes (out-carts, really) or on the 'to-do' pile.

This took much less time than he would have thought and, at half an hour before midnight, he was finished.

Well, he hadn't actually completed anything on the 'to-do' list, but he reviewed everything he had done that day and cut himself some slack.

He was looking at it, wondering if he should make a start on it and work until he passed out or just put it off until the next day and hope Captain Zaraki wouldn't kill him when Lieutenant Yachiru popped her head inside the door.

"Yaaaaaaaaay, Droopy!" she cheered before jumping on him piggy-back style. Hanatarou fell over and Yachiru frowned. "Aw, is Droopy not feeling well?"

The exhausted Hanatarou said, "Droopy is just a little tired. Wouldn't you much rather like to ride the pony instead of boring, old, tired, frustrated, thrown around-like-sack-of-potatoes, attacked, drawn-on, picked on...What else has happened to me today?...oh, yeah, can't forget forgotten and kicked Droopy."

Yachiru blinked. "How do you know about my pony?"

"I cleaned your room."

She smiled. "Do you like it? It's pink?"

"...The pony?"

"No, the room."

"...It was easier to clean than the rest of the house, doesn't hurt my sanity to remember it and didn't try to inflict any sort of pain on me, so I loved it."

Yachiru looked at him for a moment before deciding to ignore him and saying, "does Droopy want to come drink Sake with me?"

"Wouldn't you rather ride your pony?"

"The pony drank Sake and then passed out in the corner."

"...Of course it did...Because anything silly like, you know, _sanity _would just be boring. But aren't you a little young for Sake?"

Yachiru struck a hero pose with her hands on her hips and proudly said, "I can out-drink Kenny!"

Hanatarou looked up at her. "...If you say so."

"So, do you want to come."

Hanatarou looked at Yachiru's hopeful face and sighed before dragging himself up. "I would love to." Yachiru did a double-take, seeing his face for the first time.

"Droopy, you have some things on your face."

"Icicles. You should have seen it before I took all the bamboo splinters out."

Lieutenant Yachiru decided to ignore that and proceeded to drag 'Droopy' out of the room, showing that, like everyone else in Division Eleven...In Divisions Four and Eleven...In the whole of the Seireitei...In the whole of _everything_, she was stronger than him.

For some reason, it was just a little more humiliating coming from someone half his size with pink hair.

Still, she could out-drink Captain Zaraki (or so she said, and Hanatarou's frame of mind really wasn't ready to question anything at that moment) so maybe she was more manly that her pink-headed-smallness would suggest.

Hanatarou somehow managed to fall asleep while being dragged out of the room. He woke up in a corner, lying on something warm...and soft...and a little lumpy...and moving...

Hanatarou was just about to fall asleep again before the last one registered in the part of his mind which hadn't yet begun striking for over-working and abuse of sanity. He opened his eyes and turned his head.

A pony wheezed drunkenly at him.

"What do you know?" mumbled Hanatarou. "The pony really _is _drunk."

"Hey, Droopy is awake!" rejoiced a familiar, childish, perky voice. Yachiru jumped over and perched on Hanatarou's shoulder.

"Urgh, what's the time?" he mumbled.

"Twenty minutes till midnight," Yachiru told him as she shoved a cup of Sake in his hands. "Drink up, Droopy! Let's see if you can out-drink me-"

"I can't." Any feeling of pride that may or may not have survived the various tortures of that day decided to shrivel up and die a horrible, horrible death when Hanatarou admitted that he couldn't out-drink a pink-haired girl child who didn't look as if she was legally allowed to drink alcohol.

Yachiru pouted. "Aw, you're no fun."

"Sorry," Hanatarou apologised.

"It's okay! I'll just go out-drink someone else," Yachiru told him before wondering off. Hanatarou, wondering who 'someone else' could possibly be, looked at the rest of the room and spent the next few minutes observing everyone.

Firstly and nearest was Matsumoto. Yachiru went up to her and said, "Big-Boobies, will you have a drinking contest with me? Droopy didn't want to."

Matsumoto smiled at first, "of course I-" Her face went pale. She looked around at Hanatarou, who suddenly became very interested in his fingernails. She said, "just to be safe, I think I'll up the dosage." She took out a little vial and emptied it into the cup of a seemingly oblivious Hitsugaya, who was next to her. For a moment Hanatarou was very, very scared but the Captain seemed drugged. And he wasn't even looking at Hanatarou. It seemed that, to stop him killing Hanatarou and ruining the party, Matsumoto had spiked the Captain's drink with sedatives, as she was doing again. On top of that, when ever the Captain seemed about to look over at Hanatarou Matsumoto would distract him.

"Here you are, Captain, drink up," encouraged Matsumoto cheerfully.

Hitsugaya looked at he, a little drool escaping down the corner of his mouth. "Dink ah? Ah. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Aga ag ag hamamamamama. Bleargh. Oppsh-lolololo." He made a few other random noises as he took the cup and tried drinking out of it, completely missing his mouth. Matsumoto grabbed the cup and put it to his lips, clamping his nose shut. This didn't seem to bother the sedated Hanatarou, who let a bit trickle into his mouth. His head began to incline towards Hanatarou. Matsumoto grabbed it and turned it the other way.

"Look, Captain, it's...The wall...How interesting," she tried. Hitsugaya fell over, but he wasn't facing Hanatarou, so the frightened Divisions four member was okay with it.

Matsumoto looked at the collapsed Hitsugaya. "Hm...That may be a problem later..."

"Does Big Boobies want to drink with me or not?" complained Yachiru.

"Of course I do," smiled Matsumoto before commencing drinking.

Hanatarou looked at the Sake in his cup and thought that he would probably regret drinking it if he did. Then he thought back to the day, all of which he regretted. He decided to drink the damn Sake. He took a sip, choked a little, then swallowed it down, looking rather proud of himself. He looked up and both Yachiru and Matsumoto were looking at him rather pityingly.

"You chocking on that little amount then looking proud for swallowing it? That's kind of pathetic," informed Matsumoto.

"Droopy can't drink. Does that mean that he isn't a man? Because all men drink, don't they?" asked Yachiru innocently. Hanatarou's pride died again as both women (well, the women and child) downed their Sake in one gulp and went back for more.

Hanatarou decided that the Sake made him courageous before going up to talk to someone. Even though he'd only taken a sip. And choked on it, spitting half of it out, before swallowing the approximate amount of alcohol which would possibly be able to make a large rabbit tipsy if the rabbit didn't cope well with alcohol. But it was a less depressing explanation than saying that, after a day of being pushed and kicked around enough that he had bruises where no bruises had the right to be, he really just didn't care any more.

The person he chose to talk to was someone who looked, very vaguely, from the back, like his Captain. Well, she had dark hair, and that was good enough. Hanatarou approached timidly and said, "hello."

The dark-haired lady turned around. It was Lieutenant Nemu of Twelfth Seat, the lieutenant of the creepiest Captain...creepiest Soul Reaper...Creepiest life from not only to reside in the Seireitei but out of everyone who had ever existed in the entire world, and possibly anyone who ever would. Unless Captain Mayuri decided to have a child. In which case, the child would be even creepier, not only for the fact that it would have all of Mayuri's creepiness, but also the fact that someone like the Captain of the Twelfth Division not only _could _reproduce but could actually find someone to reproduce with...That would be creepier. Unless he cloned himself...But he had already done that with Nemu, and she didn't seem to be too creepy...

Nemu looked at him and said, "hello." in reply in a perfectly soft, neutral voice which, although slightly robotic, Hanatarou found comforting.

"So..." He began. She looked at him. "...I didn't know you went to these sort of functions."

"I don't usually," she said mildly, not seeming to have a problem with talking to him even though he was far beyond her rank. "But lieutenant Yachiru wanted me to come. And she told me it was a watermelon party."

"A watermelon party? Do you like watermelon then?"

Nemu blinked. Although she didn't show it, she was surprised someone cared enough to ask. "Yes. They're my favourite fruit."

"Ah...And your Captain doesn't have a problem with that?"

"He and lieutenant Yachiru have an agreement. She stays out of his lab on weekdays and Saturdays and she gets to play with me when ever she wants to."

"But...What about Sundays?"

"On Sundays my Captain locks himself in a little room and tries to catch up on his reading. But he finds it difficult to ignore the sound of breaking glass, so it doesn't really work."

Hanatarou didn't really have much to say to this, so he changed the subject. "You don't like Sake? I noticed you don't seem to have any. If you want some I'd be happy to get it-"

"No, that's quite alright," she replied with no change in expression. "I don't drink it because it does not affect me. I see no point in drinking it. But thankyou anyway."

Hanatarou looked at her in shock, then looked like he wanted to cry.

"I apologise, have I said-" Nemu began.

"No, no, it's just..." Hanatarou sniffed a little. "Do you know you're the only one who has said thankyou in...In...In...In as long as I can remember. And considering how much work I do, that's just sad. And I didn't even do anything for you. I just offered." He took another sip of Sake, hoping it would make him feel better. He immediately began coughing, so it didn't. Nemu patted him on the back, trying to help. After a moment, they both straightened.

"I'm sure no-one just realises how hard you work," replied Nemu mildly. Hanatarou felt better but he wasn't sure if it was because of the Sake or Nemu's words.

"So, what do you do at this sort of thing?" asked Hanatarou, looking around.

"Drink and talk, as far as I know," Nemu told him neutrally.

Hanatarou looked around and saw Nemu was right. "Yeah, I guess you're right...But what about you? You don't drink, so what do you do?"

"Not much," she told him.

"Do you ever get bored?"

"Not really. I like to look at people and see what they're doing."

"Oh," Hanatarou replied, blinking. "Is that...,fun?"

"Fun?" asked Nemu. She processed this. "I don't _think_ so. I find it engaging, though. Try it."

"Oh. Okay," Hanatarou said before doing as she said. He looked around at Yachiru and Matsumoto, who were still drinking together. Hitsugaya gurgled a little. On the opposite side of the room Captain Kyoraku was trying to seduce his lieutenant, who was giving him evil looks and snapping at him.

"My little Nanao," they heard the Captain scold. "You're too beautiful to be so cruel."

A vein throbbed in Nanao's temple. "For the last time do not call me that."

"I think I can understand Captain Kyoraku being here," murmured Hanatarou. "But why is his lieutenant here? She doesn't seem like the type to go to Yachiru's drinking parties."

"She heard a loud noise before and investigated."

"Was this sound a long drawn-out yowling followed by a crunch?"

Nemu nodded.

"It was me."

"When she came here Yachiru invited her in and wouldn't take no for an answer. Captain Kyoraku came to find her and stayed."

"Oh." Hanatarou looked at who was beside Kyoraku. Captain Ukitake sat there, looking exasperated as Kiyome and Sentaro argued, drank Sake, argued some more then drank some more.

"You two are drinking quite a lot, aren't you?" said a bemused Ukitake, who occasionally sipped from the cup of Sake in his hand.

"Yes, Captain Ukitake," replied Sentaro forcefully. "I am a drunkard, I admit it!"

Kiyome downed her Sake in one gulp. "I am far more of a drunkard than you will ever be!"

"Why do you have to copy everything I say?"

"I'm not copying, you're copying!"

"But I say it before you!"

Ukitake sighed. "You two..."

"How did Ukitake get to be here?" asked Hanatarou.

"I believe Kyoraku brought him, and the two third-seaters accompanied him."

"Hey, Ukitake!" Kyoraku yelled happily. "Aren't you happy I brought you?"

"Happy isn't the word-"

"Ah! No negativity. You and My Little Nanao here are creating negative vibes!"

Nanao tipped her Sake on his head.

"I feel much better," she announced before wandering off to get some more Sake.

Ukitake put a hand on Kyoraku's shoulder. "I told you not to hire her just because she was pretty and wore glasses."

"I took her other assets into account as well!"

"What, like, 'body', 'chest', 'legs', that sort of thing?"

"...We should get more Sake," Kyoraku said, completely dodging the question. While Ukitake pointed out that Kyoraku's cup was still full, Hanatarou looked at who else was there. An expression of great confusion crossed his face.

"Why is Ichigo Kurosaki here? I don't think he's even supposed to be in this _world_!" exclaimed Hanatarou, drinking a little more Sake. He was getting better at swallowing it.

"I'm not actually sure," Nemu told him. "I think he followed Rukia and Renji here."

This would make sense, as Ichigo and Renji were, at that moment, arguing.

"Well, maybe if you weren't so BIG HEADED," Renji yelled.

"LOOK WHO'S TALKING!"

"You two, can you please have your 'mine-is-bigger-than-yours' competition a little quieter," requested Rukia, who was sitting beside them. "I can hardly here anything anyone other than you two hotheads says." While Renji and Ichigo gaped at her, Rukia turned away to continue her conversation with-

Hanatarou's jaw dropped. Now he was _really _confused.

"Why is _Captain_ _Kutchiki _here?" he asked, feeling a little scared.

"Rukia made him come. I think she wanted to bond with him over some Sake."

"Do you remember," began Rukia quietly. "When I had just been adopted, and I broke that-"

"Very expensive antique vase?" Byakuya finished, nodding as he took a sip of Sake. He didn't seem to be affected by it, which was a bit of a pity as it would have been interesting had the Captain lost his cool. Then again, a Captain Kutchiki without reservations...Hanatarou felt a chill and sipped his Sake.

"Yeah," smiled Rukia. "I remember I tried to put it back together again."

Byakuya's eyes widened minutely at this. "You did?" His lips twitched. "So did I."

Hanatarou smiled a little at this family bonding, his eyes travelling to see who else was in the room.

"...Do you know," the next person, Ikkaku, said to Aesegawa, who was next to him. "This is the first HIC clean robe I've worn wince...since..."

"I think you got a new one last year," Aesegawa said thoughtfully.

"Yer, since then."

"Well, I send my robes to the dry cleaners twice a week, thankyou very much," said Aesegawa primly. "And spray them with rose-scented perfume."

"Is that HIC why you always smell funny?" groggily asked Ikkaku. He glanced at Aesegawa's suddenly chilly expression and said, "I mean...not bad. Is that why you always smell...not...bad?"

Hanatarou wondered that, if he sent his robes to the dry cleaners, why _the hell _had he wanted him to wash them earlier?

Probably something to do with the fact that everyone seemed bent on making his life worse.

Beside him, Hitsugaya made another funny noise, the green tea that he had been drinking tipped all over the floor.

Hanatarou's gaze kept on travelling. Lieutenants Hisage, Iba and Kira were sitting together, apparently drunk.

"...Whys mine gotta be a funny shape, y'know?" slurred Hisage. "I mean, s'a bit...not fair."

"Yeah, I hear ya," Lieutenant Iba said slowly as he tried to clap a hand onto Hisage's shoulder in a friendly, way but missed and ended up on the ground. He looked back up at the other two lieutenants. "Hey, how'd you two get up there? Didjoo push me, you bashtards."

"It looks like something...Something you would kill people with, you know?" continued Hisage morosely.

"I thought you _do _kill people with it," blearily asked Kira.

"Yeah, but it's not supposed to look like it, you know? My Shanpaktow looks like a...a..." He made some vague slashing movements.

"Shword?" guessed Kira. "'cause...it kinda is."

"No, you know? Like a...Thingy...You cut people with," insisted the drunken lieutenant.

"I'm pretty sure that is a sword," said Iba from the ground. He begun to get up, fell over and decided that he really didn't mind being on the ground.

"No, no...Like a cutty mobob in fields...And souls..."

"You mean like a shcythe?" frowned Kira.

Hisage clicked his finger and pointed at Kira. "Yeah, thas it -shorry..."

Kira rubbed his eye, which Hisage had just poked in his enthusiasm. "No problem...'Cause, you know, you're one of the best guys ever, you know that?"

Hisage was touched. "Aw, thanks. Yer not so bad yourshelf."

"No, no, I mean it. Like, I always looked up to you."

"I _do_ look up to him," noted Iba from the ground.

Kira dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Yeah, but that doesn't count."

"I always reshpected you," Hisage admitted, laying a hand on Kira's shoulder, partly in comradeship and partly to stop himself falling over. "Even when you were just shstarting out...Well, actually, not then...But a little while later I did..."

"Aw, you're the best, Hisage."

"You too, Kira." Hisage looked at Iba. "You too, Eeba...You're the best too, you know that?"

"Yeah, you're one awesome guy, Iba," Kira told him. He got a bit teary. "I love you guys!" Then he fell over. "You're like brothersh to me."

"Yeah, brothers," Hisage said before falling over too.

"Somehow, I never thought I'd lose this much respect for so many people so quickly," Hanatarou told Nemu. She remained silent as they continued their observation of the last few people in the room they hadn't yet looked at.

Yoruichi and Soifon sat together, drinking Sake. "You know what, Soifon," began Yoruichi. "I'm glad you told me that you thought there'd be a drinking thingy here tonight...How'd you know about it, by the way?"

"Yachiru hadn't had one yet so when I asked her if she was having one tonight, I thought you'd be interested," replied Soifon.

"Well, you were right," the darker-skinned woman said, drinking the rest of her Sake. "Looks like it's time for me to top up-"

"Let me, Lady Yoruichi," said Soifon instantly, springing up, disappearing and reappearing. Hanatarou blinked. She had a full cup of Sake in her hands. "Here you are."

"Thanks, Soifon," Yoruichi thanked her, sounding a little tipsy. "You're always so considerate."

Soifon blushed madly and, just for a split second, looked a little like a school girl who had just been complimented. Hanatarou blinked, the surprise of seeing the leader of the Stealth force slip out of her touch-me-and-you-die countenance for a moment before it passed. "I am only doing my duty, Lady Yoruichi."

"Oh, stop with the 'Lady' stuff. Come on, Soifon, just call me 'Yoruichi'," urged Yoruichi as she drank some more Sake.

Soifon blushed again. "Oh, I couldn't -argh!"

"Of course you could," Yoruichi told her pleasantly, as if she hadn't just, in a lightning-quick moment, seized Soifon's head in a head lock with one arm. She still held her Sake in the other. "Come on, say it. Yo-ru-i-chi."

"L-lady Yoruichi, I-"

"Ah! Yo-ru-i-chi."

"I couldn't be so disrespectful-"

"Come on, say it with me. Yo-ru-i-chi. Yoruichi."

"Y- Lady Yoruichi."

"Try again!"

"Y-Y-L-"

"Ah!"

"_Yoruichi_!" the Stealth force Captain said in one rush, blood rushing to her face yet again. Yoruichi let her go with a laugh.

"See, now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

Soifon was silent.

"Soifon?"

Soifon sniffed. "You let me say your name," she said softly in a voice full of touched reverence, as if she hadn't been forced into it.

"You need to loosen up," urged Yoruichi."

"Yes, Lady Yoruichi."

Yoruichi gave up. For then, anyway.

On Hanatarou's side of the room, Hitsugaya was beginning to make some slow movements which told Matsumoto that he would wake soon. "Hm, I knew I should have sedated him heavier." She leant towards him and said, quietly, "Captain, I don't know if you can hear me or even if you can understand anything I say right now, but I apologise for what I'm about to do."

"Gah," replied the still-half-sedated Hitsugaya.

She took it as an 'it's okay'. "Nemu?"

Nemu turned towards her. "Yes, Lieutenant Matsumoto?"

"Did you prepare that mixture I asked for before?"

"Well...Yes, but I must say that I'm not completely comfortable with-"

"Okay, give it to me."

Nemu took out a little vial of bright pink liquid and gave it to Matsumoto.

"What is that stuff?" asked Hanatarou.

"It is a mixture the lieutenant requested. It makes the recipient receive commands easier."

Hanatarou was fairly used to this sort of speaking. "So...It makes you do whatever anyone asks?"

"You could say that, yes. I just wish I had been given time to test for side effects..."

"Why didn't you just tell Matsumoto it wasn't ready? Or not make it?"

"I don't think I'm physically capable of lying," admitted Nemu. "And I had to make it. Lieutenant Yachiru told me to make whatever it was that Matsumoto said, and I must obey her."

"Oh," relied Hanatarou. "Is that why you were invited?"

"Yes. And Lieutenant Yachiru felt I should celebrate."

"Celebrate what?"

"It is my birthday in five days."

"Oh. Well, happy birthday for then. I'll remember it," promised Hanatarou before turning back to watch Matsumoto. He didn't notice how Nemu's eyes widened ever-so-slightly in the first expression she had shown in a long time. Her lips twitched an almost immeasurably small amount.

"No-one had ever said 'happy birthday' to me before," she said, very softly. So softly that Hanatarou didn't hear it.

"Pardon?"

"It was nothing."

"Oh. Okay, well, if you say so," Hanatarou said as he turned back around to observe Lieutenant Matsumoto. He watched Matsumoto put the pink solution in a cup of green tea and stir it through. The tea had a suspicious green tint but, as they found out a moment later, the intended recipient for the dubious solution was Captain Hitsugaya, and he was too out of it to notice.

"Come on, Captain," urged Matsumoto heartily. "Drink up."

The Captain blinked, his gaze unfocused. "Ab da." He replied.

"Okay, we'll have to do it the hard way then." Matsumoto opened Hitsugaya's mouth and poured in the solution. She clamped shut his mouth and nose and waited.

And waited some more.

Apparently, when you've been sedated, breathing really isn't much of an issue.

Eventually the Captain swallowed and Matsumoto released him. She turned to Nemu. "How long will it take to come into affect?"

"A few minutes."

"Can I play with him first?" asked Yachiru hopefully.

"I'm sorry, I've already got someone booked," apologised Matsumoto. "But you can play with him tomorrow if you want. And pay."

"Yes!" cheered Yachiru. "In celebration, everyone should drink their Sake! Come on everybody, let's drink up!"

Everyone in the room drained their glasses. Ichigo and Renji broke out into a new argument. Captain Ukitake's two third-seaters began arguing again as well, something about copying each other, while Ukitake downed the rest of his, which was about a sip. Byakuya and Rukia had drank a glass of Sake throughout the night and didn't actually have any more, so they just continued talking. Soifon had waited until seeing that Yoruichi was drinking her Sake before drinking the rest of hers, earning an approving look from her idol. Kyoraku had drunk his and tried to urge Nanao to drink hers. She dumped it n his head again instead. The three lieutenants on the ground twitched a little before resuming their heart-felt confessions of brotherly love for each other. Yachiru drank the rest of hers, and then the rest of Matsumoto's too. Ikkaku and Aesegawa instantly downed theirs, not even needing the instruction to be completed.

Hanatarou looked at the remaining Sake in his cup (almost all of it. He'd only drunken maybe a mouthful) and decided to do the same, seeing as everyone else was.

"Here goes," Hanatarou said nervously to Nemu before putting his cup to his lips and drinking the whole thing. He put the cup down.

"...Excuse me...I'm sorry, I don't think I've asked your name...Are you alright?" as she asked softly. Hanatarou's expression didn't change. He seemed kind of frozen. Nemu hesitatingly waved her hand in front of his face. Hanatarou fell backwards in a dead faint. "Oh, dear," Nemu said.

"Some people just can't old their alcohol," Matsumoto said pityingly.

"He didn't even stay up to see the fireworks!" exclaimed Yachiru.

It was midnight.

#

Captain Zaraki sighed as he tuned another corner. Yachiru had abandoned him a few hours ago.

"I really need a map," he mumbled before taking another right and hoping it would lead him where he wanted to go. Up ahead, fireworks began to illuminate the sky. "Oh, so I am going in the right direction," smiled Zaraki before breaking out into a run. He would recognise Yachiru's work anywhere.


	4. Day Two: CPR for Dummies

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or any of their associated fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day Two**

Yachiru looked at him with big eyes, happiness exploding across her face as she flew abut the room with little bright-pink wings. "Daddy!" she crooned.

Yoruichi was flying about as well, looking ridiculously joyful. "Father," she cried. Her wings were the same colour as her hair as well.

Beside where Hanatarou sat on his throne, Zaraki leant against it, smiling fondly, wearing a white apron with pink lace around the edges. "We did well raising them. Maybe we should have another?"

Suddenly the wall collapsed. Well, actually, it exploded inwards. Soifon stood there, surrounded by energy, riding a bear with a flamethrower who promptly went through the room, out the other wall. "I have come to ask for Yoruichi's hand in marriage."

"Never!" gasped Zaraki. "Our daughter will never marry you.

Yoruichi was still flying about the ceiling with Yachiru.

"In that case," snarled Soifon as she pulled out a machine gun. "I'LL KILL YOU ALL, YORUICHI TOO SO _NOBODY _CAN HAVE HER! YEAH, HOW DO YOU LIKE _THEM_ APPLES?"

"No!" Zaraki cried before being shot down.

"Yay, apples-" began Yachiru before being shot down too.

Before Soifon could shoot down Yoruichi too, the cat-woman appeared before her. "No, Soifon, this isn't the way."

Soifon turned to the other girl with tears in her eyes. "But...What else can I do?"

"You could ask my father for my hand in marriage! He may have changed his mind."

Soifon turned towards Hanatarou with hopeful eyes. "How about it?"

Hanatarou thought this over. "Well...Considering that you just shot half of my family..."

"I know what you could do to convince him," Yoruichi said as she clicked her fingers. "A lap dance would probably do it!"

"Okay," Soifon said brightly before advancing towards Hanatarou. "But I only do lap dances if I'm wearing my special lap-dance suit with a thousand poison-tipped blades pointing outwards."

"...WHAT?" Hanatarou screamed as she disappeared and reappeared in the aforementioned suit. "N-"

"-O!" screamed Hanatarou as he woke up. He looked around and breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't in a hall with a pink-haired Lieutenant and a cat-woman flying around the ceiling, Captain Zaraki (he shuddered) was most definitely not his wife and Soifon didn't seem to be about to explode through his wall to ask for Yoruichi's hand in marriage. It had all been a horrible nightmare.

He was currently in his bedroom, about to start the day of meaningless small chores in Division Four.

Suddenly a sombrero-wearing Zaraki burst through the door of his home, a flying Yachiru and Yoruichi coming through the door behind him, and said, "well, Hanatarou? Do you think we should have another?"

"Ah!" screamed Hanatarou, trying to drag up the sheets to offer some meagre protection, but not being able to because he was, at that moment, lying in a giant sandwich. "N-no!"

"WELL I DO!" screamed the sombrero-wearing Zaraki as he picked up the Hanatarou sandwich and got ready to take a bite.

"AAARGH, DON'T EAT ME!" screamed Hanatarou as he woke up...again. He looked around. Saw Captain Zaraki. Screamed. "ARGH! NO, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE _ANY_!"

Captain Zaraki, who had come across a lot of strange things, blinked in confusion. "...Huh?"

Hanatarou sat staring in mindless terror for a moment before seeming to realise where he was. He looked around at the room, which he now remembered was in Division Eleven, and that was the second day in the Division Exchange Program. Even so...

He gave Captain Zaraki a thoughtful look. Actually, it was more scared than thoughtful, but the thought was there. "You...You don't happen to have Lieutenant Yachiru with you?"

"...No...She had to give Nemu back..." said a now thoroughly confused Zaraki. Yes, he had heard some strange things when he awoke his men in the morning but this...this had to take the cake.

"How about Yoruichi?"

Zaraki blinked. "No-o..."

"And neither of them have wings?"

"...Not...As...Far as I know..."

"Okay...How about Soifon. Does she have a machine gun from the other world?"

"...Um...I don't think...so..."

Hanatarou looked much more happy. "Do you have a sombrero?"

"A what?"

"A Mexican hat."

"...No."

Hanatarou considered asking him about the apron but thought that it would probably cost more his life to ask. He was almost smiling when he said, "in that case, good morning, Captain Zaraki. Can I help you with anything?"

Zaraki stood and stared at Hanatarou for a moment before mentally shaking himself. "Erm...Yes. You have work to do."

"Of course, Captain-"

"No, I mean you have _more _work to do." Zaraki got back into his extremely volatile flow.

Hanatarou wasn't smiling any more. "I do?"

"Yes. You have to pay off this," the Captain said as he shoved a piece of paper in Hanatarou's face. Hanatarou had to back away a little before he could make out the figures...

Hanatarou would have begun choking if he had been eating or drinking anything. As it was his face just resumed an odd colour and he didn't move for a while.

"Hello?" Captain Zaraki said after a few moments.

Nothing.

"Pansy from Squad Four."

Nothing.

"HEY, HEY PANSY!"

Still nothing. Hanatarou's face had now resumed the same colour of betroot and Zaraki was facing some serious concerns that he would burst a vein.

"Yachiru wants you to be her new pony."

This made Hanatarou move. "W-what?" he spluttered.

"Nothing," Zaraki told him before turning to walk out.

"B-but Captain, can I-I-"

"STOP STUTTERING AND ASK THE DAMN QUESTION!"

"Why do I have to work this off!" asked Hanatarou, all the words following each other in a great rush.

Zaraki turned, very slowly, and when he looked at Hanatarou he was grinning that scary grin which was full of pure, Division Eleven malice. "_Because last night you drank all my best Sake_."

Hanatarou could have pointed out that he drank maybe a cup, and that even his own Lieutenant had drunk more than he had.

Instead he took one look at the Captain's face and said, "Yes, sir."

#

Matsumoto took a sip from the bottle of Sake. She sighed happily afterwards, the satisfied sigh of a hard-worker enjoying their due.

Well...It wasn't like she was actually a hard worker...

Or that she had actually done any work to obtain her due...

Or than it was even her due. It was one of the bottle of Sake from the party of the night before. She had stuffed it between her..._assets _and smuggled it out.

But she wasn't yet in the clear. She had slipped away for a moment to enjoy the fruits of her success and now Matsumoto had to go back inside to make sure her near-homicidal Captain wasn't awake yet. She re-stoppered the bottle, slipped it between her..._assets _and went inside.

Soifon and Yoruichi were in what could only be called a compromising position. Even so, it was slightly touching...Actually, it was literally touching, considering that Yoruichi was curled up in a manner which suggested she would be purring if she had been in her feline form, Soifon's arms around her, a happy little smile on the Stealth force Captain's face.

What made the situation even more literally touching was that both women were using an unconscious Hitsugaya as a human pillow.

Hitsugaya's eyes flicked open, catching Matsumoto. "Lieutenant Matsumoto. Good to see you are awake."

His tone was clipped and formal. Matsumoto cursed inwardly.

"Morning, Captain," she said brightly in a tone which showed her inner happiness. "How are you this fine day?"

"Currently I am being used as a human pillow by two women. I would like to know why. And you can just stop trying to edge out of the room as if I'm not going to notice. I can see every step you take."

She laughed. "What steps?"

"The one you just took now _stay right there_."

Matsumoto stopped edging out of the room.

"Good Lieutenant. Now why am I here?" Hitsugaya's eyes were still had that aspect of icy-cool madness.

Matsumoto decided to step carefully. "Well...I came here first, and then you came looking for me. Yachiru was having a drinking party and..." She began to lie through her teeth. "...You decided you wanted to try some Sake. I guess you just couldn't handle it."

Hitsugaya eyed her in a glassy way which made her very, very scared for a moment before he blinked. "Okay." _Whoa...he would have never had bought that when he wasn't insane._ "Now get these two off me."

Matsumoto looked a the two women. She looked at Hitsugaya. "Uh...Captain? You realise who those two are, right? If I accidentally wake one of them and they see how they are...They'll kill me. Well...Probably not Yoruichi...She'd probably just laugh. But Soifon? Yeah, shed probably blame me in an effort not to acknowledge her school-girl crush and kill me. Without hesitation."

"It's an order, Lieutenant. _Get them off_."

Matsumoto looked at the two women gloomily. _How the hell did I get into this situation? And, more importantly, how am I going to get out of it?_

_#_

"...Do you think we did the right thing in moving him?" Nemu asked Yachiru as the latter escorted her back to the Division Twelve barracks. "The man who I was speaking to last night, I mean."

"Left!" Yachiru answered promptly as they passed the same corner a fourth time.

"If we had left him like he was, I think he probably would be dead by now."

"Left!"

"Especially when Ikkaku decided he wanted to see if the man would be able to breathe underwater. It was probably best than we interceded."

"Left!"

"And then when Ikkaku wanted to use than man's head as a football? I think that probably would have been dangerous."

"Left!"

"But some people dislike others coming into their private homes without an invitation. And it is true that we didn't ask him if he wanted us to move him. Really, he has every right to be angry with us," Nemu concluded sadly.

"Left!"

Make that the _fifth _time they had passed that corner.

#

"NO, NOT THE DANCING BEANS!" Isane screamed as she woke up. She looked around her room for a moment before sighing in relief. It had only been a nightmare. Even for her, it had been a particularly odd one, with a stampede of bikini-clad, buffalo-sized fish fingers rushing towards her and threatening to cut off her plaits with an army of smaller scimitar-wielding dancing beans.

It had terrified her, and Isane was relieved to be awake. Sunshine streamed through her window as she prepared for the day, trying to forget the dream. She was neatening her plaits, reassured that they were still there, when she remembered all that had happened the day before. She rushed out of the room, walking quickly towards where the Division Eleven man was being kept.

Ten minutes later a knock came at Unohana's door.

"Enter," called the Captain. Lieutenant Isane burst in.

"Captain," she gasped, apparently having ran all the way.

Unohana sighed, realising the only reason her Lieutenant could be so flustered. "What's he done now?"

"He's gone!"

#

"Hey."

"...Mm..."

"_Hey_."

"...Mmnn, no, don't wanna get up..."

"HEY, CARROT-TOP, WAKE UP!"

"ARGH!" yelled Ichigo as he awoke to find Renji standing above him, one leg on either side of his previously sleeping figure. "WH-WHAT? What are you DOING here? I don't need you to help me kill anything or rescue anyone so GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND LET ME SLEEP!"

"Excuse me, _your _house?" asked a female voice from the door. Ichigo and Renji's heads followed the sound and spotted Rukia and Byakuya standing in the doorway, evidentially having been just passing when they heard the commotion. "Did you forget all of last night?"

"...Oh, yeah, this is your place," remembered Ichigo. After the party Rukia had offered to let him stay in one of the rooms in the Kutchiki estate.

Rukia was looking at Renji, a slightly awkward expression on her face. "Um...Renji? Do you wake people up like that a lot? Because, if you do, you should stop."

"Why?"

"Because you look like you're about to rape Ichigo."

Ichigo looked scared. "Get off me," he said to Renji.

"Are you going to get up?"

"AFTER YOU STOP LOOKNG LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO RAPE ME!"

"I don't look-"

"You do," Ichigo informed him.

"You do," Rukia chimed in.

"I must say, it is looking that way," Byakuya admitted.

"Fine, I'll move," he sighed. As he shifted his foot somehow got caught in the sheet and he fell, his elbow driving into Ichigo's stomach as he fell on top of him.

"I take back what I said before," Rukia said flatly as she saw the frustrated-looking Renji on top of a wheezing Ichigo. "_Now _it looks like you're raping him."

"GET OFF ME!" yelled Ichigo as he got back his breath.

"WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME!"

"THEN I WILL!"

As the two began to fight Rukia and Byakuya continued down the hall. "And I particularly liked that room as well," Byakuya said with a tough of sadness as the first crash reached their ears, quickly followed by several more.

"It's okay," reassured Rukia. "We can always make them rebuild it..."

_Crash_. "HEY, THAT LOOKED EXPENSIVE!"

_Crash_. "THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BROKEN IT!"

_Bang_. "ME-_YOU _BROKE IT!"

"...After they finish breaking it, of course."

#

Matsumoto would never reveal how she managed to remove the two women from Hitsugaya. If pressed, she would only say that it involved a large crow bar and a whole lot of catnip.

After reaching the Division Ten barracks the Captain and Lieutenant had parted ways, Hitsugaya saying that he was going to his office, leaving Matsumoto to think. She wondered if her little...plot to make enough money to replace the Sake that had been destroyed was really the right thing to do...

...Well, 'the right thing to do' wasn't the correct choice of words. What she was doing was morally wrong by any standards. What Matsumoto was really wondering was how much trouble she would get into if the Captain found out. Normally, he would probably just fire her...Or put her in jail...or both. But the way he was now?

She didn't know if he would kill her...or worse.

Then something went click in Matsumoto's brain.

Hitsugaya's office was demolished. So where was her Captain going?

Matsumoto turned around and ran towards where the office had once been, considering running in the opposite direction, but he was her Captain after all.

#

Eventually Ichigo and Renji destroyed enough of Byakuya's house to bore them and came out, wondering where Rukia had gone. They eventually found them in the kitchen. Rukia had her sketch pad out and seemed to be drawing Byakuya. She was concentrating very hard, her tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth.

"Uh...Rukia," began Ichigo. "Are you trying to draw Byakuya?"

"Well, obviously," snapped Renji. "What else could she be doing?"

Rukia ignored them, just kept drawing. Byakuya did the same, except he wasn't drawing. He was just sitting there looking cool.

Ichigo and Renji moved around Rukia so they were peering over each of her shoulder's.

Silence reigned for a few moments.

"...Are you sure it's supposed to be Byakuya?" asked Ichigo in confusion.

"I've told you not to use my first name," Byakuya told him, barely moving his lips.

"Don't move," ordered Rukia, moving her tongue to the other side of her mouth. "A work of art is in progress."

"You call this art?" snickered Renji.

"Shut up, Renji, you're distracting me."

"It's not that bad," consoled Ichigo as he turned his head so he was looking at the picture in landscape. "From here it kind of looks like Kon. The teddy with the Soul Candy," he explained for Renji's benefit.

"It's not SUPPOSED to look like Kon."

"Or maybe you, Rukia, with a moustache."

"It's not supposed to be me with a moustache either."

"...Then I take that back. It sucks. Really badly. If this was entered in a competition for how badly it sucked, it would win the number one prize."

"You are _breaking _my _concentration_," snarled Rukia, a vein throbbing in her temple. "Don't make me _break your head_."

There was a brief silence. After a while Renji tried looking at the picture in landscape style as well. "It looks nothing like Kon."

Rukia stabbed him with the pencil.

"I think you're supposed to try to _guess_ what it is," Ichigo said wisely, not learning from Renji's mistake.

Rukia stabbed him too.

#

Zaraki had to admit, this was cruel, even for him. In others that would spark off some sort of guilt, but in the Captain of Division Eleven it was more of an observation that anything else.

_Pansy looked like he's going to be sick_, he noted. It did indeed look like Hanatarou was going to be ill. His face had an odd green tinge. Probably because of the work that Zaraki had decided Hanatarou would do was cleaning out the stables.

Not many people knew about the stables, or that they were the reason Yachiru kept her pony in her room. Only Yachiru, Zaraki and, now, Hanatarou knew about them.

The stables were the main reason for the ten new species of insects which had evolved in the Seireitei. They had been where Yachiru's pony had lived before the stables reached the level of degradation they had now reached. Not even Zaraki was cruel enough to make a poor pony live in that mess.

The stables had reached their current level of foulness after two centuries of degradation. It had begun when Zaraki first took control, when Yachiru got her pony. She had groomed the pony, but not tidied the section it lived in, expecting 'Kenny' to make someone else do it. Eventually the original habitat of the pony became unliveable-in and so Yachiru simply moved the pony into the next one. So it went on until every single part of the stable was a mess of hay, pony excrement and a bunch of random objects Yachiru would ditch there when she didn't want to see something ever again. It had become a graveyard of forsaken toys in one regard, but a bed of new life in another. Hanatarou had already met half the new species of insects in the Seireitei when he first stepped in.

And Zaraki had asked him to clean it.

Hanatarou looked around the stables in horror. Every surface buzzed with life. There were mountains of objects which threatened to create an avalanche of forsaken toys.

And then there was the smell.

_It was horrible_.

"Well, I'll just leave you to it," Captain Zaraki told Hanatarou as he edged out of the room.

Hanatarou turned to him with large, horrified eyes. "You're leaving?"

"What, did you expect me to help?" laughed Zaraki contemptuously.

"No. I was expecting you to kill anything which jumped out at me. Like insects bigger than I am."

"You're tough, you can handle it," lied Zaraki as he clapped Hanatarou on the shoulder, accidentally sending the other man flat onto the floor, an odd crunching sound resulting from the fall.

"...I think I just squashed a new kind of insect."

Zaraki began to walk out, not wanting to stay in the stables for longer than he had to. "After you've finished here, do the rest of the paperwork." With those oh-so-charming words he left Hanatarou to the mercy of the stables.

For a moment Hanatarou wondered about the man who had replaced him in the Fourth Division, and wondered if he was having as much of a hard time as Hanatarou was. He decided probably not.

Hanatarou looked around and sighed. "I'm going to need a shovel."

#

In the fourth Division, Captain Unohana and Lieutenant Isane had finally managed to track down the missing Makizou only to find that he was already being put to good use.

"Mind telling me why I have to do this again?" asked Makizou, holding a toilet plunger as he began working on the bathrooms of the floor where all the patients with stomach or bowel problems were kept.

"Because," Captain Unohana said as she walked in. "This is where you are most needed." Makizou grumbled as he walked back into the bathroom. She looked around at a smug looking man. "You are the one who took Makizou here?"

"Yes, Captain," affirmed the man. "You see, I thought it was best if he got to work early to get the full experience of being a Division Four member-"

"FOUR IN THE FEAKING MORNING IS NOT EARLY! IT IS INSANE!" screamed Makizou from inside one of the booths. There came a funny gurgling noise. "URGH, CRAP IS _NOT _SUPPSED TO BE THAT COLOUR!"

"Like I said, this is the best way for him to get the Division Four experience," repeated the Division Four member, a glint in his eye which suggested he was trying not cackle.

Unohana was faced with a conundrum. She knew, as well as anyone else, that the disgusting chores had to be done. No-one may like them but they all had to do them at some point. To truly give the Division Four experience Makizou would have to start off in the same way everyone did -by doing those unpleasant jobs. But she was genuinely hopeful that this program would help the two Division become closer by learning new skills from each other, so she wanted to give Makizou some medical skills...

"Captain," Isane began, taking Unohana aside. "Perhaps this isn't such a bad idea. If Makizou begins at the bottom then works his way to a more medical part of Division Four, then wouldn't that be the best thing?"

"That is a very good idea," nodded Unohana. "But only in theory. I'm afraid that not everyone will be as supporting in this Program as you and I."

"You mean, they'd just stick him with all the bad jobs and laugh about it?"

"...I wouldn't have put it that way, but that's exactly what I mean."

"Easy enough. I'll supervise him. That way I can make sure he gets all the appropriate jobs in a fair way."

Captain Unohana smiled in relief. "Lieutenant, I am lucky to have you. Are you sure you can take time off for this?"

"Oh, yes, I can spare some time."

"Thankyou, Isane," she smiled before walking off, presumably to do something Captain-y.

Isane smiled at the leaving Unohana.

"Lieutenant Isane," glumly asked the man who had woken up Makizou. "Does this mean you're taking the Division Eleven guy off crap duty?"

Isane turned to him with a demonic grin. "_Hell, no_. Do you have any idea how much work those _bastards _from Division Eleven has caused Captain Unohana alone? Our workload is twice as much as what it should be because of them! I say we let him suffer...In fact, he might as well do the rest of the bathrooms in the building. But you probably have some work to do as well."

This gave the man pause. "Uh -that is...Yes. I do."

"Well, go on and do it then. Don't worry, I'll make sure our little friend from Squad Eleven doesn't slack off."

The man walked off with a small, satisfied grin.

"I think these are done," began Makizou disgustedly. "Can I go back to bed now?"

"No, you can do the next ones."

"What-"

"_Now_."

#

As always, it was a miracle Yachiru actually arrived at any place she ever decided to go.

Mayuri was conducting an experiment. He held a pipette in one hand and a glass dish in the other. He held the pipette over the dish and prepared to put a drop of the solution onto it. "Here we go...The work of months is about to finally pay off...And with this solution, I will be able to control other Soul Reapers minds..."

"MAYONAISE!" cried Yachiru as she burst into the room, making Mayuri start and drop both pipette and dish so that the latter broke on the floor. "YAY, IT'S MAYONAISE! I brought back Nemu. She wasn't very much fun."

"I'm sorry," apologised Nemu, watching her Captain with a touch of anxiety.

"...Months of work," he whimpered. "Gone."

"Hey, what are these for?" asked Yachiru, looking at a few interesting-looking vials. "Can I play with them?"

"Captain," warned Nemu, but Mayuri seemed to be in shock.

"Bye bye ,Mayonnaise," she cheerfully said before practically skipping out of the room with a vial in each hand.

"Er...Captain?" asked Nemu before Mayuri melted in front of her eyes from the stress. "Oh, dear," she murmured as the green slime which was her Captain went off to regenerate somewhere.

#

Matsumoto looked around in confusion at what had been Captain Hitsugaya's office. It was in the same degraded state as it had been the night before. There were a lot of melted icicles, and even more unmelted ones.

But no Hitsugaya.

She looked around, frowning.

_Where else could Captain Hitsugaya go?_

She mulled this thought over, remembered, not that she had actually forgotten, even though she was trying to, that her Captain was, at this moment, insane, and realised something which made her face take on a horrified expression.

She thought she knew where to find him.

#

Hanatarou looked at the broken shovel in his hands. It had apparently been eaten through by some super-termites. Hanatarou sighed again. "I'm going to need a bigger shovel."

#

"Urgh, how much crap can one Division crap out?" mumbled Makizou as he tried not to be sick.

"Did you say something?" asked the Lieutenant sharply.

"No, Lieutenant," said the Division Eleven man morosely.

#

"I'm hungry," announced Ichigo, still store on the spot where Rukia stabbed him.

"Oh, get over it," snapped Renji.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I SAID GET OVER IT!"

"Can you both just be quiet," wearily requested Rukia from the couch, where she was trying to talk to her brother. "You've been fighting all morning. Just give it a rest!"

"I WILL WHEN HE DOES!" both said simultaneously before glaring at each other.

"If you're hungry go make something," ordered Rukia. "The kitchen is right through that door."

Still looking sour, Ichigo stood and went through the door Rukia had gestured to. About ten minutes later he screamed, "HOLY **** WHERE'S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER?" and came running back out holding a burning piece of meat.

"HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" yelled Rukia as everyone in the room leapt to their feet. "MEAT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BURN!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"STOP WAVING IT AROUND YOU'RE GOING TO SET EVERYTHING-"

_Whoosh_.

"-on fire."

Renji dove behind the couch. Rukia froze. The fire went out as if it had felt the vibes of a murderous rage and went out to avoid it. Ichigo grinned. "Oh, it's okay every, the fire's...out..." he sensed the change in atmosphere. He looked up and his eyes widened. "Uh...Byakuya? Your scarf is on fire."

The fire on Byakuya's scarf went out too, as if from extreme fear. "I know."

"Hey, that went out too," Ichigo noted happily, not seeing that Rukia had also dove behind the couch. He looked into Byakuya's eyes and took an almost involuntary step back. "Uh...Byakuya...Are you okay?"

Byakuya took a step towards him.

"I mean, it was just a scarf, right?"

He took another, his furious eyes burning into Ichigo.

"...Right?"

Byakuya said one word. "_Wrong_."

"Crap."

#

Matsumoto arrived at her own quarters. She took a deep breath and opened the door, finding inside a scene of great horror which would haunt her for the rest of her days.

"Hello, Lieutenant," said Hitsugaya in a deceptively pleasant voice. "You know, it's normally polite to knock before entering someone's office. But, then again, you've never really been one for being polite, have you?" He smiled and it scared the hell out of Matsumoto. "Haha!"

"Haha," replied Matsumoto weakly.

"Hahaha."

"...Ha."

"Hahaha. Haha. Haa- ha. Haaa haaa haaa. Haa haaa haaaaaaaaa! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Hitsugaya. A moment later he cleared his throat and went on with his paperwork. "Was there something you wanted?"

"No," smiled Matsumoto oddly, her voice strangely high-pitched. "I was just checking up on you. But I can see you're fine."

"I am, thank you," he smiled. "Hehe."

She jumped. "Well, I can see you're _very _busy so I'll just leave you alone."

"Thankyou, Lieutenant," said Hitsugaya as she shut the door. Before she shut it she thought he heard a "ha".

She shuddered, grateful she wasn't in there. True, they were actually her quarters, but there was NO WAY IN HELL she was going in there now. Hitsugaya had somehow conjured an office desk and chair and was calmly doing paperwork. Then another thought struck her.

She usually slept and drank in Hitsugaya's office.

If she couldn't, like, say, if it had been brutally destroyed by a boulder thrown by a probably unstable Captain for instance, her last resort was to sleep and drink in her own quarters.

But where would she go now?

Any trace of pity she had felt for the man who had began all of this evaporated.

#

"Lieutenant?" Makizou asked. "I'm done. I'm going to go find someone to fight now-"

"You want to fight?" asked the Lieutenant in icy tones.

Makizou reconsidered. "...Not so much _now_."

"In that case, I think we need another volunteer CPR dummy."

"...Don't volunteers usually have to...you know...actually _volunteer_."

"You _are _volunteering. Come on."

Makizou wasn't going to argue with that.

She _was _a Lieutenant after all.

#

Hanatarou had managed to clean up a total of one room. Still, at least that room wasn't producing new species of insects any more. Hanatarou was just about to move onto the next room when a knock came at the door of the stables. "Who on Earth...Surely Captain Zaraki couldn't have thought of something else for me to do?"

On second thought, Hanatarou wouldn't put it past him.

Hanatarou walked timidly to the entrance of the stables in trepidation, wondering what new horror the Captain could have thought up now and, opening it slowly, said, "wh-who is it?"

"It is the Greens!" came the reply.

Hanatarou felt a rush of relief. It wasn't the Captain. He opened the door and, lightning quick, slipped through, shutting it behind him so the smell wouldn't follow him. "Hello, how can I help you?" There was a crowd of people dressed in green and holding green banners, all wearing green masks.

"By stopping this murder of valuable members of our environmental society!" announced someone who was obviously a woman at the front of the crowd.

"...Huh?"

"You are a murderer!" she announced. The cry caught on.

"Murderer!"

"Killer!"

"You killed innocent beings!"

"You don't deserve to live!"

_You have _got _to be kidding me,_ thought Hanatarou with a sinking feeling which was getting to be more and more familiar. "You...Don't mean the bugs, do you?"

"YES!" everyone in the crowd shouted angrily.

Something occurred to Hanatarou. "Hang on...How do you even know about this place?"

"The pony told us!"

"...The pony told you?"

"Yes!"

"You do realise that pony's can't talk? In fact, I'm not even sure that pony is awake! The last time I saw it, it was passed out in a corner of the room! Hell, I'm not even sure if the pony is still alive!"

This caused a large measure of confusion. "Well, who told us then?" asked the bewildered leader of the Greens.

"I don't know. Try thinking backwards."

"...It was a pony!"

"The pony!"

"All hail the pony!"

"I like the pony!"

"...Right," said Hanatarou. "How about you describe the pony?"

"It had four legs!"

"And four arms!"

"And two heads!"

"...That's not what ponies look like," pointed out Hanatarou.

"SHUN THE BLASPHEMIER!"

"SHUUUUUUUUUUUN!"

"Does that mean you'll lave me alone?"

A thoughtful pause.

"STOP SHUNNING THE BLASPEMER!"

"NOOOOOOOOOT SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUNED!"

"...Yeah." Hanatarou gave his head a little shake to clear it. "What else did the pony look like?"

"The pony was extremely beautiful!"

"And bald!"

This sounded familiar.

"Did the...pony have eye make-up on? Ad kept saying how beautiful it was?"

"_He knows the pony!"_

"What shall we do?" Whispered the Greens to one another.

"Uh...You know I'm still here, right?" said the bemused medic.

"...No, you aren't."

"I'm...right here. See? Here I am."

"...LIES!"

"Why do you say Ikkaku and Aesegawa are ponies anyway?" Hanatarou remedied this. "Or, a pony, since you seem to thin they're one person...Uh, pony."

"Because the pony told us."

"So...You think it's a pony because it told you it was a pony."

Nods and general assent followed.

"Yes, I suppose that's correct."

"Yup."

"Uh-huh."

"Oh, well," thought Hanatarou. "In that case, I'm a pony too."

They looked rather confused at this and began whispering amongst each other again.

"_It's a conflict of interest."_

_"What shall we do?"_

_"We must worship the pony for it shall bring us salvation!"_

"_But the pony destroys the environment_."

"Again, I can still hear you."

"...No you can't."

Hanatarou gave up. "Of course I can't. I must be mistaken. Listen, I've got to get back to work-"

"NO TRUE PONY WORKS!"

"HE IS NOT A PONY AFTER ALL!"

Hanatarou sighed. He had the feeling that this would be a long day.

#

Ichigo found himself giving advice he would never himself follow.

"Now, Byakuya, think before you do anything rash OH, ****!" Ichigo ducked as Byakuya swung at him with a chair.

"_You. Burned. My. Scarf_."

"I'll get you a new one!" Ichigo ducked the table Byakuya threw at him. "You're damaging you're own house more than I did!"

This made Byakuya pause. Ichigo felt a moment of hope before Byakuya brutally murdered it. "I was thinking of renovating anyway. I can paint the walls a whole new colour -_blood red_."

"Byakuya, _please _can we just talk-"

"BANKAI!"

#

"Uh...Are you sure this is the right way to do CPR?" asked an unsure and slightly scared Makizou as Isane chained him up.

"You, someone from Division Eleven, is asking the Lieutenant of Division Four if she knows how to do CPR?"

"No, not at all...But the chains?"

"I think everyone is a little scared you'll attack them if they try to perform CPR on you," Isane told him cheerfully.

"There are a lot of people," pointed out Makizou. People began to arrive after he did. They were all looking at him in a way that suggested Makizou would be hurting a lot very soon.

"A lot of people feel the need to practise CPR."

"They look kind of violent."

"This coming from someone from Division Eleven?"

"I don't have a problem with violence if I can be violent back," said a slightly anxious Makizou.

"You mean defend yourself?"

"...No, I mean be violent back." Makizou was really getting nervous. "Uh...Lieutenant Isane?"

"Yes?"

"Some of them are rolling up their sleeves...and I think one has a baseball bat."

"They're just getting prepared."

"But what about the baseball bat?"

"There are different kinds of CPR."

"Involving baseball bats?"

"Like I said, there are different kinds of CPR," Isane lied.

Makizou wasn't getting a very good feeling, especially considering that Isane hadn't answered his question.

#

"Look, I am not a pony, I admit it, but I'm not a murderer either!" Hanatarou tried to argue.

"Do you deny destroying valuable habitat and murdering thousands of innocent creatures?"

Hanatarou had had enough. "Oh, for the love of -THEY ARE NOT INNOCENT! THEY ARE DISGUSTING BUGS BORN FROM MOUNDS OF FESTERING RUBBISH! YOU SHOULDBE THANKING ME FOR GETTING RID OF THEM!"

"KILL HIM!" They began to rush him but Hanatarou stopped them in one easy move.

He didn't attack them.

He didn't even threaten them.

No, he just opened the doors.

Everyone recoiled back like so many vampires from the sun.

"THAT'S the habitat you're trying to save," pointed out Hanatarou desperately.

"It's awful!"

"Horrendous!"

"These things came from THAT," Hanatarou said as he jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "Now, do you really want to save it or them?"

This caused a large amount of confusion. "What do we do?"

"That thing is pollution in itself!"

"Of air and soil!"

"We must destroy it immediately!"

"DESTROY THE POLLUTION!" roared the Greens.

Hanatarou felt a soaring hope as, fore once, things seemed to be going his way. "I'll get the shovels!" he said, happily walking off with a bounce in his step which was almost a skip.

A confused voice said, "...shovels?"

#

Ichigo brought out his own sword and brought it up to defend before Byakuya's wrath was halted with a single word.

"_Brother_!" exclaimed Rukia. Byakuya halted. "It is a scarf!"

"It is my prized possession!"

"It's. A. Scarf. Now act like the man you are instead of like the hot-headed child he is," she said as she gestured to Ichigo. "And stop going Bankai!"

"Wh - Hey!" Ichigo exclaimed as he realised he'd been insulted. He was ignored.

"But...But..."

"_Brother_. Put the Bankai away."

"...Please? Can I just kill him a little?"

"You can't kill someone a little. You either kill them or you don't."

"Fine, I'll stop going Bankai." He did so. "Now can I kill him-"

"_**NO**_!"

"...Can I cut him up?"

"Right, give me Sebonzakura."

"What! But why?"

"Because you just tried to kill my friend with it, that's why!"

"But-"

"_Brother. Sebonzakura_."

"But-"

"_Now, Byakuya_."

"But-"

"You tried to get me freaking _executed _by using the freaking _Sokyoku_, Byakuya. I think you owe me enough for this."

Byakuya couldn't stand up to this. Hanging his head he stopped going Bankai and gave her his sword. Rukia turned to Ichigo. "And Zangetsu."

"What! I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING!"

"You set my scarf on fire."

"THAT DOESN'T COUNT!"

"I'm not taking any chances," Rukia said stubbornly. "You drew your sword in my house and now I'm confiscating it. Now give it here."

"What -but -I don't-"

"_Ichigo_."

"But-"

"_Ichigo. Zangetsu. Now_."

"But, I-"

"I gave you freaking _ginormous ass-kicking powers_ which now make you _powerful enough to defeat a freaking Captain_, Ichigo. I think you owe me enough for this."

Ichigo couldn't stand up to this. Hanging his head he handed her Zangetsu. "Good boys. Now, I'm going to hide these in a very safe place. If I come back and find that you've somehow found and retrieved them, so help me, I will ground you both for a month."

"Yes, Rukia," Byakuya and Ichigo said, heads hung, as she walked out of the room. There was a silence which prevailed until Rukia came back. When she did, Byakuya's lips twitched ever-so-slightly and he said, with a touch of pride, "you truly are a Kutchiki."

Rukia had to bite back tears at that. "Brother...Thankyou. That means a lot."

"So can I have Sebonzakura back?"

"No."

"If you hadn't overreacted over a scarf we'd still have our Zanpakto," pointed out Ichigo sullenly.

"Correction: if you hadn't _set my scarf on fire _we'd still have our Zanpakto," corrected Byakuya a touch childishly.

"Don't make this out to be my fault!"

"It _is _your fault."

"_That's it, I may not have Zangetsu but I'm still gong to kick your ass!"_

"Sebonzakura and I may still be separated by I will obliterate you nevertheless!"

"THAT'S IT!" screamed Rukia. "YOU TWO HAVE TO BOND!"

"...Huh?" said Ichigo.

"...Pardon?" said Byakuya.

"You two have to bond," repeated Rukia, glaring at them both. "You are two of the people I hold closest to my heart-"

Ichigo blushed and Byakuya said, in a touched voice, "Sister-"

"SHUT UP AND LISTEN! You are two of the people I hold closest to my heart SO DAMNIT YOU ARE GOING TO GET ALONG EVEN IF I HAVE TO MAKE YOU!"

"And... _bonding _will help us get along?" asked Byakuya, saying the word 'bonding' like it was a swear word.

"Yes. Or it will make you kill each other, but I've taken away your Zanpakto so hopefully it won't come to that."

"That's...reassuring," Byakuya commented.

"Wait -don't we get a say in-"

"_**NO**_!"

"-this," finished Ichigo. "I don't _want _to bond with him. He's always glaring at me."

"And I'd rather not be seen with a trumped-up dandelion with anger management issues."

"_Hey_!"

"This is why you have to bond," Rukia pointed out. "Now go bond."

"But-"

"I don't think-"

"May I remind you? _Execution? Ass-kicking powers_? Any of this ringing a bell? Now _bond_."

"He looks at me funny-"

"He is like an annoyed orangutan-"

"_**I. SAID. BOND**_."

"Okay, we'll bond!" Ichigo gave up.

"Yes, sister," Byakuya conceded.

"GO out somewhere."

"Here is fine-"

"Surely, in the comfort of my own-"

"_**I. SAID. GO. OUT. SOMWHERE**_."

"How does the art museum sound?"

"What a good suggestion."

They quickly left the room.

Rukia sighed in relief. "Renji, you can come out now. I know you're hiding here."

Renji came out. He was, very pointedly, standing a few feet away. "You scare me sometimes."

"Fear keeps you alive. Now, come on."

"Why -where are we going?"

"Following them. You think there's any way in hell that I'd leave those two alone? No, we're going to make sure they don't kill each other."

#

Hitsugaya smiled. He always got a satisfied feeling from completing paperwork. His office had changed somewhat, but that was okay.

As he continued to giggle occasionally and re-shuffled the paperwork, organising his desk to perfection, he decided that _everything _was okay.

#

"THIS IS NOT CPR!" screamed Makizou as another person began to try and beat him up.

"Of course it is. They're performing compressions," pointed out Isane from the corner of the room.

"THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING!" roared Makizou angrily. To be honest he wasn't actually getting very hurt. It was true that the members of Division Four had a lot of pent-up rage and they all seemed to be channelling onto him and walking away happily, but none of them were really that strong. It was either that or they all had some in-built aversion to harming as opposed to healing.

It was actually kind of pathetic, or so Makizou thought.

Even the woman with the baseball bat hadn't hurt that much.

He got more hurt when he fell over, in fact.

He got more hurt _walking down the street_.

Though, considering that he fought when he walked (and slept and ate too, but that was another matter entirely), that wasn't making the point he wanted to make.

He glanced at Isane, wondering what the hell she was doing...

"HEY!" he yelled as he saw Isane having a cup of tea and some biscuits with a few other members of Division Four. "I HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF!"

"I am, thank you," Isane said politely. She turned to the person next to her. "See? The program is working already. We are learning to vent our inner rage" she gestured to the line of people, some of which had objects like baseball bats "and he's learning manners."

#

Ichigo and Byakuya walked together in silence. They were three feet apart. Eventually Ichigo decided he probably should attempt some kind of communication.

"So..."

"So what?"

"So...Do you like cheese?" asked Ichigo for a lack of anything else to ask.

"...What's cheese?"

"Never mind."

It wasn't a promising start.

#

Hanatarou wandered back towards the stables with an armful of shovels, a happy smile across his face. When he rounded the corner and saw the smoke, he stopped smiling.

Dropping the shovels and running forward he began yelling, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

The Greens looked at him like he was an idiot. "Getting rid of the pollution, of course."

"_By burning it_? Doesn't that make _more _pollution?"

The female leader of the Greens put her hands on her hips. "Well, Mister Smarty-Pants, how exactly would _you _clean it up?"

"I would shovel it all on the manure pile so that, after it's been cooked by the sun for a bit so that nothing ALIVE comes out of it, it can actually be of use to someone! LIKE I WAS DOING BEFORE YOU CAME HERE! Then...wait for it, this is the really good part...THE STABLES WOULD STILL BE LEFT STANDING!"

"Oh...Well...That would have probably been better."

Hanatarou sighed, rubbing his temples. "Put the fire out. Since everything is pretty hard to destroy here, the fire shouldn't have done much damage. Oh, and, when you're done?"

"Yeah?"

"The shovels are over there. You can get to work."

A hand clamped on Hanatarou's shoulder. "And so can you."

#

"So..."

"So what?"

"So...Is there an actual art museum in the Seireitei? Because I don't actually know if there is one or not."

"There is a highly esteemed art museum."

"What's it like?"

"Highly esteemed."

Byakuya's tone marked the end of that particular conversation.

#

Someone ran into the room. "Everyone! The Captain is coming!" The chains disappeared, as if they'd never existed. Almost everyone went for the two other exits to the room with only a few left to practise actual CPR on Makizou.

Unohana walked it and saw Isane carefully observing Makizou. The man who was practising CPR on him finished and she asked him carefully as she felt his forehead, "are you feeling well?"

"...Fine," said Makizou. Unohana smiled, not seeing the small scalpel in the hand which Isane touched Makizou's forehead with.

"Everything seems to be going fine here," she said. "I just came to check on our Division Eleven Member. Is everything okay?"

"...Fine."

Unohana smiled. "Well, that's good to hear. I think someone needs you to run an errand for them, though... I'll send them right here. Unless you're busy?"

"No, not at all," answered Makizou hurriedly.

"Well, they should be along in a few minutes."

Seeing the black looks of those around him Makizou said, "how about I go after them? It seems kind of rude to make them walk all this way."

"That's very thoughtful of you," complimented Unohana. "See? This program really is helping you be more polite. Just follow me."

"Sure," muttered Makizou before following Unohana out.

#

"So..."

"Can you not think of anything slightly more original with which to begin a conversation?"

"I don't see you doing any better! At least I'm trying to make conversation, while you just walk along brooding."

"I am not brooding, I am-"

"In denial, that's what you are."

"I am appreciating the silence which you keep breaking with your half-witted mumblings."

"HALF-WIT? ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A FIGHT?"

"Are you looking for your brain?"

"OKAY THAT'S IT-" _Smack_. "Ow!"

Flick. "Ah!"

Rukia and Renji had just appeared as if by magic. Rukia had simply flicked Byakuya's nose while Renji had smacked Ichigo over the head quite hard.

"Where the hell did you two come from?" asked Ichigo.

"We're trying to stop you killing each other," Renji spat in reply.

"I WAS ASKING RUKIA!"

"WELL YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME!"

Rukia decided to step in. "DON'T MAKE ME MAKE YOU BOND TOO, RENJI!"

Renji became very silent very quickly.

"Now WE are going to show up and STOP YOU every time you START FIGHITNG so DO THE SMART THIGN and DON'T FIGHT!"

With that, they disappeared.

"She really is an embodiment of the Kutchiki clan," said Byakuya admiringly.

"No kidding," nodded Ichigo. "Hey, is that the art museum?"

Byakuya looked. "Well, considering the large sign saying 'Art Museum'-"

"Yeah, yeah, stupid question. Let's just go in and hope Rukia doesn't decide to kill us because we're not holding hands."

As they ventured into the art museum, a certain thought struck Byakuya, almost making him stop in his tracks. Rukia said before, "_You are two of the people I hold closest to my heart_..."

You _two_.

Meaning Ichigo as well.

Could_ Rukia...and Ichigo_...Byakuya thought.

Ichigo looked around administration. "Hey," he said, trying to get the attention of the receptionist. The man there looked up from what ever he was writing.

"Hello, how can I..." The man looked at Ichigo. He looked at Byakuya, who was now looking quite menacing. He hid behind the table.

"Uh...Hello?" asked Ichigo, thoroughly confused. "Are you still there?"

"_No. Go away and don't kill me_."

"I'm not going to kill you."

"_I'm not here! Go away_!"

"...You are there. I can see the corner of your robes."

"_We're not open_."

"...Then why is there a little sign on your desk saying 'open'?"

A hand reached up, turned the sign around so it read 'closed' and whipped back under the desk.

Ichigo sighed. "Well, it looks like we're not going to get any help from this-" he looked around at Byakuya. He stepped away from him. "Gah! I swear, I feel a way of 'I'm going to kill you' vibes coming from you _now _worse than when you were actually _trying to kill me_! What's wrong with you?"

Byakuya, death glaring Ichigo, said, "nothing is the matter. Now are we going to explore this museum or stand here talking about it?" He moved forward, walking towards the statue section. Ichigo, for a lack of anything else to do, followed him.

But he made sure to keep three feet away at all times.

#

"I need you to get this message to a man called Urahara," Zaraki told Hanatarou as he escorted him back to Zaraki's office. Well, escorted seemed a bit mild...Maybe dragged there with the threat of death hanging over Hanatarou's head if he didn't comply would be more accurate.

Hanatarou didn't argue. "Okay...Where do I find him, Captain Zaraki?"

Zaraki opened one of his office drawers and took out a piece of paper. He put it on the desk and opened and shut the drawer a few more times, just for kicks. He saw Hanatarou's gaze. "Something you want to say?" It carried a threat.

"N-no, Captain Zaraki," hurriedly stuttered Hanatarou, expecting Zaraki to shout at him some more and then being pleasantly surprised when he didn't. He looked back at the Captain. He was opening and shutting the drawer again.

"I haven't been able to do this for ages," Zaraki told him, almost as if he were speaking to himself. "This place was always so filled with paper that it stopped being an office and began being the paperwork storage room. Hell, I forgot this place even _had _drawers."

Hanatarou wondered, for a moment, if the Captain was..._thanking _him? Again?

That would probably make it the second time in two centuries the Captain had said thank you to anyone.

A world record.

But there was still half a wall covered with forms and paperwork which actually needed to be finished and the piles of paperwork which had to be taken to other Divisions, and the Captain seemed to realise this. "When you get back, get started on this paperwork."

"Yes, sir."

"Here's the directions to Urahara's shop." Zaraki handed him the piece of paper he had taken out of the drawer.

Hanatarou nodded. "Yes, sir." He walked out, hurrying to get the job done. Zaraki stared after him for a moment.

"HEY, PANSY, YOU FORGOT THE MESSAGE!"

Hanatarou rushed back in. "_I'm sorry, Captain._"

Zaraki took out another piece of paper and gave it to him.

Hanatarou hurried out of the room again.

Zaraki began opening and shutting drawers, muttering, "this one even has little _**compartments**_**..."**


	5. The Art Competition From Hell

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day Two**

**The Art Competition From Hell**

"...These are very...interesting," Ichigo tried to make conversation.

"They are the pride and joy of the Seireitei," Byakuya said in a cutting tone which told Ichigo that he was still angry.

"Like I said...Interesting."

Interesting was pushing it. To be honest, the randomly mangled swirly shapes seemed more suited to the nightmares of drug addicts than anything actually admired and respected. It was as if the Soul Reaper sculptors had deliberately set out to create the most strange, ugly and, above all, weird statues possible.

"Maybe we should look at something else...Do you have mosaics?" asked Ichigo, hopeful to find that a civilization made of the dead from his world would at least have _one _decent piece of art.

If not, it was a sad day for the Seireitei.

"You want to see some mosaics?" asked Byakuya coldly.

"...Yes?" asked Ichigo, unsure.

"Then stop dawdling and follow me."

Ichigo made sure to keep his distance as he hurried after Byakuya, grateful that Rukia had taken Sebonzakura from Byakuya.

#

Hanatarou rushed onto Earth, hoping that the man Zaraki had sent him to wasn't as volatile as the Captain. Hanatarou had been a little worried on the way that Zaraki kept opening and shutting the doors. He was hoping that he hadn't sparked off some long-suppressed draw fetish...

And he was stopping that thought right there.

Hanatarou arrived at the shop front which was described on the piece of paper holding the directions. He stepped up to the shop front, hesitated, and knocked. "Uh, hello?" he called timidly. "I'm here to see a man called 'Urahara'-" He screamed and jumped back as the door was thrown back and four pairs of eyes stared at him in complete and utter shock.

"Is that..." gaped a red-headed boy.

"It's impossible..." said a stunned little girl.

"It can't be real..." mumbled a tall, dark-skinned man.

"I can't believe my eyes..." murmured a man wearing a droopy white and green striped hat.

"It's...A CUSTOMER!" they all shouted at once. Hanatarou stepped back.

Suddenly the red-headed boy appeared beside him. "No, don't go!"

"We haven't had a real customer in so long," the little girl told Hanatarou.

"R-really?" asked Hanatarou, stunned by so many people wanting to welcome him.

"Yes, come in, come in and be welcome!" said the man in the hat who, as Hanatarou glanced down at his feet, was also wearing clogs.

"I'll make some tea!" announced the dark-skinned man.

"We should have a party to celebrate this momentous occasion!" exclaimed the hat-and-clog wearing man.

"I'll get the streamers and balloons!" said the girl before rushing off.

"I'll make the banner," the boy told them before he rushed off too.

"Don't forget the cake!"

"Shall we have the sparkly balloons or the normal ones?"

"Both! Oh, and remember to throw confetti everywhere."

Hanatarou was still standing, frozen. "I don't think I've ever had so many people make such a fuss over me before," he mumbled, shell-shocked.

"There's a first time for everything," the hat-and-clogs man said, clapping Hanatarou on the back. Hanatarou stumbled and the man helped him stand. "Sorry. Kind of delicate, aren't you?"

"_You have no idea_."

#

It was a sad day for the Seireitei.

Every one of the mosaics looked like they were put together by an old, blind, uncoordinated gorilla that had no sense of colour, shape, or style.

"Is that...An elephant?" he asked at one.

"No, it's a house. Elephants aren't rainbow-coloured," replied Byakuya in a cool tone.

_Neither are houses_, thought Ichigo. _Unless you are on something you aren't supposed to be on_.

But Ichigo suppressed that thought and moved on to the next one.

"Ah, _this _one looks like a house."

"It's a hat."

"...Okay, moving on." Ichigo went to the next one. "Okay, now this has got to be a man break-dancing. There's nothing else it could possibly be."

"It's an elephant."

"...Let's move on to the paintings."

#

Hanatarou was feeling decidedly odd. No-one had thrown a party for him before. He sat around the table under a banner saying 'Welcome, Customer!' in big sparkly letters with balloons, streamers and confetti everywhere, the five people talking excitedly about new business opportunities and how everything was going to get better. Hanatarou simply didn't have the heart to refute them.

"So, what was your name again?" asked the man in a hat and clogs.

"Hanatarou Yamada."

For a moment it seemed as if the man's eyes glazed, though it was hard to tell under the hat. "...Sorry, could you repeat that?"

Hanatarou did.

The man smiled uncertainly. "...Yeah. Well, nice to meet you..._You_," he the last word in the same way people everywhere said it when they forgot someone's name.

For a moment Hanatarou felt relief over the familiar forgetting of his names.

Then he remembered to be depressed and wasn't relieved any more.

"Uh..." Hanatarou began, getting the man's attention.

"Here, have some cake, customer," the man told him as he shoved a piece of cake in his face.

"N-no thanks-"

"Come on, eat up, I insist."

"No, really , I-"

"_Eat the damn cake_."

"Okay," Hanatarou gave up.

"You're the first customer we've had for a while," the red-headed boy told him. "Uh...What was your name?"

"Hanatarou Yamada."

Everyone's eyes glazed for a moment.

"...We're glad you could celebrate with us," the little girl changed the subject to the general relief of all present. "Customer."

"All drink to the customer!"

"Here here!" everyone said as they drank to Hanatarou.

"Uh...Thanks..."

They celebrated for a while before the food was gone and everyone sort of drifted away, except the man in a hat and clogs. He clapped his hands together and looked at Hanatarou. "So, what can I do for you?"

"Are you Urahara?"

"I am. How can I help you?"

Hanatarou felt a rush of relief. "I was sent here by Captain Zaraki of Division Eleven."

Urahara flinched before smiling again, a smile which was far more false than his previous smile. "He's not...coming here, is he?"

"No, he sent me-"

"_Oh, thank god_. Last time he came here he tried to fight with me and destroyed half my store when I wouldn't do it."

For a moment Hanatarou stared at Urahara in blatant admiration. "You..._refused _him?"

"Have you seen his muscles? Each is big enough to be a whole new person...And...that crazy look in his eye..." Urahara shuddered. "No way am I fighting him!"

"That seems reasonable to me," nodded Hanatarou. A thought struck him. "Do you know, I think you're on of the sanest people I've come across in the last twenty-four hours."

"...Thanks."

"I've been living in Division Eleven for the last twenty four hours. It's not really a big compliment."

Urahara looked at him with pity in his eyes. "You poor, poor man."

For a moment Hanatarou really wanted to beg Urahara if he could stay with him until the week was over, but he didn't want to disappoint Captain Unohana, so he simply brought out the folded piece of paper with what Zaraki wanted written on it and gave it to Urahara. "This s what Captain Zaraki sent me to get."

Urahara took the paper, unfolded it and read it. He snorted, "specific." He showed Hanatarou. It read, **'SAKE**!' "I don't suppose you could be any help in telling me what kind of Sake or anything like that?"

"Well...I think I would recognise the label...I think. I only had a cup before I passed out, though."

Urahara looked at him with eyes full of what could be either pity or scorn. It was kind of hard to tell under the hat. "That's kind of pathetic."

"I know."

"I think I could drink more than that when I was _four_."

"Probably."

Urahara sighed. "Well, we'd better check out my Sake collection."

#

_Okay, now this is just ridiculous_, thought Ichigo in utter disbelief.

Not _one _of the paintings would win a competition against a finger-painting toddler. Actually, they all _looked _as if they'd been panted by a finger-painting toddler. A cross-eyed finger painting toddler. With as much co-ordination as the aforementioned gorilla!

For a few moments Ichigo just stared at the paintings as they passed them. Several times he opened his mouth to say something but shut it again. Eventually Byakuya asked him, in a cold, emotionless, I-will-hurt-you-if-you-answer-wrong tone, "is there something you would like to say?"

Ichigo tried to suppress his opinion but his honesty , that blurt-out-everything-you-think-or-feel rule he lived by, stood up and shouted at Ichigo until he turned to Byakuya, opening his mouth to say what he really thought about the art of the Seireitei.

He saw Byakuya's face.

His honesty shut the hell up and went to sit in a corner and cry.

"No, nothing I want to say."

What happened next confused even the watching Rukia and Renji. One moment Ichigo was walking, the next he was sprawling, as if pushed by a faster-than-visible hand...

And then Rukia stopped being confused.

Ichigo was sent crashing into one of the pictures, his hand punching through it.

For a moment everyone froze.

"Aw, crap," said Ichigo.

"_Byakuya_," yelled Rukia.

Then the security guards showed up.

#

"No...No...No...No...No," repeated Hanatarou as Urahara showed him bottle after bottle. "By the way, how come the Captain gets his Sake from here?"

"I happen to run a little...business dealing in objects from Earth."

"...So you run a black market of Earth items?"

"Pretty much."

"So that's where all the references to random things on Earth come from," Hanatarou realised thoughtfully before looking at the next bottle. "No, that's not it...No...No...No...No..."

"It has to be one of these!" exclaimed Urahara.

"Well, I remember being told it was very high quality, if that helps," Hanatarou told him.

"Hm...Wait...No, surely..." Urahara went to the very top shelf and brought down a familiar-looking bottle. "You can't mean this?"

Hanatarou looked at the bottle, the exact same brand as the one from the previous night. "Yes, that's it."

Urahara looked confused. "But...Captain Zaraki only bought a lot of this the other day! It couldn't all be gone already."

"Lieutenant Yachiru decided to have a drinking party last night."

"Ah, that would explain it." Urahara began getting down a few more of the bottles of top-shelf Sake and putting them into a box he had previously prepared. "Who was there?"

"Uh...All of the Lieutenant, I think...Some Captains...And some others-"

"Matsumoto would be there, and she would probably take Kira and Hisage. Who else was there?"

"I think...Soifon was there."

"Yeah?" he sounded surprised as he fished packing and gave the box to Hanatarou. "Soifon? She doesn't usually go to parties unless Yoruichi drags her along...Well, goes there. Soifon sort of follows her there like a little puppy."

"Thankyou," thanked Hanatarou as he took the box and began walking out. "Yoruichi was there, too."

Urahara looked up in surprise, and with a good deal of hurt. "You mean...She went drinking without me? I think that's the second time that's happened. Maybe I should check up on her..."

"Uh-" began Hanatarou as he suddenly realised he had no money. "I'm afraid I...have no money..."

"It's all charged to Captain Zaraki's account. Don't worry about it."

"Oh...Thankyou. Well, thank you for all your help," Hanatarou tried to bow but he almost dropped the box. Urahara helped steady him.

"Careful. Zaraki would probably kill you if you broke his Sake."

"He would probably kill me if I looked at him funny."

They mulled this over.

"Probably. Well, good luck surviving in Division Eleven."

"Thankyou. And thankyou again for your help."

"Bye, now."

"Goodbye."

With that, they parted.

#

"You'll have to come with..." began the security guard before setting eyes on Byakuya. He stood a little straighter. "Uh...C-captain...I didn't see you..."

"Aren't you going to arrest him?" asked Byakuya maliciously as he nodded in Ichigo's direction. "He just destroyed a priceless work of art!"

"I'm sorry - do you mean the DAMN SQUIGGLE WHICH COULD HAVE BEEN DRAWN BY A BLIND DOG WITH A MUDDY STICK?"

Byakuya stiffened. "I have shown you the finest examples of Division Six art and you dare say that."

Ichigo looked at the 'finest examples of Division Six art'. He thought of Rukia's drawing skills. "A lot of things suddenly make a lot of sense."

Rukia appeared abruptly. "Brother, you just pushed Ichigo into that painting."

"...And?"

"One word, _Sebonzakura_."

"...Look, can't I just make him spend one night in jail? One little night?"

"NO!" yelled Ichigo.

"You don't get a say in this."

"NO!" yelled Rukia.

"You, on the other hand..."

"Brother, don't you see that your animosity towards Ichigo -which, by the way, is really quite random. You only disliked him this morning. Now you go around looking like you want his head on a stick!"

"I've realised how much I don't like him."

"...I would normally have a problem with that, but at the moment, I'm too busy yelling at you for something else...Which reminds me...Don't you see that your animosity towards Ichigo has made you ruin a priceless piece of art!"

"Oh, for the love of - A MONKEY WITH A STICK COULD MAKE A BETTER ARTWORK THAN THAT!"

Renji, who had been sort of edging around behind Rukia, looked hurt. "I drew that."

"...I really don't have anything to say to that other than YOU SUCK!"

"You are completely correct-" began Byakuya.

"...Captain?" asked Renji, looking hurt.

"No, not _him_, I mean Rukia."

"Oh." Renji looked happier.

"I have allowed my feelings to take control and now the only thing I can do to make amends is to rip Kurosaki limb from limb." It was said in Byakuya's normally cool voice so that is took them all a moment to realise what he'd said. Byakuya had begun to move towards Ichigo when Rukia stepped between them.

"No!" scolded Rukia as she smacked Byakuya over the head. "Bad Byakuya. _Naughty_. Grounded for a month."

"But...but..."

"No buts, mister."

Byakuya hung his head and muttered, "yes, Rukia."

"Now apologise to the nice Dandelion."

"HEY!"

"My apologies, Dandelion."

"I'M NOT A DANDELION!"

"No shouting in an art museum! You're grounded too!"

Byakuya smirked spitefully.

"But...But..."

"No, buts, mister."

Ichigo hung his head. "Yes, Rukia."

Rukia turned to the Security guards. "Sorry to keep you like that."

The Security guards had been standing around, looking awkward. "No problem. But an artwork has been destroyed here."

"We'll just have to replace it, then," Rukia said. A gleam came into her eye. "And I have an idea how!"

Ichigo, Renji and Byakuya had the feeling they really weren't going to like this.

#

Makizou followed Unohana, feeling safe enough behind her to give everyone mean glares.

"All you must do is take some medication to a few places. It is a bit of a walk...Are you still okay with that?"

Makizou remembered the 'CPR'. "Yes, I'm fine with it."

"Okay, well here we are..." Unohana opened a door. A doctor stood, putting different kinds of medications into a crate. He glanced up, did a double take when he saw Makizou. As Unohana looked at him and told him what he needed to do, the doctor slowly drew a finger across his throat. "First you need to drop off some antacid into the Art Museum, you can do that first since it's right next door." The doctor took out a clamp and, an evil smile on his face, began tightening it menacingly. "Then you'll need to drop off the rest of the medication in Divisions One, Three and...Well, it's all on the bottles...Say, are you alright? You have suddenly gone pale?"

"Fine," croaked Makizou, very, very, scared by how the doctor was pointing the clamp at his manhood behind Unohana. "I'll get started right away."

#

Hanatarou knocked on Captain Zaraki's door. It opened.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, PANSY -oh, you got the Sake," amended Captain Zaraki as he saw what Hanatarou carried. Zaraki took it off him and put it into the corner of his office. Yachiru was there, holding two vials which looked rather dangerous.

"Uh...Lieutenant," Hanatarou began hesitatingly. "You aren't going to...drink those...Are you?"

"Of course not, Droopy," she smiled. "That would be silly."

"Oh, well, that's a relief," he told her.

"I'm going to make someone else drink them."

"...I'm not sure-"

"HEY, PANSY, GET BACK TO WORK!"

"_Ah! Yes, C-captain_!" Hanatarou rushed to the piles of paperwork, seized what looked like one of the smallest and rushed out of the room. Once he was out he breathed a sigh of relief and looked down at the package. "Division Six."

#

"...I'm sorry, but does anyone actually think this is a good idea?" asked Ichigo as the four of them as in front of Easels with paintbrushes and paints.

"_I _think it's a good idea."

"Anyone besides Rukia."

Silence.

"Right. Well, it's good to know I'm not alone in thinking that this is absolutely-"

"CoughcoughZangetsucough," Rukia coughed.

Ichigo looked at Rukia. "That's what I love about you, Rukia. As subtle as an iron club."

Unnoticed by either Ichigo or Rukia, Byakuya gripped his paintbrush harder. "_Love_?" he asked very softly in a voice which hinted at violence.

"If I'm as subtle as an iron club, then you're as subtle as the freaking _Titanic_."

"Can we please just get this damn art competition over and done with," Renji sighed. The others agreed with this and lapsed into silence.

The Security guards stood off the side. One muttered, "was it really a good idea to let them have an art competition to find one good enough to replace the destroyed piece?"

"Of course not," replied the other. "But _he's _a Captain with Issues, _he's _a Dandelion with ass-kicking powers, _he's _a Lieutenant, also with Issues, and _she _bosses them all around like some kind of Nazi mother from hell. Do you really want to argue with any of them?"  
>"...Point," admitted the first Security guard.<p>

#

"Um...Hello?" asked Hanatarou shyly as he reached Division Six. For some reason the gates were locked. "Is anyone home?"

"What do you want?" called a voice.

"I'm here to drop off some paperwork-"

"Go away!"

"...But-"

"This is the first vacation we've had since Captain Kutchiki became Captain. Do you have ANY idea how much of a SLAVE DRIVER that man is? GET STUFFED! NOW LET'S PARTY, WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A moment later, Hanatarou heard the sounds of a party starting, the very sound of which made his head throb for the first time. He hadn't even thought he'd drunk enough for a hang over, but apparently he was wrong. "Is there any place I can just leave these, then?"

"Go to the art museum, the Captain and Lieutenant are there!"

With that he heard a closing door and knew he wouldn't get any more out of that particular person. Hanatarou sighed, really not wanting to speak to any more Captains or Lieutenant for as long as he lived (except maybe those of his own Division). But, seeing no other choice, he began heading towards the art museum.

#

"Hey," barked Makizou, feeling free to be his original abrasive self without the restrictions of Division Four. "Oi, I've got some medication!"

A scared-looking receptionist appeared. "Who for?"

Makizou read out the name.

"He's a security guard who's on duty right now. Check in the paintings section."

"Yeah, whatever. Hey, you want to fight?"

"No, I don't."

"...Not even a little?"

"Afraid not."

Makizou sighed. "What ever." He stalked off. The receptionist breathed a sigh of relief.

#

Hanatarou took a short cut and arrived at the art museum in almost no time at all. He entered and looked around. "H-hello?" he stammered nervously, feeling like an intruder. "Is anyone here?"

"...Oh, thank goodness. I thought it was another Division Eleven member or someone equally horrifying," gushed the scared-looking receptionist. Hanatarou could relate to the feeling. "How can I help you?"

"I'm looking for the Division Six-"

"Paintings section."

"Oh...Thankyou," Hanatarou thanked before walking off towards the paintings section. When he got there, he found a very unusual scene. Three of what for want of a better word Hanatarou would call paintings were lined up there with six Soul Reapers and one Ichigo Kurosaki around them. Ichigo and three of the Soul Reapers, who Hanatarou recognised as Captain Kutchiki, Rukia and Lieutenant Renji, were trying to bully the other three into judging the paintings.

"Come on, you've got to pick _one _of them," urged Ichigo, frustrated. "Or we'll be here all day."

"I'd rather not die a horrible death for picking the wrong one," said Security Guard One in fear.

"I second that!" seconded Security Guard Two.

"I just came here to give this guy his antacid," another Soul Reaper, one who triggered the name 'Mini Moustache' in Hanatarou's mind, as he jerked his thumb towards Security Guard One. "Now I'm out of here -"

"No, you're staying right where you are until this matter is resolved," Byakuya said in a silkily dangerous tone.

Mini Moustache stayed right where he was.

"Really, guys, just pick one," an exasperated Renji sighed. "I mean, to be honest, they're all equally as crap as each other so it really doesn't matter-"

Rukia gasped in horror. "How could you say that, Renji! My brother's artwork is a breathtakingly well-crafted masterpiece which you should feel honoured just to lay your eyes on. It's clear to me that his is the only one good enough to win this!"

They all looked at Byakuya's painting.

"It's a dot," pointed out Ichigo.

"It's a masterpiece!" exclaimed Rukia.

"...Rukia, it's a black dot on white paper," explained Ichigo slowly and carefully. "It doesn't even look finished. It looks like someone randomly walked in, put a spot of paint on a piece of paper then walked out to go chase butterflies or...or Sakura petals or something."

Rukia put her hands over her ears. "Lies, all of it, lies!"

"At least you know what it is," Byakuya told Ichigo. "What is yours supposed to be?"

"I never said I could actually draw!" exclaimed Ichigo, raising his hands in protest. "Or paint, or anything! You just put me in front of a piece of paper and told me to paint something! I tried to paint what ever came into my head first, and forgive me if that isn't masterpiece material, MR I'll-Draw-A-Dot-And-Call-It-Art!"

"It _is _art." defended Rukia while Byakuya looked superior.

"...My god," Ichigo realised, his voice full of pity. "You actually _believe_ that, don't you?"

"What _did _come into your mind first?" curiously asked Renji. "I'm trying to figure out what it is, but I just can't..."

They all looked at Ichigo's painting.

"It's-" began Ichigo.

"Could it be a person?" asked Rukia.

"People don't look like that," Renji shook his head.

"I doubt _anything _looks like that," Byakuya told them. The other two nodded, agreeing.

"Hey, it isn't that bad-" began Ichigo again only to be interrupted a second time.

"Could it be a flower?"

"...Nah," Renji shook his head again in a negative.

"Not unless it's hideously disfigured."

"Look, if you just let me say-"

"Maybe it really is a person."

"Rukia, there's no way-"

"No, no, just look...If that part was the arm...And that's the leg folded up..."

"But, if it's a person, then..." Renji gasped suddenly, then stifled a snort. "Ichigo painted a naked person!"

"WHAT! IT'S NOT EVEN A PERSON!"

"Really, Ichigo, we all understand," Renji continued between snorts of laughter. "Human hormones of a teenage boy and all that."

"BUT IT ISN'T-"

"Really, Kurosaki, that is crude, even for you," Rukia's brother told him.

"...What do you mean, 'even for me'?"

"But who is it?" asked Rukia. "I don't think I can even tell if it's male or female...Only that it has black hair..."

"IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HAIR!"

But they were all silent. Byakuya was looking at him with that death-glare again which suggested that, had Rukia not taken him away, Ichigo would now be impaled on Sebonzakura...Again. What surprised Ichigo was that Renji was giving him the same glare, and _that _was worrying because Renji still had his Zanpakto. Rukia was looking at him in a different way, however, in a calmly curious light.

"W-what?" Ichigo asked, suddenly very, very nervous. He spotted the two Security Guards and the other soul reaper. They were all looking at him pityingly. "What is it?"

"You really don't realise?" asked Security Guard One.

"That's just sad," continued the other.

"Where is your sense of manliness?" asked the man who had delivered the medicine, shaking his head in disappointment.

"...Huh?' asked Ichigo.

Then he realised and, very slowly, turned around.

Rukia had black hair.

"W-wait, you've got it wrong!" Ichigo tried.

"_You...painted...my...sister...naked_?" asked Byakuya in a slow manner, each word heavy and slow with murderous rage.

"No, I didn't-"

"Man, you've really done i this time," Renji told him as he unsheathed his Zanpakto.

"Wait, I wouldn't-"

"You know, Ichigo," Rukia told him, considering. "You really should just confess. I mean, who else could it be? The only other black-haired person here is Byakuya. And you wouldn't paint him naked...would you?"

"ACK -NO!"

Renji had stopped looking murderous and was looking slightly queasy. "...Ichigo...Likes men?"

"_You...painted...me...naked_?" asked Byakuya in the exact same tone.

"NO!"

"And, to think of all the times I woke him up...standing over him..." Renji muttered, looking very much like he would like to curl up in a ball and cry.

"IT'S FREAKING ZANGETSU!"

Everyone stopped.

"Now will you PLEASE stop with all the talk of naked people!" yelled Ichigo desperately.

There was a moment of silence before Renji asked, hesitatingly, "you...painted Zangetsu...naked-"

"NO! I MEAN I PAINTED MY SWORD!"

Rukia snorted. Byakuya almost snarled. "So you painted _yourself _naked-"

"I MEAN ZANGETSU AS A SWORD!"

"...So you _did _paint him naked?"

"He is A ZANPAKTO!"

"When I get Sebonzakura back, you can say goodbye to your sword," said Byakuya calmly. "And I do not mean the one you fight with."

Ichigo was suddenly very, _very _scared.

"No, I think I see what he means," Rukia directed her words to everyone, thinking. "He means he painted Zangetsu as a Zanpakto."

There was a collective, "_oh_...!" from both Byakuya and Renji. Somehow, although Ichigo had been screaming it for the last minute, they only managed to grasp the fact that Ichigo had not painted anything pornographic when Rukia stated it.

"Well, that's a relief," Renji grinned at Ichigo. "I mean not that I have a problem with gay people...Just you being one? _That _I would have a problem with."

"I am also relieved," stated Byakuya. "Now I will not have to rip Ichigo limb from limb."

"That's good to hear," smiled Rukia.

"Instead, I'll just stab him the first chance I get."

"I should be feeling insulted by that," Ichigo said glumly. "But, to be honest, I'm really just relieved I'm not _dead_."

Rukia patted his arm. "That's the spirit!"

Ichigo looked at Renji and Rukia's paintings. "Can I ask...Even though, for once, I'm _really _scared to...More scared than when I'm actually about to, you know, _die_...Which happens a lot more than it should, to tell you the truth...What are they?"

Rukia smiled proudly. "I tried to paint the Thirteenth Division!"

"...Obviously, the key word being 'tried'," commented Ichigo. "And yours, Renji?"

"I forget."

"How can you forget?"

"Look at it," commanded Renji. They complied. "Now do you have any idea what that is?"

"...Nuh."

"...Not a clue."

"I can not say I do, no."

"I think I tried to paint one thing, then turned it into another, and now it's sort of a hybrid f random objects mashed together when they really should not be mashed together."

They all thought this over.

"Fair enough."

"I don't have a problem with that."

"That seems perfectly reasonable to me." Byakuya turned his gaze to the Security Guards and the other Soul Reaper, all of which had been watching this little drama play out with the numb horror which arises from the realisation that everyone and everything you thought good, honourable and just were really just charades hiding childish pettiness and incredibly awful painting abilities. "Now you three must judge them."

"Never!" objected Security Guard One.

"I won't!" Security Guard Two shook his head.

Mini Moustache's gaze reached Hanatarou, who had been quietly and patiently watching all of what had previously occurred in the same manner one watches a car crash. "Why don't you get him to do it!"

Hanatarou turned around and began running.

Unfortunately he didn't get very far, as Byakuya's flash-step brought him right behind Hanatarou. "Who are you?" asked the Captain.

"Uh...Hanatarou Yamada," said Hanatarou.

Momentarily the Captain's eyes glazed over. "...Yes. Of course it is...What are you doing here..._You_?"

"C-Captain Zarak-ki asked m-me to give these t-to you," stuttered Hanatarou, the thoughtfully menacing expression on the Captain's face making him very, very scared. He held up the box full of paperwork.

"Did you not go to my barracks first?"

"Y-yes, sir, b-but they t-told me to go away."

"Why would they do that?"

"I think they were b-busy having a party, Captain."

"...A...party?"

"Yes, Captain."

"...I will deal with them when I return," decided te Captain. "Put those down and follow me."

Hanatarou followed the Captain back the the four artworks. Byakuya's hand clamped over Hanatarou's shoulder. "_He _will be our judge."

To be honest, Hanatarou had expected this. Even so he spluttered, "I'll be what?"

The hand on his shoulder tightened. "Unless you have any...Objections?"

It was clear to all present that, in this case, 'objections' meant 'death wishes'.

Hanatarou sighed. "No, Captain Kutchiki."

"Good." He pushed Hanatarou forward.

"Uh..." Hanatarou began, looking at all the artworks, desperately trying to find something nice, _anything _nice to say about any of them which would ensure that his upcoming death wouldn't be painful. "...Um...W-well...Uh..."

"Oh, for he love of..." Renji rolled his eyes. "Look...What's your name again?"

"Hanatarou Yamada."

Ichigo looked thoughtful as Renji's eyes momentarily glazed over. "Why does that sound familiar..."

"Possibly because I saved your life."

"Ah." Ichigo nodded. "That happens a lot."

"Hanatarou," smiled Rukia. "Good to see you again!"

Hanatarou stared at her. "You...Remember my name?"

She nodded.

"...For a moment there I was happy, but then I remembered the other thousand people who can't remember it and now I'm just depressed again."

"You are trying my patience," snapped Byakuya. "Choose a painting."

"B-but...How about we have some tea first?" suggested Hanatarou hopefully.

Byakuya sighed. "Fine."

The eight of them had some tea together, the two Security guards and Mini Moustache as well, in complete silence. That is, until Renji said to Ichigo, "would you stop slurping the damn tea? People down on earth can probably hear you."

"I'm _not _slurping."

"You are."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"DO YOU WANT ME TO KICK YOUR ASS?"

"YOU COULDN'T DO IT IF YOU TRIED!"

"OH, THAT'S IT-" Ichigo whacked Renji in the face as Renji head butted him. They crashed into each other, then crashed into Mini Moustache's crate of medication.

"YOU IDIOTS!" yelled Mini Moustache.

"ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A FIGHT TOO?" screamed both Ichigo and Renji.

Mini Moustache grinned. "Hells yeah!" before he dove in and began fighting too. He didn't see the way that most of the little pills bottles and medications stayed perfectly unharmed, as Unohana took optimum care with her medicines. But there was one bottle which contained four pills with a big sticker saying 'EXPERIMENTAL'. It was from Mayuri's lab, and had been delivered to Unohana by mistake.

Mayuri didn't take as much care with his...experiments as Unohana did with her medication.

As a result, the bottle broke open, the force of Ichigo, Renji and Mini Moustache's battles throwing the four pills into four different cups.

No-one saw this except Rukia.

"Ah..." she began. "You guys?"

They took no notice of her, instead trying to pummel as much of each other as they could reach.

"HEY, YOU THREE!"

This got their attention. Unfortunately, they assumed she simply wanted them to stop fighting.

"Sorry, Rukia," apologised Renji. "Dandelion here just got on my nerves."

"I AM NOT A DANDELION!" replied Ichigo with his customary overreaction before gulping down his tea as if it had personally offended him.

"Ichigo -don't-" Rukia tried, too late. She turned to Mini Moustache.

"Sake is always better after a fight, but this'll do," he said before gulping down his as well.

"No -don't drink!" She turned to Byakuya, who was sipping the last of his tea.

"This tea is slightly over brewed."

"No, brother, it's-" Rukia gave up. She turned to Hanatarou and saw him finish swallowing the last of his tea. "_Hanatarou_..."

"What is it?" he asked Rukia. "Have I done something?"

Rukia lowered her head and hit it against the table.

"...Rukia?" Hanatarou asked.

"Is something the matter, sister?"

"What's up, Rukia?" inquired Ichigo.

"Probably wants Sake, like me," grunted Mini Moustache.

Without lifting her head, Rukia pointed to the crate. "Ichigo, Byakuya...I don't know your name, so I'll just say delivery guy, and Hanatarou, go look in that crate."

The four of them did so.

"It's full of medicine," pointed out Ichigo.

"Yeah, Captain Unohana asked me to deliver everyone's medicine," Mini Moustache told him.

"So what does my sister want us to see?" asked Byakuya.

It was Hanatarou who first saw it. "Uh...Is that bottle supposed to be open...And empty..."

The other three looked at the bottle.

For a moment they all stared at it.

Hanatarou sighed. "I'll go write my will."

Ichigo reached out and dragged him back. "We don't even know what it does."

Byakuya took out the bottle and read out the label. "'Experimental pills, created by Captain...Mayuri...Kurotsutchi...'"

"We're all going to die," Hanatarou said miserably.

"Don't be such a pessimist," Ichigo frowned.

"Actually, he is probably correct," said a now-depressed Byakuya.

"What else does it say?" asked Mini Moustache. Byakuya continued reading.

"'Pills include: one transformation pill, one truth-pill, one resurrecting-the-dead pill and one communication pill.'"

"...Oh, well, that doesn't sound too bad," Ichigo grinned. "All we have to do now is figure out which ones we got and - HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

The reason Ichigo was now laughing uncontrollably was because he had turned around and seen Mini-Moustache.

Makizou had turned into an Oompa Loompa.

"Hey, what are you laughing at?" asked Mini Moustache in a ridiculously high voice. His eyes widened as he heard himself. He looked down at his now-orange hands and gasped, dragged a piece of green hair in front of his eyes and whimpered. He stood to his full height and gritted his teeth as he realised that his full height was now approximately one metre.

"You have got to be freaking kidding me," he snarled in a squeaky voice.

"..._Ha_," Ichigo wiped tears of laughter away as he took a breath. "Well, at least we now know which one you have-"

_**Ha, sucker got the Oompa-Loompa pill**_! laughed a high-pitched, screeching voice.

"Who said that?" Ichigo turned around, trying to find the owner of the familiar voice.

Everyone gave him a funny look. "No-one said anything," Rukia told him.

"But...someone just said..."

_**Better him than us, I say. I mean, can you imagine how stupid we'd look with both orange hair and skin**_? screeched a voice which Ichigo realised was in his head. _**Though now I think about it, we'd get the green hair too...Still, it would look stupid.**_

"Oh, you have _got _to be ****ing be," he swore. "...I think I've got the communication one."

_**Whoa, smart. Careful not to burst a brain vessel...If you can find one**_!

"What makes you say that?" asked Renji.

"Because...Hey, Byakuya, remember that screeching hollow-thing which fought you last time we battled...before today, I mean?"

"...Yes."

"Well, that BASTARD is IN MY HEAD...and, worst of all...I CAN HEAR HIM!"

**_Ooooooooooh, touchy, aren't we? You know who _I'd _like to be touchy with? That Rukia over there._**

"THAT IS DISGUSTING, YOU PERVERT!" screamed Ichigo.

**I agree**, said a cool, calm voice which Ichigo recognised as Zangetsu. **You must not say things like that**.

_**I've been quiet for too long**_! snarled hollow Ichigo.

"Not long enough. By the way, it's good to hear you Zangetsu."

**Thankyou**.

"So, you have a Hollow Ichigo?" asked Renji, scratching his head. "Does that make him...Hichigo?"

_**Hichigo, yeah, I like that**_, screeched the newly named Hichigo.

"He says yes...And also that -NO, I AM NOT SAYING THAT TO RUKIA! NO! NOT THAT EITHER! Zangetsu, can you shut him up? Please?"

"...Yeah, anyway," Rukia said, turning away from Ichigo as he continued his little schizophrenic monologue in the corner. "So that's two pills down...But what have you two got?"

Byakuya opened his mouth to say he wasn't sure when a strange thing began happening to his hair. It began moving. And not the way he liked it to move, pushed around by the wind. No, it was moving...By itself.

"Holy crap," Renji stated as Byakuya's hair stood on end. "Byakuya, I think your hair is...Alive."

"I guess that means you have the one which brings people back to life," mused Rukia as Byakuya watched his hair through horrified eyes.

"Can you please take this thing off us?" asked a new voice which sounded kind of like many Byakuya's at once. "It's so restrictive...We don't know if you think it's cool or what ever, but we think it's damned annoying."

Byakuya was staring at his hair in horror. "Did you just...speak?"

It poked him in the eye. "What do you think? Now will you take off the Kenseiken?"

"...No."

The hair began attacking Byakuya. As the Captain tried to wrench the living hair off his face, Rukia, Renji and the two Security guards looked at Hanatarou.

"Hm..." murmured Rukia thoughtfully. "Living hair... that could only be the resurrection pill."

"And the transformation and communication pills have largely been taken," Renji continued. "So that leaves..."

Rukia looked at Hanatarou. "Does this kimono make me look fat?"

"Yes." Hanatarou clamped his hand over his mouth, eyes wide. "I'm sorry, Rukia!" they heard through his hands.

Renji snickered. "At least we know it works." Rukia whacked him over the head. "Ow! How come you didn't hit him!"

"Because he has the truth pill as an excuse. You're just an ass. Besides, I think he would probably break if I hit him. Which reminds me," Rukia grinned as she turned to Hanatarou, a gleam coming into her eye. "The art competition."

"Oh, no," moaned Hanatarou.

"Hey, Ichigo, stop talking to yourself!"

"I'm not talking to -HEY, SHE DIDN'T ASK YOU! No, I will not...you're right, Zangetsu -because you're a-"

"_Ichigo_!"

"Sorry."

"Byakuya, just take the damn thing off...Byakuya?" she walked over to where her brother was writhing on the ground, apparently dying. She sighed. "What would you do without me?" Rukia reached down, released a little catch on the chains which bound Byakuya's hair and took off his Kenseiken. "Now will you lot stop it?"

"WE ARE FREE!" cheered Byakuya's hair. "HOORAH WORSHIP THE ONE WHO FREED US!"

"Can you worship me by letting my brother breath?"

"NO!"

"Hair," she said warningly. Thousands of tiny Byakuya-hairs sighed.

"Fine." Byakuya was released and gasped for a moment.

"Th-thankyou, sister."

"No problem. Come on, Hanatarou is going to judge the art competition for us." She looked at Hanatarou, who very much looked as if he wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

"No," he answered straight away, despite the hand trying to muffle his words. "Not unless you threaten me with imminent and extremely painful death." He then let out a frightened squeak.

"That can be arranged," Byakuya said softly.

"He means it!" seconded his hair.

"Now will you judge our art competition?" asked Rukia again.

"Yes," Hanatarou managed, despite now having _two _hands trying to muffle his words.

"Good," Renji stated, seizing Hanatarou and dragging him over to the paintings. They didn't notice one of the Security Guards say something to the other before rushing off. Makizou decided to take that opportunity to slip away, remembering to grab the crate full of medication before doing so.

"Okay, so," began Ichigo as he walked over, trying to ignore the voices in his head. "Come on...You. What do you think?"

"That you're a twat who looks like a Dandelion and, considering that you stormed in her and defeated a bunch of people you shouldn't have been able to defeat before rescuing someone you shouldn't have been able to rescue, should have enough brain power to remember my damn name." All of this was, very fascinatingly, said through two hands.

"Wh- Hey!" barked Ichigo. "SHUT UP HICHIGO, NO I DON'T CARE THAT YOU AGREE WITH HIM!"

"Hell, I agree with him too," muttered Renji. "Hey, Hanatarou, what else do you think?"

"That you're a red-headed twat with a weird Bankai."

"Okay, prepare to die-"

"Renji!" exclaimed Rukia, grabbing his arm. "He can't help it!"

Hanatarou was throwing himself on the ground. "_I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry_," he was saying.

"Actually, this is quite interesting," noted Byakuya. "So far he has managed to accurately summarise both Kurosaki and my Lieutenant."

"Captain!" protested Renji.

"That's not true," Ichigo snarled. "HICHIGO, JUST LISTEN TO ZANGETSU!"

"What else do you think?" asked Captain Kutchiki.

Hanatarou looked at Byakuya, stuffed a fist in his mouth and tried very hard to think positive things about the Captain. Despite all that he then said, "that you're a power-hungry, sister-executing maniac who has a desperate need to look cool instead of doing any actual work, like SAVING said sister...oh, and that Sakura thing? IT MAKES YOU LOOK EFFEMINATE! DON'T KID YOURSLEF THAT IT'S COOL!"

Everyone froze and stared.

"Not only that, that thing you always have in your hair? It's freaking stupid!"

"AMEN TO THAT!" yelled Byakuya's hair.

"See? Even the hair agrees with me-" Hanatarou was stopped there by the small fact that he had just run, full speed, into a wall, hoping to knock himself out so he would be unconscious when Byakuya killed him. But that was an overestimation of his physical capabilities and he was only dazed enough to stop talking for a little while.

During that time there was a very awkward silence, which Rukia broke when she said, in a hurt voice, like Hanatarou had personally offended her, "_I _don't think you look effeminate."

Byakuya said nothing.

#

Makizou went to Division Eight, muttering darkly to himself. Which, considering that he was an Oompa Loompa at the time, wasn't as threatening as he had hoped. Makizou kept getting funny looks and a lot of double takes. He had even heard one child say, "is that a goblin?"

He arrived at Division Eight and thrust the medicine into the hands of the first person he saw. "For Captain Kyoraku," he grunted before stomping off.

Lieutenant Nanao watched after the little man in surprise. "Why is there a grumpy Oompa Loompa walking away from me?" she mumbled a little dazedly. She moved her dazed gaze to the bottle and very quickly became very angry.

From kilometres away people heard Nanao yell, "KYORAKU ! DO YOU MIND TELLNG ME JUST _WHY _YOU ORDERED **VIAGRA**!"

#

Hanatarou blinked, looked up. He saw Byakuya. He threw his hands over his face and screamed, "_please don't kill me_."

"He's not going to kill you," Rukia told him irritably. "After all, it's not your fault what you say."

He threw himself at her feet and looked up at her with large, adoring eyes. "You are an angel in a Soul Reaper body."

"Oh, for the love of..." muttered Renji. "Hey, Hanatarou, what do you think of _Rukia_?"

"That she's an angel in a Soul Reaper body."

"...That's it?" asked Renji, disappointed. "You're such a fan boy."

"No, I'm not saying that!" exclaimed Ichigo, looking at no-one in particular. "No! I...Zangetsu, will you...FINE!"

"...Mind telling us what that was about?" inquired Renji.

"Before I say this I want to tell everyone that these are Hichigo's thoughts and completely separated from my own." He took a deep breath, shut his eyes and spat out, "he wants me to say that she is an angel in one hot she-devil body and that he would happily be her fan boy any day DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT BYAKUYA I'M JUST DOING WHAT THE VOICES SAY!"

Rukia blushed. To put off answering to what Ichigo had just said she looked at Hanatarou and said, "thankyou, Hanatarou."

_**What about me?**_

"YOU GET STUFFED!"

_**What do you mean, get stuffed! I want to be thanked too**_!

"No, I am not asking-"

Don't_** make me start playing certain fantasies of mine involving spatulas**_.

"Zangetsu, can you not control him?"

**I'm afraid not. He will not heed me.**

_**That's because you're boring. I'm young and-**_

"HORNY, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!" He noticed the others giving him very odd looks. He tapped his head and hissed, "the voices won't be quiet!"

Byakuya looked a little sad. "I'm not sure who to threaten...A moment ago it was..."

"Hanatarou," supplied Hanatarou.

"..._Him_, then it was Kurosaki, but now I think it would be more painful to let him live."

"Hichigo wants to be thanked too. THERE, YOU DEMANDING BRAT, I SAID IT!"

_**Oh, stop complaining...You know you have those thoughts too**_.

"I do not!"

_**Liar**_.

"I thanked Hanatarou because he gave me a totally honest opinion which was sincere and heart-felt and touching," explained Rukia.

_**I like to be touching.**_

**No-one asked you.**

_**No-one asked you either, Mister Cool-And-Mysterious.**_

"I didn't thank Hichigo because he's a pervert who keeps making my friend say odd things at inappropriate moments."

"THANKYOU!" yelled Ichigo. He pointed at Hanatarou, who his behind Rukia. "Now judge the damn art competition so we can get the heck out of here!"

"Um...I really don't..."

"What do you think of the paintings?" asked Byakuya straight-forwardly. This prompted the truth pill and Hanatarou's increasingly suicidal expression as he blurted out everything he thought and felt.

"Well, Lieutenant Renji's looks like a bunch of random squiggles which I wouldn't have even known was paint had you not actually told me."

"It's not that bad-" began Renji.

"It is. And I'm the one who took the truth pill. Ichigo's looks more like a tap dancing monkey than it does a Zanpakto. I'm kind of considering saying his is the best just because to make a ZANPAKTO look more like a TAP DANCING MONKEY is one hell of a feat, and because of the fact that he is now giving me the biggest evil glare and I don't want to risk certain death any more than I already am by making him lose."

"Hichigo wants to hurt you so much right now," Ichigo told him in a tone which made it clear the feeling was mutual.

"I don't want to say anything bad about Rukia's because I admire her like the pathetic fan boy I am, but I have GOT to say that, out of all of them, it probably SUCKS the most because she FAILED THE MOST at painting what she meant to paint out of everyone here. Even so, I still think she is an angel and will never mention her lack of artistic ability again unless I am forced to."

Rukia was looking confused. "I'm really not sure whether to be complimented or offended by that."

"Just threaten him until he cries," advised Byakuya.

"And as for Byakuya's..." Hanatarou began, being forcibly restrained by Renji and Ichigo as he kept trying to beat himself up. They all listened closely for what he would say about the Captain's artwork. "...It's a freaking _dot_. There's not a lot to say about it. It a little black dot on white paper, and I'm going to say it's the best out of all of them just because I'm not forced to bitch about it some more by this DAMN TRUTH PILL!"

Everyone looked at Hanatarou. They looked at the dot. They looked at Byakuya.

"You heard him," Byakuya told them with an edge of smugness. "Mine wins."

_**Wow, you suck, Ichigo**_.

"QUIET, HICHIGO, YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE BETTER!"

**...I'm forced to say that he probably could**, admitted Zangetsu sadly.

"Thanks, Zangetsu, you're a real pal."

Rukia looked at Byakuya admiringly. "I knew you'd win, big brother!"

"I _do _have a certain artistic flair."

Renji sighed, let go of Hanatarou. "Well, we now know. Can we just go home now?"

Rukia looked at them in surprise. "I don't know...Are you sure Ichigo and my brother have bonded enough-"

"YES!" Renji, Ichigo, Byakuya and even Byakuya's hair yelled.

Rukia stood back a little. "Um...Okay...I guess it's home time, then."

"Excuse me?" asked a Soul Reaper woman from behind them. "I'm the manager of this museum."

_**Now we're in trouble**_, murmured Hichigo. _**Though I do like a woman in a uniform...Do you think she carries handcuffs?**_

"I think you're an idiot," muttered Ichigo. The manger looked offended. "Not you!" he amended.

She gave him a suspicious look before continuing. "I've been told all that's happened...Am I correct in assuming that this is the painting which is going to replace the destroyed one?" She gestured to Byakuya's dot.

"Yes," Byakuya nodded proudly.

"Then I'm going to have to fine you for defamation of the museum and vandalising a piece of paper."

"...Pardon?" asked Byakuya.

"It's a dot on a piece of paper, Captain Kutchiki. It's true that the original painting wasn't that good, but this...It's a _dot_, and the museum is going to need some compensation."

Hanatarou, who had been released by Ichigo and Renji, held his had to his ear. "Hear that?"

"...Are you hearing voices too?" asked Ichigo.

Hanatarou shook his head blissfully. "It's the blissful sound of _sanity_."

The manager handed Byakuya a piece of paper before saying, "I hope you all had a pleasant experience at the Seireitei art museum. Now get out."

They left.


	6. The Beauty Competition from Hell

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or any of it's associated fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day Two**

"Medicine for Captain Ukitake," snarled Makizou as he delivered the last of the medicine. The female third-seater stared at him.

"Are you...A leprechaun?"

"No."

"...A sunburned dwarf?"

"_No_."

"Pixie?"

"NO! I'M A FREAKING OOMPA LOOMPA!" Makizou's pride took a serious hit as he admitted it.

The third seater laughed. "Don't be silly...Oompa Loompa don't exist."

As the door closed, Makizou felt like kicking it.

#

Outside a Hell Butterfly alerted Byakuya to something.

"There is a Captain's meeting tonight," he told them.

"Yeah?" Renji said. He was carrying the long-forgotten paperwork, which had only been remembered because it was the only reason Hanatarou had arrived there and he now had a personal grudge against it, which made it difficult to forget. "In that case we'll take this back to the Division Six barracks."

"Goodbye, brother," called Rukia as she, Ichigo and Renji walked off into the evening in the direction of the barracks, "Congratulations again about the art contest!"

That left Hanatarou and Byakuya together.

"Do you really admire my sister as much as you said?" asked Byakuya.

"Yes, I do," instantly answered Hanatarou, prompted by the truth pill.

Byakuya looked at him for a long moment before reluctantly saying, "in that case, I suppose I will have to let you live." With that and without even so much as a goodbye, Captain Kutchiki walked off. Hanatarou breathed a big sigh of relief.

#

"Isane, would you make sure that, when he comes back, he knows to..." began Captain Unohana as she walked out of the barracks, Lieutenant Isane trailing behind her, just as Makizou strode in. She passed him. Paused, stopped what she was saying. Looked at him closely. Her face then took on a very blank countenance, as if she were trying very hard to keep it that way. "Is...that...you?" She asked carefully.

Makizou sighed. "Yes, it is Makizou."

"...Makizou...do you realise that..."

"I'm a meter tall and orange with green hair? Yeah, I figured."

"...How?"

"Captain," interrupted Isane urgently. "The Hell butterfly said-"

"Yes, you're completely right," Unohana said as she turned to Isane, letting a tiny smile flicker over her lips before assuming a serene expression. "Would you take care of Makizou here while I go to the Captain's meeting?"

Isane inclined her head in consent. "Yes, Captain Unohana."

"Thankyou, Isane. Goodbye Makizou," fare-welled Unohana before walking off.

When Unohana was out of ear shot Isane turned and laughed at Makizou. "You're an Oompa Loompa!" she giggled.

"I know," he grunted between gritted teeth.

"Aw, is the Oompa Loompa grumpy?" she said sympathetically. "Too bad! Go to the third floor, there's a job for you in room twelve."

Makizou grumbled as he walked off.

Hanatarou was relieved for maybe half a second before a hand grabbed him by the front of his robes as a large, muscly figure ran by. Zaraki whipped the wailing Hanatarou onto his back.

"Shut it, Pansy. I've got a Captain's meeting to get to and you're going to be there when I get out. YOU'RE OT GOING TO SQUIRM OUT OF WORK THIS EASILY!"

"I know," wailed Hanatarou.

"Aw," frowned Yachiru. "Is Droopy grumpy?"

"Incredibly," Hanatarou said truthfully. Yachiru frowned even more.

"Droopy shouldn't be grumpy!" she said before smiling. "I know what will make Droopy happy!" A few moments later Hanatarou sported another smiley face drawing on his face. "There!" Yachiru stated proudly. "Does Droopy like it?"

Hanatarou opened his mouth, a long suffering look coming across his face. Then he shut it, looking thoughtful. "I haven't seen it yet...But considering what other artworks I've seen today, it's probably a masterpiece."

Yachiru smiled. "Droopy's happy again!"

It wasn't a question so he wasn't forced to truthfully deny it.

"...You've got to be ****ing me," swore Makizou before being whacked over the head by the Lieutenant.

"Don't swear!" she ordered. "Now get on with it. After you've finished giving Omeada his sponge bath remember to empty the bedpans. After you've finished, report to me."

Lieutenant Isane left, leaving Makizou to his job.

Lieutenant Omeada from Second Division looked at him and smiled a great, blubbery smile. "Get on with it, boy. My armpits are starting to stick together."

#

When Zaraki arrived he threw Hanatarou on the ground. "Now you wait here, Pansy, until the meeting is over so I can put you back to work. If you aren't here when I come out I will hunt you down, perform painful tortures upon you, make you fight me, maim you and then make you work. Understand?"

"Perfectly," Hanatarou said miserably. Zaraki gave him a snarly glare before vanishing into the Captain's meeting.

A moment later he came back out again. "Yachiru, you've got to wait out here."

"No, don't want to!" she protested, grabbing Zaraki's hair as he tried to take her off him. "WANT TO STAY WITH KENNY!"

"Yachiru, you've got to -ow, that hurt! Watch the bells!" He decided to use his last resort. "I'll give you a lollipop if you get off."

The pin-haired Lieutenant cheered as she slipped off. "When? Now?"

"Tomorrow. You know you'll never get to sleep if you have one now."

"Okay, Kenny!" she smiled, waving as he entered the Captain's meeting. She saw Hanatarou's amazed eyes following the Captain of Division Eleven. "What is it, Droopy?"

"I just never thought I would see Captain Zaraki showing something other than a need to hurt someone," admitted Hanatarou, cursing the truth pill as he did so.

Fortunately this just made Yachiru laugh. "Oh, Kenny really very nice! He's the nicest Captain that's ever, ever been!"

Hanatarou stayed silent. Suddenly he felt a heavy stare on him. He turned and saw Lieutenant Matsumoto staring at him with an odd combination of wariness, hatred and ...was that _pity_?

"_You_," she said through gritted teeth.

"Lieutenant Matsumoto," he greeted politely, bowing.

She stared at him for a moment before sighing, all the hatred and wariness seeping out of her expression. "I wish you would stop being so polite. It makes it harder to be angry at you."

"...That's kind of the point, Lieutenant," he told her. "But...If I may be so bold as to ask...I mean, you don't have to answer or anything-"

"For gods' sake, just say it!"

"Why do you want to be angry at me?" asked a truth-pill-fuelled Hanatarou.

"Possibly because you made my Captain into A FREAKINGS LUNATIC."

"W-what? How did I...?"

"Remember that boulder?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

"And how it destroyed Hitsugaya's paperwork?"

"Yes."

"That paperwork was his baby. You destroyed his baby. Ergo, he is now pointing all that rage and insanity right at you."

"B-but...Doesn't it make sense to be insane at Captain Zaraki?"

"I said he was insane, not suicidal." Her face took on a thoughtful countenance. "Though, I'm beginning to wonder whether he would actually be a match for Zaraki or not...In his state I'm just not sure any more."

"So...you're saying I should stay out of his way?"

She looked at him directly with haunted eyes. "Stay out of his way? Yeah, if you want to underestimate it. Go to a point the furthest away from Captain Hitsugaya and stay there for the rest of your life, that's what I would suggest."

"...I really wish I could," said a sad Hanatarou.

Yachiru, who had been jumping around, decided she was bored. "Drooooooooopy, I'm bored...Oh, hi Big-Boobies."

"Hello Yachiru," greeted Matsumoto with a weary smile as Hanatarou blushed at the nickname in Matsumoto's unbothered stead.

"Will you play with me?"

"I'm afraid I'm still tired from following Hitsugaya everywhere he went and running around, telling every person who he looked at to stay the heck away from him, a result of which is that now half the Soul Reapers in the Seireitei are terrified of him. But maybe..." She waved a tired hand at Hanatarou.

Yachiru looked at him, considered him for a moment before grinning. "Droopy, will you be my pony?"

#

Makizou would never talk about, think about or otherwise relive the experiences he'd had in sponge bathing Omeada in any way, shape or form. Cleaning that blubbery, overweight figure was just...Too...Much...

And the bedpan? It defied sanity.

Makizou made a decision. "Can't stay here," he muttered to himself. "Can't fight anyone...Lieutenant won't let me...Can't stand doing this...Must go..."

He was going to escape.

#

Not everyone was at the Captain's meeting as of yet and it could not start until all Captains had arrived. The present Captains were, at that moment, waiting on Soifon of the Stealth force and Mayuri of Division Twelve.

There was a certain odd feeling amongst the Captains. Normally at this time, the amiable period just before Captain meetings began, the Captains would mingle and talk. It was almost as if they wanted to belie the seriousness of the Meeting with light-hearted friendliness before hand in order to balance it out. Of course, they all had different ways of being friendly. Zaraki wouldn't normally threaten anyone. The then-missing Soifon would soften her expression slightly and look a little less as if she would rip your head off rather than look at you. Mayuri would try not to screech...And fail, but it was the though that counted. Everyone would loosen up slightly, smiling, if they smiled, and not looking so serious if they didn't. Even Yamamoto would be involved in this, although he didn't usually say much, his talents lying more in the field of attacking anything which he didn't like the look of rather than small talk.

But this?

This was different.

There was a curious half-silence covered everything like a blanket. If anyone had to talk it was done in hushed whispers. All the little gestures which showed the Captains good will towards each other weren't present.

Another odd thing was the placements of the Captains. While they were normally scattered around the room, drifting around like very powerful bubbles in the air, now they were huddled together in little groups.

Except Hitsugaya.

Hitsugaya was all alone. Despite this, no-one felt inclined to approach him. In fact, everyone, even Yamamoto, had a very slight desire, which they would never admit to, to get the heck out of there. Because the unstated fact of the thing was that this inharmonious discord was caused by the child-prodigy Captain. There was something about him which caused everyone to be quiet...

Well, not everyone.

"You know what's missing here?" asked an oblivious Kyoraku.

Ukitake looked at him for the first time that meeting and did a double-take. "Uh...Kyoraku? Mind telling me where that hand-shaped imprint on your cheek came from?"

"Um...Well...My little Nanao's growing up," Kyoraku branched on with a misty-eyed expression.

Ukitake wasn't impressed. "You're trying to change to subject, aren't you?"

"I can honestly say that no, I'm not."

"...Approaching the subject in a way which means we'll never actually get to talk about it is the same as avoiding it." Ukitake, who was long used to Kyoraku, told him.

"Then yes, yes I am."

The white-haired Captain frowned. "Hm...So Nanao slapped you again?"

"What do you mean 'again'?"

"You don't remember?...Actually, that makes sense. I think you tried to down the entire Sake content of the Seireitei that time. You were a little out of it."

"What did I do to make my little Nanao want to slap me?" asked Kyoraku with large, hurt eyes. He then amended this. "Before today, I mean."

Ukitake whispered it into his ear.

Kyoraku sat back, surprise. "...Man...I must have been hammered. I'm surprised she didn't try to kill me."

"She did. Four Captains had to restrain her. And one of them was Zaraki. He was considering saying what you had but Yachiru decided she wanted an ice cream and dragged him away."

"That makes sense. About Nanao, I mean. Not about the ice cream."

"But what did you do this time?"

Kyoraku looked at Ukitake, who had an expectant expression on his face. He then commenced to completely avoid the subject with about as much subtlety as a pick up truck. "Say, there aren't as many beautiful women in here as there should be. Where is Soifon?"

"… That bad?"

"Oh yeah."

"Captain Kyoraku," Hitsugaya began from the other side of the room, smiling. Kyoraku and Ukitake went silent. "You really should stop being so promiscuous."

For a moment Kyoraku thought about arguing the point, as he would have done in any other circumstance. But only for a short one. Because, the expression on Hitsugaya's face and the way one of his eyes would occasionally twitch? That was making him want to curl up and hide in his hat. "Thankyou for the advice."

"After all, celibacy really is an honourable thing."

Everyone in the room was now following the conversation. Hitsugaya's light, friendly tone wasn't making it any nicer. In fact, it kind of had the opposite effect.

"I'm sure it is," Kyoraku smiled a smile which was completely, one hundred per cent manufactured.

"Virginity and abstinence are really very good qualities."

"Completely true," Kyoraku stated, his smile becoming more false.

"Abstinence makes you strong and pure."

Kyoraku's smile was now so fake that, if put into a competition with Chinese-made French fries with how fake they both were, the smile would win. "They do? Thanks for telling me."

Hitsugaya smiled and it made Kyoraku want to cry. "Don't thank me. It is an honour to advise another Captain." He looked away, making Kyoraku feel a lot more relieved than he felt he should have been.

Everyone sort of looked away, _really _wishing they could have a Captain's meeting without Hitsugaya.

Because, at that moment, he kind of out-creeped Mayuri.

And that was difficult to do.

Mayuri still hadn't shown up...

#

"And where do you think you're going?" screeched a voice as Makizou tried to creep out of the Division Four barracks. Makizou jumped.

"Who-" began Makizou as he turned around. Then he saw Mayuri. "Crap."

"Ah...It's true. There really is an Oompa Loompa in the Seireitei."

"Ho-ly-crap."

"I wonder if any of your organs have changed places due to the pill, which I presume was one of the experimental pills which went missing. It makes me wonder where the others have gotten to."

"_Crap_."

"Come, Oompa Loompa man! To my laboratory!"

"_CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP_!"

#

"Didn't you only have a Captain's meeting last week?" the three of them heard Yoruichi ask someone. "Why are you having one now?"

"I'm not sure," replied another female voice which, as the two came into view, was revealed to be Soifon's. "Lady Yoruichi...May I ask something?"

"Go for it."

"Why must you leave so soon?" asked the Stealth force leader with a petulant edge. "You only arrived yesterday."

"Oh, I'll be back soon. But Urahara sent me a Hell butterfly saying that he wanted to talk to me about something right away. If it's anything important, I'll contact you."

"Yes, Lady Yoruichi," Soifon nodded, looking marginally happier. The two looked ahead and stopped in their tracks. For a moment no-one knew what to say.

Eventually Yoruichi said, "I'm not quite sure what exactly to say to that."

"He's a pony!" exclaimed the exuberant Lieutenant of Division Eleven. She was sitting on Hanatarou's shoulders and had managed to improvise a kind of system of straps which vaguely resembled something which would be put around a horse's head. There was even a part which went into Hanatarou's mouth.

"How did you manage to make that?" asked Yoruichi in complete confusion.

"Actually, I'm still trying to figure that out," admitted a stunned Matsumoto. "I watched her do it and even I'm confused."

"Lady Yoruichi," began Soifon, reluctantly gesturing towards the door behind which the Captain's meeting was to be held.

"Go on in, Soifon. I'll catch up with you either alter tonight or tomorrow."

"Yes, Lady Yoruichi," nodded the stealth force leader before going through the doors.

Yoruichi looked at Hanatarou. "And you consented to this?"

Hanatarou nodded slightly.

"He's my pony!" exclaimed Yachiru again, but this time with an edge which implied that he was _her _pony dammit, and anyone who wanted to change that would have to fight her _tooth and nail _for it.

Yoruichi didn't see Hanatarou visibly complaining so she simply nodded, said a quick goodbye and vanished into the night. In all honesty, Hanatarou was actually quite happy about this development. The strap in his mouth meant he couldn't speak, and _that _meant that he was unlikely to die any time soon from telling the truth to someone who didn't particularly want to hear it. True, he had a slight difficulty with breathing, but it was better than having a slight difficulty with living, so he wasn't complaining.

#

Mayuri locked up the protesting Oompa Loompa in a cage, ignoring its screams, which sounded vaguely like, "I'M NOT AN OOMPA LOOMPA YOU INSANE MANIAC, I'M A FREAKING SOUL REAPER!" He strode towards the place where the captain's meeting was to be held, imagining all the experiments he would perform on the Oompa Loompa the next day.

Many of them involved organs.

#

"Big Boobies?" asked Yachiru as a sudden thought crossed her face. You knew when Yachiru had thoughts because she took on a confused and fascinated expression, as if discovering something new and exciting.

"Yes, Yachiru?"

"Do big boobies make you beautiful?"

"...Not all the time," Matsumoto explained awkwardly, really not wanting to go into the facts of life with the child in front of her. "It's the inside which counts."

Yachiru blinked. "So if your organs are pretty, then you are too?"

"Not...Exactly."

"Ooooooooooooh, I get it...Inside you are booby-material, so your boobies are bigger than your head, so you are beautiful."

Matsumoto was confused about this twisted, strangled, beaten to a pulp, eaten, vomited out again and turned-into-completely-new-and-interesting-shapes logic and so decided to block it all out and just here the compliment. "Why, thankyou," she purred.

"But Kenny says I'm the prettiest girl in the whole world, so take that!"

Matsumoto looked at her in complete surprise. "_Captain Zaraki _said that?" Then she saw Yachiru sticking her tongue out at her. "Yachiru, that's very childish."

"You just don't want to admit I'm prettier than you are."

"I'm not participating in a beauty contest with a child."

"Is that because your big boobies aren't real big boobies?"

"I -WHAT?"

"Because that would mean, since all your beauty is in your big boobies, that it's fake beauty, which would mean I'm more beautiful than you are. So you don't want to enter a beauty contest with me because you think you'll lose."

Normally Matsumoto liked Yachiru, and there would be no way she would encourage her behaviour by actually competing in the beauty contest, but she was tired. She had spent all day being terrified of her Captain. And she had just had her pride and joys, who she had secretly names Tom and Jerry, insulted. The result of all this was that she took one look at the smug little girl riding the human pony and said, "oh, it is _on_."

"Yay!" cheered Yachiru. "But we need a judge." Hanatarou tried to pretend he was Yachiru's actual pony, which he presumed was still passed out in the corner. It didn't work. "Droopy will be our judge!"

"I don't have a problem with that," purred Matsumoto as she threw her long, soft, bouncy, gently waving red hair over her shoulder, making sure to jostle her over-large bosoms in just the correct manner.

"God, so it's decided," Yachiru stated cheerfully as she jumped off the Hanatarou-pony and stood looking cute for a moment, her eyes seeming to become larger and her hair cuter as she stood and giggled.

"Oh, stop it," the older woman said, batting her eyelashes. "My mature feminine charm will ensnare the eyes of everyone around me more than your tiny cuteness could ever so."

Yachiru giggled. "Don't be silly, big boobies," she told her as she smiled so sweetly Hanatarou swore he could feel his teeth decaying. "Your fake beauty is no match for my adorable woobieness and overall superiority."

Matsumoto turned around and posed like a supermodel, throwing over her shoulder, "my beauty is one-hundred per cent real. What about you...I don't think that flush on your cheeks is natural at all...You must go through a lot of blush."

Yachiru sat down with her legs folded under her and gave Hanatarou the piece sign as she said, "I don't use any icky make-up, unlike you, Big Boobies."

"But what we think doesn't really matter...It's what..." Matsumoto tried to remember if she'd ever been told Hanatarou's name...If she had, she'd forgotten it. "_He _thinks that matters."

"Big Boobies is right. Go on, Droopy, which of us is prettier?"

For a moment Hanatarou stared at them with large, scared eyes before saying. "Mmmmph mmmph mph mph mmmmmmmmmmmmmmph mhp mph." He continued like that for a while, eyes losing their fear. He still had the harness on, the strap of which still stopped him speaking.

"Oh, that was silly. I forgot to take the pony-harness off," Yachiru admitted in the cutest way possible. She positively sprang to the harness and wrenched it off.

Before either females could say anything Hanatarou said, "please don't ask me again. I am begging you. I will do anything, just please don't ask me!"

"Nothing you can say-" began Matsumoto demurely.

"I will do your paperwork for the rest of my life."

Matsumoto blinked at this. "I'm facing an extremely difficult decision right now. Slacking off for the rest of my life and not getting told off for it...Or being acknowledged as more beautiful than someone...Freedom or vanity..."

"Freedom is always a good choice," advised Hanatarou wisely.

"...Vanity or freedom..."

"Freedom you can do something with...Or _not _do something with, in your case...Vanity, what's that?" babbled Hanatarou frantically.

"...I've got to say, I'm leaning towards vanity. Sorry..._You_."

He turned his pleading eyes to Yachiru. She smiled and said, "I want to be told I'm prettier than her!" and he knew it was no use arguing with her.

"So, tell us," both females said as one. "Which of use is prettier?"

"Well," began Hanatarou, suddenly feeling extraordinarily suicidal extraordinarily quickly. "Lieutenant Matsumoto, I've got to admit, has a more womanly sort of beauty than Lieutenant Yachiru. Hell, with those boobs, you're probably more womanly than every single woman in this universe put together in a giant woman-blending machine which somehow compressed all women into one superwoman. Come to think of it, you probably could be that superwoman. Come to think of it, _one of you boobs _could be that superwoman. All by itself.

"Then again, Lieutenant Yachiru's cuteness is almost overwhelming. Just looking at her makes you want to go to the dentist, she's that sweet. When she's not with Zaraki, that is...Because then it's just creepy. And not when she's annoying someone, because her cuteness takes on a demonic shine which makes you want to run the other way and hug her at the same time. Lieutenant Yachiru is so cute that if you made millions of stuffed toys of her every little girl would buy one...Heck, everyone would buy one. The little Lieutenant-Yachiru-toys would be so cute and sweet that diabetic people would have nightmares about it...People would randomly stop to hug their Yachiru-toy...Before all the toys came to life and made the world into candy or something, because that's just what Lieutenant Yachiru would do.

"Then again..._again_, one look from those smouldering silver eyes of Lieutenant Matsumoto's would probably be enough to make any man melt on the spot...Or any woman too, if they're that was inclined...Or even if they're _not _that way inclined. I would be surprised if there's one man in this city who has looked at Lieutenant Matsumoto and not immediately used her image in their secret desires...Except me, but only because I'm too scared to because I find Lieutenant Matsumoto's boobs physically threatening. Heck, have you looked at those things? They'd crush me!

"And, since I'm probably going to die at the end of this," Hanatarou wailed, struggling to get away from where Matsumoto had been forced to tie him up after he tried to off himself by jumping off the very high balcony they were on. "I may as well admit that, while I can't say that either of you are more attractive than the other, if I was choosing someone to pose as a porn star for my private dreams and I weren't so afraid of being crushed by her giant basoombas, I would definitely choose Lieutenant Matsumoto, but if I were choosing someone to sit on a shelf and cheer me up by her sheer cuteness I would have to choose Lieutenant Yachiru, but I would make sure she couldn't move or talk first so I could be assured that I wouldn't come home and find all my belongings sold off for a pony farm."

"So that's where the truth pill got to," screeched a familiar voice. Captain Mayuri had apparently been standing behind them the whole time. He pushed through them nonchalantly and as he slipped through the doors which would lead to the Captain's meeting he muttered, "now where are the other two, I wonder?"

#

"You can't be serious," spluttered Yoruichi in disbelief as a hurt Urahara blinked at her from behind his fan, the hair on her cat form spiking up in disbelieving anger.

"I don't see what you mean," he replied.

"You sent me a _Hell butterfly_, making me think that this was some kind of _life-threatening emergency _and it ends up that you're just chucking a hissy because you weren't invited to some stupid drinking party which I was only decided to go to at a _spur-of-the-moment decision_! That's what I mean!"

"...It's very important to stay in contact with friends," grinned Urahara nervously.

Yoruichi rapidly turned into a human. Ignoring her nakedness she almost hissed, as if she were still a cat, "_I'll give you contact_."

#

"Now let us commence the Captain's meeting," Yamamoto began seriously as all the Captains lined up. He felt a flicker of relief that nothing awful had happened, despite the odd occurrences which he had already noted. Everyone was avoiding Hitsugaya like he was a babbling crazy man on the street, and to be honest, that would have been preferable to his current state. It wasn't that he was outwardly insane. It was just...There was something about how he was that set off some deep, in-built memory which had lain dormant in their very genes from the time when they were all apes in the trees. Something just screamed **SNAKE LION TIGER BEAR DEADLY DEADLY DEADLY **! All at once, as if Hitsugaya was all of the aforementioned creatures somehow condensed into one super-predator, and they were all prey.

And the chilly bite in the air wasn't helping either. It was only a slight coolness, the kind no-one could be sure was actually there. But it was creepy as hell.

Not only that, there was something odd about Captain Kutchiki's hair. For one, it was odd to see him without the Kenseiken. For another, it was even odder when someone's _hair _would join in the conversation at random.

And Captain Zaraki...The way he would randomly ask people if their offices had draws? That was odd too.

But Yamamoto would ignore these facts and get on with the meeting. After all, the sooner it was over with the sooner they could all get the hell out of there.

"I have called you here for several reasons. The first being an update on the Division Exchange Program."

"Wait, wasn't that only begun yesterday?" asked a confused Ukitake. "May I ask why we need an update so soon?"

"The frictions between the two Divisions need constant monitoring," explained Yamamoto.

"...I can't say that answered my question."

"If they're going to start killing each other we need to know in advance," Soifon said helpfully. Ukitake blinked at this.

"That makes sense," he nodded. "But why do you know this?"

"It's my job to know everything." She looked deep down into his eyes and suddenly Ukitake felt like Soifon knew what he had done last summer, and the summer before that, and every single summer of his life, and would happily use that information to get what she wanted. "And I mean _everything_."

She stared at him for a moment before he said, "...Uh, Captain Soifon? I must admit that you're kind of scaring me."

"That's my job too."

"You're very good at it."

"I like to think so."

"May we return to the matter at hand?" asked Yamamoto. Without waiting for an answer he said, "Captain Soifon must know everything which happens in the Division Exchange Program because it will be the task of the Stealth Force to step in if anything happens. Captains Zaraki and Unohana?"

"Yes, Captain?" asked Unohana.

Zaraki seemed to be in his own world.

"Captain Zaraki?"

"DRAWS!" He yelled, making everyone jump. He blinked, looked around. "Oh...Yes, Captain?"

Yamamoto ignored the outburst and asked, "I request that you two report the happenings between the two participants of the Division Exchange Program. Captain Unohana?"

"Makizou was a struggle at first," Unohana began, smiling.

"Shall I eliminate him?" asked Soifon.

"No, Captain...Soi...Fon...Captain Soifon?" Unohana looked up. "May I ask why you are on the ceiling?"

"...Captain Zaraki startled me," she admitted, dropping down onto the ground.

"Captain Soifon must have obtained cat-like abilities from the fact that she is a fan-girl of a cat woman," mused a voice, or some voices.

Soifon looked around sharply. "Who said that?"

Everyone looked at Byakuya. He pointed to his hair. A tendril whipped up and waved at Soifon. "It never stops," Byakuya said with haunted eyes. He turned to Mayuri. "Captain Kurotsuchi , in the future could you take more care with your experimental pills?"

"So that's three..." mused Mayuri to himself.

"Makizou has been fitting in with the rest of the Division very well," Captain Unohana said hurriedly, trying to get the conversation back to the original subject.

"...He what?" asked Kyoraku in disbelief.

"At first he was a drunken lout, but he has very quickly become more polite and even helpful."

Everyone stared a her in disbelief. "You remember, this is a Division Eleven member we're talking about?" asked Kyoraku.

"Yes, Captain Kyoraku, I remember."

"Whoa...Miracles do happen," the promiscuous Captain murmured.

"Good behaviour is no miracle," Hitsugaya piped up, immediately stopping all conversation.

"...Captain Zaraki?" Yamamoto urged.

"What...You want me to talk about the pansy?" Captain Zaraki asked. He shrugged. "He's gutless, a wimp, a total push over but he's okay."

Everyone gaped at Zaraki. "...'okay'?" quoted Yamamoto, trying to remember when he had last heard Zaraki say anything remotely nice about anyone besides his Lieutenant.

"Yeah. He did a couple of chores."

"I presume you're referring to the lack of insects hovering over your barracks?" asked Yamamoto.

"He cleaned up a little."

"But..." Ukitake thought aloud. "I remember last week when I walked through there it was filthy. No way one person could clean that up in a lifetime, let alone in a day."

"Well, he did."

Mayuri looked a Unohana suspiciously. "Captain Unohana, have you succeeded in creating a super Soul Reaper? Because I've been trying to-"

"No, not at all," Unohana denied calmly. "Perhaps he;s just an extraordinarily hard worker."

"After cleaning up the barracks he did all the laundry."

"...Maybe he _is _a super Soul Reaper," thought Unohana.

"And then organized all my paperwork. Though he still hasn't finished it."

"...Not even I have anything to say to that," admitted Unohana a little sadly.

"Is it even physically possible for one person to do all that in one day?" asked an astonished Ukitake.

"Well, he did it," Zaraki said.

Soifon was thinking. "I don't suppose you could hire him out to the Stealth Force? There are some very tough bloodstains..."

"If anyone is going to borrow him it's me," Kyoraku butted in. "If I can get him to do my paperwork...Then I can slack off even more!"

"I have more right to him than any of you!" exclaimed Mayuri, his voice grating on their ears. "He took my truth pill and therefore I can have him. There are some laboratories I've had to lock away...I think new life forms have developed from them. He can clean them up for me!"

"You lot are forgetting that he's mine for the week," grinned Zaraki.

"And you all are forgetting that he is a member of Division Four," Unohana smiled. Everyone shut up because there was something in that smile which was a bit like the aura which surrounded Hitsugaya, except less insane and more threatening. "After this week he will be coming back to Division Four. Until the he will remain in Division Eleven. If he decided to help one of you out then that will be completely his decision."

"Of course, Captain Unohana."

"Yes, Captain."

"My laboratories will survive without him...Literally. Even though they aren't supposed to."

Unohana smiled some more and said, "good."

#

Hanatarou was expecting his death as Matsumoto let him go. But, a moment later, when she seized him, it wasn't in anger. There were delighted sparkles in her eyes as she hugged him to her chest. Hanatarou blushed madly. "Oh, you sweet thing!" she simpered. "You really think I'm that beautiful? Of course, I always knew it, but it's always nice to hear another person acknowledging your charms.

"Can't...Breathe," gasped Hanatarou between breasts -breaths. Yachiru jumped on his back and dragged him backwards. He gulped in air and shut his eyes, waiting for the oncoming violence...which never came.

"Droopy told me I'm cute," Yachiru cheered as he hugged his head. "Yay, Droopy!"

As both females smugly began to say how nice and, above all, truthful he was, Hanatarou thought, with a dazed amazement which results from avoiding certain death, that he had somehow managed to insinuate, even through the truth pill, that both females were inescapably gorgeous and now _both _thought they had won. They were even complimenting each other with false modesty, each speaking to the other as if they had lost and the complements were compensation.

Hanatarou desperately tried to figure out a reason for the strange phenomenon. He tired passing it off as 'women', but the image of Nemu came into his head. He couldn't imagine her doing that. He then tried to pass it off as Lieutenant, but then remembered that Nemu was one of them too. He eventually summed it up with one sentence.

"This whole situation is completely insane."

What made him all the more depressed was that he was still under the influence of the truth pill.

One moment Yachiru was smiling, the next...well, she was still smiling...But in a more curious way. "I just sat on something in my pocket..." She took out the two vials Hanatarou had seen before. "I remember these! Do you, Droopy?"

"Yes, I remember them," Hanatarou nodded nervously.

"I want to give them to someone...Will you take one, Big Boobies?"

Matsumoto looked at the vials and stepped back. "I think I'll pass."

"Smart," noted Hanatarou.

"Thankyou."

The doors to the Captain's meeting opened. A cunningly cute look came across Yachiru's face. The first people who came out was Soifon and Hitsugaya. Yachiru, faster than anyone could see, appeared on Soifon's shoulder, holding the vial to the Stealth Force leader's lips. Soifon swallowed, purely in surprise. Yachiru did the same with Hitsugaya, thankfully before he spotted Hanatarou.

She stood back as the other Captains sort of dissipated, going their separate ways. Unohana nodded to Hanatarou as she passed him, giving him a smile. He tried to return it but failed miserably. She gave him a sympathetic look before moving on. Zaraki came out and Yachiru jumped on his shoulder, promptly forgetting about the two vials. Everyone else moved on.

Except for Soifon and Hitsugaya.

"Uh oh," Matsumoto stated as the sound of the other Captains faded in the night.

"Story of my life," muttered Hanatarou. Hitsugaya and Soifon were standing completely still. "Captain?" asked Matsumoto cautiously. "Captain Hitsugaya?" He said nothing. "...Toishiro?" she tried again as she waved a hand in front of Hitsugaya's glazed eyes. She glanced at Hanatarou. "Try to wake up Soifon."

He looked at her in horror. "B-but she'll hurt me."

"Just do it."

Hanatarou swallowed nervously before approaching the Stealth force leader. "Uh...C-Captain Soifon...Are you alright?" She did nothing.

"Go closer."

"But it will be easier for her to rip off my head like that!"

"_Just do it_."

Hanatarou shut his eyes and stepped closer. When nothing happened he opened them to see Soifon standing, just like she had been. With a shaking hand he timidly waved it in front of her face. Nothing happened. "I think something's wrong..." he began, turning towards Matsumoto. "Uh...What are you doing?"

Matsumoto paused. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"...It looks like you're drawing pornographic images on Captain Hitsugaya's face while he is unable to resist. And writing words which seem to be advertising the real-life form of those images."

"There's your answer." Matsumoto smiled.

All of the sudden two clouds burst forth from the two Captains. Matsumoto and Hitsugaya were thrown backwards. Somehow Matsumoto landed on top of Hanatarou.

"I...Think I just died and went to heaven," he wheezed, looking at the two large..._assets _which were stopping him breathing. "But I can't breath so probably not."

She got up off him, looking back to where the smoke was fading. She squinted, trying to make out the two figures. "I can't see them."

Hanatarou stood and peered into the mist as well. "Neither can...Wait, look nearer to the ground."

There were two shadowy shapes there. "Maybe they're crouching down," suggested Matsumoto.

"I don't think so..." Hanatarou answered in the negative. "They're not the right shape for that."

Suddenly a sound came which stopped them both in their tracks as the smoke completely faded. It was a burp.

For a moment everyone stared at each other, stunned.

Matsumoto broke the silence. "You have got to be ****ing kidding me."

Hanatarou felt an acute desire to go hide somewhere.

Hitsugaya and Soifon blinked at them. But it wasn't the Captain Hitsugaya and Captain Soifon that the two amazed onlookers were familiar with.

No, the two vials had turned the two Captains into toddlers.

"I'm facing an inner battle right now," whispered Matsumoto. "Whether to be horrified...Or to be awed by their cuteness...Cuteness is winning...Cuteness has won COME HERE YOU ADORABLE _ARGH_!"

Matsumoto had rushed towards the two and hugged them both at once. Unfortunately, both toddler-Captains had proceeded to yank on the large, orang-ish forest they had found themselves buried in, and now both were almost swinging on Matsumoto's hair in miniaturized versions of their Captain's uniforms.

"Yaaaaay, itsh a shwing," cheered Hitsugaya. He glanced at Hanatarou. Hanatarou shrunk back a little, but the insane fury described by Matsumoto seemed to have disappeared when Hitsugaya had become a toddler.

"IT'S NOT A SWING YOU BRAT!" screamed Matsumoto.

"WANNA KITTY WANNA KITTY WANNA KITTY WANNA KITTY," screamed Soifon even louder.

"I LIKED YOU BETTER AS A FAN GIRL," Matsumoto replied. She turned to Hanatarou. "Get them OFF. AND THAT'S AN ORDER!"

Hanatarou rushed forward. "Um...Okay...How?"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!"

"SHWING SHWING SHWING," chanted Hitsugaya.

"KITTY KITTY KITTY," chanted Soifon.

"Um...You two...Let go of the nice lady's hair-"

"**NO**!"

"Okay, okay," Hanatarou backed off. True, they were toddlers. But they were toddler _Captains_, and that made him scared. The two Captain's Zanpakto' hadn't shrunk with them. They lay a few feet away. For that Hanatarou was thankful.

"GET THEM OFF!" screamed Matsumoto. "EVEN IF YOU NEED A JACK HAMMER TO DO IT!"

"Uh...I..." Hanatarou decided he would appeal to the 'I want' part of them. "I'll give you a kitty and I'll make you a better swing!"

Soifon immediately let go. "WANNA KITTY!"

"I'll get you one soon." Hanatarou tried, patting Soifon absent-mindedly on the head. "ARGH!" She had somehow flipped him over and was now pinning him down.

"WANNA KITTY!"

"GET THE OTHER ONE OFF!"

"Come on, Hitsugaya. Does the little Captain want to let go of the hair?"

"NO!"

"How about I give you a nice..." he cast around picked up a branch. "Branch."

Hitsugaya released Matsumoto and seized the branch.

"Good, Hitsu -AH! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!" Hanatarou yelled as Hitsugaya proceeded to stab him with the branch.

Soifon looked at Hitsugaya. "You have white hair."

Hitsugaya looked at Soifon, still stabbing Hanatarou. "And you has funny braid thingsh."

She gave him a dark look before punching him the the face. "YOU MEANIE!"

Hitsugaya hit her back. "YOU SHTINKY-BREATH!"

"I think we should stop them," advised Hanatarou worriedly.

"How?" asked Matsumoto as Soifon tried to pull of Hitsugaya's leg. Hitsugaya retaliated by kicking her in the face. "Go, Hitsugaya!"

"You probably shouldn't encourage them," advised Hanatarou.

"Advise who?" asked a female voice. "What's all this yelling?" An annoyed-looking Yoruichi was walking up to then. "Do you know some fool told Urahara about the drinking party lat night? When I find out who told him..."

Hanatarou swallowed nervously as yet another threat to his life was introduced. "Um...Lady Yoruichi, you probably shouldn't get too close..."

But it was too late. Yoruichi looked at the two toddlers. They looked back. "Why are there two toddlers -wait, is that-" began Yoruichi.

"KIIIIITTYYYY!" screamed Soifon as she hurled herself into Yoruichi's arms. "KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY!"

Hanatarou was worried for a moment before he realized that Soifon wasn't hurting the cat-woman. She was actually hugging her.

"...Mind telling me just _what _is going on?" asked Yoruichi in complete confusion as Soifon snuggled against her. She looked at Hanatarou. "Well?"

"Lieutenant Yachiru took some vials from somewhere I'm guessing is the Twelve Division and made Soifon and Hitsugaya drink them before running off," he uttered.

"Ah,' she nodded.

But Hitsugaya wouldn't be forgotten. He looked up at Matsumoto. For a moment something came into his eyes and he said, very slowly and distinctly, something which sent chills down Matsumoto's spine. "_Paperwork_."

"I'm getting out of here!" exclaimed the Lieutenant.

"Wh-what?" stuttered Hanatarou as Matsumoto seized Hitsugaya's Zanpakto.

"I'm not staying around here when he's like that! He'll make me do paperwork...And _actually make me do it_!" she told him before running off.

Yoruichi looked at the completely trusting Soifon and said, "Um...you!"

"Y-yes?"

"Would you take care of Soifon?"

"...Preferably not."

"Too bad, I'm ordering you to." She handed Soifon, who had thankfully fallen asleep in the other woman's arms, to Hanatarou. "I have no idea how to take care of children!" She turned around, ready to run off, before looking at Soifon's Zanpakto. "But I'll take this with me." She picked it up and, without another word, disappeared.

Hanatarou looked down at the sleeping face of baby Soifon.

He looked at Hitsugaya, who was blinking in a tired sort of way.

He sighed and took Hitsugaya's hand. "Come on. We'd better get you two into bed. It's too late for you two to be up." Hitsugaya followed meekly, yawning, as they headed back to the Division Eleven barracks.

After all, Hanatarou was too nice to leave two toddlers all alone.

Eve though either could and would beat him to a pulp.

#

Matsumoto reached her quarters and set her Captain's Zanpakto on the desk he had somehow put into her room. She looked around. She sighed and prepared to sleep on the couch stuffed in her corner. Then a thought struck her.

"Dammit, how am I supposed to exploit Hitsugaya for profit now!" She clenched her fist. "Oh, that is it...First thing tomorrow morning me, Kira and Hisage are going 'round to Division Eleven and kicking that guy all the way to he world of the living!"

She looked around at the newly-refurbished office. She sighed. "_After _I have some shut-eye."

#

Byakuya got some very odd looks as he walked back to his barracks. It probably was something to do with the fact that his hair was singing the national anthem. The Soul Society didn't actually _have _a national anthem so Byakuya wasn't quite sure which national anthem they were singing. He only knew that it was a national anthem because he'd been told by a particularly talkative strand.

When he arrived at the barracks, he wasn't in the best of moods. It wasn't improved by the fact that Rukia, Ichigo and Renji were waiting outside the barrack gates, looking miserable and arguing. Well, Rukia and Renji were looking miserable. Ichigo was arguing with himself.

"Why are you waiting out here?" he asked.

From inside the barracks a voice shouted, "PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! LET'S PRETEND A SCARE CROW IS CAPTAIN BYAKUSHI AND SACRIFICE IT TO THE MOON!"

"That's why," replied Rukia.

"Division Six decided to have a party when we left," explained Renji.

"Yes, I remember it being mentioned by the one who judged the art competition."

"Hanatarou?"

"...If you say so."

"SHEEP ARE NOT ROCKS!" screamed Ichigo randomly. Everyone looked at him. He tapped his head.

_**They are too**_! protested Hichigo.

"Are not!"

**They aren't**, Zangetsu chimed in.

_**Liars, both of you**_!

"So why do they not let us inside?" inquired Byakuya, ignoring Ichigo.

"IF I'M A LIAR YOU'RE A MONKEY!" randomly yelled the ignored.

"SACRIFICE THE WORKAHOLIC, UPTIGHT CAPTAIN TO THE MOON!" yelled some Division Six members from inside. A burst of sparks cast light everywhere. "HURRAH, THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!"

"_That's _why," replied Renji.

"It's not a bad summary," murmured Byakuya's hair. "Wicked witch, we mean."

"So says my own hair," muttered Byakuya. "Out of curiosity, which national anthem were you singing before?"

"The national anthem of your face."

"YEAH, WELL, YOU SMELL LKE OLD CHEESE!" screamed Ichigo.

_**Your face smells like old cheese**_.

"You are childish and annoying and I HATE YOU!"

I _**would be hurt, but I hate you too, so I guess it's even**_.

"...GO HOME!"

**I AM HOME, IDIOT**!

"THEN FIND A DIFFERENT HOME, 'CAUSE I'M EVICTING YOU!"

_**Good luck with that. And while you try to do that I'm going to mentally play my own fantasies involving random vegetables, Orihime and Rukia...AT THE SAME TIME!**_

"YOU ARE SCIK!"

**I must second that. If you remember, I reside here as well.**

"Yeah, so just SHUT UP, HICHIGO!"

Everyone did the smart thing and ignored both Ichigo and Byakuya's hair.

"LET'S DANCE AROUND NAKED WHILE WE DESTORY CAPTAIN BE-A-QUEER'S OFFICE!"

"Excuse me?" Byakuya spat.

"DESTROY HIS OFFICE! DESTORY HIS OFFICE!" chanted the Sixth Division.

Renji clapped a hand on Byakuya's shoulder. "Sorry, Captain. Me and Mr Schizophrenic over there will fix it in the morning."

"Along with the room you destroyed, you mean?"

"...Yeah, that too."

"So what do we do now?" asked Rukia. "I mean, if we somehow manage to go inside, I think they'd tie us up and dance around tribally."

"While trying to eat our entrails," chimed in the Hair, which had now acquired enough rank to have a capital letter.

"You don't even _have _entrails," pointed out Byakuya, a voice of logic.

"VEGETABLES ARE _NOT _SEXUAL OBJECTS!"

Ichigo was again ignored.

"So I guess we'll just have to find somewhere else to crash until tomorrow," Rukia said.

"NEITHER ARE SPORKS!"

"Somewhere who won't mind Ichigo shouting out random and extremely disturbing things," continued Rukia without a change in expression.

"Or your hair," Renji told Byakuya.

"NEITHER ARE WALLS! HELL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT ONE WOULD WORK -_ARGH, AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO_!"

"But where would we find a place like that? mused Rukia.

Byakuya thought. "I may have just the place..."


	7. Day Three: After the Party

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of it's associated fictional character or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day Three**

**After the Party**

Hanatarou blinked, confused to why he was strapped to a chair. He looked up. It appeared that he was on trial for something. But looking around made him more, not less confused. First of all, the judge appeared to be Ichigo Kurosaki wearing a wig. But it wasn't a judge's wig. It was a long blonde woman's wig that actually suited him a lot better than he would have thought.

"Er, hello," said Hanatarou, very confused. "Could someone tell me what I'm doing here-"

"SILENCE!" shouted a voice from his left. Hanatarou, climbing out from under the chair he'd dove under, looked up and saw Zaraki looking very upset.

"OH GOD NOT AGAIN!" exclaimed Hanatarou. "Isn't one nightmare with you enough?"

"NEVER!"

Hanatarou sighed. As he was standing and dusting himself down, he said, "well, a least you're not wearing a pink apron this time or anything…" He looked up. Zaraki was now wearing a pink apron. "I give up."

"You know what else you are?" simpered a voice seductively. "On trial! And bagging you as one of the biggest villains to hit our streets will get me skyrocketed to the top of the Seireitei police force!"

Hanatarou looked at Matsumoto. "Erm…" Matsumoto was dressed in what could have, at a rather large stretch of the imagination, been called a police uniform. If Police uniforms included miniskirts and large amounts of cleavage. She stood next to where Zaraki sat, clearly his defendant.

"Kindly keep your personal fantasies to yourself," snapped a business-like woman from behind Hanatarou. She walked around him and Hanatarou gave a sigh of relief. If anyone was to defend him in court, he would have wanted it to be Rukia. She wore a decent police uniform. Come to think of it, Hanatarou wasn't completely sure policemen or women were supposed to be defendants, but he supposed it didn't really matter in a dream.

Although, when Rukia turned around, he did have to repress the urge to ask her why she had a small but very neat moustache.

"Quiet!" shouted the Ichigo-judge, banging his fist onto the table. It immediately cracked and fell in two, leaving Ichigo sitting on a rather large chair. He ignored it. "We shall now proceed with the trial of…" The bewigged Ichigo looked blank.

"Hanatarou," said Hanatarou glumly. Even in his dreams he was forgettable.

"What is it again?" murmured Matsumoto.

"Pansy!" shouted Zaraki.

"We'll go with that," Ichigo quickly agreed. "We shall now proceed with the trial of Pansy, who is charged for kidnapping one of Zaraki's children."

"Oh god not again!" shouted Hanatarou. "I DON'T WANT ANY MORE! I DON'T WANT ANY! SOIFON CAN HAVE YORUICHI AND YACHIRU CAN GO TO WHOEVER'S THE MOST SUICIDAL!"

Everyone gave him a slow blink. There was a long pause.

"I mean his bear-child," said Ichigo.

Hanatarou gave him a very confused look. "…Huh?"

"Zaraki's first-born. The bear-child."

"Amy," supplied Zaraki. "Her father was a monster, but she's the only good thing to come of it." Matsumoto patted his sympathetically on the arm.

Hanatarou wasn't sure which scarred his psychologically more about this sentence, the fact that Zaraki had a bear as a child, the fact that he'd been intimate with a bear, or the fact that there was the strong implication of Zaraki being the mother. He gave a small, traumatised twitch and, somewhat numbly, said, "but… I didn't steal a-"

There was a low growl from behind him. He found that, suddenly, there was a small and rather cute bear standing beside him. She was chained to his arm. "Wait, what?"

Zaraki stood up and shouted. "YOU MONSTER! Well, you know what, you may have taken my bear, but you shall never take my hippo!"

"You also have a hippo-child?" frowned Rukia seriously, stroking her moustache. She ignored Hanatarou's twitch of psychological damage.

"Yes, her name's Amy too…" he drew off, looking at something just past Hanatarou. Hanatarou turned, frowning. Now there was a small and rather cute hippo chained to him as well.

"But – what? – COME ON, I was here all the time!" Hanatarou said, exasperated.

"Right under our very noses!" exclaimed Matsumoto, nodding, and causing her cleavage to jiggle slightly.

"I believe the jury has seen enough!" exclaimed Ichigo. He turned to a small purple canary who was labelled 'JURY' under its cage. "What is your verdict?"

"GUILTY GUILTY SQWAAAAAK!" said the canary.

"As a result, pansy, you shall be sentenced to being slave to the God of All Things Bacon for the rest of your life, and maybe longer if trade picks up and those damn vegetarians don't get their way."

With that, Hanatarou was hit in the face.

"WAKE UP!"

#

Byakuya woke up. He blinked. His bed felt different than usual. He then realised that it was because it wasn't actually his bed. He sat up, remembering the previous night.

"Morning, sunshine," a chorus of his own voice greeted him.

"Be quiet," he snapped as he began to get dressed.

"Someone's grumpy," muttered his hair.

"Someone's going to get a hair cut if you don't be quiet."

The hair was silent.

Byakuya thought about what had happened the night before. He had taken them to the thirteenth division. Captain Ukitake's Division. The silver-haired Captain had taken one look at him, Ichigo (who had been arguing with himself again), Renji and Rukia, said, "you poor, tormented soul reapers" and had let them stay the night.

He stepped out of the room he had been sleeping in and was drawn to the main room by two arguing voices which everyone I the Seireitei could immediately place.

"No, I am the better host! You're just copying, like usual!"

"You're copying me!"

"How can I copy you if I speak first?"

"I don't know, but you do it somehow!"

"What, so I'm some kind of mind reader now!"

"Ha! So you ADMIT it!"

Byakuya entered the room and was spotted by the female third-seater, Kiyome, first. "Captain Kutchiki! Good morning, Captain! May I be of service?"

Sentaro turned around and saw Byakuya. "Captain Kutchiki. I trust you found everything to your liking?"

"I was just asking him that."

"No, you were asking something _different_."

"I was being courteous but you had to jump in and repeat what I said!"

"I didn't repeat it!"

"You did!"

Since he didn't want to be there for ever, Byakuya stepped in. "My quarters were adequate and at this moment I would like to know where my sister is."

"And companions, I presume."

"...Yes...Them too." He thought, then remembered his Lieutenant and Ichigo. "Yes, I would like to know the whereabouts of my Lieutenant and companion."

"Your sister is still in her quarters and-"

"Your other companions are up and...Well, they were just here, Captain."

"You interrupted me!"

"That was because you interrupted me before!"

"I was trying to be polite!"

"I was trying to be polite before you even thought of being polite! You just copied me!"

"So where are they now?" asked Byakuya. "And how could they just slip away from you?"

"Not sure, Captain. Sorry. They sort of wandered off while we weren't looking," admitted Sentaro regretfully.

"You mean while you weren't looking. I was completely alert the whole time."

"You!" scoffed Sentaro. "If you were really so alert then why did he go past you, hmm?"

"Because YOU were DISTRACTING me!"

"Well if you were COMPLETELY ALERT then you shouldn't have let yourself BE distracted!"

"And now I see how they could just slip away," Byakuya nodded. "If you excuse me, I must go to find them."

"I will help guide you around the barracks of the thirteenth Division, Captain Kutchiki!" passionately offered Sentaro.

"But I will show you around better!" Kiyome said.

"Argh -you're copying me again!"

"I am not!"

As they turned to each other and began arguing Byakuya slipped quietly out of the room. He tried to feel around for someone's spiritual pressure and got blasted by Rukia's. He followed the track of it and found them outside.

Rukia was not, as the two third-seaters had supposed, still in her barracks. She was, in actual fact, outside with Ichigo and Renji holding Zabimaru.

"Rukia!" protested Renji. "Come on, just give Zabimaru back!"

"No, and you know why? BECAUSE I'M NOT FREAKING INSANE!"

"I wasn't actually going to hurt him," whined Renji. "Just...Whip him up a little."

"Renji, that sounded very fetishy." Rukia told him, one hand on her hip. "And that fetish-ism isn't being helped by the fact that you got up ridiculously early in the morning to TIE ICHIGO TO A TREE!"

It was true. Ichigo was bound and gagged to the nearest tree. Something inside Byakuya, when he saw Ichigo bound and gagged, released a happy little ,'so how do you like _those_ apples?'

Ichigo was looking very frustrated and scared. This may have had something to do with the fact that he was tied to a tree topless, gagged and about to be stabbed with a Bankai-wielding maniac who had just said he wanted to ,"whip him up a little".

"He deserved it!" exclaimed Renji. "And it isn't a fetish!"

"So you were going to stab him?"

"...Just a little."

"RENJI!"

"Well, how would YOU like it if you had been kept up ALL NIGHT by SOMEONE ARGUING WITH THEMSELVES!"

"Oh, come on, Renji," sighed Rukia exasperatedly. "It can't have been that bad?"

Renji had a little flash back.

_He and Ichigo had to share the same room, as there were only three spare rooms. One for Captain Kutchiki, as he was a Captain, one for Rukia as she was a female and, more importantly, the Captain's sister, so Byakuya would have rather killed Ichigo and possibly Renji too to make more room as to avoid her sharing a room with either men, and one for Renji and Ichigo. They had argued for a little while then went to bed. _

_At first Renji had tried to tell him to shut up and sleep._

"_No, Hichigo, I will not ask if I can share a room with Rukia. Because I don't trust you, it's perverted and Byakuya will probably kill me if I do. No, I will _not_ tell him his _sister_ is a horn dog!"_

"_Hey, Ichigo, shut up!"_

"_Tell him that."_

"_I can't hear him. I can hear you. So shut up."_

"_Fine."_

_A few minutes later._

"_Zangetsu, can you make Hichigo stop playing his little fantasies? They are murdering what ever innocence I have left in horrible ways. Can you at least tell him to shut up then?"_

"_I'm telling you both. SHUT UP!" yelled Renji. But it went on. And on. And on. And even when Ichigo was asleep, Hichigo and Zangetsu weren't._

"_I really don't like this guy," the hollow version of Ichigo began._

"_Why?" Ichigo asked himself in a different tone, which made Renji realise it was Zangetsu._

"_Because he never lets me fight. I mean, if I was in that guy over there, I'd probably be fighting all the time." Hichigo turned his head to face Renji while he was talking. The face and the creepy smile spread over it would give Renji nightmares for months. "What do you reckon, Renji? Mind if I take you for a spin?"_

"_Hichigo, stop terrorising the poor boy," Zangetsu reprimanded._

_But he didn't stop._

_He continued talking all night._

"Uh...Renji?' asked Rukia in a strained voice. "Are you...Feeling...Okay?"

"Obviously not," supplied Byakuya calmly. "I am considering asking why my Lieutenant is, at this moment, curled up and twitching on the ground as if he is traumatised. However I suspect that, considering recent events, I will probably become traumatised as well if I do ask. Therefore, am just going to get Kurosaki untied and go back to Division Six."

"Sounds good!" agreed his hair.

"Be quiet."

#

"Okay, Hanatarou is tired now, so he's going to collapse in an unconscious heap, okay?" mumbled Hanatarou, exhausted, as he collapsed in aforementioned heap after just having been forced to spend the entire night taking care of the two Captain-turned-toddlers as opposed to sleeping. No wonder he'd had crazy nightmares involving Zaraki… And a moustached Rukia… And other horrible things… But before he could lose consciousness he said, "don't kick me too hard while I'm passed out, please."

"NO!" vehemently protested the baby Hitsugaya. "PLAY SHOME MORE!"

Hanatarou groaned as he heaved himself up. "What else is there to play? I was your pony for a while -which I seem to be doing a lot lately- then I played hopscotch with you two and Yachiru on top of a building, then we played Soifon's version of chasey, which meant I was chased around the room with you two threatening to beat me up if you caught me, then I had to feed you two and CHANGE YOUR DIAPERS, which was made more difficult by the fact that you were both TRYING TO KILL ME while I did it...Isn't there someone else you can torture? Anyone else?"

The tiny Soifon and Hitsugaya looked at him for a moment. They looked at each other. They looked at Hanatarou and screamed, "PLAY!"

Hanatarou sighed as he sat up. "Fine-"

"HEY, PANSY!" screamed an abrasive voice. "GET UP!"

Hanatarou got up and opened his door. "I'm already up, Captain Zaraki."

Zaraki blinked at him. "What, this early?"

"I never went to sleep."

Zaraki looked at the two toddlers. "...Is that..."

"Captain Hitsugaya -ouch- and Captain Soifon -ow. Yes it is." As he had said their names the two miniaturised Captains had thrown something at him. "Lieutenant Yachiru made them drink something she stole from the Captain of Twelve division."

"...Whatever." Dismissed the burly Captain. "Go collect that order I wanted."

It took Hanatarou a moment to remember. "You mean the Sake?"

"Yeah. And get it soon." Without another word Zaraki left. _Polite_, thought the medic.

Hanatarou sighed as he turned around. "Can I leave you two here while I go get something-"

"NO! WANNA WANNA WANNA PLAY WANNA PLAY NOW!"

"WANNA KITTY! KITTY KITTY KITTY!"

"I guess you're going to have to come with me then."

#

You can only sit awake in trepidation for so long before it gets boring. So Makizou had actually slept rather well, despite the fact that he was an Oompa Loompa stuck in a cage.

But he had been woken by something that, from the on, would haunt his nightmares.

"Ah, my Oompa Loompa specimen. Wakey wakey, we have a long day of experiments ahead of us."

#

"There you are, Captain Kutchiki!" greeted Kiyome as she and the other third-seater followed him outside.

"We are here purely to serve you, Captain!"

"But I can do it better."

"You lying little -"

"I don't require any assistance," Byakuya told them. They looked back at him.

"...Yes, Captain, of course not...But I'm afraid that...well..."

"Captain Ukitake ordered us to stay close to you, Captain, in case you needed anything!"

"You just jumped right in, interrupting me!"

"Well, if you'd said it maybe I wouldn't have had to."

"I was getting around to it!"

"So we're stuck with you two?" asked Ichigo, who was being untied by Rukia.

_**That's going to get annoying.**_

"Yeah, you'd know a lot about annoying, wouldn't you?"

The two third-seaters looked at him. Rukia jumped in. "Ignore him. He has a mental condition."

"I DO NOT!"

"He's in denial."

"I AM NOT!"

"See?"

The two third-seaters nodded. "We will be leaving now," Byakuya told them.

"Come on, Renji," prompted Rukia, nudging him with her foot. He twitched a little. "Renji come on!"

"...Can't...Scary perverted monsters will get me."

"_I'm_ going to get you if you don't _move_!"

He stood up, looking traumatised. "Yes, ma'am."

The four of them began walking out. They went out of the barracks and Byakuya looked at the two third-seaters who had followed them out. "Would you pass on my gratitude for the hospitality to Captain Ukitake?"

"Sure."

"I'll do it."

"I'll do it first."

"I'll do it better!"

"You'll just be copying me!"

"Thankyou," interrupted Byakuya before beginning to walk off. The two third-seaters kept following them. "You two can go back to your duties now."

"Uh...Actually, Captain, these are our duties."

"...Pardon?"

"Well-"

"All Captain Ukitake said was that we had to stay close. He didn't say anything about only doing so in the barracks."

"You interrupted me again!"

"Wait," Byakuya frowned. "Does this mean you two will be following us around everywhere?"

They looked sheepish for a moment before nodding and mumbling general assents.

Byakuya sighed. "If those are your orders, then you must obey them."

"Thank you for understanding, Captain!"

"I'm more thankful than he is!"

"No, you're just a bigger copycat."

Byakuya turned around and began walking. It was going to be a looooooong day.

#

Matsumoto was lying on something she hadn't lay on for a long time. She sort of twitched a bit before realising that it was a couch, but not Hitsugaya's couch, which had, by this time, acquired the general shape of her body.

She sat up and looked around.

It was a scene from her nightmares.

An office was in her room.

The other way around, sure that was fine. But this...

She growled as she remembered who was responsible for it.

She wondered if Kira and Hisage were too busy to _beat someone to a pulp_.

#

"Hm...Maybe the toilet plunger..." muttered Mayuri.

"OH, GOD NO!"

"_Quiet, specimen!"_

#

"Will you two shut up!" finally cracked one of them. Byakuya, Ichigo, Rukia and Renji had been walking to the Division Six barracks for a little while. Trailing behind them like two incredibly argumentative puppies were Kiyome and Sentaro. They wouldn't stop arguing with each other. It seemed like anything that they could argue about they would, and even some of the things that it wasn't physically possible to argue about they would somehow manage it with odd leaps of logic which left the other four mentally reeling.

So it wasn't surprising that one of them eventually snapped.

It wasn't Renji. He had been too traumatised to say a single word.

It wasn't Ichigo. He had been busily muttering to himself...Himselves.

It wasn't Byakuya. He wouldn't have been so crude to shout that out. He probably would have stabbed them...If he had Sebonzakura.

It wasn't even Rukia, who, by now, was feeling much like she wanted to say something along those lines.

It was Byakuya's hair.

"We have been listening to you two bitch and moan about every little, big or medium-sized thing which you have come across," raged the series of tiny voices originating from Byakuya's scalp.

"Um...Captain Kutchiki?" asked Kiyome in an odd little voice. "Your hair is talking."

"Yes, it does that occasionally."

"...But it's your hair. And it's...talking."

"Yes, I realise."

"...And you find nothing odd about that?"

"Oh, I find plenty odd about it. But I learn from my mistakes and have decided to let my hair talk as long as it doesn't annoy me."

"...Mistakes? What do you mean?"

"I meant that after being almost strangled to death by my own hair I'm going to let it do what ever it was unless it gets really annoying, in which case I will threaten to cut it all off."

"...Oh." Kiyome had nothing else to say to that.

"Will you cut us off if we yell at the third-seaters?" whispered Byakuya's hair to Byakuya.

Byakuya sighed. "No. To be honest I wouldn't mind shouting at them myself but that would be beneath the dignity of a Captain. And since my dignity has already taken rather a large hit due to the fact that my hair is alive, I would rather keep what small portion of it I have safe."

"...So we can shout at them?"

"Yes."

"YOU TWO ARE THE TWO MOST ANNOYING PEPLE EVER TO WALK THIS PLANET!" the hair screamed. Kiyome and Sentaro didn't so much as blink.

"Which is more annoying?" asked Sentaro eagerly.

"YOU ARE THE MOST IDIOTIC...Huh?"

"Which is more annoying?" repeated the male third-seater. He adopted a smug expression. "Not that I have to ask. I know it will be me."

"You can't be serious!" exclaimed the other. "I am far more annoying than you will ever be! My annoying-ness out-does yours by infinity!"

"That doesn't even make sense."

"That's because I'm too annoying to make sense!"

"You two are idiots, that what you are," the hair told them. "And, besides, if there's going to be a contest on who is the most annoying, I would be the winner."

"You would not!"

"I would!"

"No, I would be!"

"I would!"

"No, really, I would."

#

"Uh...Hello?" called Hanatarou timidly. "It's me again-"

"SHOPPING!" cheered Hitsugaya. "WANNA SHWEET!"

"But it's not even breakfast time!"

"WANNA SHWEET WANT ONE NOW WANNA WANNA WANNA SHWEET!"

"Okay!" cried the bullied Hanatarou.

"I WANNA KITTY!" cried Soifon with as much vigour as the other toddler. "KITTY KITTY KITTY NOW!"

"Okay, I'll get you a kitty!" Hanatarou cried helplessly. The door to the shop opened and Urahara stepped out.

"What's all the noise...Oh." He had seen the two baby Captains.

He shut the door.

Unfortunately for him, Hitsugaya and Soifon got there first.

"WANNA GO IN SHOP!"

"SHOP! SHOP!"

"Okay!" conceded Urahara in a tone very similar to that used by Hanatarou. The two toddlers cheered as they rushed into the store. The hat-wearing shop keeper looked at Hanatarou. "What happened?"

"Lieutenant Yachiru and the twelve division lab."

"Ah." No further explanation was needed. "And what happened to _you_? You're covered in bruises."

"So are you."

"That was because Yoruichi thought I over reacted over the drinking party incident. And you?"

"Captain Soifon's version of chasey involves beating up who ever is It when you catch them. I was caught a lot. Captain Zaraki sent me to collect the order I placed yesterday. Has it come in yet?"

"Yes, I put it on speed-order. I'll just go get it now – DON'T DRINK THAT, IT'S LAXATIVES!" screamed the shop keeper as he sprinted through the shop and wrestled a bottle from the hand of the baby Hitsugaya.

"WANT SHWEET!" Hitsugaya screamed as the bottle was wrested from his grasp. He commenced to rip Urahara's hat off his head and stuffed it in his mouth, glaring at the shop keeper in a way which said that if Urahara wanted his hat back he would just have to come get it.

"Alright, I'll get you some sweets!" exclaimed Urahara as he ran out of the room, ran back with a large box, which he shoved onto Hanatarou, and a huge, head-sized lollipop. "Here!" He grabbed his hat with one hand, ripped it out and stuck the lollipop in it's place. It shouldn't have fit but somehow, it did. Hitsugaya began gnawing on it.

"Kitty," sighed a contently childish voice which Hanatarou vaguely recognised. He looked around and saw the toddler-version of Soifon hugging a stuffed animal in the shape of a black cat.

"I think she's claimed that as her own," Hanatarou told the shop keeper. "Unless you want to try and get it back?"

Soifon hugged the toy to her as she happily walked over to them. "Kitty. Kitty mine. Kitty mine and anyone who want Kitty **will be crushed**."

"...She can keep it," Urahara said wisely.

"Is this the Sake?" asked Hanatarou.

"Yes, that's it."

"Oh, well...Thank you."

"Tell me...Would you be able to do me a favour?" asked Urahara in a charming voice which immediately set off warning bells for Hanatarou.

"What kind of favour?" asked the medic.

"Well...I kind of need a few packages to be delivered to the Seireitei, but the people I usually get to do it are all out. I can't get in contact with Ichigo, I want to give Yoruichi some time to cool off so I can't get her."

"What about the three who were here before? The two children and the man?"

"I don't know. I woke up and they weren't here...I can't get in contact with Chad or Uryu either..."

#

"Okay, everyone, let's eat!" announced Orihime cheerfully.

Chad, Uryu, Tessai, Jinta and Ururu looked at their plates doubtfully.

"Uh...Orihime?" began Uryu. "I'm sure we all...appreciate this celebratory breakfast...Can I ask what it's celebrating again?"

"Our survival after the trip to the Soul Society!" smiled Orihime.

"Yeah, I'm sure we all appreciate it...But you didn't _have_ to do it."

"_Really_ didn't have to," added Chad.

"Like, at all," Jinta continued.

"In any way," Tessai went on.

"It's just extra effort for you," Ururu told the red head nicely.

Orihime smiled. "Oh, I know, but I wanted to do something to celebrate!" She looked at them, seeming to see their doubtful faces for the first time. "But...You don't have to eat my mashed banana and tofu noodles, ice cream and pumpkin soup, or avocado and turnip sandwich smoothies. If you don't...want them..." she trailed off, looking so disheartened that everyone in the room immediately felt guilty.

"No, it looks great," supplied Tessai with forced enthusiasm.

"Yeah, great," Jinta smiled a smile which wobbled at the edges.

"I'm sure it tastes great," lied Ururu.

"Yeah," solemnly agreed Chad, feeling a little nervous.

Unlike the rest of them seemed to be, Uryu was very keen on living as opposed to dying from Orihime's cooking. "...I'm so sorry, but I just remembered, I've got to do...something. Something very important."

"Oh...Well, that's a shame," conceded Orihime.

"I might drop by later, though," he compensated, thinking that he would do no such thing.

"You bastard," muttered Tessai.

"Don't leave us here alone," begged Ururu quietly.

"I hate you," whispered Jinta.

"Deserter," accused Chad almost silently.

"Sorry, did you guys just say something?" asked Orihime brightly.

"No."

"Didn't say anything."

"I said nothing."

"Me? No, I didn't say or hear anything."

"Well, I'm sorry to walk out on you like this," apologised Uryu as he stood up, ignoring the gaze of a roomful of people who's escape he just stole, as it would have been clear to Orihime that they were lying if anyone else had suddenly remembered 'something very important' they had to do. "But I've got to go."

"Bye, Uryu," Orihime waved at him cheerfully. "Now let's eat!"

#

"...I'm sure that, where ever they are, they're fine," dismissed Urahara.

"Well..." began Hanatarou. "Since you've been so nice...I guess I could-"

"Great!" smiled Urahara as he smiled, disappeared and reappeared a moment alter holding a bunch of packages.

"...I'm not sure I can carry all those," Hanatarou told him honestly.

"Just carry what you can, then," said the shop keeper. "Let's see...This one was on fast order, so here you go."

"It's kind of big, isn't it?" gasped Hanatarou as he grasped the package, which seemed to be a man-sized doll.

"I guess. It goes to Division Six. And this goes to Stealth Force."

"Uh...You know Soifon is right there-"

"It's going to Yoruichi. Besides, I'm not trusting either of those two kid-Captains with this stuff! Hitsugaya would probably try and eat it and Soifon would beat me up if I tried to ask her to carry anything."

This made sense to Hanatarou.

Urahara held out another package. "And this one goes to-"

"Uh...Urahara? I'm carrying a box of Sake, a box of something else and a man-sized doll. I also have the approximate muscle content of a hamster. I don't think I can carry any more."

Urahara looked up and saw that it was true. "In that case, you' better run along and deliver those."

The door shut.

Hanatarou turned around, then realised something.

"Uh...Urahara-"

The door opened. The two toddlers were pushed out. The door shut.

Hitsugaya looked at Hanatarou glaringly. "My shweetsh," he mumbled around the lollipop which he still seemed to be trying to gnaw.

"It's all yours."

Soifon hugged her cat-toy dreamily, looking up at Hanatarou with big, dreamy eyes. "Are we going home?"

"Yes, we're going home," answered Hanatarou, thinking how cute Soifon looked when she wasn't trying to kill him.

#

"I know!" Mayuri clicked his fingers, which was quite an accomplishment with the instrument on his finger. "I'll use the tea tree oil to lubricate the guitar first!"

Makizou twitched. "Please don't."

#

After what seemed to be an age, despite the fact that not only did they have two incredibly argumentative third-seaters trailing after them but _Byakuya's hair _was joining in on the arguments as well, they managed to eventually arrive at the Division Six barracks.

They heard a loud moaning noise from all the way down the street.

"...Urgh, my head hurts."

"I know, right? We totally let loose last night."

"And drank too much."

"_Way_ too much."

"Excuse me," Byakuya said loudly as he arrived at the front entrance. "This is Captain Kutchiki-"

"HOLY CRAP WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" screamed one before running off, apparently to warn the others. "BURN THE EVIDENCE!"

"...I am going to pretend I didn't hear that," continued Byakuya. "As I was saying, this is Captain Kutchiki and I demand entrance."

"Yeah, well, how do I know you're the Captain?" challenged a voice which was very scared.

"Because there's a hole to look through. Just release the metal catch and swing the piece of metal covering it off," the Captain told them. There were some sounds of metal scraping against metal. A square hole appeared in the metal and two frightened eyes stared out. "Now do you believe I am your Captain?"

The Soul Reaper on the other side saw a chance and took it. "No."

"...Pardon?"

"No, I don't believe you're Captain Kutchiki," the voice repeated with a minute amount more of courage. A pillar of smoke appeared in the barracks.

"They're burning all the evidence of the party last night, aren't they?" asked Byakuya.

"...No."

"BURN ALL THE EVIDENCE OF THE PARTY LAST NIGHT!" screamed several voices from inside.

There was a slight pause, after which the person on the other side said, "kids these days."

"Alright, I have had enough," stated Byakuya calmly. "I am going to tell you _why_ I am Captain Kutchiki and all the reasons why I should be let inside.

"I should be let inside because I spent yesterday _forced_ into a _bonding session_ with someone who I would much rather didn't exist by someone who forced me into it by kidnapping my Zanpakto.

"I should also be let inside because all of the aforementioned bonding session was an awkward and indeed, painful experience which I will happily never think of or bring up again.

"I should also be let in because I was forced into an art competition with three other people who -no offence intended...Well, except for you, Dandelion, offence is intended for you- wouldn't be able to pick good art if their lives depended on it."

"Look who's talking Mr Draw-a-Freaking-Dot-and-Call-It-Art," muttered Ichigo.

"Quiet. Other than the _fine_ I got for _winning_ the art competition, I also came home to find my _entire Division_ having a _party_ in my absence, _celebrating_ my absence.

"_Not only that_ but I also have been dragging around this box of paperwork for all of the last night and I would really just like to either burn it or make someone else do it because I suspect that if I am made to do it I will probably destroy someone.

"Beside that, I have been followed around for the last half hour by two argumentative third-seaters who have made my hair join in with their petty arguments, which is something I should feel strange saying but, after all of yesterday, is comparatively normal.

"Lastly, I will prove I am Captain Kutchiki by going Bankai on you if you don't let me in because, at this moment, killing someone, even someone from my own Division, is most definitely going to make me feel better."

Byakuya had turned his most glare-y death glare onto the guard. The guard fainted.

"I almost feel sorry for him," murmured Rukia as Byakuya reached through the hole and unlocked the door.

"I do not."

He unlocked it and opened it.

"Brother, are you sure about this current security system? I mean, you just reached through and unlocked the door."

"I suppose I didn't count of anybody being terrifying enough to frighten the guard so much that he fainted."

#

"Strange...The liver of an Oompa Loompa is different from that of a Soul Reaper...Say, specimen? Do you mind if I help myself to some of your kidney?"

"YES!"

"I thought you wouldn't."

#

"Is it always this quiet?" asked Kiyome and they all walked towards Byakuya's office.

"No," replied Byakuya's hair. "Everyone's just scared of Byakuya."

"That's Captain to you."

"We are your hair. You're not allowed to pull authority."

"I can and I will."

"Hichigo wants me to say -I'M SAYING IT, MORON! Yes, you ARE! What...It's YOUR FACE TOO!"

"Kurosaki, as charming as it _isn't_ to stand here and listen to you argue with yourself, would you just say what you want to?"

"Just as soon as Hichigo stops being a _disrespectful moron_!"

"He's an aspect of you, Ichigo," pointed out Rukia.

"So that will be never?" asked Byakuya gloomily. Rukia nodded sympathetically. Byakuya sighed. "At least we only hear the one side of it."

Ichigo's eye twitched. Very slowly he said, "_you lucky bastards_. YES, HICHIGO I WILL SAY IT. Hichigo wants me to say that DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THE RAGING BONFIRE BURNING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GARDEN WE PASSED A LITTLE WHILE AGO!"

#

"Captain Zaraki?" a timid voice called after a knock. Zaraki looked up from where he was re-arranging the objects in the draw.

"What?"

Hanatarou entered and set the box on the desk. "Here is the Sake you wanted, Captain."

"Oh, right. NOW GET OUT, PANSY, THE SIGHT OF YOU ANNOYS ME!"

Hanatarou got out.

"Uh...the next order goes to...Division six," he muttered outside.

"Is that where Kitty is?" asked the toddler Soifon, still hugging her cat-toy.

"No, but we'll be going there soon."

"Okay," smiled the dreamy baby Soifon adorably.

"Let's go," Hanatarou said as he took her hand and walked. He had been holding the smaller box on top of the bigger box with the man-sized doll on his back. Now he had a free hand and used it to guide the toddler Soifon. He had briefly felt guilty about not holding the toddler Hitsugaya's but one glance at his snarling, still-chewing-on-the-lollipop face had cured that.


	8. Nothing is Burning

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of it's associated fictional character or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day Three**

"Excuse me," began Byakuya when they had gone back to the garden. "Could someone inform me what you are burning?"

Everyone froze. They were tipping signs saying 'DOWN WITH BYAKUSHI' and 'BURN IT DOWN' and other things like that into the fire, along with a bunch of party decorations. Then everyone began doing it a lot faster and sneakier. They would wander near the raging fire like they just happened to be strolling past, whip what ever it was they wanted burn into it as fast as they could and wander off again, equally nonchalantly.

"...Nothing," came the answer from a man standing near him.

"Um...That's a humongous bonfire," Rukia helpfully pointed out. "It is clearly not nothing."

"Yeah, it's kind of obvious."

_**You mean like as obvious as your rescue complex**_?

"Shut up, Hichigo, I _don't_ have a rescue complex."

Everyone inside and outside of his head sorted of shifted around awkwardly.

"I do not!"

No-one said anything.

"Oh, for the...Rukia, you know me the best out of everyone here. Do I have a rescue complex?"

"Um..." She raised an eyebrow. "You do remember the whole thing with the Sokyoku...And my execution...And you stopping that by rescuing me?"

"...Well, yeah, but that was once."

"You rescued Orihime from the hollow her brother had become."

"Yeah, okay, twice."

"Almost every time you kill a hollow you're rescuing someone at the same time."

"Oh, you're no help," he exclaimed in disgust. "Renji, you tell them..."

Renji looked up. "Hehe, do you know Hichigo has fantasies of walls...and vegetables...AT THE SAME TIME!"

Ichigo shuddered. "Unfortunately."

"And he describes them...IN GREAT DETAIL...when you're asleep?"

The red-head looked at him for a moment before deciding, "okay, wrong person to ask. Can I ask someone who is NOT traumatised?"

Sentaro put a hand on his heart. "I don't believe you have a rescue complex!"

"I believe you have a rescue complex even less!" Three guesses who that was.

"Oh, you're just copying me."

"No, you're a mind-reader who's copying _me_."

"Stop!" shouted Ichigo. "Okay, let's try this _again_. Can I ask someone who is NOT traumatised and/or COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT!"

"You didn't rescue me," said Byakuya's hair, sounding as if it would sniff it it had a nose.

"I don't think so!" yelled a random from the now-listening members of Division Six.

"I like ponies," smiled Renji. "They don't talk about their various and many fetishes."

"You," Ichigo said as he pointed to Byakuya's hair. "Are hair. You count as irrelevant."

"Oh," the hair sounded disappointed.

"You," Ichigo pointed to the random in the crowd. "You aren't included in this conversation! In fact, I don't think I've ever even talked to you in my life! You're more irrelevant than the damn hair!"

"Well, excuse me," huffed the random.

"And you," Ichigo pointed at Renji. Renji began singing, "sunshine and lollipops..." Ichigo sighed. "I don't have the heart to traumatise you any further, since you are clearly out of your little mind."

"I _like_ ponies."

"You said." Ichigo turned to Byakuya. "You! Byakuya, do I have a rescue complex?"

"Yes."

"...Not helping," frowned Ichigo. "Fine, but you know what? I'll just ask Zangetsu."

"Yeah, the voice in your head. That's going to swing the argument." Rukia commented.

"It will in my mind, and since that is where it all started, that's what counts!" Ichigo folded his arms smugly. "So, how about you, Zangetsu, do I have a rescue complex?"

Zangetsu was silent.

"Zangetsu?" The smugness was fading. "Come on, help me out here."

**...I do not wish to lie.**

They saw Zangetsu's answer by Ichigo's expression. Rukia clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Ichigo, acknowledgement is the first step to being cured!"

"Shut up, Rukia." Ichigo sighed. "Anyway, now that we've gone completely off tangent, can we return to the original subject?"

"...Yeah, like how the raging bonfire is clearly not nothing," Rukia agreed.

"Yeah, that's definitely not nothing."

"Not nothing at all."

"That's most definitely something."

"I _like_ ponies," smiled Renji.

"...And that's getting kind of creepy. The point is, that is not nothing," Ichigo finished.

"Now, answer me again," urged Byakuya. "What is it?"

"A fire," answered the man nearest to them, who had tried to edge away a few times but been held in check by Byakuya's fierce glare.

"Good, we're getting somewhere," congratulated Byakuya. "So what is the fire burning?"

"...Nothing."

"Okay, does anyone ELSE really not want to repeat the last five minutes?" called Rukia. "Raise your hands is you DON'T."

She raised her hand.

Byakuya raised his.

Kiyome and Sentaro rose theirs, having a miniature fight over who could raise their hand first.

Byakuya's _hair_ raised. He smoothed it back down again.

Ichigo's hand raised.

Every other Soul Reaper present except one raised theirs. Everyone stared at that one, who was Renji.

"He's traumatised, he doesn't count," dismissed Ichigo.

"As we have just proven, no-one who counts wants to repeat the previous five minutes, so let me summarise this for you," Byakuya said menacingly to the man. "There is a raging bonfire right in front of me. As everyone knows, fire can not burn by itself. Fire needs the oxygen in the air. Fire needs something dry to burn on. So far we have confirmed that the bonfire has one of those needed ingredients, oxygen, which we can confirm by breathing as opposed to dying. But the other...It needs the other. Otherwise the fire does not exist. Since the fire very clearly DOES exist, there must be some sort of material it is burning. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Captain."

"So, what is the conclusion?"

"That this fire doesn't exist." The man's eyes gleamed like someone who had just found hope when previously there was only certain death. "And nothing is being burned."

Byakuya looked at the raging fire. He looked back at the man. "Of course. I must be mistaken."

"Huh?" stated Ichigo.

"What?" chorused the two third-seaters.

"Brother?" questioned Rukia.

"Byakuya?" his hair said.

"This fire does not exist," Byakuya nodded. "And it is burning nothing."

"That's right, Captain," agreed the man in the tone of someone who is completely lost but happy to go along with what ever is occurring seeing as it seems to be keeping them alive.

"And it is therefore NOT burning the remnants of a traitorous little party held last night in which signs were made which called me odd names and a straw figure of me was burned."

"...Of course not, Captain."

"And therefore, since there are no such remains of such a party and obviously you ARE NOT burning them, there was no party."

"...Obviously, Captain."

"Um...Captain Kutchiki?" asked a timid voice. Everyone turned and looked at a dark-haired man bearing a very large package. "I have a package here for you."

He handed Byakuya the man-sized doll.

Byakuya looked at it. He looked at the crowd. He said, "this IS NOT another straw figure of me, possibly badly made to make fun of me, meant to be burned at first opportunity, possibly at another of the parties which did not happen last night. It does not exist. Therefore, I am throwing it onto the ground here. Where a fire does not exist. If anyone objects to this, raise your hand."

Hanatarou didn't raise his as he was too confused over just what was happening.

Only one hand was raised.

Everyone looked at Renji and his raised hand. "I liiiiiike ponies."

"He's traumatised, he doesn't count," Ichigo supplied, gently pushing down Renji's hand.

"Good. Now I am walking away from the fire that does not exist." They all walked out, passing Hanatarou. Byakuya paused. "You may want to move those children away from the non-existent fire."

"Yes, Captain," conceded a confused Hanatarou. "Come on, Captains..."

Byakuya looked down. "_Captains_?"

"It's a long story," explained Hanatarou tiredly. "Beginning with two mysterious vials in the Twelve Division lab and Yachiru and ending with the Captains like they are now."

"Ah. I would invite you to tell it to me in my office but I, rather unfortunately, do not seem to have one at the moment. Which remind me. Kurosaki?"

Ichigo looked up. "Yeah?"

"Take Renji and go fix my office. And that other room, too."

"But...Renji..." They looked at the traumatised Renji, who would clearly be unable to help build anything.

Byakuya sighed. "Lieutenant, your eyebrows are strange and would be more suitable on a monkey who had just had an accident with a shaver than on any respectable Soul Reaper."

Renji leaped up from where he had been crawling after them. "What did you say!...Oh, Captain, I..." An expression of confusion crossed his face. "...I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."

"It is good to see you are sane," commented Byakuya.

"Thank you, Captain."

"Now go fix my office."

"Wait...can we just stop that right there?" asked a confused Ichigo. "Just how did that happen? Renji...How did you manage to make him go from traumatised to sane by insulting him?"

"That's easy," Rukia jumped in. "Renji's eyebrows are his babies. You need permission to insult them, like I have, or you risk injury and possibly death. If you don't have permission and insult the eyebrows then Renji goes a little crazy."

"But...That still doesn't make sense-"

"Look at it like being driven so insane that going any further is kind of like going in a sane-to-insane circle."

"...Ah." Nodded Ichigo. "Well, now that that's sorted I'm just going to go have myself a nice, long bath-"

"After you fix my office."

"I was hoping you'd forgotten that," Ichigo said sadly.

"No. Now go fix it," Byakuya ordered shortly.

"Come on, Carrot-top," Renji began as he and Ichigo walked away.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME, EYEBROWS!"

"DO YOU WANT TO DIE?"

"At least they're arguing again," Rukia noticed approvingly. "Instead of Renji curling into a small, traumatised ball and Ichigo arguing with himself."

"Though, if Ichigo starts commenting on the state of Renji's eyebrows, that will probably change," replied her brother.

"Are we going to see Kitty now?" asked a soft, sweetly dreamy voice. The two Kutchiki siblings and Hanatarou looked down.

"Not just yet, but soon," replied the medic. The toddler Soifon smiled.

Soifon's soft, dreamy, sweet appearance was in direct contrast with the toddler Hitsugaya, who jumped up, smacked Hanatarou over the head with his lollipop and promptly resumed trying to bite it, despite the fact that it seemed to be made of some kind of sweetened concrete.

"There are two responses to this situation," Byakuya stated coolly. "One is to scream and run away, which is much more tempting than it sounds. However, seeing as I am a Captain and, more importantly, seeing as I'm a Kutchiki, that option is out. The other is to immediately kick those two out of my Division before they do irreparable damage. Therefore, the obvious thing I must do here is to say that I want those two fiends out of my Division."

"Oh, brother, they aren't fiends," remonstrated Rukia as she stepped towards Soifon. "The toddler Soifon -this is Soifon, right, Hanatarou?" He nodded. "The toddler Soifon is actually really sweet."

"Rukia I didn't know you liked kids," voiced Hanatarou.

"I don't mind them. What really shocked me in the human world was how casually everyone treated children and pregnancy."

"Yeah, I noticed that too," agreed Hanatarou. "Even so, the human world kind of grows on you."

_Especially when it is completely devoid of anyone wielding incredibly powerful Zanpakto's with which they could hurt me_, thought Hanatarou happily. _Even though more people there could probably beat me up anyway. With one hand tied behind their back. And a blind fold_.

He was suddenly feeling a lot less favourable to the human world.

"Yeah, it does," nodded Rukia. "I keep finding myself doing all sorts of human things."

Byakuya froze. _Pregnancy...Doing all sorts of human things...Rukia couldn't be..._His eyes travelled to Rukia, who was smiling as she crouched in front of Soifon. _...But who could she...I mean, she and Renji have never been -Ichigo Kurosaki_.

He was going to kill him.

"Hey, sweetie, that looks like a cute toy," Rukia crooned. "Can I see?"

"_**No. My kitty**_."

Rukia leapt back. "I think I just saw the devil."

"Yeah, she gets like that sometimes," gloomily admitted Hanatarou as he rubbed his sleep-deprived eyes.

"...She does?" Rukia looked at him. "And you still take care of her?"

"I'm hoping that she'll want to stay with Lady Yoruichi-"

"Kitty?" asked Soifon hopefully.

"Yes, Kitty, very soon."

"What if she doesn't want to take care of her," asked Rukia.

"Like I said, I'm hoping she'll want to stay with Lady Yoruichi." Hanatarou repeated. "Yes, Soifon, soon."

"But that doesn't answer my-"

"Do you honestly think that, if Soifon wants to stay, anyone will be able to move her?"

"...Point."

"Excuse me..._You_," Byakuya said in tones which made Hanatarou want to hide. "Would you carry a message to Ichigo Kurosaki for me? I would go myself but my sister would probably not be very happy with me if I destroy her friend."

"Oh, for the love of...Could you not be on a murderous rampage with Ichigo as your target for I don't know...Two minutes?" exclaimed Rukia, picking up on his tone.

"Could I cut of Kurosaki's head for...I do not know...Two minutes?"

"Yes, Captain, I can take a message," replied Hanatarou timidly.

"Would you tell him that if he doesn't leave Division Six in a very short amount of time the next time he wakes up it may or may not be as a eunuch?"

"Byakuya!" exclaimed Rukia.

Terrified by Byakuya's gaze, Hanatarou consented.

#

Zaraki looked at the Sake and nodded. It was the right brand. Yachiru, who had been combing her pony in the corner, looked up and smiled. "You got more Sake!"

"Yeah...By the way, Yachiru, how come you're still keeping your pony in here? I made Pansy clean up the stables."

"Oh, they're still being cleaned by a bunch of people in green. They kept whining about stuff like 'toxic waste'. What's toxic waste, Kenny?"

"The stuff they're cleaning out."

"Oh."

Zaraki looked at the boxful of bottles. "Ah...This stuff is the best. I am confused about something, though."

Yachiru blinked at him. "What about, Kenny?"

"How the hell did that kid get through a whole damn crate of this stuff? I mean...You can only get through half of one, and you're best drinker I know."

Yachiru smiled. "Teehee, Kenny, you're so sweet! But Droopy didn't drink it all by himself!"

"...He didn't?"

"No, silly. He drank a cup and fainted."

"...That's really just...Pathetic," an aghast Zaraki exclaimed. "I'm ashamed to admit that that guy and me are of the same gender. Where is his sense of manliness?"

Yachiru thought about it. "Hm...Probably in his undies."

Zaraki coughed a little. "Wh-what?"

She looked up at him innocently. "Well, he couldn't have hidden it anywhere else, could he? It would fall out of his trousers or sleeves, and he doesn't have any pockets. So it's got to be in his undies!"

"...Of course it does," Zaraki gave up, patting Yachiru's head. "But -wait...If he only drank a cup then who drank the rest?"

"Hm...Well, there was me and Big Boobies and Itchy and a whole bunch of people."

"A whole bunch of people?"

"Yeah, at my drinking party."

"Your drinking party?"

Yachiru pointed and laughed. "Ha, Kenny, you're a parrot, because you're repeating everything I say!"

"...You drank my best Sake at a drinking party?"

"Uh-huh." She looked at Kenny and her smile disappeared. "I didn't do anything...wrong, did I, Kenny?"

Zaraki looked at her and sighed. "Nah. Just invite me next..." He froze. His bells twitched. A maniacal grin spread itself across his face.

"Uh-oh," giggled Yachiru.

"Did you say," began Zaraki in a voice which was somehow silkily dangerous without losing any of it's roughness. "Ichigo?"

"Itchy, yeah, he was there."

"Ichigo Kurosaki is here?"

"If he hasn't left."

"Good," breathed the Captain as he stood, grinning. "BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GO HUNT HIM DOWN AND FIGHT HIM!" He ran out of the office, drawers or no drawers, shouting, "HERE I COME, ICHIGO!"

#

"Ah!" Ichigo exclaimed as a shudder went through him.

"What?" demanded Renji.

"I just feel like someone stomped across my grave wearing big, heavy boots."

The other blinked. "Huh?"

"...It's a human saying."

"What ever," replied Renji as he went back to cleaning out Byakuya's office. Ichigo had stopped insulting his eyebrows very shortly after he and Renji began making their way to Byakuya's office. Someone waving a Zanpakto in your face while you have no a such aforementioned thing will do that to a person.

Which reminded Ichigo. Where was Zangetsu?

**If you wish, I could direct you to my whereabouts,** offered the calm voice in his head.

_**Suck up**_, commented Hichigo needlessly.

"You could have offered a little earlier," grunted an annoyed Ichigo.

**The opportunity did not arise, and I had the strong suspicion that you would break into my whereabouts to retrieve me if you had known. **

"What would be the problem with that?" inquired Ichigo.

**Because you would have promptly been killed.**

"Why? Where is it?"

"Uh...Ichigo?" asked Renji, who had been staring at Ichigo for some time. "Are you...feeling okay?"

"Yeah, fine. So, Zangetsu? Where is it?"

Zangetsu told him.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

#

Makizou the Oompa Loompa curled up in a little ball and began singing random songs as Captain Mayuri began doing strange and unusual things to his various organs again, having taken a small break for a late morning tea.

Nemu watched this and wondered if she should help.

Then she listened to the Oompa Loompa's song and decided that she would do the Macarina naked in front of everyone in the Seireitei before attracting Mayuri's attention when he was in his 'experiment mercilessly and cruelty mode'.

#

Ichigo snuck into the place Zangetsu had revealed his location as, really, really hoping that Byakuya wouldn't catch him.

Byakuya's big brother complex would probably explode from being on overdrive if he caught a guy rooting around in Rukia's bedroom.

He slipped into the bedroom, closed the door behind him and looked around.

_**Oh, god, it's like a shrine to everything not manly**_, moaned Hichigo. _**I just want to burn this whole room.**_

Ichigo had to echo those sentiments.

The entire room had been pimped out in everything which could be classified as vaguely cute. The bed was small and pink with a big bow at the head of it. There was an entire wall devoted to stuffed toys, most of which had long ears like a rabbit's, even if they weren't necessarily rabbits.

Ichigo shuddered as he stepped onto the fluffy white carpet with pink splotches. It was like walking on marshmallows.

Extremely cute marshmallows which Ichigo would no doubt see in his nightmares for being so adorably horrifying.

Ichigo grimaced as he walked across the room.

**She hid me under the bed**, murmured Zangetsu in his ear.

"Okay," nodded Ichigo as he knelt and reached under the bed.

"Looking for something?" asked a female voice.

Ichigo sat up hurriedly, which turned out to be a mistake as it caused him to bang his head on the edge of the bed. "Ow."

"Ha, suck," said a chorus of voices which Ichigo immediately recognised as Byakuya's hair.

This would have been annoying enough if it were not for the fact that Byakuya's hair was, unfortunately, attached to Byakuya.

"Is there any particular reason," began the icy voice which Ichigo had been dreading. "That you are in my sister's bedroom?"

Ichigo very slowly withdrew from under the bed. He stood up. Byakuya was looking at him. Rukia stood beside him, looking annoyed.

"If looks could kill," muttered Ichigo.

_**Then by now you would be dead, buried, dug up again, sacrificed to the moon, burnt, put back together and resurrected so you could be burnt alive, stomped on, mashed, ripped apart, shredded, blended, fried and served on toast**_, finished Hichigo.

"I asked you a question," pointed out Byakuya helpfully.

"Uh...Yeah, you see-" began Ichigo.

"Could it possibly be that you were getting under the bed so you could lie in wait for her?"

"...What?"

"And wait until she was helpless to your Ryoka charms?"

"...What?" This time it was both Rukia and Ichigo.

"And seduce her and impregnate her-"

"Okay, big brother's going in the closet," Rukia announced as she seized Byakuya and threw him in the closet. A moment of realisation quickly passed over her face and she grabbed Ichigo and dragged him out.

"But I haven't found Zangetsu-"

"If you want to live then leave him," she snarled, dragging him outside, leaving a confused Hanatarou behind.

"Why are you dragging me out here like this?" exclaimed Ichigo furiously.

"Because you probably wouldn't like it if I left you back there!"

"Why not?"

"Because I hid Sebonzakura in my closet!"

As Hanatarou watched the closet began shivering. It then exploded outwards. Byakuya stood there, his sword raised in front of him, ready to kill.

Hitsugaia stood in front of him, took the lollipop out of his mouth and threw it at the enraged Captain. "Bad Byakuya," reprimanded the toddler. "No more closets for you."

"Uh...W-we'll be going now," Hanatarou stuttered. "Come on Hitsugaia...I'll give you a lollipop if you come this way!" Hanatarou hurried out, the white-haired toddler rushing after him.

Byakuya looked around. Not seeing Ichigo, he sighed and reached up to remove the lollipop, which had become stuck to his hair.

"NO!" screamed the hair. "MINE!" It then began laughing like a strange, black hyena. Byakuya gave up, deciding that, if his hair wanted a lollipop, it would have one.

After all, he wasn't going to argue with his damn hair.

He didn't have time. He wanted to go Ichigo hunting.

#

Ichigo was sad. Rukia had decided that it wasn't good enough to just kick him out of Division Six, she also kicked him out of the Seireitei.

Actually, his leaving the Seireitei also had something to do with the fact that he heard something which sent shivers of fear down his spine.

"ICHIGO, OH IIIIIIIIIIICHIGO! COME OUT AND PLAY!"

Seeing as he didn't even have Zangetsu to help him, he left and was now at home. And he still did not have Zangetsu. Which was why he was sad. He went to his room and lay down. He was bored again, and still sad.

Something attracted his attention. Ichigo stood up and looked out of his window. Something was coming for him.

He backed away from the window hurriedly as a big red thing came through and splattered against his wall.

"Oh, for the love of...Not again. Do you have any idea how long this stuff takes to clean off!" remarked Ichigo, irritated, as the red goop trailed down his wall, leaving words behind it. _Come over to Urahara's store. _Ichigo sighed and prepared to go out as he saw the sign-off line, but he paused as he saw a PS. _PS- if you're thinking how hard this stuff is to clean off then you are a lazy slacker. Shame on you_!

"...Uh...Bankai in two days? Rescuing Rukia? Any of this ringing a bell? And you call that lazy?" he asked exasperatedly. But the red goop was not finished.

_PPS- achieving Bankai in two days and rescuing Rukia doesn't count._

Ichigo sighed in resignation. "Fine, I'll go." He left without seeing the next line.

_PPPS- good boy._

"You're kidding me, right?" Ichigo asked when he arrived at Urahara's store.

"I couldn't believe it myself," reluctantly admitted Uryu, who was there too.

"You invited me all the way out here for a damn tea party?"

"Well..." Urahara trailed off as he set a cup in front of Ichigo. "Look at it more as a gathering amongst friends."

"...A tea party. You threw one of those stupid red goopy message things through my window to ask me to come to a tea party. HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF A PHONE?"

"I have to ask that question myself," admitted Uryu.

"Oh, you two have no sense of humour," smiled Urahara. "Now drink up."

"So where are the others?" asked Ichigo as he sipped his tea.

"Who? You mean Jinta, Ururu and Tessai?"

"Yeah. Chad and Orihime too."

"I don't know. I woke up this morning and the first three were gone. I'm not sure about Chad or Orihime."

"Uh...Actually, I think I can answer that," Uryu told the others as he set down the cup he had just drank from. "I left them all at Orihime's place."

"What were they doing there?" asked Ichigo casually.

Uryu's eyes took on a haunted air. "Orihime decided she wanted to have a breakfast together to celebrate our survival."

"By immediately killing them with her cooking?" inquired Ichigo.

"That doesn't sound that bad," Urahara said. "We'll just give them a call-"

"Funny how you only think of that now as opposed to when you threw a red paint thing through my window," Ichigo muttered maliciously. "At least I hope it's paint. Because, you know, it would be really creepy if it wasn't."

"Oh, it's not easy as giving them a call," continued Uryu, staring off into his own world. From the expression on Uryu's face it wasn't a very nice world.

"And why not?" inquired Urahara curiously from behind his fan.

"Because _Orihime is cooking._"

"So they'd be at the hospital, then?" asked Ichigo.

"Or throwing up in the safety of their own houses."

"Wait, I'm confused," Urahara paused them. "Why would Orihime's cooking make them ill?"

They two male students looked at him. Ichigo patted Urahara's shoulder. "You innocent little man."

"You hold onto that innocence," advised Uryu. "Don't let any orange-haired ladies take it from you with the deadly poison they call their food."

"Speaking of poison," muttered Urahara as he grinned fiendishly to himself.

"What about it?" asked Ichigo as he sipped his tea. Uryu had already finished his.

"Hm?" asked Urahara.

"What about poison?"

"Poison?" laughed Urahara in the spirit of frivolity. "What ever do you mean?"

"You said 'speaking of poison'," Uryu informed him, suspicion colouring his voice.

"...No I didn't."

"You did," the Quincy told him.

"...Really?"

"Yes." Uryu looked at his cup suspiciously. "You didn't...Ichigo don't drink the rest-"

Ichigo had just downed the last of his tea. "The rest of what?"

"Never mind." He turned back to the hat-wearing shop keeper. "You didn't, by chance put anything in this tea, did you?"

"Water," smiled Urahara innocently.

"No, something else."

"Tea?"

"No, something-"

"Water?"

"...You already said that," pointed out Uryu.

"Hm, so I did," Urahara noticed, hiding the bottom half of his face with his fan.

"Urahara," Ichigo pronounced the other's name warningly. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing much," replied Urahara as he raised his cups to his lips.

"Except what?" pursued the shrewd Uryu.

"Except that I may or may not have just poisoned you," mumbled Urahara quickly with his cup half in his mouth.

"...You did what?" asked Ichigo before the angry part of him sat up and literally shouted.

_**THAT BASTARD POISONED US! GET HIM, ICHIGO**_!

"Oh, I will," replied Ichigo menacingly. Some of the effect was lost as he was the only one who had hear Hichigo's urging.

_**Go Bankai!**_

"Sound good to me!" snarled Ichigo.

**Wouldn't he need me for that**? Asked Zangetsu dryly.

"Oh, yeah..." Ichigo said, disappointed.

"Are you feeling okay?" asked Urahara in concern.

"Oh, fine...apart from the SMALL FACT that I'VE JUST BEEN POISONED!"

"Now, don't you think you're overreacting?" inquired Urahara logically.

"NO, I think I'm POISONED!"

"It was an accident!" whined Urahara. "The poison looks a lot like sugar!"

"Why would poison be anywhere near sugar?" asked Uryu suspiciously.

"Because...They're best friends. More than that, actually. And want to make little poison-sugar babies together."

"...I think you just got off the sane-mobile," commented Ichigo with a good deal of resentment.

_**Maybe he and you can be best friends then**_, sniggered Hichigo. _**Cause you KILLED the sane-mobile**_.

"Shut up, Hichigo," muttered Ichigo.

"...Now I'm worried too. Are you okay, Ichigo?" asked Uryu.

"You mean besides being POISONED! AND DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE YOU TRYING TO SNEAK AWAY, HAT AND CLOGS!" Urahara sat back down. "Then yes, I'm fine."

"If you say so," Uryu told him reluctantly. He turned back to Urahara. "So, let me see this poison?"

Urahara, looking slightly guilty, took out a vial of glowing green liquid.

Uryu looked at it. "This is nothing LIKE sugar."

"...What, you mean your sugar doesn't look like that?"

"No, my sugar is not GLOWING, GREEN AND/OR LIQUID!" shouted Ichigo.

"And, if it's sugar, why do you carry it around?" asked Uryu.

"...Do you want the antidote or not?" snapped Urahara.

"YES!" both students shouted together.

"Can you pay for it?" asked Urahara snidely with a smug grin.

"...YOU'RE THE ONE WHO POISONED US!"

"And you're the one who drank it. So, cough up."

Ichigo sighed. "How much?"

"Five Billion Yen."

"...Huh?"

"It's a very expensive antidote," Urahara said simply.

"..._Five million?"_

"_Very_ expensive," Urahara repeated.

"But neither of us _have_ that much!" pointed out Uryu.

"Oh, I guess that's too bad then...Unless...No, you wouldn't want to," Urahara denied. He went on to ask sweetly, "shall I bring flowers to your funeral?"

"Unless what?" asked Uryu, feeling like he was walking into a trap.

"Unless you want to do me a little _favour_," smiled Urahara.

The others looked at him in suspicious dread. "What kind of favour?" they both asked.

#

"Kitty now?" asked Soifon in a sweet voice.

"Yes, we're going to see Lady Yoruichi now," Hanatarou told her.

"Want LOLLIPOP!" screamed Hitsugaia.

"After we go to Kitty -I mean Lady Yoruichi," Hanatarou corrected himself. "There, the Stealth force barracks are right up ahead."

"Walk faster," commanded Soifon eagerly as she caught sight of the building.

"Okay, I'll walk faster." Hanatarou broke out into a jog.

"Faster, faster," chanted Soifon as she began to run, easily outrunning Hanatarou.

"FASHTER FASHTER!" Hitsugaia joined in.

"Can't go any faster," gasped Hanatarou, already out of breath. Soifon seized his leg and proceeded to drag him there.

"FASTER FASTER!"

"FASHTER FASHTER!"

"OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" cried Hanatarou as his head came in contact with various hard objects. "STOP DRAGGING ME!"

"FASTER!"

_Crack_.

"AH, THAT WAS A WOODEN POLE YOU JUST USED MY HEAD TO BREAK!"

"We're here," Soifon told him sweetly as they arrived at the front of the stealth force barracks.

"Oh, goody," mumbled Hanatarou who was not only sleep-deprived but now, thanks to his head being dragged over a good hundred metres of ground in about ten seconds, was probably brain-deprived as well.

"WANT IN!" screamed Hitsugaia as he bean banging on the door. "WANT SHWEETSH!"

"Who's making that racket?" asked a guard.

"Stay back for your own protection," Hanatarou told him dazedly. "They bite."

Hitsugaia felt the need to illustrate this remark by gnashing his teeth.

"Hard," amended Hanatarou.

"Want IN!" screamed Hitsugaia. "Want SHWEETSH!"

"The only sweets we have in here would be Lady Yoruichi's personal chocolates," said a befuddled guard who, confronted by two toddlers and a weak-looking man, was not quite sure what to do.

"Kitty?" asked Soifon with hopeful eyes.

"I have a delivery for Lady Yoruichi," mumbled Hanatarou, swaying where he stood.

"Uh...Are you talking to me?" asked the guard. "Because you're kind of talking to a pole."

Hanatarou focused his gaze and saw that he had, indeed, been conversing with a pole. "So I am." He patted the pole in apology and turned to the guard. "I have a delivery."

"And I WANT SHWEETSH!"

"Kitty," stated Soifon dreamily.

"Well, I suppose you can come in," the guard told Hanatarou. "But the two children have to stay out here."

"NO! WANT SHWEETSH!" screamed Hitsugaia as he jumped up and bit the guard on the shoulder.

"ARG! GET OFF ME YOU BRAT!"

Hitsugaia made some muffled noises which may have been "want shweetsh".

"Now, Captain Hitsugaia," murmured Hanatarou, inaudible to the guard, who could only hear his own screaming. "How will you be able to eat sweets if you don't stop biting the nice man?"

Hitsugaia mulled this over before letting go. He gave the guard a death glare equal to that of Byakuya before saying, in a menacing tone, "you're not shweetsh."

"I want to see Kitty," Soifon told the guard matter-of-factly.

"Oh, no way am I letting any of you in after that!" exclaimed the guard.

"Want Kitty," pouted Soifon.

"Well, you're obviously not going to see her, are you?" sneered the guard. Even Hanatarou, in his dazed state, saw this was a bad idea.

A few moments later when the guard was moaning in the corner, where Soifon had tied him up using his own belt, they walked through.

"Want Kitty," eagerly said Soifon as they passed some people who gave them odd looks but didn't challenge them.

"I know," agreed Hanatarou wearily.

"Want shweetsh," huffed Hitsugaia.

"I know that too."

They passed a few more people but none of them provided an obstacle to reaching Lady Yoruichi. Most of those who would challenge them being their were quickly deterred by Hitsugaia's mean glare and those who weren't were beaten and subdued by Soifon.

Eventually they found their way to Yoruichi's chambers. Before she had become a toddler Soifon had granted the cat-woman one of the best rooms. It was large with many ornate drapes. Yoruichi was lounging on a large couch, looking through the chocolates.

"This stuff is the best," she murmured. "After tasting Seireitei-made chocolate, there is no way I could eat anything else."

"WANT SHWEETSH!" interrupted a loud scream. Yoruichi jumped. From her new post on the ceiling she watched as Hitsugaia came running in and immediately begin eating her chocolates.

"I only got those yesterday!" moaned Yoruichi, recognising the babified version of Hitsugaia. Her eyes widened. "But...Wait, where's..." She looked around and almost jumped again when two arms closed around her neck. She steeled herself for the strangulation which would follow but nothing came. Slowly, Yoruichi looked behind her and saw that, somehow, Soifon had snuck up behind her and was now hugging her from behind.

"Kitty," the miniaturised stealth force leader said in satisfaction.

"Uh...Lady Yoruichi?" murmured an exhausted-sounding voice. "I have a delivery for you." The man from the previous day came in. He looked around.

"Kitty," repeated Soifon happily.

Hanatarou looked up. "Uh, Lady Yoruichi? I don't know it you knew this or not...But you're kind of on the ceiling."

"Yes, I know," snapped Yoruichi. "What do you want?"

"Nom nom nom," grunted Hitsugaia as he rapidly demolished Yoruichi's 'shweetsh'.

"I was sent her by Urahara to deliver this package." Hanatarou held up the little box. Yoruichi jumped down from the ceiling, Soifon laughing in her ear as she did so.

"Jumpy Kitty," giggled the little girl.

Yoruichi took the box from the man and opened it. A familiar, welcome scent enveloped her. "Catnip," she murmured, touched. There was a little note attached to the lid. 'I'm sorry for over reacting. From Urahara.'

"Kitty got a present," breathed Soifon happily.

"I did," murmured Yoruichi, smiling. "I guess I'm just going to have to forgive him. But one thing I don't know...Who told Urahara about the drinking party?"

"That was me." The words were pushed out by the truth pill.

Yoruichi looked at him, not smiling any more. "You did what?"

Soifon frowned. "Kitty's not happy. Want me to break the silly man Kitty?"

"Please say no," begged Hanatarou.

"I'm considering it," murmured Yoruichi.

But Hitsugaia had finished. "No more shweetsh." He had chocolate spread all over his mouth. "Now WANT MORE SHWEETSH!"

He rushed at Hanatarou and began dragging him out. For a moment all Yoruichi could do was stare. "He went through...A whole box? The box was bigger than he was." Then she realised that Soifon didn't seem particularly inclined to follow the two males. "Uh -wait! You're missing someone!"

"Want to stay with Kitty," affirmed Soifon.

"And I would rather stay alive, so I'm not going to argue with her," continued Hanatarou. "She would probably kill me if I tried."

"Want to stay with Kitty."

"Make that definitely."

"But I don't know how to take care of children!" cried Yoruichi. But they had already left. Yoruichi blinked and felt Soifon snuggle into her hair.

"Mmm...Pretty Kitty."

She felt a little warmed by that.

"Pretty Kitty with pretty hair."

Yoruichi smiled.

"Want to stay with Kitty for ever."

Yoruichi stopped smiling.

"And ever and ever and ever."

"...Crap."

Soifon giggled. "Kitty said a bad word!"

_Kitty's going to say a hell of a lot more of them_, thought Yoruichi gloomily.

#

"I feel a little guilty for abandoning Soifon," admitted Hanatarou as Hitsugaia dragged him along.

"Shweetsh!"

"And I feel guilty for abandoning Lady Yoruichi to deal with Soifon, too" Hanatarou expanded.

"Shweetsh!" insisted the white-haired toddler.

"But there wasn't much I could do. I mean, I don't think she would have willingly left."

"Shweetsh!"

"And I don't think you would willingly let me stay," continued Hanatarou.

"Shweetsh."

"I don't even know why I'm talking to you. I mean, it's not like you listen. And all you say in reply is 'sweets'."

"Shweetsh!" AFFIRMED Hitsugaia.

"There he is!" shouted a voice. Hitsugaia stopped, stopping Hanatarou with him. Hisage, Kira and Matsumoto were looking at them with vicious smiles. Matsumoto was apparently the one who had just spoken. "That's him. That's the guy who wrecked Hitsugaia's office."

"...Are you sure?" asked Hisage. "He looks kind of weedy."

"Oh, no, it's definitely him."

Hanatarou smiled dazedly. "Hello. Can I be of assistance?"

"...Again, are you sure?"

"Look," snapped Matsumoto. "Would you just beat him up already?"

"Guys, are you sure we should be having this conversation I front of a kid?" asked Kira, pointing subtlety at Hitsugaia.

"WANT SHWEETSH!"

"Look again," Matsumoto told him darkly.

Kira did. At first he didn't see. "What am I looking...Holy crap, is that Captain Hitsugaia?"

The Captain in question uttered a very un-Captain like growl. "Want shweetsh. FIGHT FOR SHWEETSH!"

"...Hitsugaia, please stop," Matsumoto said in a pained voice.

Hitsugaia looked at Hanatarou. "ATTACK, ZANPAKTO!"

Everyone looked at Hanatarou. The medic blinked and asked, a little stupidly, "...me?"

Hitsugaia seized Hanatarou around the legs just as the medic began crying, "but I'm not a Zanpakto -OOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hitsugaia had swung Hanatarou around a few times, now he brought him crashing to the ground. "Go, Zanpakto!" he commanded, which was, apparently, the 'Zanpakto's' opening spell. When nothing happened he banged his 'Zanpakto' on the ground, yelling, "BAD ZANPAKTO! BANKAI!"

"Uh...Rangiku?" asked Kira with stunned eyes. "Are you _absolutely positive_ you want us to beat this guy up together?"

Matsumoto sighed, running a hand through her hair as her Captain screamed, "BANKAI BANKAI BANKAI BANAKI BANKAI!", smashing Hanatarou on the ground with each word. "At first I thought so...But now I just really don't have the heart."

"I think he's suffered enough," noted Hisage mercifully. The other two agreed.

Hitsugaia threw Hanatarou at a wall. "GO BANKAI, ZANPAKTO!"

"This Zanpakto is going to go sleepy-byes now," murmured a semi-concious Hanatarou.

"NO! FIGHT!"

Hanatarou conceded as he stood. "Okay." He stood, swayed, and faced the three who were now looking at him with pitying eyes. "I guess I'll just have to fight you three. Please kill me quickly, okay?" He took a step and fell over in a dead faint.

"NO!" screamed Hitsugaia. Matsumoto came over to him.

"Uh...Hitsugaia? I think it's time for this Zanpakto's bedtime."

"NO SHLEEPING! FIGHT FOR SHWEETSH!"

"There's sweets at the fourth Division," pointed out Hisage helpfully.

"LETSH GO TO SHWEETSH!" commanded Hitsugaia.

Matsumoto picked up Hanatarou. "Shall we leave him at Division four?"

"Good idea."

"That would probably be best."

#

"I really do not want to be doing this," fretted Ichigo, carrying a large box with 'fragile' stamped on it.

"You think I do?" snapped Uryu in reply. He was carrying a smaller box under one arm and a cardboard cylinder in the other.

"No, you don't understand," Ichigo whispered, looking around the corner before proceeding. "Zaraki is after me."

"So what?" asked a surprised Uryu. "You're usually happy to fight anyone who is as strong as you. Or is stronger than you. Or is overwhelmingly powerful and you have no hope in beating them but you go ahead and attack them anyway."

"Yes, but this is different," muttered Ichigo as he tried to hide behind a pole. "I don't have Zangetsu."

_**Wimp**_, muttered Hichigo.

**Smart**, Zangetsu commented.

"Oh...Why is that again?"

"Rukia took it and hid it."

"...Rukia? Rukia who is maybe half your size and a fraction your strength? How did she do that."

"She guilt-tripped me until I handed it over."

"Ah. Well, we can go get it back later," Uryu said. "Until then-"

"ICHIGO, WHERE ARE YOU?" called a maniacal voice.

"Relax," Uryu looked up into the tree Ichigo had just dove into. "He's on the other side of the Soul Society."

Ichigo looked at Uryu. "I wasn't scared."

"...Of course you weren't. Look, I think that's Division Four up ahead. That's where the first two packages go."

"Right."

Uryu waited. "Ichigo, that means you've got to get down from the tree."

"Yeah, I know."

Uryu waited. "Look, do you want me to cut the damn thing down or are you going to come? The sooner we get these packages delivered the sooner we can go."

It was this which prompted Ichigo to come down.

#

"...So how is life in the Eleventh Division?" Captain Unohana asked Hanatarou as she bandaged his arm. She and Isane had been alerted when the three Lieutenants came bearing the injured medic and now she was treating him personally. It was unsaid but nevertheless understood that her doing so was a kind of apology for dragging Hanatarou into the program.

"Oh, you know," a tired Hanatarou said. "Ridiculously violent. Painful. Tiring. They work me like a slave then expect me to fight, ignoring the fact that I am a useless fighter even at my best. Playing insane, life-threatening games with the Lieutenant, who happens to be a bloodthirsty child who keeps a pony in her bedroom. Cleaning a lot. Violent, did I mention violent? You know." He shrugged. "Usual Division Eleven MONSTROSOTIES...I mean activities."

Unohana traded a glance with Isane. "I see," she said carefully.

"And how is it going for the other guy?" asked Hanatarou, looking around. "Has he killed anybody yet?"

"Actually, I'm afraid we seem to have lost him," admitted Unohana reluctantly. "There, your arm is done."

Hanatarou was looking at his arm. "Something just hit me...Figuratively, which is a change. How did I break my arm?"

"Apparently Captain Hitsugaia thought it would come off. Either that or he thought there were lollipops inside it. Lieutenant Matsumoto had to lure him away with paperwork."

"Where is the Lieutenant?" asked Isane. "I mean, Lieutenants Kira and Hisage left while ago, but she was just here..."

#

Hitsugaia chomped on the lollipop he had stolen from Unohana's lolly stash. He had several more stuck in odd places in his Captain's uniform. "DO PAPERWORK!" he screamed through the lollipop.

"I'M DOING IT!" Matsumoto screamed back, feeling somewhat humiliated that she was degenerating into having a screaming match with a babified version of her Captain while being FORCED to do PAPERWORK in a makeshift office constructed and housed IN HER OWN ROOM!

"FASHTER!" Hitsugaia ordered.

The other groaned, wondering just when Hitsugaia would revert to his normal age.

"Do work while I get more shweetsh," commanded Hitsugaia before deserting her.

Matsumoto looked around at the piles of paperwork. "You can't be ****ing serious."

#

"Thank you for fixing it at any rate," thanked Hanatarou.

"Actually, we were just wondering if you would know where he went," Unohana asked him anxiously. "We've looked everywhere for him."

"Well...You do know that he's an Oompa Loompa now, right?"

Isane stifled a snort. "Yeah, we know."

"So where would an Oompa Loompa be?" asked Hanatarou.

The three of them thought this over for a moment.

"Eating chocolate?" suggested Unohana.

"Singing songs?"

"Being kidnapped and kept as someone's pet?" The other two looked at Hanatarou. "After a while of experiencing the worst you tend to expect it."

"But who would want an Oompa Loompa? And why?" mused Isane.

"How did he actually become one, if I may ask?"

"One of the Twelve Division Captain's experimental pills he took by mistake," Hanatarou told them.

"I do wish that Captain Kurosutchi would store his pills better," remarked Unohana sadly before looking up, realisation in her face. "Perhaps the Captain decided to do a few experiments on Makizou to see how an Oompa Loompa's physique is different from that of other Soul Reapers?"

"Maybe he did-" began Isane.

"SHWEETSH!"

"DON'T HURT ME!" screamed Hanatarou, pulling the covers over his head as Hitsugaia entered.

"BAD ZANPAKTO! QUIET!"

Hanatarou whimpered a little.

"Now, now, Captain Hitsugaia," reprimanded Unohana gently. "It's not nice to shout at people."

He looked at her and saw a walking candy dispenser. "Want shweetsh pwease," he said sweetly.

Unohana smiled. "Good boy, saying please like that. Of course you can have some more sweets." She gave him another lollipop. He smiled and stuck it in his miniaturised Captain's uniform. "Now what do you say?"

"...More pwease?"

"No, you say thank you."

"Fank you," echoed Hitsugaia obediently, smiling at the walking candy dispenser.

"Good boy." She patted him on the head. With anyone else he would have bitten and possibly kicked them, but seeing as it was his waking candy dispenser, Hitsugaia let it slide.

"Delivery for Captain Unohana," announced a male voice. Uryu stood in the doorway.

"Oh, hello," smiled Unohana as she recognised him. "Who is it from?"

"Urahara."

"Oh!" she smiled wider. "That must be the earth medicine I wanted."

"Hey, Ichigo," Uryu prodded another person who was out of sight. "He's not here."

Ichigo slunk into the room warily and sighed in relief when he saw no Zaraki in sight. He handed the large package to Unohana. "Here."

"Thank you," she thanked him as she took the package.

"I think this one is yours too," noted Uryu as he handed her the small box. Unohana thanked him and opened it.

"Oh, no, I asked this one to be wrapped separately because I wanted it to go straight to Captain Ukitake," she gave it to Ichigo. "If you would be so kind as to take it there for me?"

"Seeing as we're already being exploited, we may as well do that too," sighed Ichigo.

"Whooooaa..." said Hitsugaia from where he stood. Uryu and Ichigo looked around.

"Is that..."

"It can't be..."

"He was accidentally force fed something that turned him into a toddler," explained Hanatarou wearily.

"Oh, hey...Uh..." began Ichigo.

"Hanatarou."

"I knew that."

"Want it!" exclaimed Hitsugaia forcefully.

"Huh?" asked Ichigo. "Why is he staring at me like that?"

"I don't think he's staring at you," remarked Uryu as he examined the direction of the toddler's gaze. "I think he's staring at...your hair."

"Sho orange," muttered the white-haired toddler with round eyes. "And shpiky."

"Um...Okay, that guy I kind of creeping me out now," Ichigo said as he backed off a step. "I think it's time for us to go-"

"NO! WANT ORANGE AND SHPIKY!"

"AH, GET OFF ME!" yelled Ichigo as Hitsugaia leapt on top of him and grabbed a few handfuls of his hair.

"We should probably help him," Unohana said worriedly as she watched.

"I'm an invalid. I'm happy to stay out of it," Hanatarou told her. "And, besides, IT'S FINALY SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME WHO'S BEING TORMENTED!"

"I would help but I'm not quite sure how," Isane told Ichigo apologetically.

"GET HIM OFF!" screamed Ichigo, trying to drag Hitsugaia off.

"OR-ANGE AND SHPIK-EY OR-ANGE AND SHPIK-EY!" chanted Hitsugaia happily, refusing to let go.

"Uh...okay," Isane conceded, walking up to Hitsugaia and seizing him around his waste. "Come on, Captain, it's time to let go now."

"NO, _MY_ ORANGE AND SHPIKY!"

"JUST PULL HIM OFF!" Isane followed Ichigo's orders. "AH! STOP THAT!"

"BUT YOU TOLD ME TO!" now yelled Isane, infected with the screaming bug.

"Ichigo, he's obviously not going to get off," pointed out Uryu. "And if you stop struggling it's not going to hurt any more."

"What -just OW THAT WAS MY EAR! Just let him stay there?"

"Have you got any other ideas?"

Ichigo had to concede that Uryu had a point and reluctantly stopped trying to pull the little boy off his head. The boy in question happily straddled Ichigo's neck, running his tiny fingers through Ichigo's hair, looking at the colour and shape of it in rapt fascination.

"So what now?" asked Ichigo, a little creeped out by the whole thing. "We just take him with us?"

"That's the only thing we can do," Uryu pointed out.

Ichigo sighed. "Then I guess we'll just have to take him along." He looked at the other three. "Sorry about this."

"I don't mind," Isane said quickly.

"Take him as long as you wish," smiled Unohana.

"Please keep him for ever," begged Hanatarou.

"Guess it's time for us to go then," muttered Ichigo. "Where's Ukitake?"

"Division thirteen."

"Right. Thanks." He and Uryu left, accompanied by the farewells of Hanatarou, Unohana and Isane.

"Uh...Captain Unohana?" asked Hanatarou tentatively.

"Yes,...Uh..."

"Hanatarou Yamada."

"Yes, Yamada?"

"Could I maybe stay here a while?" asked the medic in a rush. "Instead of going back to Division Eleven."

"Yes, you're injured. You can stay here."

Hanatarou sighed in relief. "Thank you, Captain."

"I'll leave you alone now," smiled Unohana. "Come along, Isane." She and the Captain left. Hanatarou relaxed.

After a while he said, "ah, now I remember. _This_ is what peace feels like."


	9. How the MixUp Happened

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its associated fictional character or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day Three**

"Ichigo, you know this would be over much faster if you didn't insist on hiding in every possible hiding place we passed," Uryu told him.

"I have good reason to hide."

_**Coward.**_

"Shut up, Hichigo."

"Just who is this 'Hichigo' you keep mentioning?" asked Uryu casually. Too casually.

"I'm not nuts."

"...Sure you aren't."

"I'm not!"

"I know you're not."

"Then why did you pause?"

"...No reason."

"YOU DID IT AGAIN!"

"Oh, look, there's Division Thirteen," Uryu said, welcoming the distraction.

Ichigo looked. "So it is."

"Ish dere shweetsh?" asked Ichigo's passenger.

"Probably not," replied Ichigo.

Miniature Hitsugaia put his hands through Ichigo's hair. "Sho...Shpikey. And sho..."

"Orange?" asked Ichigo as they neared the Division thirteen barracks.

"Orange," agreed Hitsugaia.

By this time they had reached the doors of the thirteenth Division Barracks. Uryu knocked on the door. "Hello?"

"Who is there?" asked someone harshly.

"We're here to make a delivery to Captain Ukitake," announced Uryu.

"Who from?"

"Captain Unohana."

"Oh. In that case, come on in," the voice said, sounding much more amiable.

"Does it occur to you that the security here is really lax?" muttered Uryu.

"Probably because they're all too busy having issues to make it better," replied Ichigo resentfully.

"You're just annoyed because you're carrying around a small version of one of the Seireitei elite and he won't get off," muttered Uryu as they were led through the barracks.

"You say that like it's unjustified."

From about that time they began to hear an argument.

"...So just where were you two again?"

"We were with Captian Kutchiki, Captain, like you asked us to."

"I asked you to take care of him, not stalk the poor man."

"Forgive me, Captain, I have misinterpreted your orders and must pay the price."

"No, that won't be necessary-"

"I misinterpreted your orders worse and must pay more!"

"No, really-"

"You're just saying that because you're trying to copy me!"

"I am not!"

"You are so!"

The two, who were being led by one of the guards, became aware that the argument was coming from the door at the end of the hall, which they were heading for.

"Could you two please stop-" the plea was interrupted by a series of hacking coughs.

"Captain, allow me to administer your medicine!"

"No, I can do it better!"

"No, I can!"

"Give (cough) me the (cough) medicine!"

"Yes, Captain." That was the both of them. After a short while, just as they almost entered the doors, they heard a voice saying, "with how much you two argue it's a miracle you stop long enough to give me my medication. I'm almost amazed you two haven't just kept arguing while I was slowly dying in the corner."

"Captain Ukitake," announced their guard. "Two visitors for you."

"Send them in," invited the Captian. The guard opened the door and let them inside.

Ichigo saw Kiyome and Sentaro. "Oh, not you two!" He almost turned around and walked straight back out again. Almost. "Weren't you two busy stalking Byakuya?"

"Yes, but he got annoyed at my annoying presence and kicked us out," explained Sentaro.

"My annoying presence was more annoying."

"No, for I am the KING of annoying-"

"The king of LOSERS more like it."

"HA! So you admit I am the bigger loser than you?"

"No, I never did!"

"You did just then!"

"...But I am still the king of annoying."

_**You're telling me**_, muttered Hichigo insolently. _**Question: do those two EVER just stop? I mean, seriously, they must stop some time, even if it's because they run out of oxygen.**_

"Would you two stop before you collapse from oxygen deprivation again?" asked an exasperated Ukitake.

_**Oh, well that answers that question.**_

"Normally I would be glad about that because it would NORMALLY mean a few hours of peace but it's even more disturbing and a little creepy when you argue in a SEMI-CONCIOUS, SUFFOCATING STATE!"

_**...Now why can't you do that, Ichigo? Do stuff when you're not fully conscious. It would mean you could fight both awake AND asleep.**_

It** would mean he would almost die twice as many times.**

_**Hell, I'm not complaining.**_

"Yes, Captain," the two third-seaters reluctantly retreated.

The weary Captain turned to the visitors. "Oh...It's you two. How may I help you?"

"We have a delivery," Ichigo told him, throwing the box at the Captain. This was a mistake as it set off the two argumentative third-seaters yet again.

"IT'S A BOMB!" screamed Sentaro as he dove for it. "I'LL SAVE YOU, CAPTAIN!"

"I'LL SAVE YOU FIRST," Kiyome dove for it too. Seeing as they were both 'saving' Captain Ukitake from the 'bomb', this really only had one conclusion.

_Crash_.

"ARGH! YOU IDIOT! THE CAPTIAN MAY BE IN SERIOUS DANGER BECAUSE OF YOU!" Sentaro yelled, rubbing his head.

"WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED BACK AND LET ME SAVE HIM!"

"YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THERE IN TIME!"

"Can I point something out?" asked a seriously confused Uryu. "You do know that, if that had actually been a bomb, not only would the Captain be dead by now, and so would you two."

They blinked.

"Aren't you supposed to be protecting him or something?"

"Uh...YES BUT IT'S ALL HER FAULT!"

"HEY! WHAT? WHAT'S MY FAULT!"

"EVERYTHING!"

"I think I hear a mysterious noise outside," Ukitake quickly jumped in. "You two had better check it out."

"Yes, Captain Ukitake," agreed Sentaro before rushing outside.

"I can check it out first!" exclaimed Kiyome as she rushed out after them.

Ukitake sighed, rubbed at a spot between his brows before looking at Ichigo and Uryu. "I trust that this isn't actually a bomb?"

"No, it's some medicine from Captain Unohana," explained Uryu.

"Oh. This must be the illegal earth medicine that she told me about," Ukitake nodded as he opened the box.

"...Illegal?" asked Ichigo and Uryu together.

Captain Ukitake looked up. "Yes. I understand the man you obtained this from runs a black market system of earth goods."

"AND NO-ONE COULD HAVE TOLD ME THIS BEFORE?" yelled Ichigo.

"What's the big deal?" asked Uryu in surprise. "I mean, it seems like one of those thing everyone knows about but no-one bothers stopping. It's not like it's a big deal."

"URYU, Hat and Clogs turned us into CRIMINALS and didn't even ASK!"

"It really doesn't seem like that big a deal to me," Uryu said.

_**You rebel, Ichigo**_, praised Hichigo. _**What next? Are we going to start seducing innocent women? 'Cause, if we are, we're starting with Orihime. I mean, have you seen those boobs? They're like two countries attached to her chest!**_

"No, we are not!"

_**How about Rukia? I mean, her brother may possibly kill us, but who cares if we get some action-**_

"ARGH! BE QUIET YOU PERVERT!"

"Uh..." began Ukitake, staring at Ichigo. "Does he do this a lot."

"NO WE CAN NOT USE VARIOUS VEGETABLES! OR THE WALL, BEFORE YOU ASK!"

"All the time," replied Uryu. They watched Ichigo rage on violently, complete with hand movement , and argue with himself, also with hand movements, for a while before something struck Ukitake.

"Hang on...Isn't he already a criminal? Invading the Soul Society? Beating up everyone? Doesn't that count as making him a criminal?"

"Yes, but I think it's just before he decided to be a criminal. Now he was blackmailed into it."

"Ah!"

Ichigo had become more and more enraged, his movements becoming more and more exuberant, until finally, someone protested.

"Bad shpikey orange!" cried a little voice. "Shtop moving around sho much"

"Sorry, Toshiro" apologised Ichigo, stilling.

"Toshiro?" asked Ukitake, confused. "Captain Hitsugaia?"

Ichigo turned around so Ukitake could see the tiny form hanging off his head. Ukitake's eyes grew so round that Ichigo thought an explanation may be due. "Apparently he accidentally took some kind of solution from a lab...I think it was-"

"Twelfth Division?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"Well, that certainly explains the Captain's current...condition," Ukitake nodded, putting the box down with a happy gleam in his eye. "Aw, isn't Toshiro adorable as a little kid!"

"...Huh?" asked Ichigo, positive he had heard incorrectly.

"Does little Shiro-chan want to come to big Shiro-chan," smiled Ukitake as he held his arms out to Hitsugaia.

"Careful, apparently he-" began Uryu, thinking it was worth more than their lives to let Hitsugaia bite the Captain.

Hitsugaia looked at Ukitake with big eyes and jumped straight into his arms,

"-bites," finished a confused Uryu.

"Who's a cute little Shiro-chan," cooed Ukitake as he held up Hitsugaia. "Does little Shiro-chan want to play aeroplane?"

"PLANE!" screamed Hitsugaia in joy. Ukitake began playing aeroplane with the little Captain, Hitsugaia giggling wildly.

"...How are you doing that and not getting seriously injured?" asked a seriously confounded Ichigo.

"Didn't you try playing with him?" asked Ukitake.

"...No."

"...I can't say I did."

_**Me, I wanted to just chuck him off the nearest cliff.**_

"No-one _asked_ you, Hichigo."

"Wanna wanna wanna wanna PLAY!" commanded Hitsugaia as Ukitake momentarily stopped playing with him.

"Of course we can play," smiled Ukitake at the little Captain. "Would you like to play hopscotch?"

"YESH!"

_**Quick, Ichigo, run while you have the chance**_, urged Hichigo, and for once Ichigo agreed.

"Okay, well, we'll just be leaving n-"

"NO! ORANGE AND SHPIKEY SHTAY!"

"We may as well stay here for a while," suggested Uryu.

"Why?" questioned Ichigo.

"It's safer in here than out there."

"...Huh? How does that work?"

"Captain Zaraki is the main threat here, right?"

Ichigo shuddered. "Definitely."

"Well, if he just comes here we can just throw Captain Hitsugaia at him. That'll be enough to make _anyone_ run away."

Ichigo had to concede that this was probably true.

"You're just too cute!" exclaimed the larger Captain. He opened a tin that sat on his desk and drew a cookie. "Does the little Captain want a cookie?"

Toshiro considered this for a long moment. "Yeth."

"Your lisp just got a little worse," said Ukitake, almost trembling. "That makes you TEN TIMES CUTER. TAKE MY COOKIES!" With this, the Captain began feeding Hitsugaia the biscuits.

"…That's just going to make him worse later on-" Uryu tried to interrupt.

"Sh. Cuteness is happening," said Ukitake briefly. Uryu fell silent again.

This went on for a little while, but eventually it was time for Ukitake to leave.

"Okay, play time is over now," sighed the Captain.

"Does he sound disappointed to you?" muttered Uryu to Ichigo in disbelief.

"Yeah...Weird."

_**Like you can talk, you big overly-violent dandelion.**_

"Shut up, Ichigo."

_**Ha, suck, you just told yourself to shut up.**_

"I MEANT HICHIGO! They just sound similar."

_**Sure you did.**_

"Yes..." Uryu murmured as he eyed Ichigo. "Weird."

"I told you to stop looking at me like that."

"But wanna play," Hitsugaia told the older Captain with big, sad eyes.

"I'm sorry, I have to go-"

"CAPTAIN UKITAKE!" screamed two extraordinarily competitive voices.

Ukitake sighed, this time in resignation. "Hello, you two. What is it?"

"We got the source of the noise!"

"I got it, you just followed me."

"No, I got it, you just copied me."

"What noise?" asked a confused Ukitake.

"The one you sent us out to investigate," explained Sentaro.

It took him a moment, but Ukitake eventually remembered. "Oh...Yeah. So what was the...uh...noise?"

"This, Captain!" Sentaro announced as Kiyome victoriously held up a squirrel. It squeaked at them.

"...You're kidding, right?" asked Ichigo in a deadpan voice. "You guys were out all that time investigating a made-up noise and came back with a squirrel? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE SOUL SOCIETY HAD SQUIRRELS! And catching a single squirrel couldn't have taken you this long. What were you doing all that time, arguing?"

The two looked a little shifty.

"You were, weren't you?"

"She started it!"

"Ha! So you admit I did do something first!"

"...Yeah, but I argued better!"

"So you did spend all that time arguing?"

"...Maybe."

"Just put down the squirrel," ordered Ukitake, rubbing at a spot between his brows.

Kiyome and Sentaro traded a glance. It set up warning bells.

"What is it?" asked the Captain.

"Well...Captain...Uh, it may be slightly dangerous to-"

"The squirrel has rabies, Captain!"

"YOU INTERRUPTED ME AGAIN!"

"Can we backtrack, please?" asked Ichigo. "What do you MEAN the squirrel has rabies? Why did you bring it in, then? Or were you arguing about how to prove how tough you were and then randomly decided that catching a SQUIRREL WITH RABIES would do it?"

They looked shifty.

"...That's pathetic. I'm sorry but you guys really suck." The two opened their mouths to start arguing again but Ukitake jumped in.

"But that isn't the issue now. Now we must figure out how to remove the squirrel before it bites someone."

"Bite?" asked Hitsugaia, grinning and baring his teeth.

"No, not you," the older Captain smiled fondly as he patted Hitsugaia on the head.

But Uryu was looking at Hitsugaia thoughtfully. "Actually, that may be our solution..."

#

"Does anyone else think this is a really bad idea?" asked Ichigo from where he stood, holding a rather large baseball bat.

"It's better than any you came up with," pointed out Uryu.

"I didn't come up with any."

"My point exactly."

"Is everyone ready?" asked Ukitake.

"I'm having second thoughts about this whole thing," admitted Ichigo.

"Ready," affirmed Uryu.

"Uh...I'm not! Really not." Ichigo tried again.

"Ready!" Sentaro nodded.

"Can we just hold on for a moment?" asked the orange-headed boy.

"Readier!" Kiyome nodded.

"Okay, since no-one will listen to me I'm just going to have to make you. THIS IS AN INSANE PLAN AND WE ARE ALL GOING TO GET RABIES AND DIE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DEATHS!"

"And I'm ready, so we can start," Ukitake grinned. He turned to Hitsugaia. "Okay, little Shiro-chan, so, when I say so, show your best growly face."

Hitsugaia nodded happily. "Yesh! Gr!"

"Good Shiro-chan. And you two, be ready to drop the squirrel on my mark."

"Yes, Captain!" both affirmed enthusiastically.

"Somehow I doubt that showing a rabid squirrel Toshiro's 'growly face' is going to make it run at me," pointed out Ichigo.

"And you, be ready to hit it with the baseball bat when it runs towards you."

"And you aren't listening to me."

"Okay...DROP THE SQUIRREL!"

They did and,upon finding itself free, the squirrel promptly began hissing and spitting. Hitsugaia was prodded by Ukitake and turned to the squirrel and gave it his best 'growly face'.

The squirrel turned and ran towards Ichigo.

"What do you know, it really did make the rabid squirrel run towards me," Ichigo noted in amazement.

"ICHIGO!" everyone yelled.

Then the signals the sight of the frenzied animal running towards him had set off were finally recognised. "HOLY CRAP THERE'S A RABID SQUIRREL RUNNING TOWARDS ME!"

Ichigo drew back the baseball bat and swung with all his might. The squirrel was whacked right out the window. They heard its squeak fade off into the distance.

Ichigo looked into the distance, still with an expression of amazement. As he turned to Hitsugaia he said, "that must be one heck of a growly face-" then he saw it and shuddered. "Just looking at that expression makes me want to go hide in a closet." He shuddered again. "Well, maybe not a closet." Hitsugaia was still looking at him. "Okay, look away now, Stop looking at me. That expression is getting really creepy. Seriously, stop it. I'M GETTING FREAKED OUT!"

"Okay, little Shiro-chan, I've got to go do Captain things now," smiled the white-haired Captain as he patted Hitsugaia on the head.

"But...Wanna play!"

"Oh, I'm sure Kiyome and Sentaro would be happy to play with you."

"I would be overjoyed to play with the little Shiro-chan IT HURTS!"

Hitsugaia had begun twisting the third-seaters arm. "Only big Shiro-chan call me Shiro-chan."

Ukitake smiled fondly. "Isn't he adorable?"

"CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET HIM OFF?"

"I...suppose he is," conceded Uryu.

"SERIOUSLY, MY ARM IS GOING NUMB! KIYOME!"

Kiyome held up her hands. "This is one thing which I'm happy not to copy you in."

"HA! So you admit you copy ARGH, ARMS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!"

"I feel like I should help, but I also feel my long-lost survival instincts kicking in and telling me to sit down and shut up," Ichigo mused.

"I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM ANY MORE! THIS IS NOT NORMAL!"

"Go with the survival instincts," advised Uryu.

"...Actually, it feels better when I can't feel -OH GOD HE'S FOUND THE OTHER ARM!"

"Well, it's time for me to go now," Ukitake announced. This finally got Hitsugaia's attention. He disappeared from Sentaro's back and reappeared attached to Ukitake's leg.

He looked up at the other with big eyes. "Don't go. Wanna play shome more."

At the sight of the tiny Captain clinging to his leg Ukitake felt his heart melt. "Aw...Shiro-chan...Why can't you always be like this?"

"Wouldn't it be harder to get him off if he was like that at his normal size?" Uryu pointed out logically.

"Wanna play," Hitsugaia told the bigger Captain.

"I can't...But maybe Sentaro-"

"I'M NOT GOING NEAR THAT KID WITH A TEN FOOT POLE!"

"Or Kiyome-"

"After what happened with Sentaro? NO WAY!"

Ukitake looked at Ichigo and Uryu. "It looks like you two will have to keep on taking care of him."

"Maybe," Ichigo nodded. "If you can get him off your leg, that is."

Ukitake looked down. Hitsugaia smiled. "Wanna shtay with big Shiro-chan for ebber!"

"You could try a crowbar?" suggested the practical Uryu.

#

"Kitty, where are we going?" asked the happy Soifon.

"We're going to a shop."

"Why?"

"Because there are only two people to deal with this situation. One is the current Division Twelve Captain, who is automatically unincluded purely on the basis because he creeps the hell out of me more than anyone else-"

"Does Kitty want me to **crush him out of existence**?"

"...Make that more than anyone else except one. And the other is the man who runs the shop." The little girl opened her mouth. "And, no, I don't want you to crush either of them out of existence."

"Oh," sighed the little girl in disappointment. "But why are we going to the shop?"

"Like I said, to deal with a situation."

"What situation?"

"The one where you seemed to have permanently attached yourself to my neck."

Soifon seemed to mentally block this out, instead choosing to snuggle into Yoruichi's hair, saying, "soft Kitty hair."

Yoruichi wondered if, after Soifon had been removed, she would have the heart to send her away. It was looking as if she wouldn't.

#

Isane entered Hanatarou's room, looking grumpy. "Hey, you." She had long given up on remembering his name.

"Yes, Lieutenant Isane?" he replied. "Is something the matter?"

"Only that I was looking forward to messing around with that Division Eleven guy some more." She looked at him. "Anyway, you have a visitor?"

"_Nodon'tmakemeseethem_!"

She blinked, stepping back as Hanatarou tried to shrink into his pillow. "Whoa, what's wrong with you? All I said was that you had a visitor."

"Yes, and that's the problem!" he looked at her with large, haunted eyes. "Because do you know _who_ this visitor will be?" His voice had taken on a conspiratorial tone.

"...I do, actually-"

"It will be be some VIOLENT AND POSSIBLY INSANE MURDEREER who is HELL BENT on making my life worse, that's who!"

"...It's Lieutenant Yachiru."

"...Let me amend that, it's a VIOLENT AND POSSIBLY INSANE MURDERER who is HELL BENT on making my life worse by using LIFE THREATENING GAMES and possibly RANDOM VIALS FROM THE LAB OF AN EVIL SCIENTIST, who is ALSO hell bent on making my life worse."

Isane really had nothing to say to that.

Hanatarou sighed. "Let her in. She'll probably come in whether you let her in or not and this way she won't break your door down."

"...If you say so," Isane finally said. She left and Yachiru entered.

"Hiiiiiiii, Droopy," she smiled before looking at Hanatarou properly. "Wow, you're like a mummy. What happened?"

"A bankai-addicted child-prodigy Captain who is literally a child decided I was a Zanpakto and tried to fend off his evil attackers with me, being completely oblivious to the fact that no-one was actually attacking and, even if they had been, they would have been attacking me."

Yachiru blinked and processed this. Her mind latched on to something and she smiled. "Wow, Droopy! You didn't tell me you're a Zanpakto!"

"I didn't tell me either."

Yachiru ignored him and went off to find some bandages so she 'could be a mummy too'. She left her Zanpakto with Hanatarou, saying that he could be friends with her Zanpakto and maybe even have little Zanpakto babies together. Hanatarou, for reasons of mental scarring, filed this away in his ever growing mental file which was labelled 'DO NOT TOUCH FOR FEAR OF MENTAL INSTABILITY'.

Having nothing else to do he began to talk, quite casually, to the Zanpakto. A brief thought crossed his mind that talking to inanimate objects was what _crazy_ people did, but he decided that he liked pie and that was that.

"I'm sorry but I'm not ready for a relationship right now" he told the Zanpakto.

The Zanpakto didn't reply.

"I know, I'm sorry, but I'm just not at the right stage of my life...But I would like to be friends."

The Zanpakto was silent.

"I'm glad you feel that way too."

The Zanpakto remained mute.

Yachiru returned holding some bandages. "Now I can be a mummy too."

Hanatarou stared. "You probably shouldn't have taken them from someone who was using them."

A scream came from somewhere, a sound which suited the bloody bandages. Isane appeared, panting as if she had been sprinting. "What-" she saw the bloody bandages. "Lieutenant Yachiru, that isn't very nice."

"What isn't?" she asked with big, innocent eyes as she wound the bandages around her leg.

"Stealing the bandages."

"I didn't steal them. I took them."

"From someone who was using them. And who is now bleeding to death."

"He can get some more," pointed out Yachiru.

Isane had to conclude that it was probably true. "But that isn't exactly the point-"

"Droopy knows a lot about points!" cheerfully stated Yachiru.

Isane was lost. "Pardon?"

"He's a Zanpakto, you know," Yachiru told her consiprationally.

The older Lieutenant looked at the 'Zanpakto', who smiled weakly at her. "I like pie, Lieutenant Isane. Do you like pie?"

"Uh...I...suppose."

Hanatarou nodded in approval. "That's good to hear." He turned to Yachiru. "And you, Lieutenant Yachiru? Do you like pie?"

She gave him a big smile. "Yes! Pie is very good!" Her cheerful manner became serious. "But it's not very nice when you don't have sweet stuff inside."

"I'm not a big fan of savoury pies myself. I tried pumpkin pie once. I didn't like it."

"It sounds yucky!"

"Tasted yucky too." Hanatarou turned to Isane. "Have you tried pumpkin pie, Lieutenant Isane?"

"...No. I can't say I have."

"Don't. It's not very nice."

"I will...Keep...That in mind," she managed. "And now I'm going to...Go. And...do something. Somewhere else. That isn't...here." She edged out of the room, wondering if that was what happened when you tortured someone, deprived them of sleep, made them go through horrors that befuddle the very senses and then make them babysit two children who are not only more powerful than their babysitter but could also be counted as instruments of torture themselves.

In the room, Hanatarou turned to Yachiru. She held out her hands. "I'm a mummy!"

"I can see."

And a small corner of his cloudy, sleep-deprived and much-abused brain wondered, vaguely, why the conversation wasn't making sense any more.

#

"Okay, so the crowbar isn't working," muttered Ichigo as the combined weight of Ukitake's two third-seaters yet again failed to life the babyfied Captain from the other Captain's shin.

"NO! WANT SHIRO-CHAN!" screamed Hitsugaia.

Ukitake smiled. "Aw! You remind me of my Zanpakto!" At Ichigo and Uryu's expressions of confusion he said, "they're two little boys. Would you like to meet them-"

"If they're anything like Toshiro then HELL NO!" screamed Ichigo.

"Okay, well -oh, sorry, what was that?" Ukitake seemed to be listening to something.

_**Maybe he hears voices too**_, theorised Hichigo.

"Or maybe you should shut up."

**Perhaps he is correct.**

_**Yeah, so IN YOUR FACE, SUCKA!**_

"I said _shut up_."

"Ichigo, you're doing it again," muttered an exasperated Uryu.

Ukitake was looking at them. "Sogyo no Katawari wants to play with Shiro-chan."

"...Huh?"

"His Zanpakto wants to play with the baby Captain," explained Uryu helpfully.

"Oh." Ichigo nodded, then did a quick mental recap. "Wait, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY MORE SENSE THAN WHAT HE SAID!"

"Just watch," Ukitake told him. They did, watching as a light emerged from the Captain's blade. It extended to form two little boys with large eyes and even larger hats, holding hands.

"NOT MORE INSANE CHILDREN, I BEG OF YOU!" screamed Ichigo.

The two children smiled at Ichigo. One said, "teehee, your hair's funny. Why is it all sticky-uppy?"

The other turned to the speaker and said, "silly, it's because it wants to get as far away from his frowny face as possible."

"Hey!" exclaimed Ichigo, ignoring the sniggering Hichigo in his head, who was saying,_** they have a point**_.

Suddenly Hitsugaia growled, hugging Ukitake's leg even tighter. "Gr...MY big Shiro-chan."

"Don't you mean Ju-chan?" asked one.

"Aw...You're getting territorial," cooed Ukitake.

"You do realise that if he's getting territorial then you are his territory," pointed out Uryu.

"Oh...Right." Ukitake looked down and smiled. "Okay, little Shiro-chan, time to let go now."

"NO!"

"Aw..." sighed the Captain again. "I'm fighting an inner battle here. On one hand I can no longer feel my toes and suspect that I may lose this leg if he holds on much longer. On the other...Aw."

"'Aw' isn't an argument," Ichigo said.

"Uh...Ichigo?" asked Uryu as he looked around. "Why are you all the way on the other side of the room?"

"Are you kidding? I've had enough experience with children to last a life time! I'm staying as far away from those _things_ as possible!" exclaimed the substitute Soul Reaper, pointing a trembling finger at the two little boys.

"'Those things' happen to be Sogyo no Katawari," commented Ukitake dryly.

"I'm Sogy-chan," one waved at Ichigo.

"I'm Koto-chan," the other smiled at him.

"That's good to know. Now I know who to CURSE if you turn out like that!" Ichigo pointed at Hitsugaia, who bare his teeth at the Zanpakto spirits.

"MY! Big shiro-chan," he growled at them.

"Ju-chan."

"Our Ju-chan."

"SHIRO-CHAN!"

"JU-CAHN!"

"SHIRO-CAHN!"

"JU-CHAN!"

"Who do you think will win?" asked Uryu as he edged across the room to join Ichigo.

"I think all three of them are freaking scary little brats and I would happily shut them in a little room together and let them kill each other," said a haunted Ichigo. "but, if I had to bet money, I would say Hitsugaia."

This surprised Uryu. "Why is that?"

The two little Zanpakto spirits had now seized Ukitake's previously free leg and were holding onto it. The Captain was alternating between looking nervous and fawning over the three little boys. "I think I may possibly be looking at a wheel chair if this goes on...Which, considering that I'm also sick, it would make me the most useless Soul Reaper in the Seireitei. But I can't bring myself to move any of you, you're just all so adorable with your territoriality -OW! Now, Shiro-chan, no biting."

Hitsugaia looked up at his idol with big, apologetic eyes. "I'm shorry. Wanted to bite them." He pointed at the spirits of Sokyo no Katawari, who were glaring at him.

"OUR JU-CHAN!"

"MY SHIRO-CHAN!"

"Because he's a Captain and they're just a Zanpakto," explained Ichigo.

"But there's two of them and one of him."

"Yes, and his one is the meanest, evillest, most violent and most vindictive child which has ever and will ever walk either the Seireitei or Earth. Name any quality which even remotely hints at bad-tempered-ness or violence and it'd describe him."

Uryu looked at him with sympathetic eyes. "He really made a mark on you, hadn't he?"

Ichigo looked back with a haunted expression. "_You have no idea_."

They looked over to Captain Ukitake, who was now being tugged in two pieces by Captain Hitsugaia and his Zanpakto spirits, as if he were a Soul Reaper Tug-of-War rope.

"THIS IS REALLY NOT ADORABLE!" he screamed. "LEGS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO THIS FAR APART!"

"MY SHIRO-CHAN!" yelled Hitsugaia as he pulled.

"ARGH! I THINK I JUST LOST SOME OF MY MANHOOD!"

"OUR JU-CHAN!" replied the two Zanpakto with equal force, tugging.

"ARGH, THERE GOES THE REST OF IT!"

"Look on the bright side," Ichigo said with sudden cheer. "At least you can feel your legs now!"

Ukitake looked at him and Ichigo cringed.

"Evil and white hair goes together well," he muttered. He smiled. "Still, he'll probably be happier tomorrow."

Uryu ignored the Captain's latest scream of, "MY GROIN!" to look at Ichigo curiously and ask, "what's got you so happy all of the sudden? You were scared a second ago."

Ichigo smiled brightly at Uryu. "Because it's not me being tormented."

Uryu considered this. "True. Maybe we should help him-"

"No freaking way in hell!" exclaimed Ichigo.

_**I second that statement!**_

**I too vote that we do not interfere.**

"...Whoa. That's scary. For once I'm in agreement with myself," muttered Ichigo, amazed.

"Are you sure we shouldn't help?" asked Uryu as he looked over at the Captain. "I mean it's not...What the hell!"

"What is it?"

"Look for yourself."

"I'd rather not."

"You might as well. I'll tell you what's there anyway."

Ichigo reluctantly looked. He repeated Uryu's former statement. "What the hell!"

The three children had decided to play jump rope.

Using Ukitake.

As the rope.

"...I'm pretty sure that should be physically impossible," commented Uryu. "In fact, I'm pretty sure that's violating several laws of physics."

"This is the Seireitei. They have a fox-man as a Captain. _There are no laws of physics_."

"...Okay, this is getting ridiculous," Uryu said as he stood up, a no-nonsense tone in his voice. "We've still got to deliver something to the Twelve Division -even thought neither of us really want to- and I'm not going to stand here and watch that poor guy be tortured by three infants, one of which is a Captain, and the other two of which are his own weapon, even if I do, technically, hate his guts for being a Soul Reaper."

"If you want to get yourself killed then go ahead. But I'm not moving." Ichigo folded his arms stubbornly.

Uryu smiled without mirth. "Oh, I think you are." He turned to the other four. "Hey, you children...Soul Reaper...Whatever you are, look over here!"

They all looked, except Ukitake, who mumbled something incoherent about donkey-shaped clouds and fell into unconsciousness.

"Look at his hair!" exclaimed Uryu, pointing at Ichigo. "Do you see it?"

"Yes."

"Yesh."

"Uryu, what are you doing?" asked Ichigo, a note of trepidation in his voice.

"Do you see it's _orange-ness_?" asked Uryu seriously, dramatising the last word.

"Ooooh," they all sighed with round eyes.

"Uryu, I'm really not liking this plan," Ichigo told him furiously.

"Do you see it's _spikiness_?"

"Aaaah."

"Uryu, stop it!" ordered Ichigo, a feeling of dread rising within him.

"Don't you just want to _touch it_?"

"...I hate you," Ichigo said flatly.

"I accept that," acknowledged Uryu a little sadly.

Three pairs of hands suddenly began massaging Ichigo's scalp.

"Orange." Murmured Sogy-chan in a tone full of awe.

"Spiky." Muttered Koto-chan reverently.

"Orange _and_ shpiky!" completed Hitsugaia in tones containing awed reverence.

"Now it's time for us to go," Uryu said to Ichigo, who was glaring at him.

"I have three people _inside_ my head," muttered the other through clenched teeth. "Isn't that enough torment? Why should I have to deal with three more ON my head?"

Uryu momentarily ignored him. "You two," he barked to Ukitake's two third-seaters, who had been sort of arguing with each other the entire time over what they could do and how they could do it better than each other. They looked at him. "Take Captain Ukitake to the hospital. See if his legs have been dis-attached from him or something and, if they have, get them to be reattached."

"The hospital?" asked Sentaro in confusion.

"Division Four," remedied Uryu.

"Right!" They took their Captain, who was moaning, and began carrying him gently out of the room, thankfully not arguing.

"And you two," Uryu said as he turned to the two Zanpakto spirits. "Really should go with him."

They ignored him. "Uryu, get them off," muttered Ichigo. "Even if you have to go use the _freaking crowbar_!"

"Well, it's up to them, really," began Uryu.

"...What did you just say?" asked Ichigo dangerously.

"I mean, if they want to leave their Ju-Chan all alone and hurt-"

The two spirits looked up, blinking, as if released from a spiky, orange spell. "Ju-chan?" they asked dazedly. They looked around. "Ju-chan!" They vanished.

Hitsugaia stayed on Ichigo's head, running his fingers through the orange threads.

"I'm feeling deja-vu right now," said the depressed substitute Soul Reaper.

#

Mayuri was just starting to get bored with the Oompa Loompa. He decide to go play with his other dangerous, deadly, and just plain weird array of machines and experiments.

Then the Oompa Loompa made an a new and interesting sound which sounded vaguely like a sheep squealing and, much to Mikazou's dismay, he began experimenting on him again.

At about that time, Kyoraku walked in. "Captain Kurotsuchi?" He saw Mikazou. "Holy crap, is that a person?"

"An Oompa Loompa, to be precise. Now what do you want?" screeched Mayuri.

"Uh...My lieutenant is making me return this. She told me she'd burn all my flowers if I didn't." He held out the little vial which had been returned to him. "This came from here, didn't it?"

"...I sent that to the Fourth Division. Why do you have it?" asked the Twelve-Division Captain.

"I asked for it."

"...Why?"

Something about the other Captain's responses made Kyoraku's alarm bells ring. "I've heard this chemical has certain...effects."

"...I presume you mean it can also function as Viagra."

Kyoraku nodded.

"Only if it's distilled correctly. This hasn't been distilled correctly. If you had taken this you would now have balls where your kidney is are a kidney where your balls are."

The pink-cloaked captain winced. "...I owe Nanao. I wonder what would happen if I told her she saved my balls..."

"Just leave it there and I'll deal with it some time," snapped Mayuri.

Kyoraku paused. "Um...Just...Out of curiosity...How do you distil this stuff."

"You heat it over a flame," Mayuri told him without looking behind him. He poked Mikazou with something sharp and he whimpered.

"That's probably illegal somewhere," Kyoraku told him casually.

"Why are you still..." Mayuri trailed off as he looked behind him. "Captain Kyoraku, put the damn vial of liquid down."

"What vial of liquid?" asked Kyoraku innocently.

"The one you're heating over the flame."

His face dropped. "Look, can't I just have a little bit?"

"No."

"But Viagra makes everything fun!"

"I DID NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT!"

"Why do you even want the Viagra?" An idea occurred to Kyoraku and he shuddered. "I think I just mentally scarred myself."

"Because of the effects it's supposed to have. Now will you leave! You're interrupting something crucial to the pursuit of knowledge!"

Kyoraku looked at the twitching pile of orange. "I'll bet it is."

Mayuri waved an implement at him which looked like a cross between tongs and a pool cleaner. "Go away."

"I'm leaving," Kyoraku told the other captain as he held up his hands in surrender and backed out.

Kyoraku walked through the corridors, away from Mayuri and his creepy lab, when he heard something.

"How are we going to get this to the Captain?" mused a voice.

"Uh..." began another. "Well, Uryu...we could just _give_ it to him."

#

"Why would we do that?" asked Uryu simply.

"...What?"

"With anybody else I would accept that. I would even suggest that. But with this guy? This guy is creepier than _Aizen_, Ichigo. And Aizen _defined_ creepy."

"He can't be that bad."

"Imagine Captain Zaraki's passion for fighting translated into a passion for learning, but with Captain Kutchiki's calm attitude translated into an insane one."

There was a brief silence.

"He can't be that bad. No-one can be that bad. The universe would reject anyone that creepy. His head would explode with the sheer creepiness."

The two talkers rounded the corner. Kyoraku looked at them and recognised them for the Ryoka. "Oh...It's you two."

They looked at him.

"Oh...Right, you're the guy who put Chad in hospital," Ichigo noted without any animosity.

"Yeah...Sorry about that."

"I'd probably threaten you or something, because I'm just cool like that, but my Zanpakto is currently hidden in the freakin' scariest room ever and guarded by an over-protective brother who keeps trying to kill me at random moments," the orange-haired boy told him sadly.

"And I would probably glare at you or something because, unlike Ichigo, I'm not a violent maniac who normally attacks anyone who looks at him wrong, and am content in shooting death glares at anyone who I don't like, but I'm too busy worrying about how I can deliver a package without actually meeting the person I need to deliver it to," the other said to him, equally sadly.

"Sho orange..." Muttered someone who was attached to the back of the orange-haired boy's head.

"Goodbye," the two told him before walking off.

Kyoraku stared after them for a few moments before shaking his head and walking out.

Meeting crazy people was always fun.

Weird, but fun.

Mayuri muttered angrily to himself for a few moments before another knock came at his door. "WHAT?" he yelled.

"There is a package for you," called a voice.

Mayuri growled for a bit, putting down the tong/pool cleaner and opened the door. Nobody was there.

From around the next corridor Ichigo sniggered at Uryu. "Now who's hiding?"

"You."

"Yeah, but so are you."

"Who's there?" asked Mayuri. "I can hear you, you know."

"Be quiet," said an almost inaudible Uryu as they began sneaking down the corridor, trying to exit Twelve Division without attracting the attention of Mayuri.

But they had forgotten about Hitsugaia.

He leapt off Ichigo's head and sprinted around the corner and, before the older Captain could react, kicked him in the shin.

"Argh!" screamed the Captain. "What the...Oh. Hello little boy," Mayuri screeched in a way which would have made any mother within hearing range hide their children. "Say, do you mind if I experiment on you? You are Hitsugaia, who took my pill, yes?"

Hitsugaia looked up at him. "_Eeeeeeeew_. Your fashe ish weird. Orange-and-shpikey, come look."

Ichigo cursed inwardly. He decided, stuff everything, he was staying right where he was.

But, as Hitsugaia proved a moment later when he dragged both the substitute soul reaper and the Quincy out of their, admittedly, not very effective, hiding spot, he was not the kind of person to be ignored.

"Shee? It'sh weird," the miniaturised Captain wrinkled his nose.

Mayuri stared at Uryu.

Uryu stared at Mayuri.

Mayuri said one word which chilled Uryu to the bone.

"_Specimen_."

Uryu said one word to express all the feelings he had at that moment.

"_Crap_."

#

Unohana and Isane were talking about some very odd occurrences.

"I think we should talk to Captain Kurotsuchi," Unohana told her Lieutenant. "After all, we aren't positive he has Makizou."

"No, but we're pretty damn sure," Isane pointed out. "Who else would be weird enough to kidnap an Oompa Loompa?"

Unohana had nothing to say to that. "In that case, we should go now. After all, we have left him for quite a while...I hope he hasn't suffered too much."

"He's in Mayuri's hands. I'll be surprised if he isn't dead," Isane muttered.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing."

#

"Come, specimen, let's go do some experiments," Mayuri grinned as he reached for Uryu.

"Holy crap, he really _is_ that creepy," Ichigo said, stunned.

Uryu danced out of the reach of Mayuri's grasping fingers. "Ichigo! GET HIM THE **** AWAY FROM ME!"

Ichigo looked at him in interest. "Whoa. That's the first time I've heard you swear."

"I have a nice _toilet plunger_ waiting," Mayuri screeched in what he apparently thought was an enticing voice.

Uryu seemed to think otherwise.

"_Ichigo_!"

"You think I want to come _near_ that guy?" questioned the orange-headed boy.

Uryu and Mayuri began running rings around Ichigo and Hitsugaia, one trying to catch the other.

"Ichigo!" screamed Uryu again as he ran around Ichigo.

"What do you _want_ me to do?" Ichigo screamed back.

"I don't know -what you always do! Mindlessly attack him with no thought for the consequences!"

"Hm...That _does_ sound like me." But Ichigo couldn't attack him with nothing but air. Ichigo looked around and spotted the package. He picked it up. "TAKE THIS, CREEPAZOID!"

He threw it at Mayuri and it, miraculously, considering that he and Uryu were still chasing each other around Ichigo, hit him.

Mayuri turned to him, stopping in his tracks. Uryu stopped behind Ichigo. He looked at the cylindrical package. "Oh, another one of _those_ things."

"What? What is it?" asked Ichigo. Now that his sad -and even he had to admit it had been a kind of pathetic, last-minute, prompted-by-terrified-screams attack had ended, he had no idea what to do next other than distract the creepy man.

"A copy of the Hippocratic oath," replied Mayuri as he threw the cylinder away. "Urahara sends one every few months to remind me what I'm not supposed to do. I can't think why. Where was I...Oh, yes, of course. Oh, _SPECIMEN_, would you like me to use the _spork_ instead!"

He and Uryu resumed running around Ichigo. Ichigo thought again, wondering how they could get out of this now.

He then had a thought.

It was cruel.

Even to do to Mayuri it would be cruel.

But then he decided he didn't care and did it anyway.

Ichigo leant down and whispered something in Hitsugaia's ear. He then had to whisper it again, seeing as the boy had been too distracted by the orange spikiness that was Ichigo's hair to hear the first time.

Hitsugaia looked up at him with big, shocked and delighted eyes. "Reawy?"

"What? Really what!" screamed Uryu.

"Or maybe you'd prefer...the spatula?" asked Mayuri. "Or the spork, if you really want it."

Hitsugaia jumped up, pointed his finger at Mayuri and screamed, "IT'S THE MUFFIN MAN!"

"...The what?" asked Mayuri. "What is the...What are you doing? No, Captain, stop that..."

Hitsugaia was advancing on Mayuri with a rapt, greedy smile which, in comparison, made Mayuri look about as creepy as a snowflake.

"Quick, while he's not looking," Uryu gestured for the corridor.

"MUFFIN MAN!" screamed Hitsugaia as he tried to eat Mayuri.

"STOP BITING ME!" screeched the Captain in a squeal high-pitched even for him.

Ichigo looked at Uryu. "Do you honestly want to go anywhere near Hitsugaia at this point? What if he forgets who's the 'muffin man'?"

"...Point," conceded Uryu. "But I don't want to stay here."

"Then I guess we'll just have to go in there," Ichigo said as he jabbed a thumb in the direction of the door behind him, which Mayuri had just exited.

#

Zaraki grinned as he burst through the doors of Byakuya's office. He then blinked. Renji was putting the finishing touches on a desk while Byakuya sat behind it, filling out some paperwork.

"Oh, it's just you two," the overly violent Captain sighed. "I was hoping Ichigo would be here."

"Why do you want Dandelion?" inquired Byakuya. "It's rather late for social calls." It was true. It was now well into the night.

"Social? When was the last time you remember me being _social_?" scoffed Zaraki. "No, I want to find him so I can fight him. I was told he was here, but I guess I was misinformed."

"You want to fight him?" questioned Byakuya.

"Yeah. What's it to you?"

"How coincidental. As do I."

Zaraki looked surprised. "You do?"

"Well, it would be more accurate to say I want to utterly crush him, throttle him, disembowel him, de-sex him and then cackle madly while I dance over his desecrated body, but 'fight' works just fine."

"...Yes," Zaraki said simply. "Well, you can't because I'm going to get there first."

Byakuya rose an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

"Damn straight!"

"In that case, I propose a wager."

This intrigued Zaraki. "Yeah? Go on."

"I wager that who ever finds the Dandelion first and brings him to the other can fight him."

"But...Wait...that doesn't make sense," a befuddled Zaraki frowned. "The only way Kurosaki would come to either of us would be if he were dead. So first we would have to fight and kill him."

"Yes, but Captain Kurosutchi could probably fix that."

"What, you mean he could resurrect him?"

"Probably," said an unconcerned Byakuya. "He's got a lot of machines in his laboratory. One of them could probably do the trick."

"I agree," said his hair.

Zaraki stared at it for a moment. "So your hair really _does_ talk. I thought it was a trick or something."

"I wish it were."

Something occurred to Zaraki. "Wait..._Wait_...So...If one of us finds Dandelion and brings him to the other then...We get to fight him _twice_?"

Byakuya smiled. The other man had taken the bait. "Precisely."

Zaraki's visible eye was as wide as a dinner plate. "_Whoa_."

Fight him _twice_?

The concept blew Zaraki's mind.

It was..._mind blowing_!

So freaking mind blowing that _not even drawers_ could compare!

"You're on!" Zaraki grinned. He turned and ran, cackling, out of the office. "DANDELION! I'M COMING TO FIGHT YOU..._TWICE_!"

Byakuya smiled. Zaraki had taken the bait. Now Ichigo would be delivered to him.

"You crafty bugger," said his hair appreciatively.

"Thank you," he replied modestly.

Renji, who had been putting the finishing touches on the desk all this time without either noticing, walked out of the room, thinking that Ichigo was probably going to die, very soon.

And, this time, he would actually die.

That is, unless he did something about it.

He thought about it for a moment.

He remembered the past night.

And Renji decided not to do a damn thing, at least for the moment.

#

In Mayuri's lab, Ichigo and Uryu looked around with eyes wide with horror.

"I was wrong," Ichigo said in a small voice. "Rukia's room isn't the creepiest room ever. This one is."

Uryu walked over to an odd-looking instrument. "I'm kind of curious about what this thing does. It doesn't look like any machine I've ever seen before."

"Probably something horrible," Ichigo commented nonchalantly.

"STOP TRYING TO EAT ME!" screamed Mayuri. They ignored him.

"Probably," agreed Uryu. His gaze moved on. Then his eyes widened. "Uh...Ichigo?"

"Yeah?" Ichigo replied without looking around.

"Does this orange twitching lump look familiar?"

Ichigo looked around, ignoring the cry of "MUFFINS!" which came from outside. "Holy crap, it does." He and Uryu moved closer to the little cage. "Hey, Oompa Loompa guy. You okay?"

The Oompa Loompa rolled over. "Do I look like I'm ****ing okay?"

Ichigo and Uryu stepped back.

"I have been poked, prodded, pushed around and generally tormented! And that was before I got here! That was in Division-Freaking-Four! They're supposed to be healers! _Healers_! And then _he_ came. And _did things_." Makizou looked at them with tormented eyes. "_Horrible things_." He began to cry.

"Do they have psychologists here?" questioned Uryu.

"I don't think so. Why?"

"Because I think they'll be needing them."

"NO, DON'T BITE THERE!"

"Let me correct myself. They'll be needing a _whole lot_ of them."

"NO! GET AWAY!" screamed a voice. Mayuri somehow managed to get away from Hitsugaia long enough to run inside his lab and slam the door. He leant on it and looked around. He saw Ichigo and Uryu. "_You_."

"...Us?" asked Ichigo from a complete lack of anything else to say.

He pointed a finger at them which looked as if it had been gnawed on. "_You did this_."

Uryu had recovered enough from his Mayuri-phobia to say, logically, "you know, if you hadn't created that stuff in those vials then-"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH!"

Uryu was scared for a moment, then relaxed again. After all, he had only offered to kill them. He hadn't mentioned anything about experiments.

"BUT NOT BEFORE I _EXPERIMENT_ ON YOU!"

_Now_ Uryu hid behind Ichigo.

Ichigo, on the other hand, was still unafraid. After all, neither Byakuya nor Zaraki were in the room. So he said, "guess what, _buddy_? You're just going to have to GET IN THE FREAKING LINE!"

Mayuri hadn't expected this. "...What?"

"I have two Captain already trying to kill me. _Two_. And, unless you hadn't FREAKING noticed, I don't even have my FREAKING Zan FREAKING pak FREAKING to."

**You know I am always here**, Zangetsu reminded him.

_**Yeah, but that's not going to stop him getting butchered, is it?**_ Logically said Hichigo.

"And do you know _why_ I don't have Zangetsu? IT'S BECAUSE A GIRL SMALLER THAN ME GUILT-TRIPPED ME INTO IT! And I figure I must have been the BIGGEST FREAKING IDIOT EVER to let her."

By now Mayuri and Uryu and even the tormented Mikazou were somewhat rapt by Ichigo's raving.

Insane people are always fun.

"But, wait...As Zangetsu just reminded me, he's _always_ there...And so is some weird hollow version of me too. Before the last few days, this hadn't been a problem. In fact, it's kind of stopped me DYING a few times, which is always nice."

_**Finally some recognition**_! rejoiced Hichigo.

"But do you know _why_ it's become a problem? Anyone? No? It's because YOU," Ichigo pointed a finger at Mayuri. "ARE AN INSANE FREAKING PSYCHOPATHIC FREAKING BASTARD OF A MAD SCIENTIST WHO WILL MAKE UP RANDOM FREAKING PILLS FOR NO FREAKING REASON AND THEN SIT BACK AND LAUGH AT THE FREAKING RESULTS!"

Mayuri stayed silent, a little stunned by this.

"Do you feel better now you've let it all out?" Uryu asked Ichigo.

Ichigo turned a dreamy smile towards him. "Actually, yes. Yes, I do. I should go nuts more often."

"You...really...Appreciate me?" sniffed Mayuri. They turned and stared at him. "No-one's ever noticed that I'm a psychopath as well."

"Does he sound..._Touched_ to you?" Ichigo asked Uryu in abject disbelief.

"I'm too busy hiding behind you to care," replied Uryu. Normally Ichigo would have made fun of this but, by now, understood the desire to hide, after having done it so many times.

"Oh, hello," a voice said. "So that's where you got to."

The constant hammering and screams for the 'muffin man' to come out stopped.

"Candy!" rejoiced the happy Hitsugaia.

"Captain Unohana?" asked Mayuri.

"Captain Kurotsuchi?" replied the other Captain from the other side of the door. Apparently in reply to a silent request, she said, "sorry Hitsugaia, I don't have any candy right now. Come by Division Four later, though, and I might have some then."

"Yay," Hitsugaia cheered.

"Captain Kurotsuchi," began another voice, that of Lieutenant Isane. "We have come to find someone we think you may have."

"My sweet angels from heaven," Makizou said in a soft, sweet voice, raising his hands in worship. "Please, angels rescue me from this hell."

"...Yeah, we've found him," muttered Isane.

"Captain Kurotsuchi?" asked Unohana gently. "Could you please open this door?"

"Is the small demon restrained?" asked Mayuri suspiciously.

"The small...You mean Captain Hitsugaia? Of course he isn't!" exclaimed Unohana, sounding surprised.

"Then HELL NO!"

"Captain -oh, hello."

"What is going on?" asked a soft, uncertain voice.

It was that of Nemu.

Mayuri seized the oppurtunity.

"LIETENANT!" he screamed. "RESTRAIN THE SMALL, WHITE-HAIRED DEMON!"

"...Captain?" asked Nemu, confused. "Do you mean the little boy -is that...Captain Hitsugaia?"

"YES! RESTRAIN HIM!" screamed Mayuri.

"...Captain?" asked the voice of Unohana. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I will once THAT BLOODY DEMON IS RESTRAINED!"

"...Yes, Captain," conceded Nemu doubtfully.

There was a silence in which the Captain, the substitute Soul Reaper and the Quincy waited with baited breath, expecting some sort of commotion involving screaming, crying and possibly candy.

Then Nemu said, "Captain? I've, uh...Restrained him."

Mayuri looked at the door suspiciously. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Well..." He began.

"Don't open it," advised Ichigo.

"It's a trick," muttered Uryu.

"My angels," dreamily chanted Mikazou as he swayed.

Mayuri glared at them. "I don't take orders from the likes of _specimens_." He opened the door.

And screamed.

Instant pandemonium.

Unohana, Nemu and Isane blinked.

"Oh, my," said Unohana softly.

#

"...And you expect me to fix this _how_?" asked Urahara.

Yoruichi sighed. She had just explained the problem to him. "I don't know but -Soifon?"

Soifon looked at her and smiled. "Yes, Kitty?"

"Will you please put down the nice man?"

Soifon put down a suddenly scared Urahara. "But he just spoke to you disrespectfully. He should be **punished**."

"I'd rather not be, if it's all the same to you," Urahara tried.

"No, he's a _nice_ man," Yoruichi tried. "When he's not being an idiotic moron, that is -_Soifon_!"

Soifon looked at Yoruichi and smiled again. "Yes, Kitty?"

"I don't think the nice man appreciates being twirled in the air like that."

"I think I'm going to be sick," groaned Urahara.

"But you said he was an idiotic moron."

"Yes, but he's not being one now."

"Oh." She put Urahara down. Her lips quivered. "Sorry, Kitty."

"It's okay. Don't cry," she tried.

"No. Soifon made Kitty ashamed of her. Not okay," sniffed Soifon.

"It really is," said the cat-lady.

"And, as a result, Soifon must **crush Urahara into dust**."

"What!" yelled Urahara as Soifon began advancing towards him. "How does _that_ work?"

"Soifon!" barked Yoruichi, sharper than she meant to in her attempt to stop Soifon murdering Urahara. "Urahara is a _nice_ man, I told you."

Soifon stopped her menacing advance and looked confused. Something about the words finally seemed to penetrate her mind. "Nice man?"

"Yes, nice man."

"Kitty likes him?"

"Kitty likes him," agreed Yoruichi.

Urahara was touched. "Aw...Yoruichi -ack!"

The sound was made by Soifon jumping onto Urahara and hugging him around the neck. "If Kitty likes Urahara then so does Soifon!"

"Stop-strangling-me!" he gasped, unsure if he liked it better when Soifon likes him or disliked him. Either way seemed to make his death at her hands a certainty.

"Oops," giggled Soifon as she let go. "Want to stay with Urahara."

"Great," Yoruichi smiled, getting up, a burst of joy making her want to burst out into song. "Then I'll just -ah!"

"Ack!"

Soifon had just dragged Urahara onto the ground so she could hold onto both his neck and Yoruichi's foot at the same time.

"No! All together!" she said. "Kitty, Urahara and Soifon together!"

Yoruichi looked up from where she had fallen over. She stared at Urahara for a moment. "Good idea, Soifon. But how about you let Urahara breathe first?"

She let go of him and Urahara took in a big, gasping breath. "Air." _Gasp_. "Good."

Yoruichi sighed again. "I guess we'll be spending the night here, then."

"Oh." _Gasp_. "Goodie."

#

"When he said 'restrain'," began Nemu worriedly. "I think he meant more than hold his hand."

"In hindsight, we can tell," reassured Isane. "But how could you know that before?"

"GET THIS WHITE HAIRED DEMON OFF ME!" Mayuri screamed as he stumbled around his lab, crashing into things. He'd accidentally turned a few machines on and mixed some chemicals. In a laboratory as unpredictable as the Twelve Division Captain's, this probably wasn't a good idea, but the Captain in question was too busy trying to remove the miniaturised Hitsugaia from his head, which the latter seemed to be trying to swallow in one gulp.

"Hitsugaia," tried Unohana. "Perhaps you should...Makizou? Are you all right?" She had been distracted by the mutilated appearance of Makizou. Momentarily forgetting about her fellow Captain's plight, she stepped up to the cage and undid the bolt. "Can you walk?"

Makizou smiled up at her dreamily. "My angel...I can walk."

"Are you all right?" she asked. Something seemed odd about him. Other than the fact he was an Oompa Loompa.

"Oh, yes, quite all right."

"GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF!" screamed Mayuri in the background.

_**Crash**_.

"Ow," he said in a much quieter voice.

"And do you know what would make me feel even better?" smiled Makizou.

"What?" asked Unohana anxiously.

He stood. "If I went out there and began FIGHTING EVERY SINGLE ****ING TOM ****ING DICK AND ****ING HARRY WHO GOT IN MY ****ING WAY, AS WELL AS EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE GENERAL *****ING VICINITY!"

He ran out cackling.

"Once a Division Ten member," muttered Isane before turning to her Captain and asking, "shall I go after him?"

"Yes, do that," agreed Unohana.

Nemu stepped into the room. "Captain...Captains? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"GET IT OFF!" Mayuri screamed.

"Personally, I would suggest just keeping out of the whole thing," advised Uryu who, along with Ichigo, had been staying in the corner, trying to avoid Mayuri's stumbling rampage of destruction. "That's what I'm doing."

"Ditto," agreed Ichigo.

"I couldn't do that," Nemu disagreed gently. "If only there were a certain chemical..."

"What chemical?" asked Unohana curiously.

"It's one which has many different effects," explained Nemu. "With most people it either scrambles them or...Does something else, but I have a special reaction to it which gives me certain powers. If it's been untouched by fire, in any case."

Ichigo pointed to a random vial. "Is this it?"

"The chances of that vial being what I need is..." She blinked, staring a the vial. "...It is."

Mayuri had given up screaming now and was just aimlessly running around, smashing his head into things in an effort to remove Hitsugaia.

Many things happened at once.

Mayuri smashed into one machine too many and a complex series of reactions occurred.

Nemu drank what she thought was the chemical which would give her special powers, enabling her to help her Captain.

Mayuri knocked into Unohana.

A ray gun pointed at Ichigo and Uryu.

Everyone felt strange for a moment.

Then the smoke cleared.

The machines powered down.

Everyone felt strange.

They all looked at each other.

They froze.

Then Ichigo said the word that summed it all up.

"****."


	10. Day Four: The Switch

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day Four**

**Chapter Ten**

**The Switch**

Isane tiredly stepped onwards. She had been looking for the enraged Oompa Loompa for, as far as she was concerned, far too long. Sometimes during the night she had fallen asleep and had a nightmare about an Oompa Loompa-shaped pretzel that turned into a flying purple dragon that spoke Shakespeare and then vanished into Thins air. Not thin air as in the saying, Thins air as in it exploded into thousands of tiny crisps that then attacked her. So she wasn't in the best of moods.

She had been tracking the Oompa Loompa by looking out for the bodies.

There were a lot of them.

Groaning people lined the path, a few at every street. They were mostly Division Eleven people, so Isane normally just left them, groaning, but occasionally she would find people from other Divisions and try to make sure they were okay before going onwards. On the most part they were just a little beaten.

Of course, a few were hurt quite badly, but they were the ones from Division Eleven who, when confronted with an enraged Oompa Loompa, would actually fight him, and so Isane just left them to their own devices.

Another thing which helped her track down the Division Eleven Oompa Loompa were the ransacked taverns, of which there was also a rather large amount of.

One odd thing the fourth-Division Lieutenant had noticed was that there seemed to be an odd number of holes in the dirt path. The holes were basically pit dug into the earth ranging in depth and width. The trouble was that the dirt always inconspicuously lined the path so that you couldn't tell you were about to fall into a hole until you actually fell into it. This proved to be quite a pain, as Isane had already fallen into a few. She had taken to treading carefully, observing the ground before she stepped onto it. This would probably mean that she would lose the trail of the Oompa Loompa soon, seeing as she was probably falling behind, but she would fall even further behind if she kept falling in the holes. And, on top of that, she already had a rather large amount of bruises and didn't want to add to them.

Isane decided that she would go a few more streets then go home. She was tired and grumpy and really wanted to take all her negativity out on someone.

She caught sight of a hole and skirted around it, glancing casually around as she passed it.

She wearily walked a few more steps.

She then blinked, ran back to the hole, looked into it properly, and grinned a malicious grin.

Makizou the Oompa Loompa was quietly slumbering at the bottom of the hole.

Isane made a fist and punched her other hand in the universal gesture that said, 'I'm going to hurt someone and, dammit, I'm going to enjoy it!'

It was an unlikely gesture for a healer but, after everything that had been happening, Isane felt it was perfectly justified.

#

"Are you sure?" mumbled Hanatarou. He was still in hospital and would have been perfectly happy there had he not been crowded by Yachiru, Sogy and Koto. The tiny pink-haired Lieutenant and the two Zanpakto spirits had gotten along perfectly. The latter two had wandered into Hanatarou's room out of boredom after watching their Captain twitch occasionally in pain and listening to the aforementioned Captain's third-seaters arguing...again got boring. They were now having a conversation about how Hanatarou was definitely a Zanpakto.

"Oh, yes," affirmed Yachiru positively.

"Definitely," agreed Sogy.

"Yeah!" cheered Koto.

"And they would know," nodded Yachiru wisely.

Soy and Koto walked right up close to Hanatarou and scrutinised him closely. "Yep, definitely a Zanpakto!" they concluded together.

"...What a relief to know," Hanatarou murmured slightly incoherently. "And here I was thinking I was something silly, like a tomato plant. Being a tomato plant would be very peaceful. Not like being a Zanpakto. Many people attack you when you're a Zanpakto. I should know."

"Yeah, but being a tomato plant would be boring," Yachiru wrinkled her nose scornfully. "You'd never be able to have any sweets, for one thing."

"I don't know. Maybe if there were some buried you'd be able to," mumbled the sleep-deprived healer.

Yachiru froze. Her eyes went wide as two saucers. A possibility had just occurred to her. One which was amazing...Outstanding...Brilliant beyond belief. "Buried...Sweets?" she asked in an awed voice.

Without further ado she left the room. Hanatarou didn't notice.

"Zanpakto?" asked Sogy.

"Mm?"

"Why are your eyes all droopy?"

"Probably because they're always sad that I seem to be the Universe's outlet for when it just wants to push someone around."

"Oh."

There was a silence.

"Zanpakto?" This was Koto.

"Mm?"

"Why do you have so many bruises?"

"I used to have a broken arm, too," replied Hanatarou. His arm, the natural healing process sped up by Division Four tactics, was now healed. "I'm so bruised because..." He looked up but he was alone. The two little Zanpakto spirits must have been quickly bored by him and made their exit.

Hanatarou found he didn't mind this so much.

Sogy and Koto held hands as they walked the little way away to Ukitake's room. They could hear Kiyome and Sentaro arguing from up the hall.

"This is all your fault."

"How is this _my_ fault?"

"If you had protected him better-"

"I protected him better than you did!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

Sogy and Koto entered the room. Ukitake was still twitching occasionally.

Kiyome and Sentaro looked around quickly but, when seeing it was just the two Zanpakto spirits, relaxed. "Oh. It's you two."

The two small spirits grinned and sat in the other available chair together, side by side. There was a brief silence.

"So..." Began Sentaro. "You two do anything interesting?"

Sogy and Koto blinked in surprise at the fact that either of the argumentative third-seaters could actually hold a conversation that didn't include arguing with each other or worshipping their Captain.

"Whatever they did, it was probably more interesting than staying in here with you," snapped Kiyome.

"What did you say!"

Scratch that. Both third seaters possessed a complete inability to hold a normal conversation.

But then both sighed. "It's no use," Kiyome groaned.

"We can't be bothered arguing any more," moaned Sentaro.

The two little Zanpakto spirits blinked in unison.

"We've been doing it non-stop all night."

"We've argued about everything there is to argue about."

After a moment of looked at the weary Third seaters the two Zanpakto spirits looked at each other and grinned. "So, you're bored too?" began one.

"So are we."

"Let's fix that."

"How?" asked Sentaro desperately.

"We have a way..."

#

Yoruichi slowly awoke from her slumber. She had something around her neck...and someone was beside her...

Her eyes snapped open and she shot upwards, promptly almost being strangled.

"Kitty's awake," murmured the soft, sweet voice of Soifon who, even in her sleep, had kept a tight hold of the necks of both Yoruichi and Urahara, one arm almost casually draped over each, thus forcing the two to sleep next to each other.

"Gah!" gasped Urahara as he was strangled by Yoruichi's movement. He sat up, half-asleep, blinking blearily at Yoruichi and Soifon. "I had a funny dream. I was forced to sleep with someone by a tiny psychopathic girl. Then I wake up and it's all true. Why, cruel world, must you torment me!"

Soifon abruptly let go of them both, enabling them to release each other, gasping. She looked at Urahara with big, betrayed eyes. "You...Don't like Kitty?"

Seeing the potential danger, Urahara rose his hands. "No, no, I like Kitty plenty."

"Good because you're marrying her!" cheered Soifon.

"...What?" asked Urahara.

"...What?" echoed Yoruichi.

"Kitty likes Hat-man. Hat-man likes Kitty. Hat-man and Kitty slept together. Therefore, Hat-man and Kitty get married," Soifon told them sweetly.

"First of all, WE DID NOT ACTUALLY SLEEP TOGETHER!" yelled Urahara as he held up a single finger. "We just...Slept together. As in _next_ to each other."

"It still counts," smiled Soifon. Yoruichi looked at her closely. She seemed to have grown up a little. Less a toddler, more a little child. She was growing up, and quicker than normal. If it wasn't for the current situation, Yoruichi would have felt happy about this.

"Second of all," continued Urahara, holding up two fingers. "No-one in this day and age is going to GET MARRIED, the _sole_ and _only_ reason being that because they SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY REALLY ONLY WERE SLEEPING NEXT TO EACH OTHER!"

"You are," Soifon pointed out.

"Third of all," Urahara said, holding up a third finger. "_I am not ready to get married_. I mean, can you honestly see _me_ in a stable relationship with someone? I'm a bachelor and happy about it!"

"Not any more," smiled Soifon. "Because you're getting married now!"

"Don't I get a say in this?" spluttered Yoruichi. "_I_ don't want to get married any more than he does!"

"I'll get your wedding clothes!" cheered Soifon as she exited the room.

"...I think she just blanked out everything we just said," Urahara told Yoruichi in depressed tones.

"Probably," muttered Yoruichi. "But, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to turn into a cat and get the hell out of here before I'm married to someone for the sole reason that we were forced to sleep next to each other."

"Good idea," nodded the hat-wearing man. "I think I'll follow you-"

"Kitty and Hat-man aren't _going anywhere_, are they?" asked a sweet voice. Soifon was standing at the doorway, a few black and white garments slung over her little arms, having evidentially been there for some time. "Because that would be really bad, to run away on your wedding day. It would make me sad." Her lips began to quiver and her eyes began filling up with tears.

Despite everything else the two Soul Reapers felt their heart strings being tugged at. They leant closer.

"Don't cry..." began Urahara.

"It's okay..." tried Yoruichi.

Before they could do anything, before they even realised what was happening, Soifon had managed to undress them both and put the weddings garments on them. One moment they were coming nearer to a sniffing Soifon, the next they were surrounded by a tiny whirlwind, the next Yoruichi was wearing an olden-style white wedding dress with long sleeves, a full skirt and a high neckline, and a veil and Urahara was dressed in a black suit with a white button-up shirt of a more modern variety.

"What – WHAT THE HELL!" screamed Yoruichi, staring at herself in horror. "How did that even HAPPEN?"

Urahara groaned and slapped himself on the forehead. "She got into the damn costume section."

Yoruichi stared at him. "I'm not sure which is more surprising. The fact that you have a damn costume section or the fact that YOU HAVE THIS DAMN DRESS!" She began trying to tug the dress off. "HOW THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF THIS THING!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" screamed Urahara in reply. "DO I LOOK LIKE AN EXPERT IN DRESSES OR SOMETHING!"

"Don't argue on your wedding day," Soifon told them with eyes widened by seeming amazement. Slowly, Urahara and Yoruichi turned to her.

She was wearing a little, pink flower girl outfit.

"I'm going to go find a wedding cake," she smiled sweetly. "Don't move."

She vanished. Yoruichi turned to Urahara. "Don't take this the wrong way but I think I probably have more commitment issues than you do. No freaking way I'm _marrying_ you."

"I'm glad we agree," Urahara replied. "Shall we run off as fast as we can before everybody's favourite little psychopathic flower girl comes back?"

"But I can't turn into a cat like this! These clothes bind me too much."

"Then run as a human. All I know is that there's no way I'm staying here."

"Amen to that."

They ran.

#

Byakuya had heard reports of Zaraki running about, screaming for Ichigo. If he thought he was going to catch him _that_ way, he was very much mistaken. Because the Dandelion was craftier than that. So crafty, in fact, that Byakuya was now certain Ichigo had seduced Rukia and the latter was now pregnant with Ichigo's child.

And for that, he would **make Ichigo pay**.

But he wouldn't do it in Zaraki's idiotic style. No, he would do it in a much craftier way. He had gotten up early in order to get a start on finding the Ryoka as soon as possible.

He was using the giant underground computer system. All he had to do was scan in the Dandelion's appearance and some genetic material of his into the computer and everything. At first he wasn't sure where he could find some genetic material, but then he had remembered the room he and Renji had destroyed together. Renji had been half-finished repairing it when Byakuya had come in, looked around and found some abandoned blood of Ichigo's.

He had then programmed it into the computer. All he had to do now was wait...

And soon he would be able to wreak revenge upon the Dandelion.

But something was going wrong.

The computer was telling him no-one of Ichigo's description or genetic make up was currently in the Seireitei.

He walked out of the underground computer system, confused.

"Hey, Byakuya-" began his hair.

Byakuya stopped where he was, caught in his musings. "I've told you. It's Captain Kutchiki to you."

"And we've told you, you don't get to pull rank with us."

"I really will cut you off if you annoy me," Byakuya told them in an abstract sort of way. "Where could Dandelion be..." He began to step forward again.

"Wait!" yelled his hair.

"What now?" snapped Byakuya. "This would be much simpler if you would stop interrupting my thoughts." Byakuya stepped forward.

"But you're about to fall into that-"

Byakuya promptly fell into the hole which was directly in front of him.

"-hole."

#

As if their bodies saw what they had changed into and shut down from horror, the five in Mayuri's lab had fainted after Ichigo's expletive. They slowly, one at a time, found themselves waking up.

Ichigo blinked and then shut his eyes again, finding that he didn't quite want to wake just yet.

He then found two enormous _things_ stopping him from breathing.

The orange-haired substitute Soul Reaper sat up, gasping for air. He looked down. The _things_ were attached to his chest. He then remembered why he had sworn before collapsing that night.

"Holy _crap_ I'm a freaking _woman_," he gasped, staring at what looked like two boulders attached to his chest. "And I almost suffocated on my freaking _chest_, which happens to be bigger than my freaking _head_."

_**Whoa, Ichigo...I'm impressed**_, said an awed voice at the back of his head. _**Those things are bigger than Orihime's**_!

"I can see that," muttered Ichigo discontentedly in his newer, female voice. "In fact, it's a little hard not to."

_**Do red-headed females **_**all**_** have boobs this big?**_ _**Is that why both Orihime and that Soul Reaper Lieutenant person are so well-endowed?**_ Drooled Hichigo. _**Because, if that's true, then I am so changing my type from short and brunette to red hair and huge boobs!**_

**That sentence probably counts for sexual assault**, pointed out Zangetsu.

_**Probably**_, agreed an unconcerned Hichigo.

Ichigo looked around, trying to find Uryu. He saw him a moment later, still asleep on the ground. He sniggered as he stood up and kicked him awake. "Wake up, sleeping beauty!"

Uryu blinked, looked up blearily. He saw two huge round things with Ichigo's body beneath them and his head above them and yelled, "Ichigo, I think you have a pair of huge Soul Reaper parasites attached to your chest!"

"I wish," muttered Ichigo, trying to fold his arms over his chest but only succeeding in pushing up his cleavage to his neck.

_**Please, please, please, **_begged Hichigo. _**Look down. I mean, yeah, they're yours...but where else am I going to get a view this fantastic?**_

"Hm," mused Uryu. He was looking at Ichigo's cleavage. "Ichigo, were you aware that you had changed genders?"

"Yes, I realised that," snapped Ichigo.

_**Wait, does that mean that those round things replaced your...**_began Hichigo in a horrified voice.

An odd expression crossed Ichigo's face. He slunk off the the side of the room and surreptitiously, with his back turned to Uryu, checked. "AAAAAAAAAAARGH! MY MANHOOD IS GONE!"

"Would you prefer to be a hermaphrodite?" questioned Uryu.

"Yes! NO! Hell, I DON'T KNOW!" screamed Ichigo, near to tears as he slumped and walked back to Uryu.

"You can probably reverse it somehow," Uryu told him doubtfully as he looked around the odd array of machinery which was in the laboratory. "Probably."

"You mean _we_ can probably reverse it somehow," Ichigo told him pointedly.

And odd expression came on Uryu's face. He looked down, then up in relief. "Obviously, I don't have the...Uh...Endowments you do, so I think I'm safe."

"Not necessarily," Ichigo told him spitefully. "I'm pretty sure I can see some curves. And not all women have things this big. Look at Rukia, she's practically flat-chested!"

The odd expression came back onto Uryu's face. He slunk off to the side of the room and, with his back to Ichigo, checked. "_GAH_! My...They're...Where are..." He slumped and walked back to Ichigo. "It's true. We're both..._Female_."

Ichigo looked at the unconscious Mayuri and Unohana. "What about them?"

"Well...Captain Unohana looks like she's still...Well...a she. I'm not sure about Mayuri...But, be honest, do you really want to check?"

Ichigo shuddered. "Hell, no."

"As for Hitsugaia-"

"SHWEETS!"

"-I don't think he's changed in the slightest."

The toddler –or rather, now child, though that hadn't made any difference- version of Captain Hitsugaia had been woken up by their shouting and was now glaring at them both meanly. He looked from Uryu to Ichigo. A considering expression came to his face. He squinted at Ichigo, looking from his chest to his hair. "Paperwork?" he asked, a little uncertainly.

"Huh?" asked Ichigo.

"Maybe he thinks you're someone else," muttered Uryu.

When Ichigo failed to respond to his last question the miniature Captain seemed to realised Ichigo wasn't who he thought he was. "Orange and shpiky?" asked Hitsugaia suspiciously.

"That's me," said a depressed Ichigo. "Just with boobs. A _lot_ of boobs."

"What is all this racket?" screeched a familiar voice. "Can you people just let me sleep?"

"Mayuri's awake," noted Ichigo needlessly. But Uryu was looking at the speaker with a queer expression.

"Uh...Ichigo? That wasn't Mayuri."

Ichigo looked around and saw Unohana sitting up, rubbing her eyes and glaring at them in annoyance. Mayuri stirred. "Who's there?" Mayuri sat up. "Oh, hello..."

Mayuri and Unohana looked at each other.

Both jaws dropped.

"You have got to be kidding me," squeaked a now thoroughly traumatised Ichigo. "They switched bodies?"

"It appears so," Uryu replied in a slightly strangled tone.

Mayuri looked at Unohana. "...Captain Kurosutchi?"

Unohana looked at Mayuri. "...Captain Unohana?" Unohana looked down at herself and yelped in Mayuri's screech.

Mayuri patted himself down, a softly confused expression on his face. "Captain...I...seem to be...In your...body."

"You think I didn't notice!" screeched Unohana.

"What is going on here?" asked an irritated voice. They all turned and saw Hitsugaia. The older Hitsugaia.

"Weren't you about...yay-high a second ago?" asked Ichigo in utter confusion as he held out his hand to about knee-height. Hitsugaia blinked at him.

"What? Look, I don't know what's happened here. All I know was that, a second ago, I opened my eyes and I was here." He was looking at Ichigo and Uryu. "Weren't you two _male_ the last time I saw you?"

"Well, yeah..." began Uryu, not sure how to continue.

Hitsugaia grimaced. "And was is that awful _taste_? Have I been eating lollies or something? I _hate_ sweets."

"...Just a few," Ichigo said in a vast understatement.

"Clearly everyone has a lot to..." A funny expression came across his face. Faster than anyone could blink, Hitsugaia shrank down until he was a child again. "SHWEETSH!"

Ichigo clutched at his head and moaned, "I'm going to get a headache from all this, I just _know_ I am."

"The combined effects of my experimental machines must have made us all change into what we are now," screeched the person who looked like Unohana but was actually Mayuri.

"Can you reverse it?" gently questioned Mayuri, who was actually Unohana.

"I don't know," the other replied in a miserable screech. "Nothing like this has ever happened before."

"You mean..." began Ichigo in a horrified voice. "...We may have to stay like this...for ever?"

_**Relax, Ichigo**_, snickered Hichigo. _**If worst comes to worst, you could always make your living renting out your boobs for people who have nowhere else to live. You could probably accommodate a good few families on those things.**_

"SHUT UP HICHIGO, NOBODY ASKED YOU!"

Everyone stared at him oddly except Unohana-who-was-Mayuri. "Ah, the experimental pills...Tell me, have you noticed them wearing off?"

"I...Uh..."A thought struck Ichigo, one which had flickered through his mind before but had gone ignored, pushed away by recent events. "I have! Zangetsu is clear as a bell, because I can hear him all the time, so the pills wouldn't affect me hearing him, but I noticed before that Hichigo is a little quieter."

"...Since I don't know either of those names I'll just take that as a yes," Unohana-who-was-Mayuri summarised. "Which means that these affects will probably also fade with time."

"Probably?" questioned Uryu.

"Probably," nodded Unohana-who-was-Mayuri. Everyone stared at him and he wilted. "Possibly. Look, I don't know, okay! Happy?"

"You don't know?" echoed Mayuri-who-was-Unohana softly.

"No," Unohana-who-was-Mayuri went on miserably. "I have no idea. Nothing like this has ever happened before. They could be like the pills and slowly wear off or they could be forever ARGH GET OFF ME!"

This latter screech of anger was due to the fact that Hitsugaia had walked up to Unohana-who-was-Mayuri and the latter had flinched away, expecting the worse. Hitsugaia blinked at what he thought was his candy dispenser and opened his mouth the say something when he abruptly grew into the normal-sized Hitsugaia. He blinked at them. "Did I just...Black out or something?"

"Or something," agreed Uryu while Ichigo groaned.

"I knew this was going to give me a headache," he muttered in his feminised voice.

"So far it seems that you keep changing from a toddler to your normal age, Kurosutchi and I have switched bodies, and Uryu and Ichigo have become females," explained Mayuri-who-was-Unohana in one quick explanation.

"Thank you, that's all I needed," nodded Hitsugaia. "To see that this whole thing is clearly insane. Just how did this come about?"

Mayuri-who-was-Unohana opened his mouth but then closed it, confused. "Actually, that's something I'm confused about as well. How _did_ this all happen?"

"I have no idea," morosely moaned Unohana-who-was-Mayuri.

"I don't know but I just want to get the hell out of here before anything else happens," whined Ichigo.

"Actually, I agree," agreed Uryu.

Ichigo looked at him hopefully. "You...Do?"

Uryu nodded. "Going by what's happened so far we risk...Well, _anything_ that's either really horrible or sanity-threatening, or possibly both at the same time, happening to us by staying here. I say we should leave before anything _else_ happens."

"Uryu," said Ichigo solemnly. "I have never liked you more than I do right now."

"Thank you," replied Uryu. "I think."

"No, I mean it. Right now I could freaking _kiss you_-"

"And this is getting creepy," Uryu said, stepping away from Ichigo. "Can we leave?"

"Hells yeah!" cheered Ichigo, jumping with excitement. Everyone ducked.

"Don't _do_ that!" said a slightly scared Hitsugaia. "You almost knocked out everyone in the room! Seriously, it's bad enough with Rangiku!"

"Those things are a health risk," muttered Uryu, adjusting his glasses, which had slipped.

"I must admit, that is true," said Mayuri-who-was-Unohana, straightening from where she had crouched.

"Would you like me to _reduce_ them for you?" grinned Unohana-who-was-Mayuri.

Ichigo shook his head frantically, an action which the large protrusions in his chest joined in with. "Please stay away from me. Uryu, can we get the _hell_ out of here? Like, _now_?"

Uryu had to agree with this. He and Ichigo exited the room in a hurry, intending to get out of there as soon as possible.

After they had exited the room, the two older Captains looked at each other. Mayuri-who-was-Unohana began by saying, "Captain Kurosutchi, I must confess I am worried about what would happen if the general public and our own Division learned of what has occurred here."

Hitsugaia turned back into his child self. They looked at him and then back at each other while he glared at them both uncertainly, like he wasn't quite sure what was happening.

"So you want to keep this a secret?" asked Unohana-who-was-Mayuri.

The child Hitsugaia wasn't quite sure what was happening. He kept having black-outs, which was annoying. On top of that, his Candy dispenser was acting like the creepy guy who he tried to bite and the creepy guy who he was trying to bite was acting like his Candy dispenser. But one thing he did know was that he had just heard that the fact that they were each other was a secret.

And what did you do with secrets?

Hitsugaia ran out of the room. Unohana-who-was-Mayuri looked at the little Captain and, not being an idiot, guessed something of what he was doing. He said, "GRAB THE WHITE-HAIRED DEMON!"

"I'm sorry?" asked a confused Mayuri-who-was-Unohana, letting Hitsugaia slip past her.

Unohana-who-was-Mayuri slapped herself on the forehead. "Now you've done it."

A few moments later a yell was heard all over the Seireitei. Everyone stopped to listen to the cry, their jaws slowly dropping open as they heard, "NICE HEALER LADY AND CREEPY MAN WITH WEIRD CLOTHESH HAVE SHWAPPED BODIES AND ARE TRYING TO KEEP IT A SHECRET! DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU! NICE HEALING LADY WITH YUMMY CANDY LOOKS LIKE MONSTER GUY AND CREEPY MONSHTER GUY WITH THE YELLOY EYES LOOKSH LIKE NICE HEALING LADY!"

Mayuri's experiments were no secret so everyone in the Seireitei immediately realised what was going on.

So much for secret.

"I don't think we're going to have much luck keeping this a secret any more," mused Mayuri-who-was-Unohana.

"You think?" questioned Unohana-who-was-Mayuri gratingly.

"We can't just stay in here all day," reasoned Mayuri-who-was-Unohana. "How about I stay here and you go to my Division in order to try and dismiss the yells as rumours?"

Unohana-who-was-Mayuri nodded. "Fine."

They separated and on the way to Division Four Unohana-who-was-Mayuri grinned a creepy grin.

"I wonder what kind of interesting _specimens_ there are at Division Four, and how many new experiments I can _perform_."

In Division Twelve Mayuri-who-was-Unohana looked around, hands on hips. "Well, this place can certainly do with some _changes_."

Child-Hitsugaia would have happily continued to bellow the secret (or SHECRET!) at the top of his lungs all around the Seireitei, but he was stopped by two things. The first was that he fell into a hole which he hadn't seen before. The second was that he transformed back into Hitsugaia, the adult(-ish).

"What on Earth is going on?" he muttered, looking about himself.


	11. How Soul Reapers Give Birth

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**Chapter Eleven**

**How Soul Reapers Give Birth**

Hanatarou was just drifting off to sleep, after a long and fretful night, when sounds jolted him awake.

"HA! YOU WILL NEVER WITHSTAND THE SHEER AWESOMENESS OF MY ATTACK!"

There was a scream, then a crashing sound.

"AND I COUNTER-ATTACK WITH A STRIKE WHICH WILL LEAVE YOU DEFENCELESS AND AT MY MERCY!"

There was another large crash.

Hanatarou, now significantly more healed than he had been the previous night, groaned as he pulled himself up and looked to see what the commotion was.

The two third-seaters, Kiyome and Sentaro, were snarling at each other angrily as they stood opposite each other in the hallway. Patients and Division Four members alike had retreated, as there was already a path of destruction and nobody wanted any casualties. The two Zanpakto spirits, Sogy and Koto-chan were on their backs, laughing wildly.

"Um… Can I ask what's going on here?" Hanatarou asked timidly, worried in case he had to run away. The four turned to them.

"We were bored," Kiyome began.

"I was more bored," Sentaro stated. "We had been fighting all night and were tired."

"I was more tired. So we decided to do something."

"…So you decided to have a piggy-back fight?" asked the Division Four member flatly.

"A piggy-back WAR!" laughed Koto and Sogy-chan together.

"… And none of you see anything wrong with this?" Hanatarou continued desperately. "Like, maybe the fact that you two are adults? And vaguely mature… Somewhere deep, deep, deep inside?"

They blinked at him blankly.

He sighed. "Never mind. I'm barely conscious from days of abuse and sleep deprivation anyway, so I can't even remember what I just said. Do what you want why I collapse in a corner-"

"NO!" yelled Sogy-chan. "I've had an idea!" He whispered it to Koto-chan.

"What a brilliant idea! The Zanpakto can fight us too!"

"What Zanpakto?" asked the two third-seaters, confused now.

The two spirits pointed at Hanatarou, who smiled vaguely and drooled a bit. "_That_ Zanpakto!"

#

Zaraki wasn't quite sure what happened. One moment he was running about, looking for Ichigo, and the next he had stopped. After a few moments he realised that he had fallen into a hole. He wasn't quite sure where it had come from.

"Hey, Kenny," a familiar voice said from above him. "Watcha doing down _there_? Did you find some?"

Zaraki looked up to see his Lieutenant looking down at him cheerfully. "Some what?" He only saw Yachiru's head, but heard some other voices from beyond her.

"Is there some endangered candy?"

"No, just Kenny," answered Yachiru.

"Who's up there with you?" asked Zaraki, confused.

"The Greens," Yachiru answered, confusing him any more. "They're my new friends. We look for candy together. Have you seen any?"

"Sorry, can't say I have," negated 'Kenny'. "Seen any Ichigos?"

Yachiru shook her head. "I'll send him here if I do find him! I'd stay to play with you, but I've got to keep looking for candy! Bye, Kenny."

With that, his Lieutenant disappeared.

"!" screamed the very pregnant woman before the Oompa Loompa. She was partially screaming because an Oompa Loompa had just walked into the room. But mostly it was caused by the fact that, very soon, she was no longer going to be pregnant.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" screamed Makizou, due to the fact that the labouring woman had her legs wide open, as woman giving birth tend to do, and was pointed at him. "WHAT THE **** IS HAPPENING TO HER!"

"She's giving brith," Isane told him calmly. "And you're going to help her."

"…_What_?"

"There's no need to look so scared. Birth is a very natural and beautiful process, and it's incredible to be a part of it. You should be thanking me for allowing you to take part _stop walking away like that, I can see every step you take_." Isane then rugby-tackled the Division Eleven member to stop him from running away.

"HAVEN'T YOU ABUSED ME ENOUGH, WOMAN!"

"PREGNANT WOMAN GIVING BIRTH HE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE-!" screamed the aforementioned pregnant woman. "STOP ARGUING AND HELP ME, DAMN IT!"

Makizou had a moment to decide what to do. Two woman were shouting at him, one a powerful Lieutenant, and the other a pregnant woman. He had no problems defying the Lieutenant. Compared with his Captain, she was nothing. However, the pregnant woman looking as if she would explode if he made her angry enough, and considering she was currently aimed at him, he didn't really want that to happen.

"FINE!" he shouted, looking at Isane. "How does this work anyway?"

Isane held up her hands. "Don't look at me! I don't usually deal with this kind of thing!"

"WHAT?" screamed both the pregnant woman and Makizou.

"Come to think of it, how _does_ it work?" mused the Lieutenant. "We're a society of soul-reapers. I didn't even know we _gave_ birth. I thought people just sort of came from the human's world…"

"This isn't very encouraging," seethed Makizou furiously.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME!" screamed the pregnant-but-soon-wouldn't-be woman.

"STOP YELLING!" yelled Makizou. "It's giving me a HEADACHE! AND I HAVEN'T EVEN DRANK ANY ALCOHOL!"

"YEAH? Well, when you're NINE MONTHS PREGNANT and about to give BIRTH, THEN you can tell me to stop yelling. Until then, SHUT THE **** UP!"

"Do they just…pop out?" wondered the Lieutenant. "No, wait, I'm pretty sure there's some kind of bird involved somewhere…"

"Huh?" Makizou blinked, confused, as he turned to her. "You mean a stork? I don't think they actually exist."

There was a tap at the window. All three of them turned around, then the soon-not-to-be pregnant woman began screaming again. Makizou had more or less grown used it, so he went and opened the window. A large white bird was there. Inexplicably, it began to talk in a rough, low, male voice.

"Delivery?"

"Uh… Yeah, I guess so."

"Sign here."

The bird vanished, came back with a clipboard. Makizou glanced at Isane. She shrugged. "What do you know, they actually _do_ bring babies."

Makizou turned back to the bird. "Got a pen?"

The stork sent him a withering look. "I'm a freaking _stork_. Do I look like I have a pen?"

"You don't look like you have a clipboard. Hell, you're a bird, you shouldn't even be _talking_!" exclaimed the furious Oompa Loompa.

"Well, Mister Smarty-Pants-Short-Orange-Guy, do you want me to take this kid and go or what? Because, buddy, I'm getting sick of you're attitude."

Makizou was prevented from answering by Lieutenant Isane holding out a pen for him. Grumbling under his breath about talking birds, he signed, not noticing the malevolent glint growing in the bird's eye. He thrust the clipboard back at the bird. It vanished, where he wasn't quite sure, and in its place was a baby.

"My baby!" gushed the no-longer pregnant woman. For some reason, she was now fully clothed and had a relatively flat stomach. She took the child and began making baby noises at it.

The stork gave Makizou a dark look. "You've made an enemy, _buddy_. Nowhere is safe." He flew away.

"Bring it, feather-arse!" shouted Makizou, leaning out the window. He was kicked in the knee.

"Don't talk dirty around my baby!" huffed the new mother.

"Sorry, feather-bum."

The woman inhaled, exhaled, smiled. "Thankyou to you both for helping me."

"Yes… _helping_," Isane agreed.

"I'll name him in your honour. He will be called… Lieutenant Oompa-chan."

"I'm not actually sure it's legal to name a baby Lieutenant," Isane said.

"Oh… Looloo Oompa-chan, then." The happy mother left blissfully.

Isane shook her head sorrowfully. "That poor child…"

"Hell, even I pity him-"

"I TOLD YOU- YOU'RE NEVER SAFE!"

"GET OFF ME!" Makizou shouted at the stork which squawked as it tried to peck off Makizou's face. He ran out of the room, trying to get the bird to leave him alone. Isane stared after him, wondering whether she should bring him back or just leave him alone. She decided on the latter. She turned and walked away, wondering where exactly Unohana was.

#

Matsumoto had finished all the paperwork Hitsugaia had set her. If he had been an adult(-ish) he would have remarked on the fact that his child self had managed to do what he never could; make her work. Of course, that would mean he was an adult(-ish) and not a child, which wasn't true. No matter how Matsumoto desperately wished it.

She stood, stretched, looked around at the office in her room. She sighed, and found some random in her squad which she ordered to fix the office. Having done that, she went to go and find Hitsugaia to see if he's d grown up yet, or if he had died from choking on a lollipop or something.

A few minutes later, she fell into a hole. "What the hell!" she exclaimed, confused and bruised, more so because something she landed on began trying to beat her up.

"BAD BIG-BOOBED LADY!"

"…You have got to be kidding me. Any hole. I could have fallen into any hole, and I had to fall into the one with you, Hitsugaia? Ow, STOP HITTING ME!"

"LOLLIPOP!"

Matsumoto was wishing the damn kid had choked, her Captain or not.

Ichigo and Uryu were walking along the streets. They kept getting glances. Well, Ichigo kept getting glances. Well, his boobs kept getting glances.

"What are you looking at?" he/she snarled at a particularly lecherous man. The man walked off. Ichigo shook his head. His boobs followed the movement. "I don't know how Orihime does it. My back is actually hurting from this."

"Luckily, I don't have that problem," Uryu said, grateful for at least one small mercy.

"That's because you have none," Ichigo said primly, as if this should offend Uryu.

"Maybe, but at least I don't have booty the size of Canada. Some prefer the more subtle charms of OH GOD WHAT ARE WE SAYING!"

Ichigo looked at him, horrified. "We're getting… Womanly." Just then, his eyes went past Uryu and locked onto something. He quickly dragged him into the nearest building, hiding.

"What the-" Ichigo's hand clamped over Uryu's words, stifling them. He let him go and pointed through the crack of the door. Uryu's eyes followed the direction and widened. Byakuya was walking down the street, ignoring the way his hair was waving everywhere and talking. It seemed weaker than before, but that wouldn't be comforting to the Captain.

"Well, we told you so," the Hair told Byakuya. "If you don't look where you're going and ignore valuable warnings, it's not your fault that you fall into holes."

Byakuya ignored the hair.

"This is exactly what I mean. This relationship really isn't working for us. You never pay us any attention." The Hair sniffed, sounding upset. "You expect everything and give nothing. And you get upset when we try to strangle you… You know what? Who cares what you think! We're annoyed, now!"

The Hair promptly tried strangling Byakuya again, but it didn't work so well as it seemed to be weakening. Even so, when it began creeping into his airways, the Captain had to take some notice. By that time, he had edged out of the two men-turned-women's vision, to their relief.

"That's good, now we can- argh!" Ichigo yelped, an annoyingly feminine sound, as he turned around to see yet another lecherous man.

Captain Kyoraku leaned close to both men-turned-women, leering. "Hello, my pretties… Why are you two lovely ladies hiding in here? Is there any nasty people chasing you that I could protect you from?"

Surprised at the offer, Uryu blinked. "Well, actually-"

"And then use as leverage to get certain… _favours_ later on?"

"No." Uryu said.

"Not only no, but hell no." Ichigo summarised.

"But you two are so very attractive- I mean defenceless." He turned to Uryu. "Especially you. I am a sucker for glasses… And you are so very sexy-librarian-"

"We are leaving," Ichigo announced, dragging Uryu out again.

"Come back, my sexy-librarian!" Kyoraku called, disappointed. "I hunger for you!"

"Screw you!" shouted Ichigo.

"I'd rather the one with glasses, but sure!"

Ichigo ran faster. As they entered another street, walking quickly, Uryu muttered, under his breath, "you're jealous that he found me prettier than you, admit it."

"He must have a fetish for flat…" Ichigo realised what he was saying. "We need to get a cure for this. Now."

#

Mayuri, in Unohana's body, walked into Division Four. Immediately, everyone in the vicinity looked at him and began screaming.

He tried to pretend to be Unohana. She was an incredibly tactful, gentle woman, so he tried to be the same. In a high-pitched voice he said, "it's okay, everyone, that silly boy was lying… I'm actually me. Let's go pick flowers and put them near patient's beds… And things gentle… And feminine… Doilies… Cream puffs dancing through rose-coloured clouds… Lacy dresses… And **** like that…"

The patients and members of Division Four had stopped screaming and were all sort of looking at Unohana aka. Mayuri askance. One of them asked, "does anyone actually know what Mayuri-pretending-to-be-Unohana is talking about?"

"Oh, well, that failed," Mayuri said nonchalantly, shrugging Unohana's shoulders. "Now that that's over and done with EVERYONE IN THIS BUILDING IS MY SPECIMEN!"

People began screaming again. In the midst of this, an Oompa Loompa being attacked by a stork ran into the room. He saw Mayuri, stopped.

"_Specimen_."

Makizou ran back out of the room.

#

Nemu walked into her Captain's laboratory area. Strangely, the machines that usually littered the room had been tidied up. She investigated further and found that, for once, the laboratories had been altered to the extent that, if a random person off the street walked inside, they actually _wouldn't_ immediately run outside, screaming.

"Captain?" called Nemu.

Mayuri came into the room. Immediately, she saw that this Mayuri was different. The black mask was gone. As was his outfit. In fact, Mayuri wore ordinary working clothes, his blue hair not restrained. He was dismantling a machine which Nemu was pretty sure was supposed to make toenails grow at alarmingly fast rates. Why Mayuri had created this particular machine, she didn't know, but then again, she didn't know why Mayuri did most of the things he did.

Mayuri looked up at her, and there was a different quality in his eyes than normal. He smiled at her. "Hello, Lieutenant Nemu. You've been gone a long time."

Nemu blinked. She pieced together the pieces in her mind. "… Captain… Unohana?"

"That's right. I knew you were bright."

"Um… Thankyou." She spared herself a moment to get over the shock of actually receiving a compliment from someone who looked disturbingly like Mayuri. "But my Captain probably won't appreciate you taking apart his devices."

"Oh, I'm sure it will be alright," she said, unconcerned. "In any case, this will prevent the steady stream of patients who come to Division Four with odd wounds. Odder than normal, I mean." There was a trace of steel in her voice which told her that the Captain was working out some long-held grudge.

"I see…" Nemu stopped. An odd expression came over her face. "Would you excuse me."

"Of course." The Lieutenant left, leaving Unohana in Mayuri's body, looking about herself.

"Well, that's all the machines gone… now for those laboratories."

Orihime blinked innocently beside Jinta's bed as he woke up. "Um… Mister Jinta? Are you alright?"

The red-headed boy coughed, his eyes watering. "Where… Where am I? And why do I feel like someone just scrubbed my tongue with a nail-file?"

"That's because you did," Orihime said, worried.

"I did the same with a scrubbing brush," admitted Tessai from the next bed.

"What the hell are you doing in the same room as me?" asked Jinta suspiciously.

"They shoved us all in the same room when we came in together," explained Chad from further across the room.

"Is everyone conscious yet?" Orihime asked him, as he was the furthest away from her that she could see without standing.

"I think so…"

"Ururu?"

A little girl's voice answered, "my mouth hurts."

"Chad, are you feeling better?"

"I didn't know it was possible to throw up that much."

"Tessai?"

"I won't be able to eat food for a month."

"And you're okay too, right Jinta?"

"…Why the_ hell_ is my hair pink?" Jinta was looking at the threads, angry.

"The food was so bad it made it pink." The voice didn't come from the five of them.

"Holy crap, the food made us hallucinate!" exclaimed Jinta. "And made my hair pink!"

"You look so gay."

"Shut up."

"Now there are two mysterious voices!" exclaimed Orihime, looking around. "I wonder where they're coming from?"

"Stop talking, you'll blow our cover."

"But, look at him, he looks stupid with pink hair."

"That's it, who the hell is saying that!"

"Are you sure you should be out of bed?" asked Chad. "Considering that you almost died a moment ago?"

"I can't believe they deserted me for that…"

"_Shut up_."

"Is that… Jesus?" asked Orihime. "In two people?"

"…What?" asked Tessai, confused.

"It's either Jesus in two people or my boobs, and they only talk to me when I'm alone."

"… Yeah, okay." Jinta muttered. He raised his voice. "Whoever that is, come out right now."

There was a brief moment of silence before someone hissed, "I blame you for this!" Yoruichi then appeared from nowhere. Urahara came out from under Tessai's bed a moment later, bruised.

"I don't know which is weirder," confessed Tessai. "The fact that you were hiding in this room, or the fact that you're hiding under my bed."

"Hi, Yoruichi, hi Urahara," greeted Orihime cheerfully. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Hiding from Soifon," confessed the dark-skinned cat-woman.

"…And why do you two look like you're going to get married?"

"Because they are," said a deceptively sweet voice from the window. The seven of them turned, two in horror. Soifon stood in the window, a neat little circle cut out of it behind her.

"Run," Yoruichi said before leaving the room.

"Do as she says," Urahara agreed before doing the same.

Soifon blinked, hurt. She sniffed. "Kitty and Hat-man ran away… On their wedding day." She turned her eyes to the rest of the inhabitants of the room. "This is your fault."

"Hi, Soifon, are you hungry?" asked Orihime obliviously, not aware that, very slowly, the two men and two children were slipping out of their beds and edging towards the door. "I have some leftovers, if you'd like them."

"No, thankyou." Soifon smiled sweetly. "But I'm a little upset that you stopped Kitty and Hat-man getting married. And, for that, **you must all pay**."

Orihime was dragged away by four pairs of hands, and soon the five of them had caught up to the two fleeing members of the Seireitei.

"What the hell happened and why is Soifon a child?" shouted Jinta.

"I didn't know you two were getting married!" rejoiced Orihime. "Can I make your wedding cake?"

"No!" shouted Urahara. "Because we are_ not getting married_!"

"We need to get to the Seireitei and hope that someone can reverse this!" shouted Yoruichi. There was no way she was being forced into marriage with Urahara. No way in hell.

#

"_What_ did you say?" Rukia was glaring at Renji. "My brother entered into a competition with Captain Zaraki to see who could hurt Ichigo-"

"Brutally kill him," Renji corrected morbidly.

"Thankyou, brutally kill him-"

"Many times over."

"Many times over, and you waited until_ now_ to tell me?_ Why_?"

"Because I wanted to stupid dandelion to suffer," Renji said, almost apologetically, in a helpless sort of way.

"You say that like there isn't anything wrong with it."

"You weren't there that night that I had to share a bedroom…" Renji's eyes twitched.

"Traumatised or not, you're going to help me fix this. We need to give Zangetsu back to Ichigo, or someone's going to kill him before he annoys me enough that I want to do it myself."

"…I thought you said you liked him," Renji frowned, confused.

"I do, but sometimes I just want to kill him." Rukia shrugged. "I'm female, I'm allowed to change my mind. Now, come on, we need to find him before something bad happens to him."

#

Zaraki finally managed to get himself up from the whole. He thought he spotted Byakuya stumbling around a corner, being strangled by his own hair, but the Captain had more important things to think about. Zaraki needed to find Ichigo so he could kill him. Twice. He didn't actually have a particular reason for wanting to do so. When he was confronted with a problem, he killed it. Easy.

He stormed along, ignoring everyone in his path, until someone made him do a double-take. Two someones, actually. There were two pretty women, one with huge boobs, and one with a flat chest. He squinted at them as they tried to walk away. "Just a minute!" he shouted before going up to them, squinting suspiciously. "My Ichigo senses are tingling… Haven't happened to see him, have you?"

"Uh, no sir," said the flat-chested one in a high-pitched voice. "We're just simple girls. Ahaha."

"Ahaha," said the other one.

"You sure? He looks… Kind of like you, actually, with orange spiky hair. Like a dandelion. Except he doesn't have boobs."

"Nope, sorry, haven't seen him. Ahaha," Ichigo laughed in as girly a giggle as he could summon. It was disturbingly girly.

"Ahaha," Uryu added.

"Oh, well, if you do, send him my way." With that, Zaraki left, scratching his head a little. He could have sworn that he'd seen those women somewhere before… He ignored this feeling to shout, "OH, IIIIIIIIIIICHIGOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M COOOOOOOOOMING! I WILL USE THE AWESOME POWER OF DRAWS TO HUNT YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!"

Ichigo and Uryu swapped a look that said, quite plainly, "what the ****?" before continuing on their path.

#

"Come back, _specimen_!"

"Ow, get off me," the tormented Oompa Loompa shouted at the bird who pecked at him as he paused in the corridor he'd fled to. He looked about himself. In the corridor, a little way away, an odd scene was being played out.

There were two people with children on their backs, all of them looking with fierce determination at a swaying figure.

"ZANPAKTO VERSES THIRD-SEATERS AND OTHER ZANAPAKTO SPIRITS!" shouted the two children.

"Doesn't this seem a little unfair?" asked the swaying figure meekly. "Four against one barely-conscious person?... Actually, you know what, never mind. Even if it was one of you it would still be unfair, because I would still lose. If it was just a wall I'd still lose."

"_There you are, specimen_!"

Mayuri's unmistakable screech alerted Makizou as to the reason why he kept running. He looked about himself as the stork took a brief break, flying out of the open window. Makizou decided that he'd take a page out of the bird's book.

Mayuri in Unohana's body, or diving out the window? Makizou took the window.

Behind him, Mayuri looked out of the window. The specimen was running away. He frowned as he heard a crash. Turning, he saw that a dark-haired Division four member had fallen onto the ground.

"Aw, but we didn't even get to attack him…" moaned the two little Zanpakto spirits. Mayuri ignored this exchange to dive out of the window after the fleeing Oompa Loompa. He had an experiment to conduct.

#

"If I were an insane dandelion, where would I hide?" mused Renji thoughtfully. Rukia hit him over the head. "Hey, what was that for?"

"Because it's bad to insult people."

"…And you make that better by hitting them?"

"No, I just wanted to hit you that time. This is for insulting Ichigo, since he's not here to do it himself."

"_Ow_! Since when did you become his representative?"

"Since I began carrying his Zanpakto." Rukia sighed. "Look, this isn't working. We'll have more of a chance of finding him if we split up. I'll meet you back home when the sun sets, whether we find him or not. If you or I find him, we wait for the other there. Deal?"

"Sure," agreed Renji, happy not to be around Rukia when she was in a hitting mood. At least she wasn't in a drawing mood any more. Small mercies. They split up, the two of them going in different directions.

Renji spent several long minutes looking, but followed the trail of destruction, broken buildings and people groaning and muttering disconsolately, which was usually left either by Zaraki or Ichigo. His eye was snagged by a spiky orange head. "Hey, Ichigo-" The spiky head in question turned around. "Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone I know." He was looking at two women. Casually, his eye drifted down, and was caught by something. Or, rather, by two very large, very awe-inspiring somethings. "_Whoooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaa_."

The woman slapped him. "_Pervert_."

"Ow… Everyone's hitting me today."

"Everyone should, Renji."

"Have you seen Rukia?" asked Uryu. "Maybe she can help us get out of the Seireitei."

Renji blinked at them. "…Do I know either of you?"

"Come on, Renji, it's us. Ichigo and Uryu."

"…Ichigo and Uryu are men. They don't have boobs." Uryu rose an eyebrow pointedly, pointing at his flat chest. "You know what I mean. No way are you guys them."

"I know that you wake up people by standing over them in a way which makes you look like you're going to rape them. How could I know that if I wasn't Ichigo?"

Renji ignored the logic of this to leer, "I'd like the wake _you_ up like that."

Ichigo twitched. "I. Am. Ichigo. _Male_."

"Your chest disagrees. Vehemently."

_**He has a point, Ichigo**_.

"Shut UP, Hichigo, I thought you were gone!"

Renji blinked. "…Ichigo? What the _hell_ happened to you?" He paused, rethought the last few minutes. "Ew, I flirted with _Ichigo_."

"I'm disgusted too, don't worry," Ichigo reassured the other… Well, _the_ man. "One of Mayuri's machines went off when we were in the room."

"And you turned into a woman. A really hot woman."

"You're flirting again, Renji, and it's kind of creepy."

"That wasn't flirting, that was an observation."

"That was so flirting, and now your eyebrows are doing a weird dancing things… Lecherously.. Renji, stop it. I mean it. That's creepy. RENJI, STOP GIVING ME A RAPE FACE!"

"Have you looked at yourself naked yet?" drooled Renji. Ichigo slapped him again. "Ow… Just because you didn't think of it."

"We need to find Rukia," Uryu reminded them.

"Come on, then, let's see if we can find her," Renji said, all offence gone, probably because Ichigo still had boobs approximately the size of Canada.

#

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Rukia was unable to have any similar experiences, as she had fallen into a hole soon after separating from Renji.

"Who the _hell_ dug this thing…"

#

Unohana, in Mayuri's body, looked about herself. There were many laboratories, most of them holding different kinds of species. Unohana had let them all out, feeling that it was cruel to keep them there any longer. Now there was a bunch of random creatures, of all different species, shapes, sizes, colours, eating habits, mating habits (which she had to witness, unfortunately) and living habits. Oddly, including a wrestling syndicate that was run by an extremely enthusiastic beaver. Now they were all stuck in Mayuri's experimenting rooms, and she was wondering if she had actually done the right thing.

"Captain Unohana, I'm back-" began Nemu's voice as she opened the front door. Unfortunately, this had the unfortunate side-affect of causing a stampede of random creatures to flee the area. Nemu stood back, stunned. "Was that…"

"All of Kurotsutchi's creatures, yes," Unohana replied from inside Mayuri, depressed.

"Oh, dear."

#

"DRESSES ARE NOT MADE FOR RUNNING!" shouted Yoruichi as she tried to run in the long, old-fashioned wedding dress. The only way she could do this was by hitching most of it up around her waist, and the result was that, despite the fact she was normally faster than all the others combined, she could only just stay in front of them. And she looked like she was carrying a giant, white, frilly donut around her waist.

"I know!" called Orihime, tired, as she ran in her skirt, at the very back of the string of running people.

"Fell our pain!" Ururu said after her, nearer to Yoruichi than Orihime.

"You shouldn't wear them, then!" called Urahara, who was somewhere in the middle of the lot, his hat under his arm as it kept blowing off.

"I hardly had a choice!"

"Can you two stop arguing and just run faster?" Jinta snapped, a little further than Ururu.

"I think we're going as fast as we can," Tessai interrupted, him and Chad just in front of Orihime, each of them there to occasionally urge her on.

"She's gaining on us," Chad remarked. They all tried to run faster. They were now well into the Seireitei, blazing through it. "Hey, does anyone else notice that there are a lot of holes around this-"

This remark was stopped by the way he, then Orihime, fell into the hole that the others had somehow managed to circumnavigate.

"Should we go back for them?" suggested Ururu worriedly.

"Hell, no," shouted Yoruichi.

"We'll mourn their loss, now run!" Jinta contributed.

"Orihime, are you alright?" asked Chad, concerned.

"I'm fine," Orihime answered. "I landed on something…"

"That was me."

"Oh. Sorry." She got off him, and they looked up. "How are we going to get out?"

"We'll find a way." They paused, while the light was interrupted by an object which looked suspiciously like a dark-haired girl with small pig-tails.

"Kitty? Hat-man? Are you down there?" She glared at them for a moment. "You aren't Kitty or Hat-man. You're guests, and not important."

"Guests?" asked Orihime, blinking in confusion.

"Not important?" mused Chad quietly. Obviously the whole saving-lives-and-occasionally-the-Seireitei didn't matter with the miniaturised Stealth force Captain.

"To the wedding," explained Soifon cheerfully. "but we still need a best man…" She looked at Chad. Chad, for the first time, was immediately fearful.

"Tessai or Jinta are closest to Urahara," he said quickly.

"Really? Not you?"

"No. In fact, we don't like each other. In fact, we fight sometimes," Chad lied through his teeth. He actually had some measure of respect for the man.

"Oh… In that case, maybe you shouldn't come to the wedding. **Which means you die**."

"Shouldn't you be looking for the best man?" asked Orihime. "If you're getting together the wedding, that is."

"Of course," Soifon realised. "The best man is the most important. Pest extermination comes later." With that, she left.

Chad looked at Orihime. "Good intervention. I didn't know you could act that well."

Orihime blinked, confused again. "Intervention? Acting?"

"…Never mind. How do we get out of here?"

#

Matsumoto sighed. She was finally back in her own quarters. Well, the office which was inside her quarters. She wasn't really happy about this arrangement, but considering that Hitsugaia was out cold, it couldn't be helped. She looked at him. She'd drugged him by managing to give him a lollipop laced with several strong sedatives. After that, he had transformed into his adult(-ish) form and stayed like it. She gave him some more sedatives to be safe and then began working on the little business she had started up before.

Hitsugaia would kill her if he ever found out.

#

Zaraki frowned as he saw a small, orange being running through the streets. Following it was Mayuri. It was very clearly Mayuri as he was wearing his odd side-ways hat, the white costume and black mask, and the long middle fingernail he always did, even if it seemed oddly-shaped for Mayuri. Then again, all had heard the child screaming what had happened before, so he knew that he'd see Mayuri in Unohana's body.

"Hey, can I have back the pansy of your Division-" he began, running alongside the oddly-shaped Mayuri in Unohana's body.

"Yes, whatever, just get out of my way, I'm hunting specimens!"

With that, Kenpachi peeled off in order to find said pansy. He headed towards Division Four and found him lying on the floor, seemingly either abandoned or forgotten. Or possibly abandoned and then forgotten.

"Hey, pansy, wake up," said Zaraki, kicking him a bit to wake him up, then a bit more just for the hell of it.

"Screwdrivers," mumbled Hanatarou. "And dancing… Penguins…"

"…What?"

Hanatarou opened his eyes, rolled over. "Oh, hello Captain. Have you come to kill me?"

"…Not this time."

"Really?" there was some surprise in his tone. "In that case, what can I do for you…" He fainted again. Zaraki kicked him some more, this time in the kidneys. "Ouch."

"Stay awake. I have an incredible plan to make sure I defeat Ichigo Kurosaki."

"That's nice," said Hanatarou blearily.

"Twice."

"Will I have to do it?"

"… No, no I'm the one defeating him."

"That's good… Will I have to patch him up after?"

"…No. He'll be dead. That's kind of the point. I want to fight him. So he dies. Twice."

"Oh. Less work, I suppose." Hanatarou fainted again, and Zaraki kicked him a few times. "There goes my kidney."

"You're helping."

"To kill Ichigo? Because, even if there wasn't the whole moral dilemma and the fact that he's my friend, I'm too weak to hurt him. Or his big toe, to be honest."

"…You aren't going to tell me not to kill him?"

"I like my internal organs. I'd rather keep them… Well, internal."

"I have an ingenious plan to capture him!"

Hanatarou waited.

"You'll do it and bring him to me."

"…That's not actually a plan. That's you just getting me to do your job."

Zaraki kicked him again for good measure. "Do it, and do it before Byakuya can get his hands on him."

Hanatarou twitched a little. "…My other kidney."


	12. Breaking the Fourth Wall

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**Chapter Twelve**

**Breaking The Fourth Wall**

Urahara, Yoruichi, Jinta, Tessai and Ururu were panting as they hid in an alleyway, catching their breaths.

"Has anyone else noticed anything weird about the Seireitei?" asked Urahara, frowning slightly.

"You mean the child Stealth Force captain trying to forcibly wed you and Yoruichi?" Tessai asked.

"No, though that's kind of strange, too."

"You mean the random holes that people keep falling into?" Jinta volunteered, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"No- I mean, yes, that is weird, but I don't specifically mean _that_."

"You mean the way that there are weird and completely random animals which shouldn't actually exist flying and/or crawling everywhere?" Ururu ventured. A cow with a flamingo's head paused at the entrance of the alleyway, squawked at them, then kept walking.

"No… Though, now that you think about it, I am kind of wondering where the hell they came from."

"You mean the way that everyone on this show seems to be able to run for indefinite periods of time and not collapse of oxygen deprivation, or due to the fact that their legs have given up on them?" Yoruichi stated. "Seriously, if we all entered a marathon together, we'd get main prizes and be world champions."

"… Now that you think about it, that is kind of –HEY! NO BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!"

"… Sorry. Delete that scene."

SCENE DELETED

"Right, now that we've fixed the fourth wall-"

"The what?" asked Ururu, confused.

"What just… Happened?" frowned the now pink-haired Jinta.

"You'll learn when you're a bit older," Yoruichi told him, patting him on the pink, fuzzy, head. "Although you don't seem to actually grow up on this-"

"_Yoruichi_!"

"Sorry. Delete that one, too."

SCENE ALSO DELETED

"Let's get back onto a safer topic," suggested Yoruichi. "Like what you found so weird, Urahara."

"Does anyone else find it strange how many people are running around today?" the hat-wearing man finally stated. "Seriously, we saw Captain Zaraki before, if you remember-"

"What? When!" exclaimed Jinta, having missed it.

"He was carrying some small, screaming person whose face rang a bell… He was screaming something like, 'NO, ICHIGO'S GONNA KILL ME, PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE IN PEACE!'… Or something."

"Huh. Funny, that."

They all looked around as a voice caught their ears. As someone blazed past, they heard the words, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" A big white bird flew after him, shouting "thought you'd get away! You've got another thing coming!"

"…They have all sorts of characters here, don't they?" asked Urahara, still holding his hat.

"Did that bird just…" Tessai began, scratching his head. He stopped himself a moment later when an oddly-shaped Mayuri ran past.

"… Did Captain Mayuri seem more… womanly than normal?" asked Urahara.

Their musings were stopped when a large squawk made them all freeze. They crept to the entrance of the alleyway and peeked out, one by one. A little way away, Soifon had caught the large, white bird chasing the terrified man. Heedless, man and Mayuri in Unohana's body continued onwards.

Soifon blinked at the bird. "Birdie talks?"

"Damn straight, and this birdie is going to bite too if you don't-"

Birdie abruptly stopped talking. Soifon's hand around its neck probably had something to do with this.

"Is Birdie going to be nice as do what Soifon tells it to?" she asked sweetly, momentarily letting Birdie breathe.

"If you stop strangling me!"

Soifon did, still holding it firmly. "What does Birdie do?"

"I bring people their babies."

"Families?"

"…Sure, why?"

"Would Birdie help Soifon make Kitty and Hat-man happy?"

"Why am I getting a bad feeling about this?" asked Yoruichi glumly.

"Birdie's going to give Hat-man and Kitty babies so they _have_ to get married," Soifon declared, jumping onto Birdie's back.

"ACK!" squawked Birdie. "My back is not meant to take this much weight!"

"Fly, Birdie, and we'll find them children!" They flew off together.

"… You have got to be ****ing kidding me."

#

"Renji, for the last time, _stop flirting with me_. It's… I'll be honest, it's kind of scaring me."

"But you're so hot, woman who thinks she's Ichigo."

"Uryu, help me out here!"

"Ichigo, I respect you and all that, but right now I'm just glad it's your turn as opposed to mine. Sorry, you're on your own."

"…Bastard."

The three figures, two woman-who-used-to-be-men and only one actual man, stopped as a bunch of figures passed them, led by the pink-haired Lieutenant of Squad Eleven and followed by a storm of green-clad, green-masked people. They passed the three without a second look.

"PRESERVE THE PONIES OF THE WORLD!"

"DON'T LET THEM BECOME EXTINCT!"

"SAVE- OH, GOD, IT'S EATING MY KIDNEY!" This came from a man carrying a small rodent. He let go of it quickly and ran after the others.

The small rodent turned and looked at the three. They recoiled. It had the legs of a frog and the body of a rat, with the tail of a very small horse. It hissed at them from a cat's face and hopped away.

Ichigo spoke first. "I think I speak for all of us when I say, what the ****?"

#

"Hey, it's Rukia, she who removed the Kenseiken!"

Rukia looked up out of the deep hole she had fallen into, Zangetsu cradled in her hands. Above her was, "brother!"

Byakuya, instead of replying, just coughed a bit. This probably had something to do with the fact that his own hair had stopped strangling him as it had caught sight of Rukia.

"All hail the glorious one who freed us! HAIL! HAIL!"

"Um… I would feel much more glorious if you got me out of this hole," Rukia asked. She had been perfectly willing to make her own way out, but it would be easier with her brother's hair- Help, she meant… Help.

"Of course, Rukia the Epic." The hair smacked Byakuya in the face. "Go, inadequate one, save your sister!"

"Stop hitting me," Byakuya ordered once he could breathe again. Shaking his head, he drew Rukia from the hole. "Rukia, sister, why were you in this hole?"

"I fell in when I was looking for Ichigo," she admitted. Immediately, she glared at her brother. "_Which reminds me_. What's with this who-can-kill-Ichigo-first game?"

Byakuya tried to look innocent. Since his expressions changed very little, it didn't work. "I don't know what you mean- argh!"

"Liars shall be exterminated!" declared the Hair.

"Please stop strangling my brother," Rukia asked, rubbing her forehead.

"Aw…" The Hair withdrew, disappointed.

"I may ask you to do it again later, don't worry."

"Yay!" cheered the Hair.

"What?" asked Byakuya.

Rukia glared at him. "_Five minutes_. Five. Freaking. Minutes. That's how long I would like you NOT TO BE TRYING TO KILL ICHIGO! I leave you alone for, how long and you start trying to kill him?"

"Twice," supplied the Hair.

"What?" frowned Rukia.

"They want to resurrect him and kill him again, him and Zaraki, to kill him twice."

"Ah, yes, thankyou- I leave you alone and you start trying to kill him _twice_. Normally, brother, I wish I was related to you by blood, but now, right at this moment, I'm kind of glad I'm not, because that way I know I didn't inherit your CRAZY GENE!"

Byakuya blinked. "I'm hurt. I never thought you, my dear sister, would take the Ryoka's side over mine. But, given the circumstances, I can see why you would want to, and why you're more emotional than normal."

This time Rukia blinked. "Yeah, okay, I'm lost again."

"Ichigo has obviously used his Ryoka wiles on you to chain you to him and influence your mind." He patted her on the shoulder, ignoring her immense disbelief. "Don't worry, sister, I shall remove the problem. The problem which is Ichigo's charms. Since he doesn't have any, there is only one way he could charm you; and I shall remove that way. Which means I shall be removing his reproductive organs. And his life. Twice."

"…" Said Rukia.

"I will begin by taking that Zanpakto from you; I can see it's Ichigo's, and that he has probably asked you to return it to him." Byakuya reached for Zangetsu. Rukia wasn't exactly sure what happened next. All she knew was that, one moment, she was gaping at her brother, the next Zangetsu had moved on its own and she was hearing the screams of hair. She blinked and began struggling not to laugh.

"At least," she snorted a little. "You won't have to worry about your hair talking in public any more."

Byakuya just looked at her. Somehow, Zangestu had manages to cut all of his hair off. He was bald.

#

"What are you two doing down there?" asked a female voice. Chad and Orihime looked up from the hole they had fallen into.

"Hi, Rangiku," Orihime smiled cheerfully. "How are you?"

"I'm too depressed to answer that. Do you two need a hand getting out of those holes?" she asked, frowning slightly. She helped them out and began hitting Chad. "Hi, Chad, how have you been going?"

"Fine. Why is it that you always hit me instead of just saying hello?" asked Chad.

"Because Hitsugaia will fire me if I hit him and I have to take out my anger on someone," she explained. "What are you guys doing in the Seireitei?"

"We ran here from Soifon," explained Chad stoically.

"Ah. She's still a kid?"

"Yeah, how did you-"

"I saw her."

"…And she didn't do anything to you?" asked Chad, confused.

"I saw her. Then I ran."

"Ah."

"Hey, Rangiku?" asked Orihime, confused too. "Where is Captain Toshiro? Isn't he usually with you…" She trailed off, probably because Matsumoto's eye began to twitch. "Uh... Are you-"

"NO MORE PAPERWORK!"

"…What?" asked Chad.

"What?" replied Matsumoto.

"You said -never mind." Chad blinked, looked around. "Do you think the others are safe?"

"From Soifon? Not a chance."

"We need to find a way to make them go back to how they were before…" This time it was Chad's turn to peter out. "Does anyone else see that?"

"You mean the magic cloud that's rushing towards us and will magically transport us to some random theme park where we can go win those really big teddies?" Orihime enthused… Enthusiastically.

"…No," Chad said shortly. "I mean the herd of animals rushing towards us."

There was a long moment of silence. Then Matsumoto bellowed, "STAMPEDE!"

#

"Rukia, you called me –OH GOD, IT'S HIDEOUS!"

Aesegawa flinched back, his eyes growing as large as dinner plates. They abruptly began to fill with tears.

"You're…Crying?" asked Rukia.

"I… _sniff_ Just feel… _sniff_ So horrible…"

"Let me get this straight; you're a member of Squad Eleven, ergo a small whirlwind of destruction-"

"Attractive."

"What?"

"_Sniff _Attractive whirlwind of destruction."

"…Why not? An attractive whirlwind of destruction-"

"Rukia, your attraction to men of questionable morals-" Byakuya said, looking at Aesegawa coldly. It wasn't surprising that he was there, considering that they were in his office.

"_Sniff_ Beautifully questionable."

"_Will you two stop interrupting me_?" Rukia shouted. She took a breath. "Like I was saying –wait, _attracted_! I couldn't be attracted to him, he's…" She paused and looked at Aesegawa, who was still busy crying. Beautifully. She made do with a shudder. "Just no. But, surely you, a member of Squad Eleven, can't be moved to tears by _this_!"

She pointed. This happened to be Byakuya's head, completely uncovered by even a single hair.

"But… He's wonderful hair… Not as nice as mine, but then again, whose is?... It's all _sniff_ _gone_!" With that, Aesegawa sat in the corner and cried.

"Isn't your friend bald as well?" Rukia snapped, still confused, but more than that, irritated by the way Aesegawa was dabbing his eyes with a lacy handkerchief.

"Well, yes, but his hair was ugly anyway, so that doesn't count. _Sniff_."

"I asked you here to see if you had a wig or something for my brother," the girl said, getting to her point. "You were the only one I could think of to ask."

Aesegawa looked up. Tragically. "Well, of course… But you don't want to get him to walk all that way? People will call him names like cue-ball, baldie, no-hair-"

"Yeah, that's why-" Rukia tried.

"-and shiny-top and the hairless monster-"

"I am actually right here-" Byakuya tried.

"- and no-hairy-ma-bob and Da Bald-Mister-"

"…What?" said both siblings.

"You totally made that last one up," muttered Rukia.

"-and start making weird rap songs about how you have no hair." Finished Aesegawa. "_Sniff_. And you don't want that."

"That," Rukia said slowly. "Is why you can get it. After all, I don't want him threatening any more people."

"Why? _Sniff_."

"Because he did it to about ten guards on the way here and now they've all resigned, which means more work for later on when we have to try and replace them."

"…Resigned? After a little threat?" Evidentially, Aesegawa had gotten over crying beautifully and was now back to being ordinarily attractive.

"I threatened to rip off their manhood and dissect it before their eyes."

"That's not too bad."

"Then he began trying to do it," Rukia completed.

"Ouch," said a voice which wasn't Rukia, Byakuya nor Aesegawa. Slowly, they all looked around as their came the sounds of someone smacking someone else over the head.

"Urahara!"

"Sorry, but you've got to admit, that would hurt."

"You're going to hurt in a minute…"

"Yoruichi? Urahara?" asked Rukia, recognising the voices. Suddenly, there were five more people in the office. "Argh! Where the hell did you all come from?"

"Argh!" exclaimed Jinta. "Why the hell is that guy bald?"

"At least my hair is not pink," the older Kutchiki sibling stated imperiously.

"…It's not any colour. You don't _have_ any."

"We were running away from Soifon so we came here," explained Yoruichi.

"…And why are you wearing a wedding-"

"Don't even _ask_."

"How did you get in here?" asked Byakuya, looking at the five of them. "Didn't the guard stop you?"

"There weren't any," Tessai told him, surprised.

"Oh, right, they all quit… But how did you manage to hide in here?" Byakuya continued, ignoring the way the two children were trying not to laugh at his bald head. "It's a Japanese room. There's just a mat for furniture. There's no way a mutant chipmunk could hide in here, let alone five people!"

Just then, a mutant chipmunk appeared on the floor, after having hidden in the room. It jumped on Byakuya, did a crap on his head, and fled the room.

There was a moment of silence. Stoically, Byakuya walked over to Aesegawa, stole his handkerchief, and wiped his head before throwing the small lacy scrap out of the window.

"I'm going to pretend that didn't happen."

"Kitty, Hat-man! Congratulations, you have a baby!" A voice screamed from outside before a small girl riding some kind of pelican-type thing dove into the room, soared around, throwing a small bundle at Yoruichi and Urahara. It crashed onto the floor. There was a very masculine, deep voice which said, "ARGH, MY SPLEEN! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW STORKS HAD SPLEENS, BUT MINE JUST WENT!"

Urahara and Yoruichi had been standing together, and had caught the bundle that way. They looked down at it. A particularly ugly baby looked at them back. The three traded a glance before adults and child decided that they mutually disliked each other. The baby began screaming.

"Now Kitty and Hat-man will _have_ to get married," said the child Soifon happily. She looked a bit older than she had been when they had last met.

"…Captain Soifon?" asked Byakuya, confused. "Weren't you…Adult last time we met?"

"No, Kitty will not be getting married," 'Kitty' said through clenched teeth, pushing the baby onto Urahara.

"Hey! Why do I have to hold it?"

"Because you sell everything. Just start a slave-trading ring and sell the damn kid for ridiculous profit."

"…Huh," Urahara muttered, looking at the child in speculation.

"If Hat-man and Kitty don't want to be married…" Soifon said, hurt. Her eyes filled with tears. For a moment, everyone, including the cold-hearted (bald) Byakuya felt a moment of 'aw' as befitting even the most cute-obsessed Japanese person and considered letting Soifon have her way. For a moment, Urahara and Yoruichi considered a wedding, marriage, and what would come after. A life together. Growing old, rocking on those grandma rocking-chair things, a dozen or so grandchildren running around…

"Do they actually have those rocking chairs any more?" asked Ururu.

"A dozen grandchildren? What are you, rabbits?" asked Jinta.

"Hey, NO INTRUDING ON CONTEMPLATIVE THOUGHTS!"

Yes, they imagined the sunset fading on their final breaths, holding each other's hand in that last sweet moment, turning to say those treasured words, looking back of years of fond memories…

"Yeah…" Began Yoruichi slowly. "_No_. Just, just no. Words can not convey how wrong that whole scene is. First of all, we're freaking _soul reapers_! Do you have any idea how long it would take for us to get to that age! Second of all, it's Urahara! Don't get me wrong, he's a good friend-"

"Aaaw-," said Urahara before the baby in his arms decided to explore Urahara's left nostril with his entire fist. "-aaaARGH!"

"But he'd make a crap husband. Third of all, do you have any idea how bored I would get, being a good little wife?"

"You could always be a naughty little housewife," suggested Soifon. "And, by naughty, I mean with whips and maids outfits."

"SOMEONE GET THIS DAMN KID OUT OF MY NOSTRIL!"

"…Aaaaaaand- yup, there it goes," smiled Yoruichi cheerfully. "My grip on reality just waved goodbye as it went on a vacation to Mexico from hearing that coming from a child."

Abruptly, the soft, tear-blurred look in Soifon's eyes was replaced by one of cold steel.

"SMALL FINGERS WEREN'T MEANT TO GO UP THAT FA-A-AAAAAAA_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR_!"

"If Kitty won't marry Hat-man with just one child," began the small girl. "Then Kitty will have to get more. **Then she will marry**." With that, the terrifying child leaped upon the much-abused Stork, ignoring its complaints ("ARGH! THERE GOES MY OTHER SPLEEN! I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE TWO, BUT THERE IT GOES!")

Yoruichi looked back at Urahara, smiled and said, "good luck with that slave-trading ring," and dove out the window, running for her future.

"…I hate you," Urahara said before, "OH, GOD, THAT'S MY CEREBRAL CORTEX! FINGERS AREN'T MEANT TO TOUCH THAT!"

"Should we do anything?" asked Rukia, worried as she looked from the window to Urahara.

"SERIOUSLY, GUYS, THIS KID IS TOUCHING MY _BRAIN_!"

"We have our own problems to deal with," Byakuya dismissed. "Like how we're going to kill Ichigo Kurosaki. Twice."

"…What?" Rukia asked, wondering just where that last one had come from. "Did you tune out of the last ten minutes or something?"

"WHAT THE- MY EYES ARE OPEN, BUT I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING AND I'M SMELLING CHOCOLATE- THIS KID IS REWIRING MY BRAIN!"

"Certainly not. It is quite plain to me that all of this is Kurosaki's fault. It was his Zanpakto which shaved me, which reminds me." Byakuya turned to Aesegawa. "bring me a wig. I'm sure you have many."

"Yes, Captain Kutchiki," Aesegawa said, before leaving the room.

"Does anyone find it weird that that guy has _wigs_?" asked Jinta, sniggering. "Gay, much?"

"Says the guy with pink hair," pointed out Rukia.

"She has a point, Jinta," Ururu told him.

"Stay out of this!"

"She?" pouted Aesegawa.

Urahara would have contributed, but he didn't seem to be able to speak any more.

"Not only was it Kurosaki's Zanpakto which shaved my head, it was him being here that caused all of this," Byakuya continued, ignoring them. "Only when he arrived, did all of this start happening. Therefore, it is his fault. Therefore, he must be completed shaved –and I don't just mean on the head- and castrated with a large Jackhammer." He paused, considered. "Preferably on some kind of sacrificial table."

And, to this, Rukia could say absolutely nothing.

#

Makizou was having a brief moment of respite. This was due to the fact that he had been running for his life when a stampede had inexplicably come between him and Mayuri-in-Unohana's-body. It had been preceded by three running people, two red-heads with chests which should have been knocking people out left and right but were, instead, somehow staying relatively still, and one large, tan man, all of which were running away from the stampede.

"Why don't we do the smart thing and duck into an alleyway or something?" shouted Matsumoto.

"Because we never do that," supplied Orihime. "It looks cooler if we just keep running forward!"

"And you don't find anything wrong with that?"

"KILL THEM!" shouted someone from behind them. There were people in green riding the various animals which made up the stampede, all of which seemed to be mutants and hybrids. Or mutant hybrids.

"MURDER THOSE WHO WOULD MAKE THE PONIES EXTINCT!"

"ALL HAIL THE PONIES!"

"HAIL! HAIL!"

"AND BRUTALLY MURDER ALL OF THOSE WHO WOULD HARM SAID PONIES _WITH_ SAID PONIES!"

"Ooooooooh, reality warp," they said together. "And MURDER WITH PONIES!"

Orihime began to turn around. "Yay, ponies!"

Chad stopped her, made her keep running. "No, Orihime. Keep running." And they had. All of this, Makizou had managed to catch, as most of it had been shouted. While the stampede continued, he tried to hide off the side of the road. Luckily, Mayuri couldn't see him. Unluckily, the Greens could see him.

"IT'S AN OOMPA LOOMPA!"

"LET'S USE IT AS A WEAPON TO DEFEAT OUR ENEMIES!"

"Oh, no," Makizou muttered before he was seized and tied on the back of a reindeer with flippers. "This thing shouldn't be able to run!"

"IGNORE THE OOMPA LOOMPA!"

"IGNORE! IGNORE!"

"How is that ignoring me?" he shouted.

"They're catching up," shouted Orihime.

"ATTACK THE PONY-HATERS WITH THE OOMPA LOOMPA!"

"ATTACK! ATTACK!"

Makizou was abruptly untied. "I was tied up like, a second ago! Make up your… Screw this, I'm on a reindeer with flippers. MY LIFE DOESN'T MAKE SENSE ANY MORE!"

"Hang on a second," wondered Orihime. "If he's the only Oompa Loompa, isn't he endangered as well?"

The stampede-riding Greens pondered this for a moment.

"THE BIG-BOOBED ONE WITH RED HAIR HAS A POINT!"

"Why, thankyou," purred Matsumoto.

"THE _OTHER_ BIG-BOOBED ONE WITH RED HAIR!"

"Well… Fine," she pouted.

"RESCUE THE OOMPA LOOMPA!"

"RESCUE! RESCUE!"

"Rescue him with alcohol!" called Makizou. He was answered by a long silence. Finally it was ended by someone coughing. "Well, okay… But I swear, I'm going to drink myself stupid once this is all finished."

"Don't need to drink for that," someone said with a weird amount of cheer.

Chad blinked at Orihime. "I'm not sure which surprises me more. The fact that they listened to you, or the fact that… Well…"

"She said something intelligent?" volunteered Matsumoto.

"That's it."

"Capture them!" cried one of the Greens.

"Who said that!" exclaimed Matsumoto.

"The Leader of the Green Cowgirls."

"…And boys."

"People?"

They muttered amongst themselves for a moment before coming up with a politically correct statement. "The leader of the Cowpeople!"

Orihime suppressed a snort. "He, the ponies sound silly…"

The 'ponies' glared at her. "Hu-HEM, as I was saying… I say so, the leader of the Green Cowpeople!"

Gradually the flock of things which vaguely resembled horses… mostly… parted, revealing a single figure straddling something which may or may not have been a bison-elephant hybrid with a moustache. The figure was curvy and female, with tan skin. Her face was covered by a green mask, but she wore a long wedding-dress. "I, who you will never learn the name of-"

"Hey, it's Yoruichi!" exclaimed Orihime. "Hi, Yoruichi! How are you?"

"…As I was saying, who you will never learn the identity of!"

"Uh… We know it's you," Matsumoto called. "Seriosuly, even without the wedding dress, we could have seen."

"And whose identity will forever remain a secret!"

"I don't think she's listening!"

"I order you, my faithful Cowboys –Cowgirls- Cow_people_, to capture them!"

"YES, MISTRESS!" hundreds of green-masked mutant/hybrid/ mutant-hybrid- riding people shouted.

"It will be good to catch up," Orihime said obliviously before the three of them were captured, gagged, and put in a small cage somewhere on a wagon. By this time, the sun had long-since set.

#

"…How am I supposed to do this?" Hanatarou muttered to himself, walking through the streets.

"Hey, no drunks should be on the streets!" someone shouted at him. By this time, Hanatarou had gotten so used to people shouting at him that he didn't even notice it. "Not at this time of night!"

"I'll tell the pony you said so," Hanatarou called. He paused. "…II came out here for something, I'm sure of it…"

He paused in front of a familiar place. If he remembered correctly (doubtful) it was one of the Captain's headquarters. Two familiar figures were waking towards him.

"Why do you have to take a wig to Captain Byakuya anyway?" asked the bald one, frowning.

"You'll see," the other said. They passed him, gave him a double-glance.

"Hey, it's the pansy from Squad Four!" Ikkaku slapped Hanatarou on the shoulder. He fell over. "Huh. Not any tougher, then?"

"Please let me die in peace."

"I'll take that as a no. Come on then, pansy, we'll toughen you up." Ikkaku picked him up and slung him over his shoulder. Aesegawa looked at him, raising a manicured eyebrow. "What?"

"You're getting soft," the other man commented.

Ikkaku stared at him for a moment before throwing Hanatarou at him. The other dodged the thrown figure swiftly. Someone behind him caught the unresisting healer.

"Hey! Don't be throwing people around like that!" remarked Renji.

"…My saviour," Hanatarou said, pathetically grateful.

"You'll hit some innocent person passing," Renji said, dropping Hanatarou, as if he forgot that he was holding someone. "That's dangerous."

"Never mind… Also, ouch."

"You want a fight?" snapped Ikkaku.

"Who are those lovely ladies?" purred Aesegawa.

Ichigo and Uryu, still female, stood behind Renji. Ichigo stared at Aesegawa. "…Please tell me he didn't just purr."

"I think he did."

"Dude, I thought you were gay," Renji stated, surprised.

"So did I."

"Wait, what!" exclaimed Ikkaku, stepping away from his friend. This put him in sight of the two women who had been men the previous week. "Hello, sweeties."

"We are not your sweeties," Uryu told him, softly with his usual attempt at gravity. Unfortunately, it failed. Normally, the tone would have warned of danger. Now it just sounded like, _come on, big boy_.

"I didn't mean you." Ikkaku wasn't looking at their faces. He was looking at Ichigo, somewhere south of his face.

"Why is everyone here a freaking PERVERT!" yelled a very-disturbed Ichigo.

Ikkaku replied by drooling.

Ichigo suddenly wanted to cry, very much.

"Can we at least take this inside?" asked Aesegawa suggestively. "There are those out here who have wandering eyes."

"I wouldn't mind, if your tone didn't suggest…" Ichigo petered out. "I wish I could trade boobs for Hichigo. He was an annoying twit, but at least he didn't make random people hit on me."

Aesegawa blinked thoughtfully. "Hm… Ikkaku, you might want to be careful of that one. She seems… Unstable."

Ikkaku drooled a bit more. "I'm not attracted to her mind."

"For once, I'm glad people are ignoring me," Uryu said cheerfully.

Aesegawa leered. "I'm not."

Uryu stopped being cheerful.

"Can we take this inside," Renji hissed, looking about himself. "Zaraki keeps walking past, sort of looking at us like he's thinking and then walking off again. It's kind of giving me the creeps."

"I second that," Ichigo said, putting up his hand. Everyone in the immediate vicinity ducked as the movement jostled his rather well-endowed chest.

"I said to stop doing that!" exclaimed Uryu, straightening his glassed. "Someone's going to get knocked out!"

"I don't mind!" Ikkaku and Renji said together. The latter continued, "though, can we do it inside… Captain Zaraki is thinking, guys… _Thinking_."

They all paused to consider this. "Inside," they said as one. Except Hanatarou, who groaned a bit. A mutant chipmunk came over to him, sniffed, and then decided he wasn't worth crapping on and left him to be unconscious.


	13. Day Five:Hanatarou the Rapper

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**Day Five**

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Hanatarou the Rapper**

Hanatarou opened his eyes. He wasn't sure where he was at first, before he realised that, somehow, he had ended up in Mayuri's lab. He was screaming for a good five minutes before he realised that Captain Mayrui was beside his bed. He kept screaming until he became unconscious, and this time it was Nemu's face which greeted him when he woke up.

"Nemu?" he asked in a soft tone. "Is that you?"

"Yes, it's me," she said, looking slightly worried. "Are you alright?"

Hanatarou began to cry. "My angel. Please never leave me alone again. I don't want to be a Zanpakto."

"…Yes," said Nemu, unsure whether to feel sorry for Hanatarou or wonder exactly what he just said. She settled for both. "Can I call Captain Unohana back inside now?"

"Uno… Oh, yes, Mayuri and the switch, and…Phew." Hantarou laughed slightly. "I'm sorry, I completely forgot. Please call her in. Him. Whatever." He paused. "I'm sorry, but I was just unconscious for a few hours. If you don't count that as sleep, then it's been about five days since I've had any. If anything I do or say doesn't make sense, you're probably sane. Or a cabbage. That would work as well."

"… I'll get Unohana," said Nemu, calmly. She left, found the Captain. "Captain Unohana?"

"Good morning, Nemu," he said pleasantly. "How are you this morning? I noticed that you left several times during the night. May I ask if anything is wrong?"

Nemu paused, blinked. "I left? Really? I don't remember leaving during the night…"

"Hm… Perhaps I should have a look at you later."

"Maybe, but right now, I wanted to tell you that Hanatarou has woken up."

Unohana looked blank. "I swear I've heard that name before…"

"The man I found last night on my way home?" Nemu prompted her.

"You found someone?"

"I showed you his face."

"Wait a moment… Is he from my Division?"

"Yes, that's right," prompted Nemu encouragingly.

It seemed that Captain Unohana (still in Mayuri's body) was trying, very hard, to do something which the laws of nature didn't want her to. She was trying to remember… "I think… I remember… Someone who I always forgot… I wish Isane was here right now. I need her sign-making skills. But I know who you mean now. Vaguely."

"Well, he's woken up."

"Oh. That's good." Unohana smiled. "How is he feeling?"

Nemu opened her mouth, closed it again. "I think you should take a look for yourself."

They went back into Hanatarou's room, where he was intently examining the bottom of his foot. "Hello, Unohana. Hello, Nemu. It's nice to see you again. Tell me, can you see anything tattooed onto the bottom of my foot?"

Both women looked closely. "No," negated Unohana.

"Not really," Nemu replied.

"Neither can I. I thought there was be the mark of some demon there which would explain why everyone and everything on this and every other world seems to hate me, but I guess some people are just… Hated. By everything." He dropped his feet, sunk into the bed. "Have you come to knock me out? That's what everyone else wants to do."

Unohana was silent for a moment before she patted his foot. "I think, perhaps, beginning this exchange program in the first place was a bad idea-"

"NO FREAKING ****!" Hanatarou took a breath. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't know where that came from." He smiled, and the smile wobbled a bit. "I did warn the angel that I haven't exactly been stable lately."

"The…Angel?"

"I think he means me," Nemu said, blushing. "Please, don't call me that."

"Can I worship you instead?"

"… I'd rather you didn't."

"Please?"

A strange look came over Nemu's face. "Excuse me," she muttered. "I think I have somewhere I need to be." She began walking away. "Goodbye, Captain, goodbye, Hanatarou."

A blissful look came over Hanatarou's face. "She remembered my name… I'm so happy!"

Unohana patted him on the shoulder gently, as if afraid to break him. She tried to think of something that would cheer him up. Out of any other options she said, "would you like to see something secret?"

"Will it get me killed?"

"No. No, it won't…" She paused, tried desperately to remember his name. "_You_."

"Hanatarou."

"Thankyou… Ha… Come on, I'll show you the computer room!" Unohana smiled and tried desperately to be cheerful, so he would be too. She might have had better success if she could remember who he was, of course. She took him to the room with a huge computer in it and began showing him how to use it. He would nod occasionally, and she would have felt like she was making some progress, if not for the line of drool slowly making its way down his chin. To experiment, she fell silent for a while and watched him. He kept nodding. She sighed. "I can see we have a lot of work to do." She looked back at the screen and frowned slightly. "Though I have to wonder why exactly this screen shows that Nemu has been going into the world of the living quite a bit lately… Four times, by my count, in the last few days… And always to the same place, for once not in Japan. What is she doing?"

#

"Good morning, everyone, how are we today!"

"Bald." This was Byakuya. "Plus I had a dream the chipmunk was eaten by a hydra. It should have elated me. Instead it depressed me because the hydra had my hair."

"Trying to stop someone murdering someone else." This was Rukia, glaring at Byakuya.

"Heartbroken." Aesegawa was looking mournfully at Byakuya's wig.

"Horny!" Ikkaku grinned lecherously at Ichigo's boobs. Though it wasn't as lecherous at it sounds; they were so big that it was kind of hard not to look at them.

"Wishing I was male." Ichigo was sitting as far away from Ikkaku as he could.

"Glad you're not." Renji was also smiling disturbingly at Ichigo.

"But you know I'm…" Ichigo glanced at Byakuya, who hadn't seemed to clue onto his true identity. "You know I'm not meant to be a woman."

"I know how you feel," Uryu stated, depressed. He was depressed for a few reasons. First, he was depressed because, a week ago, he'd been male and now he wasn't. Second of all, and this depressed him possibly more than the first thing had, he was, for some reason, jealous about all the attention Ichigo was getting and feeling somewhat self-conscious about his lack of boobs. Thirdly, he was depressed because he'd so hoped everything for the last few days had been one long, terrible, possibly Orihime's-cooking-induced nightmare. That it wasn't made him sad.

"How about the rest of you?" Orihime said with no less cheer than before, looking at the others.

"Does it look like my boobs have grown a cup size during the night?" Matsumoto asked curiously.

"No, they still look too big," Uryu said pettishly.

"Not bigger than mine," Ichigo chimed in primly. Both shuddered when they realised what they said.

"Fine," said Chad, who was always fine.

"Pink-haired." That was Jinta. His hair was still pink.

"I'm okay." Ururu was still small and timid.

"Tormented but otherwise fine," Tessai said.

"Blablah baaaaa." Said the still-brain damaged Urahara.

"Gah gah," said the four or so children in the room, babies which Soifon had dropped off some time during the night. The others had taken care of them. Yoruichi was down on the floor, drawing on them, for what reason nobody could decipher.

"Fantastic!" she yelled, causing the babies to start crying again. Everyone sighed. She'd been strange for the last few hours, though nobody could figure out why.

"Sh," she said to the babies. "You'll wake up Byakuya."

"I'm already awake," he pointed out.

"Sh," Yoruichi said to Byakuya. "You'll wake up Rukia."

"But I'm already awake as well."

"Sh," Yoruichi said to her. "You'll wake up Ichigo."

"… I'm breaking this chain before it goes any further," Ichigo stated firmly.

"Hey, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm hungry," Orihime announced, smiling happily at everyone. "Who's up for some breakfast?"

"Will you be cooking it?" asked Jinta.

"I'd love to cook, if nobody else wants to!"

There was a long moment of horror. Those who hadn't tasted Orihime's cooking looked about, frowning, wondering just why everyone else in the room had gone about two shades paler. In fact, there was a pop and Jinta's hair turned back to it's normal, abnormally red colour.

"No, thanks," he said. "I don't' think anyone else wants to put you to that much trouble."

"I can cook, I guess," Rukia shrugged.

"Can you cook better than you draw?" sniggered Renji. Rukia stood up, quite calmly, and threw the cushion she'd been sitting on at him. Unfortunately, Ichigo's breasts were in the way, so it bounced off those, causing them to rock into Renji, who promptly collapsed of joy.

"Is he alright?" worried Orihime.

"I hope the pervert dies," muttered Ichigo.

"I can cook," Yoruichi said, looking down at the babies. "In fact, I already know what I'm going to make." She smiled at them. At once, all the babies fell silent. So did everyone else.

"I can cook," said Chad, going into the kitchen and finding a box of cereal. He found some milk to go with it and some bowls.

"Nice cooking," sneered Jinta, on a non-pink high.

"It's either that of baby stew," Chad reminded in a low voice. "Take your pick."

"Can I say something?" asked Ururu.

"No," Jinta cut her off.

"Jinta, don't be mean, or I'll throw a baby at you," Yoruichi threatened, apparently in all seriousness.

"Whoa, hey, isn't that child abuse?" he asked, alarmed as the baby, a particularly ugly one, glared at him meanly and started chomping its two teeth together.

"We're in the Seireitei," she reminded him. "Here, the Captains make the laws. And guess what I am?"

"Uh… _Not_ a captain? That's Soifon, remember."

"_I'm holding a baby, don't argue with me_."

"Guys, it's actually kind of important," Ururu tried to speak up again, waving her hands about.

"I think this is more important," Tessai said apologetically, without looking at her.

The baby began reaching for Jinta, its fingers curled into claws. "Naws, look, it likes you," Yoruichi smiled happily, bringing it closer to Jinta.

"Don't bring that thing near me!" he exclaimed, trying to move away. "Seriously, where does friggin' Soifon get these things? They're like baby sadists!"

"It's really important!" implored Ururu mildly.

"Blah," said Urahara. He probably had something important to say, but the fact that his brain had been wired in new and strange ways and nobody knew how to turn it back meant that he was effectively not included from any or all of the discussions.

"I really think this cereal could use some soy sauce," Orihime decided brightly.

"Fine, if you won't listen," Ururu sighed. "THERE'S A LLAMA-FLY IN THE WINDOW!"

Slowly, they all looked at her, before looking outside. There was a small llama perched on the window. It had large dragonfly wings. It was also eating the wall.

"…Should I be stopping that, I wonder?" Byakuya mused. There was a knock on the sliding door.

"Captain!" a puffed man said. "There's a problem!"

"You don't say."

He coughed awkwardly, probably because he'd been a major player in the burn-the-Byakuya-doll fiasco which had happened a few days previous. "You need to see this." Byakuya sighed, stood, went to go with him. The others tried to follow sneakily, but it didn't work because there were so many of them, so they just followed him normally. Byakuya froze at a section of his house which led outside.

"ALL HAIL THE OOMPA LOOMPA!"

"HAIL! HAIL!"

"Oompa Loompa hic wants more alcohol!"

"GET THE OOMPA LOOMPA MORE ALCOHOL!"

"ALCOHOL! ALCOHOL!"

"Why," Byakuya began which a much-pained expression. "Are you people in my backyard?"

"Uh, sir," the squad member who had come to get him said. "It's more of an in-yard, since the building kind of surrounds it."

Byakuya looked at him and the man shrunk under his icy glare. "Thankyou for telling me. Now, can you tell me why I care? I did not think so. Very well, please stop bothering me before I feed your kidney to whatever that is over there." He was looking at someone which may have been an iguana or a Chihuahua. It's doubtful even the animal itself knew what it was, but it was happy to eat Byakuya's lawn anyway, which is interesting because neither iguanas nor Chihuahuas ate lawn. Possibly, it was a new kind of pony.

A few people dressed in green dismounted their various steeds and went into Byakuya's house. After a moment they remerged, carrying a few cases.

"Is that my sake?" asked Byakuya, frowning.

"Looks like it," said Rukia.

The Oompa Loompa caught sight of them as Urahara stumbled out, a small host of children following him, the babies in his arms. Their numbers had increased to five when nobody was looking, and all of them looked vaguely murderous. "oh, hey _hic_, it's you guys. I'm a god now. Woo! Hey, did you have all those with that other chick? I think I saw you running some time yesterday. Oh, there she is." He waved unsteadily at Yoruichi. "Hey! Weren't you guys childless like, yesterday? What have you been _doing_ since then?"

Yoruichi smiled at him, and sounded a tiny bit deranged when she said. "You don't want to know. Something to do with Mexico, probably."

"You thought you could hide, but nobody hides from me!" a deep male voice said before a large white bird began trying to peck off the Oompa Loompa's drunken face. A small figure flipped off, deposited another child into Yoruichi's arms.

"God, your family just keeps getting bigger and bigger!" exclaimed Renji as the kid looked at them all, wondering, probably, what was going on as well.

"What, you think that's a bad thing?" Yourichi asked, wounded.

"What?" he asked.

"Comments like that just make me feel so down, you know? I mean, we're a young, struggling couple, just us trying to look after so many young children…"

"Agaaa," contributed Urahara.

"And him brain-damaged," she said in a small, injured voice.

"**Are you offending Kitty**?"

"Uh oh," said Renji as everyone took several large steps away from him and a small, dark-haired figure descend upon him lie a whirlwind.

#

"Hanatarou," Unohana said casually as she watched Hanatarou try to eat breakfast. The spoon kept ducking away from his mouth, like it was scared of it. "I have a favour to ask you."

"Will I get to keep all my organs if I do it?" Hanatarou asked.

"Well… If all goes well."

"It won't," the division-four member said instantly. He hesitated. "Will I… Get to keep all my organs if I_ don't_ do it?"

"Naturally, I wouldn't make you go if you don't want to," Unohana said gently, willing to consider the fact that, "I'll just have to go myself."

Hanatarou sighed. "No, no, I'll do it."

"Really?" Unohana smiled.

"You're one of the few people nice to me on regular occasion. Even though you look like he who must not be mentioned, I want to be nice to the one person who won't kick me when I'm down. And knock me out. And call me names. And make me try to do things obviously beyond my power. And call me a Zanpakto." Hanatarou's left eye twitched.

"…Are you sure you're up to going?"

He gave her a smile which was lopsided due to the fact that half of his face decided it couldn't be bothered participating. "Why not?"

#

"By the way, Matsumoto, what happened to Hitsugaia?" asked Orihime when they were eating. "Usually he's around you, isn't he?"

"Usually he's not a child," she muttered.

"Um…"

"Well, not a toddler. Though I think he'd be about seven now, given that's how old Soifon looked."

"DON'T SAY HER NAME!" screamed Renji, lying before Orihime as she tried to patch him up. "She's a demon… A DEMON, I tell you."

"I like demons," announced Yoruichi. "Particularly on toast. You should try making that, Orihime."

"I'll try," the youngest red-headed well-endowed female in the room who was actually supposed to be female. "Though I think demons might be kind of hard to come by in the supermarket… I'm sure there's a specialty shop somewhere for them, though… Rangiku, if Hitsugaia's that young, should you really be leaving him alone?"

"Oh, I gave him lots of small lollies that hopefully he'll choke on," she smiled.

"GET OFF ME, YOU STUPID BIRD!"

"Oh, look Urahara, another member of our family," Yoruichi said happily as another particularly ugly child dropped onto the brain-dead Urahara.

"Blah blah," he said.

"You know, I think he can actually understand us," Orihime said. "If you look close enough, you can see it in his eyes. Maybe we should get him to a doctor."

"You mean Division Four?" asked Matsumoto. "I'd normally support that, but if you remember correctly, it's now run by Mayuri."

There was a moment in which they all processed that. Everyone in the room shook their heads. "No."

"Absolutely not."

"I'm not going _near_ that guy."

"Well, since Mayuri's controlling Division Four," Ichigo muttered, thinking. "How about we go to the research and development place, then? Captain Unohana will be there, won't she?"

They thought about this, nodded. "Yeah, you're right."

"Good thinking!"

"But what about Yoruichi?" This was Uryu. "There's clearly something wrong with her."

Yoruichi smiled at everyone when they looked at her. "I like children. Does anyone else like children? Because I do."

"Do you remember what she said before?" Ururu piped up.

"Yeah, something about her sense of reality going to Mexico," Jinta nodded.

"She did too…" muttered Tessai. "You've got to be kidding me. She actually sent it to _Mexico_?"

"I know Mexico," Chad piped up, thinking. "If we go there, I'm suer that my long-suppressed Mexican instincts will kick in."

"So we go there, retrieve her sense of reality, then come back here?" Ichigo stated.

"Sounds good," remarked Uryu. "Who wants to go to Mexico?"

"I'm in," Ichigo said.

"That's two, including me," Uryu continued.

"I'll go too!" Orihime cheered happily. "Can we make a stop by Cancun?"

"…Why?" asked Uryu, confused.

"Because it sounds like cancan!"

"…" said everyone.

"Hey, has anyone seen where Rukia and Captain Byakuya went?" frowned Renji. "I swore they were here a moment ago…"

#

In another part of Byakuya's house, Byakuya and Rukia were being very careful to be very quiet as they hid in a closet. The reason for this was because, for some reason, a mix between a sabre-toothed tiger, which both of them were almost positive were extinct anyway, and a penguin was hunting them.

Byakuya and Rukia were going to kill Mayuri for creating the damn thing.

#

"And wasn't Yoruichi here a second ago too?" Renji frowned deeper, looking around a bit more.

Outside, Yoruichi was wearing her green mask again, watching as what looked like a drunken wimp stumbled over to them.

"Erm… Hello," he mumbled. "Captain Unohana – she looks like Captain Kurotsutchi now- sent me here to pick up the Oompa Loompa. She says she thinks she can help him."

The now thoroughly drunk Oompa Loompa stood, with the aid of a few green-masked people. "_Hic_ like hell! You know why! Because I'M SICK OF GIVING BIRTH!"

Hanatarou nodded. "I get that too," he murmured. "But I think this is important."

"Droopy is trying to take away the Oompa Loompa, leader of the pony-saving Cowpeople Greens!" said a green-masked figure who was smaller than the rest and had suspiciously pink hair.

"Hello, lieutenant Yachiru," said Hanatarou.

"Hi, Droopy."

"It's the Cowpeople Gangsta Greens now," someone from the back of the crowd shouted.

"It is?" said Yoruichi from under her mask. "When did that happen?"

"When we realised that cowboys –and girls- are kind of a fetish now. Cowpeople Gangsta Greens sounds cooler."

Yoruichi shrugged. "If you really think so." She turned back to Hanatarou. "I can't even remember your name, but you look familiar…"

"That doesn't even offend me any more," he mumbled. "I think I'd be more surprised if someone remembered it."

"… So you must be an enemy. An enemy trying to take away our mascot! You must be punished!"

"Bye bye, organs," sighed Hanatarou sadly. "I'll miss you. Especially you, liver."

"I declare a fight between the Oompa Loompa and Hanatarou for the honour of the Cowpeople Gangsta greens!" she declared. A general cheer rose up.

"And lungs."

#

"They'll show up eventually, I guess," Ichigo said, impatient. "But are you in or out?"

"Yeah, why not. If you all go without me, you'll probably get molested."

"And of course, Chad, you need to come too. We need your Mexico-radar!"

"Yeah," nodded Chad. "Because I totally have one of those."

"Hey! Orihime! Can you bring everyone out here!" shouted Yoruichi from outside.

"I guess we've found her," muttered Chad as they all went there. They all sort of froze for a moment in the doorway which led outside, staring in horror. A herd of misshapen animals mounted by people in green masks surrounded a small arena. Yoruichi was sitting on a large chair to the side, like a queen, with a small, pink-haired figure folding origami beside her. In the middle was Hanatarou, whose name everyone tried to recall for a moment before dismissing it as unimportant, and the Oompa Loompa, who was being attacked by a large white bird.

"I SAID NOWHERE IS SAFE!"

"I'M GOING TO EAT YOU FOR DINNER ONE OF THESE DAYS, AND THEN NOBODY WILL HAVE ANY CHILDREN!"

A small, dark-haired shape leaped onto the bird's back and, ignoring its cries of pain, made it fly away. Yoruichi looked at the child in her arms and then gave it to the pink-haired figure, who drew a moustache on it and then went to give it to Urahara. She returned and continued to make origami.

"Welcome, one and all!" said someone from the Cowpeople Gangsta Greens. "Today, you'll see a battle between the challenger to the position of mascot of the Cowpeople Gangsta Greens, currently occupied by our resident Oompa Loompa, made by that guy whose name everyone forgets!"

"I'll miss you as well, stomach," Hanatarou said, in his own little world and quite happy to live there for the rest of his life.

"The what?" muttered Ichigo.

"As we now have 'gangsta' in our name, every battle must be begun by a series of rapped insults! First, Oompa Loompa, your turn!"

"What?" muttered the drunken, orange figure. "What's a rap?"

"Just swear a lot and make that hand gesture which rap people always seem to do, even though it doesn't really mean anything."

"Oh, right," Oompa Loompa gave everyone in the room the finger. "TAKE THIS, ****** *******, )(&%$& (%*&, (^%*$^ ON A TURKEY SANDWHICH(^**%&^ ^%&o^(^^&$ PREGNANT WOMAN_&(&^& 8*$%^%&^*&%&% OBLIGATORY DEATH NOTE REFERENCE )*(&686$$^%(&(()) WITH YO MAMMA!" He looked at the announcer, who was staring at him with an open mouth. "That what you meant?"

He couldn't speak for a moment. "The virginity of my ears has just been stolen."

"Good," the drunk Oompa Loompa muttered, looking at some random guy in the audience and saying, "you wanna fight, buddy! Bring it!"

The random shook his head, pointed at Hanatarou. "No, he's your opponent."

"Yeah, but he looks like a wimp. I'd rather fight you instead."

"No, you've got to fight him."

"Well… _hic_ fine."

"Now, it's your turn for a rap-song!" the announcer announced, looking at Hanatarou.

"What? Me? I don't think I can rap…" Hanatarou thought, sighed. "okay, I guess I have to try…" he cleared his throat, looked down thoughtfully for a moment before looking back up again.

"My name's Han-a-ta-rou, but don't bother to rem-em-ba, I'm from Division Four, but I'll ne-va-fight, no, ne-va, why? 'cause I'm the worse figh-ta in da house, and when I try to raise my fists, my kidneys try to fall out, yeah, it's Ya-ma-da, from Di-vi-sion FOUR and like it or not, I'm probably gonna end up on the floor, yeah!"

"Besides it being completely pessimistic and more in the Oompa Loompa's favour than his," remarked Yoruichi after a moment of pure shock from everyone in the room. "That… Wasn't… Actually half-bad. In fact, if this was a rap-off, you would have won it."

"Really?" smiled Hanatarou. "Does that mean I can go home?"

"…No."

"Well, it was worth a try. No hard feelings, kidney? Because, let's be honest, you do kind of try to fall out whenever I try to fight."

"Well, it's about time we started this thing," the Oompa Loompa stated. His eyes fell on the three buxom red-heads in the corner, and the one flat-chested dark-haired one. "Oh, hell-o, ladies… Can I ask for some cheerleaders?"

"No," three of them immediately said.

"I don't know if I'd be any good at that," worried Orihime.

"This fight won't go on until you cheerlead for one of us." He folded his arms just as the stork began attacking him. Yachiru methodically began drawing a mono-brow on the child which Soifon gave her. Yoruichi saw an opportunity and took it.

"What, you mean you won't cheerlead for us?" she said, sadly. "And I was so looking forward to it… Well, I'm depressed now."

"Kitty is depressed?" asked a soft, sweet voice. "Kitty must stop being depressed, or she'll never get married."

In the blink of an eye, all four women wore cheerleader's costumes. They looked down at themselves.

"Wow, that girl's fast," Ichigo muttered.

"Wow, these things are short," Orihime said.

"Wow, these tiny shirts can actually hold in our overly large breasts," Matsumoto remarked.

"Wow," Uryu stated. "I seem to be the only one who's upset by the fact that WE'RE ALL WEARING FREAKIN' CHEERLEADERS OUTFITS!"

"OH, GOD, WE ARE TOO!" Ichigo realised.

"Kitty happy now?" asked Soifon.

"I'll be happy once they actually start cheerleading," Yoruichi said, disgruntled. "Come on, the sooner they do, the sooner this fight can start! I need some violence, damn it!"

Soifon looked at the four cheerleaders. "Are you going to cheerlead for Kitty's fighters? Because, if you don't, **Soifon will make you**."

"Do what she says," warned a still-traumatised Renji.

"Okay, okay!" Ichigo said, looking at him pom-poms doubtfully. "First of all, who are we cheering for?"

"Well, obviously the guy who rapped decently," Uryu said, shaking his head. "It's either that or the Oompa Loompa."

"Okay, smart-guy, what's his name then?"

"Hanatarou!" called Hanatarou hopefully.

"Hm… That's a good question… I know I've heard it before, but it's like there's some kind of mental block around my mind."

"It's Hanatarou Yamada! I wouldn't even mind Droopy at the moment!"

"Yay, Droopy!" contributed Yachiru.

"Well, we have to cheer for someone," Orihime said reasonably.

"Me, please cheer for me! Just call me that guy if you can't remember my name!"

"We'll have to go for the Oompa Loompa," said Matsumoto, looking at where Soifon was now cracking her knuckles. "Okay, five-six-seven-eight… Come on, guys, just make it up as you go along, wave the pom-poms around a bit, nobody will know the difference. Five-six-seven-eight!"

"Orange guy is really great!" Orihime said enthusiastically, doing as she was told.

"Short and tubby he may be!" Ichigo shouted, trying to wave around the pom-poms in a way that wouldn't cause his boobs to knock out half the audience. Though it looked as if they wouldn't mind anyway.

"But he will win eventually!" Uryu finished, glad that very few were looking at him due to his flat-chestedness. He was firmly ignoring that part of him which was jealous.

"Okay, so now we can begin the fight!" Yoruichi yelled.

"Contestants, ready!" shouted the announcer. "And… fight!"

"Bring it _hic_ you!" shouted Oompa Loompa.

"Please don't kill me," Hanatarou said before collapsing. There was a long moment of silence before the announcer said, in a lowered voice. "I… Uh… Guess that's it, then. Oompa Loompa wins. He's still leader of the Cowpeople Gangsta Greens." Someone came up to him and whispered something into his ear. "Sorry, the Cowpeople Gangsta Greens Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo ***."

"Where are you getting the rest of this?" asked Yoruichi.

He shrugged. "To be honest, I'm really not sure. It just sounds cool."

"Can we get away from the Seireitei before someone sees me like this?" muttered Ichigo. "I want to go to Mexico, where nobody I know or care about will see me."

"Good call," Uryu said.

"I don't know, I think you all look rather… Attractive," Renji smiled.

"Stop smiling like that or you're staying here." The six of them, the three female red-heads, Uryu, Renji and Chad, left the heard, going as far away from Byakuya's house as they could. Ichigo spared a moment to look back at the house, thinking.

"Do you really think Rukia and Byakuya are alright?" he muttered.

"Get over your crush of her and come on," Uryu snapped.

"Don't encourage Yuri fanboys," Ichigo snapped. "I have enough trouble with people asking me if I'm ever going to get together with you… When you're, you know, male."

Uryu shook his head. "This is getting more and more disturbing every day."

"Are we going to Mexico?" Orihime asked happily. "Does that mean we can have tacos with bean jam?"

"No."

"Oh," Orihime sighed, disappointed.


	14. There is Actually a Pony

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

**Chapter Fourteen**

**There is Actually A Pony**

At Byakuya's place, a strangely-clothed man stepped into the courtyard. Those who saw him, mainly Tessai and Ururu, gently drew back, taking those who they could with them and leaving the rest for dead. The Cowpeople Gangsta Greens Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** gradually fell silent as the figure stepped closer to them. Finally, it stopped before the Oompa Loompa, who recognised the shadow and, very slowly, looked up.

"I've been looking for you all night… specimen."

"OH **** NO!"

With that, the Oompa Loompa began to run from Captain Kurotsutchi, and all of the Cowpeople Gangsta Greens Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** went with him.

#

"Okay, now I have a question," Tessai began. "Does anyone in this room know how to change a diaper?"

There was silence from all corners.

"Hey, don't look at me," shrugged Jinta.

"We're just kids," Ururu reminded him.

"Flah flah flah," Urahara shrugged.

"Hey, Urahara, did you understand me that time?" asked Tessai hopefully. Urahara replied by trying to pick his nose with his tongue. "… Never mind." He looked about himself, at the dozen or so young children who now flooded to room.

"We," he announced. "May be in trouble."

"At least the Green Cowgirls or whatever are gone," Jinta pointed out as he tired to distract a toddler by waggling his fingers at it. "OW, IT BIT ME!"

"True," Tessai conceded.

In another part of Byakuya's house, Rukia and Byakuya listened intently. The beast which had been chasing them had, without warning, run off. Very slowly, almost clandestine, they opened the door and crept out. Three white flashes made both of them blink.

"Rukia and Byakuya come out of the closet," said a male voice. "Great story! Run that."

"Yes, Lieutenant Nanao."

They blinked and, when they could see again, they were alone.

"What… Just… Happened?" asked Rukia, severely confused.

"I don't know, and I have the feeling that I don't want to," Byakuya shrugged.

"Extra, extra, read all about it! First edition of the Seireitei Newspaper out now!" A paper-boy rounded the corner, riding something which could have been a horse except for the snake's tail. "Paper?"

"How much?" asked Rukia, intrigued to see a Seireitei newspaper.

"Five hundred yen."

"What! That's such a rip-off!" Rukia outraged.

He shrugged. "You're the sister of a Captain. You're loaded. The hell do you have to complain about?"

She looked at him shrewdly. "How did you know that?"

"Because your faces are all over the paper."

"What?" Byakuya handed over the money and got a copy of the paper. The paperboy legged it out of there.

"Why was he running so fast?" Rukia wondered. She turned, and suddenly became aware that the room suddenly felt much, much more dangerous. "Whoa… I get what Ichigo meant about an 'I'm-going-to-kill-you' vibe. What happened?"

Byakuya looked at her for a moment. Not even the Aesegawa rip-off wig could make his look less icily murderous. He showed her the front page.

THE BYAKUYA SILBINGS COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!

Beneath was a picture of them literally coming out of the closet.

THIS WEEK'S QUESTION: JUST BECAUSE THEY AREN'T RELATED BY BLOOD, DOES THIS MEAN THAT IT ISN'T INCEST? SEE OUR EXPERTS' OPINIONS.

Rukia's teeth slowly began to grind together as her eyes dropped to scan the second head line: BYAKUYA'S HAIR: WHAT HAPPENED TO IT AND WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE AN AESEGAWA RIP-OFF?

Rukia looked at Byakuya. "Remember when I told you murder wasn't the answer?"

"Yes."

"I changed my mind."

#

"So, this is Mexico?" muttered Chad.

"Hey, what do you mean 'this is Mexico'?" asked Renji, frowning. "I thought you'd lived here or something.

"It was a while ago… And I'm not exactly familiar with this particular part of it."

"… We're lost, aren't we?"

"…I think so, yes." Chad nodded. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," said Ichigo. "I'm just relived over that Zaraki-miss earlier on." He twitched slightly.

"Oh, relax," Uryu told him. "He just asked if you were related to… Yourself. Which is kind of funny if you think about it."

Ichigo sighed. "I think being female made me a wimp…"

"Hey!" snapped Matsumoto. "I'm female, and so is Orihime!"

"There's a pony over there," Orihime said thoughtfully, pointing at something which nobody bothered to look at.

"Never mind," sighed Matsumoto. "Well, we'd sense start looking for… Yoruichi's sense of reality."

They pondered this.

"Does anyone actually know what to look for?"

"Not a clue."

"We could always ask the pony."

"Why did we bring her again?" muttered Uryu. "Hey, can I ask, why the hell is there a soul reaper here?" They looked around at a young, female soul reaper, who seemed to be running from something.

"Help me!" she yelled.

Instantly, Ichigo snapped into hero-mode. "What is it?" He leant forward, ready to fight.

The young soul-reaper stopped. "I didn't know there was a mountain range here… Wait, are those your boobs?"

"Never mind about that now, what are you running from? A Holo?"

"No, a chipmunk!"

"...What?"

Suddenly, a ten-foot-tall chipmunk appeared on the horizon, running as fast as they'd ever seen a ten-foot-tall chipmunk run.

"How the hell did one of Mayuri's monstrosities get here?" Uryu asked.

"How do you know it's one of his?"

"Have you ever seen a ten-foot-tall chipmunk with a snake placed in an… Unfortunate place?"

They looked closer, and saw that a snake protruded between the chipmunk's eyes. Ichigo and Renji sniggered. "****head."

"Very funny," Uryu deadpanned.

"KILL THE DAMN THING!" shouted the soul-reaper. "If you hadn't noticed, IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!"

"Right!" Ichigo took out his Zanpakto, relieved he'd managed to get it back, and said, "bankai!"

Nothing happened.

"Allow me," Uryu said.

"I thought you didn't have Quincy powers any more?"

"I stole this thing from Mayuri while I was there and hid it in the cleavage."

"You don't have any cleavage."

He looked at Ichigo. "I didn't mean mine."

It took Ichigo a moment to realise what he meant. "Aw, Uryu… Man, that's just sick…"

"Well, are you going to get it out or am I?" Uryu asked impatiently.

"I DON'T CARE WHO DOES WHAT AS LONG AS YOU STOP THAT THING FROM MAKING ME ITS DINNER!" yelled the soul-reaper.

Ichigo turned away for a moment, though it didn't help much. "I don't know whether to be grossed out because he was originally a guy, or turned on because he isn't any more," muttered Renji. After a moment he said, "and… it's looking like it's turned on."

"Shut up, Renji," said Ichigo, blushing as he gave Uryu the glove thing. Uryu put it on and prepared the fire the arrow. The large chipmunk had stopped now and was staring at them, as if wondering if they would make a better meal than the soul-reaper girl. Nothing happened.

"It's not working. Somehow, me being female means I can't fight any more."

"You guys suck," Matsumoto despaired. "I fight all the time, sometime even just with Hitsugaia." Her smile dropped away. "That would have been a joke last week. Now, it's just reality."

"I don't get it?" wondered Ichigo. "Why can't we fight?"

"I think it's because you were far more… Central to the story before. Now you're sort of like… Orihime." Renji clicked his fingers. "You're love interests!"

Ichigo and Uryu looked at Orihime. "Do you guys want to go try to find the pony?"

"This depresses me," Ichigo sighed.

"I feel your pain."

"I can take care of this." Chad went up to the Chipmunk. After a moment, he defeated it, and came back. "You're safe now."

"Well, at least one of you can fight," she sighed, shaking her head.

"What's a soul reaper doing in Mexico?" asked Ichigo, trying to get over his depression.

"This is the Soul Reaper part of Mexico," she told him.

"Why the freak is there a soul-reaper part of Mexico?"

"And I'm not a real soul-reaper. The guys just like the costume," she smiled.

"What?"

"Hey, you!" A policeman walked up to them, coming out of a car which had just pulled up. "That creature has never been seen before and is therefore endangered! Therefore, you have just made a species extinct! For that, you are all under arrest."

#

"Extra, extra, read all about it! In the second issue of the Seireitei Newspaper, our special report on how the holes appearing in the streets are metaphors for Rukia and Byakuya Kutchiki's illicit relationship-"

"Sebonzakura."

The paperboy screamed. A cold, merciless voice asked, "now who, exactly, is in charge of the paper?"

"And how are they getting them out so damn fast, that's what I want to know," muttered Rukia.

#

Ichigo, Uryu, Renji, Orihime, Chad and Matsumoto all stopped around a corner, the soul-reaper woman leading the way. They were in a dusty western city which looked exactly like the set of every cowboy movie ever filmed.

"Just in here," she whispered, unlocking the door and letting them in. It was completely dark.

"This is a strange place for a pony," mused Orihime.

"Typical," fumed Ichigo. "We save an innocent soul reaper and the police freaking try to arrest us."

"Oh, well, I'm not exactly innocent," the soul-reaper woman said flirtatiously, winking at Renji.

"Why'd you look at him?" Ichigo frowned. "I'm a guy too, you know!"

"You boobs disagree. Vehemently."

"Come to think of it, why were you running from that thing in the first place?" Uryu asked the girl. "You're a soul reaper, you look about our age, maybe a bit older… What's wrong with your Zanpakto?"

"I told you," she sighed. "I'm not a soul-reaper. I'm an exotic dancer. The costume is fetish fuel."

There was a long moment of silence.

"What?" said several voices at once.

"This is a dance bar. Come on, I'll show you." She led them out of the dressing room, into the bar. There were tables around, and it was immediately visible that this was not a dance bar, as in, for people who wanted to dance. It was a dance bar for people who wanted to see scantily clad young women dance.

"You guys can sit over there," she said, leading them to a table. Uryu sat down and was immediately assailed by a familiar and very unwelcome voice.

"Well, hello, my pretty. I didn't expect to see _you_ here."

Uryu turned around slowly. Beside him was Shunsui, for once not wearing the hat. It was hanging on is chair. The pink cloak was still on, though. "You have got to be kidding me."

"Time to go," said Ichigo before he could be asked to sit down somewhere. "Sorry, Uryu, we'll honour your sacrifice." They all scampered up the way they came. Matsumoto had to drag Renji for a few steps as he showed signs of wanting to stay. Uryu was going to go after him, but their guide quickly sat besides them.

"Well, the others want to leave, but I'm sure you'll like it," she said, oblivious to Uryu's attempts to escape.

"Are you sure we're going the right way?" Matsumoto asked.

"Why do you ask that?" Orihime wondered.

"Because it looks like we're in… The wings of the stage," she said, hesitating as she saw a familiar figure on stage. "Hang on… I know her… Why is… What is… But that's…"

Shunsui turned around as the lights dimmed. "This is my favourite act."

Uryu's eyes widened and his attempts at escape stopped as he saw who was on the stage. "What is Lieutenant Nemu doing here?"

#

Hitsugaia woke up. He'd overdosed on candy some time during the night and had been very, very active for a while, running around, beating a few people up who tried taunting him, falling into a few more holes and genuinely having a good time. He'd collapsed somewhere during the day. He rolled over, warm and happy, and decided he didn't want to move. He went back to sleep.

#

"I have to say," Matsumoto admitted in tones of genuine surprise. "She's actually… Really good at this." The others looked at her. "Yes, I know, she's a lieutenant, all that, but look at her. Did you see that? I didn't know that was physically possible."

"She looks really pretty out there," Orihime enthused. "I bet the pony thinks so too!"

"She actually is very flexible," Renji said. "Though she's not my type. I like my woman… Curvier."

His eyes slid to Ichigo. Ichigo slapped him, but it went unnoticed just as Nemu's act finished, and people began to cheer and applaud. Shunsui's calls were by far the loudest.

"And now, we have a special surprise for you tonight!" said the presenter, a curvy woman.

Someone came up behind Matsumoto, tapped her on the shoulder, whispered something into her ear. "What do you mean, we're on next!" The others turned and glared. "No, you must have us mistaken for someone else!"

"You mean you aren't the 'three buxom red-heads' act?" he asked disbelievingly. "Your managers will just have to stay here."

Chad and Renji blinked. The latter recovered quickly. "Sure. That's what we are. You go get them, girls!"

Ichigo glared at him. "I will kill you."

"In your own time!" the short man who had told them they were on snarled.

"I give you, the 'three buxom red-heads!'" With that, the two women and one man-turned-woman was pushed out onto the stage. They looked into the lights for one, long, frozen moment.

Uryu was genuinely happy they'd left him behind. But then he began feeling bad for them. Ichigo's eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his skull. There were times when fighting was the answer… More often than not, actually. And, during those times, Ichigo always pulled through. Now, it was dancing, and Ichigo needed a little help. So Uryu stood up.

"What's up, beautiful?" asked Shunsui.

Uryu put two fingers in his mouth and let out a long, drawn-out wolf-whistle. The other audience members, thinking it was from appreciation, joined in, clapping and whistling as well. Uryu stoically gave them a thumbs-up and sat down, maintaining the same expression through the entire show of support.

"Aw, look at that," Orihime crooned. "Uryu's showing he cares!"

"What are we going to do now," wondered Matsumoto. "I mean, that crowd looks like it'll rip us apart if we don't do something…"

Ichigo was silent for a moment before he looked at the Lieutenant. Uryu's encouragement said it all. There was no way out. But to dance. "I can't dance, so you're going to have to lead the way."

#

"EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT! Lieutenant and two known ryoka perform candid show in strip-club in Mexico!" The caller, a girl this time, gulped as Byakuya came up to her. She'd been told about the number of paper-boys who had come back from their short employment and, telling terrible tales of danger and injury, quit. "It's not about you this time," she said, trying to smile.

Rukia took one of them lightning-quick. "The by-line is, 'will the Kutchiki siblings join them?'"

She swallowed. "Please don't kill me."

"Where's the printing room?"

She pointed along the street. They began heading off. She breathed a sigh and decided to quit BEFORE she was injured.

#

"Hang on a minute!" exclaimed the Oompa Loompa, now considerably less drunk due to the horror of being chased my Mayuri. "Why am I running? With all the firepower I have, we should be chasing him! COWPEOPLE GANGSTA GREEN WHO GONNA PUT A CAP IN YO ***!"

"_AMAZINGLY POWERFUL_ COWPEOPLE GANGSTA GREEN WHO GONNA PUT A CAP IN YO ***!"

"…Whatever, ATTACK THE FREAKY-LOOKING GUY!"

Mayuri stopped where he was. "Uh oh."

#

"Come back, gorgeous, I have a seat for you!" Shunsui called forlornly to Uryu, who shuddered and kept walking. Eventually, they'd managed to get out of the club, mostly because the actual act came, apologising for being late, and took their places. None of them were as well-endowed as Ichigo, so the audience were a little disappointed, until they actually started dancing instead of moving sporadically in ways which was vaguely meant to be dancing.

"I can't believe we actually did that," muttered Ichigo.

"I can," said Renji happily. "I'll carry that memory with me for the rest of my life." This time, both Ichigo and Matsumoto slapped him.

"That was fun," Orihime said cheerfully. "Even the pony liked it! See?" For the first time, Ichigo distractedly cast a glance in the direction Orihime indicated. He did a double take.

"What the hell!"

They all stopped, and he pointed. A little way away from them, in colours of pink and purple that should have been constrained to a cartoon, there was an actual pony.

#

Zaraki had stopped for a rest. Ichigo's spiritual energy had been gone for a while now, so it seemed like he's left the Seireitei, unfortunately for Zaraki. He sighed, wondering where Yachiru was. He hadn't seen her for a while. He hope she was alright…

"Oooooooooooooooooooh nooooooooooooooooo," said a voice as an oddly-shaped Maryuri sped past him.

"What?" said Zaraki.

"GET HIM, BOYS!"

"GO, PONIES!"

A mottled herd of animals and people sped past after him.

"Hi, Kenny, bye, Kenny," said Yachiru.

"…What?" said Zaraki.

#

"Does anyone actually know why there's a pony in the middle of Soul reaper Mexico?" asked Uryu, frowning slightly as Ichigo and Orihime fed the pony some hay that they'd found somewhere. "I mean, doesn't it seem a bit irregular to anyone else?"

"I'm still confused over why there's a Soul Reaper Mexico in the first place," shrugged Matsumoto. "That's what seems irregular to me."

"No, that part actually makes sense, unlike everything else that's been happening lately," Chad refuted. "If you think about it, where else are all the fetish-obsessed Soul Reapers going to go?"

"Uh… Japan?" suggested Uryu. "Fetish capital of the world, anyone."

Matsumoto snorted slightly. "It's funny because it's true."

"Why?" frowned Renji.

"What?"

"Why should you know? As far as I know, you don't have any particular fetishes… And how long have I known you for?"

"Why would I tell you about something like that?" Matsumoto exclaimed. "Besides, I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what did you mean it like?"

"You'll see, eventually."

"Naw, who's a pretty pony," gushed Orihime.

"Why am I doing this?" Ichigo asked as he continued to feed the pony hay. "I don't even like ponies. Especially not ones who are pink and purple."

"Stop talking, you'll disturb the pony," Orihime told him.

"It is actually quite a pretty pony," said Uryu in a surprised tone.

"Yeah, I'm shocked I didn't notice it before now," Matsumoto said aloud.

"Huh. What do you know, you have a point," remarked Renji.

"It's pink," said Chad when they all looked at the pony.

"What are you all on about?" asked Ichigo, completely shocked, not by the pony and how pretty it was, but by how the others were all acting.

"The pony. I mean, look at it's eyes… They're so wide and sparkly," sighed Uryu, blushing slightly.

"And it's nose it so cute! Look at it twitch," Matsumoto giggled, jumping up and down.

"Its hoofs are so adorable, I mean look at them," Renji clasped his hands in front of him and smiled goofily.

They all looked at Chad. "It's got purple bits," he said, hips lips twitching in what might have been a smile.

"What in the name of ponies are you all talking about? Argh, now you've got me thinking about them too!" Ichigo snarled, stepping away from the pony for a minute. Its eyes and their deep, beautiful colour struck him all of the sudden. "I didn't notice, but look at the pony's eyes… Naws, who's a cutesy-wootsy pony, you are! You are –HOLY CRAP WHAT AM I DOING!" He stepped towards it, touched the pony, and the colour in the pony's eyes seemed to fade to something normal. "Hey, guys, I think I know what happened to Yoruichi's sense of reality. Somehow, this pony is… Eating it. It's what's happening to all of you."

"I like the pony, it's so cute," remarked Orihime happily.

"…Except you, Orihime. I… I don't think you had a sense of reality for the pony to eat." He looked at the others. "Guys? What are you doing?"

After a moment, he realised.

"This has to be the single most depressing sentence I will ever say," he said before telling them, "STOP SINGING MY LITTLE PONY AND GET OVER HERE!"

They jumped. "Ichigo, you'll upset the pony," Renji hissed.

"Hey, guys, come pat the pony with me," Orihime said, oblivious.

Ichigo looked from the pony, to his hand, to the others. "Yeah, guys, come pat the pony."

"I'd love to!" Uryu said, blushing again like a thirteen-year-old confronted with a life-sized cardboard Edward Cullen cut-out, prancing over to the pony and patting it.

"It looks so soft," Matsumoto sighed as she went over and rubbed its nose, still giggling.

"Don't pat the pony too hard," Renji said softly, stroking its neck.

Chad moved behind it and laid a hand on its back. "It had white spots… I think they're sparkly."

A moment passed.

"What… just happened?" wondered Uryu numbly.

"You were blushing," Ichigo sniggered.

"Why was I giggling?"

"Now I think I know how you feel, Ichigo… Except my shame isn't attached to my chest and about an 'E' cup."

"Huh," said Chad. "That was weird."

"The pony is what takes people's sense of reality," Ichigo revealed.

"Why?" frowned Uryu.

Ichigo shrugged. "I've stopped questioning everything which happens to me. It just gets depressing. Let's just get the stupid thing back to the Seireitei."

"Hey, you again!" shouted a policeman who rounded a corner. "I'm arresting you all for not only making a species extinct but for pony theft… Whoa, that's one pretty pony."

"Let's go," said Ichigo. "Don't let go of the pony."

#

"Hello."

"Hello… Uh… Captain Kutchiki," said the receptionist of the newly-established printing centre. He was trying, very hard, to keep smiling. "How can I help you –ACK!"

"You don't have to be so harsh with everyone," Rukia told him.

"Need I show you the paper again? Everyone here was instrumental to that."

"…Point."

They walked past the reception. As they walked down the hall, people would look out of their rooms casually, do a double take and then shut the door quickly. As they passed, the two of them heard the sounds of things being pushed against doorways.

"You know, it's lucky this place is a Western-style house," Rukia sniggered. "You can't exactly blockade paper walls. Well, you can, but it's sort of pointless… I mean, you can just walk through the damn wall."

They reached the printing room there was a long, drawn-out moment of silence.

"Hello," said Rukia calmly. "We'd like to have a word."

"And pull out your livers with our Zanpaktos."

The screaming began about then.

"You know, this could have gone smoother without that threat," Rukia pointed out.

"Tell me you don't want to do it too."

A camera flashed. "Next issue, a direct quote from the illicit Kutchiki siblings."

A second later, the camera was gone. Rukia was dusting her hands off as physics caught up with the camera and it appeared again, in pieces this time. Ten minutes later, the entire place was empty.

"You know, I'm not normally one to advocate meaningless violence, but now I'm kind of glad about it."

A sigh was heard from the upturned editor's desk. A figure stood, calmly dusting herself off.

"Lieutenant Nanao?" asked Byakuya, raising as eyebrow.

"Without anyone to yell at –and I mean my Captain, he always goes off somewhere at around this time of day- I got bored," she shrugged.

"And you couldn't think of any other way to employ your time?"

She sighed. "I suppose I can always tell off someone from Division Four…"

"Good idea," Byakuya nodded. "Finally, I can get back to what I was doing before."

"Okay," Rukia said, trying to remember what that was.

"Now, where's Ichigo…"

"No, Byakuya, we had this conversation, you ARE NOT GOING TO KILL MY FRIEND!"

"Your child doesn't need to have a father, especially not one like him."

"I don't know how many times you asked me about that this morning, but it's really getting on my nerves. For the last effing time, I AM NOT EFFING PREGNANT!"

#

"So, basically, now he's brain-dead," Tessai finished explaining to Unohana, who was looking at the hat-wearing shop owner in concern.

"Oh, poor, Urahara," she sighed. "That would also explain the dozen or so children following you around."

"Toddlers, I would say," Jinta muttered, still carting them all in. he and Ururu both drew carts full of babies and toddlers.  
>"I think it would be alright if you put them all in a room somewhere," the Captain mused. "I think there's a robot around here which takes care of children… It wouldn't surprise me."<p>

Once the children had all been taken care of, she lay Urahara back onto a bed and began operating on his brain.

"Why didn't we do this earlier?" muttered Tessai. After about an hour, something strange happened. Unohana came out, looking odd. "It's finished?"

"Hm? Oh, yes, I'm a captain, remember. He should be waking… Soon." She leant against a wall. She was still a he, of course. "Oh, dear. I just feel a little…" Unohana dropped to her knees.

"Captain!" Tessai shouted, rushing forward to help her up. Jinta and Ururu stood as well.

Unohana looked up. Suddenly, the yellow eyes looked different from they had a moment ago. Before, they had contained kindness, and not a whit of malicious intensity. Now that was reversed.

The newly restored Mayuri looked around, smiled and said, "specimens… Not as exciting as my old ones, but you'll do!"

Tessai, Jinta and Ururu hesitated for a moment, first realising what had occurred, then deciding whether they should worry about Urahara or not.

"Each to his own!" shouted Tessai before running. Mayuri pressed a button and the doors shut. "What am I wearing… Excuse me, I'll experiment on you later. First I have to change into something more normal."

#

"What am I wearing?" exclaimed Unohana, in the place she was actually supposed to be, looking down at her outfit in horror. She looked up at the mottled herd of animals who had stopped around her. "I'll be back in a moment." She vanished, then came back again, looking like she was supposed to. "Terribly sorry about that. Hello, I know you all… I released you from Captain Kurotsutchi's laboratory."

"You released the ponies?" asked one of the Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo ***. "You're a pony-saviour!"

"PONY-SAVIOUR, PONY-SAVIOUR!"

"Oh, are you still orange?" Unohana asked the Oompa Loompa sympathetically. "Well, since it looks like we've turned back, hopefully you won't be far off."

"No, I'm kind of enjoying it now," said the Oompa Loompa. "Hey! Someone get me a beer! I'm parched!"

"YES, OOMPA LOOMPA!"

"BEER! BEER!"

"Ah," said Unohana knowingly.


	15. LOLS No

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**Chapter Fifteen**

**LOLS, No.**

Hanatarou had been nudged by a few animals who didn't seem to know exactly which species they were, all of which who looked at him, wondered if he was edible, then walked off. Eventually, when he realised that nothing in the immediate vicinity was killing or even _trying_ to kill him, he sat up. The place was completely deserted.

"Walking right now really isn't the best idea, probably," he muttered to himself as he began walking.

"So why are you doing it?" said the voice of common sense. "Seriously, EVERYONE IN THIS EFFING PLACE IS TRYING TO KILL, MAIM AND/OR EAT YOU, you'd think you'd learn to stay safe."

"But I can't help but feel that my help is needed somewhere else…" He muttered, walking into a crowd.

"Hey, watch it," said a soul reaper.

"Sorry," he muttered. "Can I ask, why is everyone here?"

"Oh, there's a bunch of people who have banded together and are giving one of the Lieutenants a good speaking-to."

"Who?"

"The one under that freaky guy."

"… you're going to have to be more specific."

"The one who everyone thinks is a robot."

"_Nemu_? What has she done."

"By the sound of it, seduced them all."

#

Ichigo was understandably embarrassed about walking into the Seireitei attached the a pink and purple pony, but nobody was paying any attention to him, probably because they were all too busy paying attention to someone else.

"Is that Lieutenant Nemu?" frowned Uryu.

"Looks like it. Why are all those people surrounding her?"

From the sounds of it, Nemu was wondering the same thing. "Excuse me, but why have you all called me here? I don't know most of you."

"What, you mean you don't remember that night?" called a man, sounding heart-broken. "It was a few days ago… You came up to me with your hair wild, and eyes dark, and-"

"I don't think I want to know where this is leading," muttered Renji.

Matsumoto sighed. "I do," she said dreamily. They stared at her. She'd stepped away from the pony. Uryu dragged her back over and she snapped out of it.

"And I remember you. You were so beautiful, coming onto me so clearly. You don't see that these days. Most girls are so embarrassed but you were so direct, you almost stripped there and then."

"I what?" Nemu asked, frowning. "I… oh. Okay. I understand now. That… Captain Kyoraku and… Ah." She cleared her throat. Neutrally, she said, "can all the men I, erm, _seduced_ while I was under the influence of one of my Captain's solutions please step forward?"

About a hundred or so men stepped forward.

"…God, you must be suppressed," said Matsumoto. "And efficient. And energetic. And…" Everyone was looking for her. "Hey, another question. Can all the women she seduced please step forward?"

The rest of the crowd immediately surrounding her stepped forward.

"I'm… really not sure what to say about that," Nemu muttered. "I think I should probably be embarrassed but instead I feel… Well, I now know why I've been so relaxed lately-"

"LIEUTENANT!" yelled Matsumoto. "That's my job! You're supposed to be uptight!" The small crowd looked at her dubiously. "Come on, someone has to be the uptight one… God, please say it's not going to be me. Because, I'm going to tell you right now, that would kill me."

Suddenly, someone stepped forward. "Why have you all come here like this?"

Everyone looked at the man who had just spoken. Ichigo scratched his head with his free hand. "I swear I've seen that guy before."

'That guy' grit his teeth. "My. Name. Is. Hanatarou. And I wanted to ask whether you'd all come to gang up on Lieutenant Nemu! What, you think that just because she was a little chemically unbalanced, that gives you all the right to discredit her role! Yes, she may have been a little promiscuous lately-"

"I'm counting a hundred and fifty people there," Matsumoto muttered. "That's more than a little promiscuous."

"- but she's still one of the single most kindest, most efficient, loveliest, best people I've met! Ever! And that's saying something! So if you want to insult her, you'll have to go through me!" Hanatarou tried to look tough and failed miserably when he fell over.

"Um… Are you alright?" asked Nemu, concerned and a little flattered.

"Fine, thanks."

"No, we weren't going to insult her," replied a few people from the crowd. "Was anyone going to?" There was a general "no." "I just wanted to make sure she remembered. I mean, it was a hell of a night, if I do say so." The crowd began to disperse, many patting Nemu on the shoulder and giving her little paper slips with their name and addresses. She was polite to them, but was busy waiting for them to dissipate so she could attend to Hanatarou. However, when the crowd left, so had Hanatarou. She looked about, narrowing her eyes when she saw a large shape with spiky hair with bells attached running into the distance. After a moment of frustration she sighed, having wanted to speak with Hanatarou some more.

"That was nice of him," she muttered, before looking at the others. "Why do you have a pony?"

"Because it keeps eating people's sense of reality."

Nemu blinked, processed this. "And why is it pink?"

"That… We're not actually sure of," shrugged Ichigo. "Would there happen to be a breed of pony in the Seireitei which looks like this?"

"Well…" Nemu mused. "Have you asked Yachiru? She would know."

"Well, we can discount Aesegawa," Renji piped up. "He's not an actual pony. He just looks like one."

"Hey, where did him and Ikkaku go anyway?" frowned Ichigo. "I saw them this morning… it's been hours since then. What have they been doing?"

#

"You know," mused Rukia, standing in what had once been a printing press, before Byakuya had gotten hold of it. Ten minutes after he walked in, it resembled a flowery nightmare. "I still can't figure out why they were able to get the news so fast. I mean, they had to be relying on incredibly fast people… Gossips, probably."

"Hear that, Aesegawa, she's talking about you?" mumbled a voice from the cupboard.

"Shut it, Ikkaku."

The Kutchiki siblings turned around and walked to the cupboard, opening it to find the two Division Eleven-members hiding there. They smiled at him. Ikkaku's head glinted.

"Tell me why I shouldn't kill you for helping with this," Byakuya asked calmly, holding up the paper.

"Because you're wearing my wig."

"This explains everything…" Rukia nodded. "The fast gossip. All the pictures. The story about Byakuya ripping off your hair."

"Ah… That was a good story," Aesegawa sighed nostalgically.

"Easy, Byakuya," said Rukia. "Oh, look, it's Captain Zaraki."

"That's not going to fool me," Byakuya said coldly, taking out his Zanpakto.

"No, seriously, it actually is," Aesegawa said, pointing.

"Don't try it."

"Uh, Captain, the Captain is right there!" Ikkaku pointed as well.

"Prepare for death," Byakuya said coldly.

"I am actually here."

Byakuya stopped, sighed as he sheathed his sword, then turned. "Captain Zaraki. Any luck with finding Ichigo?"

"Not quite. You?"

"No, I've been busy with a few others things."

"I can see. As in, I can see you. Because you broke the wall. I'm surprised the building's holding up. Good job!"

Byakuya almost smiled. "Thanks."

"Is that a wig?"

He stopped smiling. "No."

"Okay, well, whatever. Remember our deal." With that, he ran off again.

"Hm, where was I?" murmured Byakuya. He turned to the cupboard. "Oh, you two haven't tried running away?"

"Of course not, that's so unfashionable."

"People usually do that. Well, prepare to die-"

"Byakuya Kutchiki?" asked a professional-sounding voice. He turned, saw a soul reaper. "Orders from Yamamoto himself."

"Couldn't he just send a hell butterfly?" sighed Byakuya.

"The orders are to arrest you."

"…What?"

"Huh…" Mused Rukia, getting over her initial surprise. "This is… Good… This keeps you out of trouble while I can sort out-"

"And you're Rukia Kutchiki?" Rukia nodded. "You're also under arrest." While she gaped, he turned to the two figures getting out of the cupboard. "Ikkaku and Aesegawa from Division Eleven?"

"How did you know who we were?" asked a surprised Ikkaku.

"Only one person could be that bald, and only one person could look so gay."

"You hear that Ikkaku?" Aesegawa sniggered. "he called you gay… Wait, I'm not bald!" Aesegawa mentally reversed this. "I do not look gay."

There was a long moment of silence. Byakuya coughed.

"In any case, you four will please come with me. If you don't, you'll be disobeying a direct order from Head-Captain Yamamoto himself."

#

"I almost have more specimens than I can count!" gleefully exclaimed Mayuri. "Well, not quite, but I usually don't have so many interesting ones."

"Can I just go back to being brain-dead?" asked Urahara, who had returned to consciousness a few minutes ago. "Not even Soifon was as bad as this." He paused, reconsidered. "I take that back. Yes, she was."

"Oh, stop complaining," Mayuri told him.

"You're not the one strapped down and at the mercy of a madman," the other muttered.

Mayuri stopped contemplatively. For a moment, Urahara thought it was because of what he said, that somehow he'd managed to strike a chord with the man. That, somehow, he'd managed to stop, or at least cause him to hesitate. "Have you ever heard that modern slang… oh, how do you say it… 'Lol'?"

Ururu, Jinta and Tessai, who were also strapped down in different parts of the room stopped their various desperate attempts to escape and looked at Mayuri, as far as the straps would let them.

"Uh… Yeah," Urahara said, uncertain of where this was coming from. "I… guess."

"I've never used it before today, and I don't think I ever will again, but it just somehow seems appropriate." Mayuri grinned at Urahara as he flicked a switch and Urahara began glowing. "_Lol_, mercy. How was that, did I do it right?"

"What the hell are you doing to me?" Urahara said in what he thought was a remarkably calm tone, given the circumstances.

"Oh, this is just a mild electrical pulse to map out your… body… interesting…"

"Why did you wire my hat up as well?" frowned the shop-owner.

"Because I couldn't disconnect it from your head until I did. Did you know that your hat shows signs of brain function?"

"How? It's just a hat? It cost, like, a hundred yen!"

Mayuri shrugged. "I don't know." He grinned, and Urahara almost cried. "But I'm, going to find out. First of all…" he turned to Jinta, Ururu and Tessai. "You three…"

"No, I thought the hat stuff was interesting," Jinta tried.

"Did you know, little boy, you're actually a species of leprechaun?"

"…What?"

"They were supposed to be extinct, but hat-man over there managed to find the last one, I suppose. And you, little girl, you're actually an extremely rare kind of elf."

"This does explain a lot," she murmured.

"What about me?" asked Tessai. "Some kind of descent of ancient warriors or something?"

"Actually, you're a descendant of a particularly common kind of ogre. I just have you there for the...Hm, how do you say it again... Lols."

"You know, I didn't actually know stuff like that really existed," Urahara called out, frowning.

"Well, I invented them first, of course," Mayuri said, slightly irritated. "I was very bored that millennia… In any case, I won't be bored now, with all of you! I can just see all the variables I'm going have to test out, the repetition of highly dangerous experiments… None of you are particularly attached to your inner tissue, are you? No? good!"

"I am!"

"Me too!"

"I like my organs!"

"My tissue enjoys being on the inside!"

"Good!" rejoiced Mayuri. "I can see I'm going to get more action than I've seen in years…" He stopped when everyone fell silent and still, apart from the odd, traumatised twitch. "Odd, all your life-signs suddenly went on meltdown. Why was that, I wonder? Oh, well, I suppose I'll just bring you all back to life." Ten minutes later, and they were all alive again. "What was that about?"

"Please," began Urahara. "Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, say that again."

"Say what?" wondered a confused Mayuri. "That I'm going to get more action that I've… oh, look, they're all dead again."

Ten minutes later and Mayuri had resurrected them all again, when there was a knock on the door. "Honestly, it's been nothing but interruptions," he muttered vehemently stomping to the door. "Can't a man commit inhumane acts in peace?" He opened the door.

"Captain Kurotsuchi? We have it that you have four being in your possession?" he asked, trembling slightly.

"Yes, yes, what about them?" the Captain asked impatiently.

"They're all under arrest… And so are you."

Mayuri appeared to be thinking. "Oh, what was it… _Lols_, **NO**."

#

Nemu was walking back from being abandoned when someone stopped her, an official-looking soul reaper she didn't recognise. "Lieutenant Nemu, you're under arrest."

"Oh, dear."

Oompa Loompa was being fed more alcohol when someone showed up. "Hey! Under the orders of the Head-Captain, that Oompa Loompa is under arrest."

The Oompa Loompa in question would have resisted, but he was too drunk to do so, so they just took him in anyway. The Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta greens from Mars Who gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** were too busy worshipping Unohana as a kind of princess to be bothered with protecting their mascot anyway, at least until they, themselves, were put under arrest as well.

Unohana watched for a few minutes, wondering if she should step in and try to clear up what was surely a big misunderstanding. Then she was arrested too.

#

Lieutenant Isane had been rushing about all day. Unohana was gone, which didn't help. There was an unusual amount of injured people, all of them complaining about animals which sounded like something from a drugged fantasy, or one of the Lieutenants being particularly promiscuous, or a drunk Oompa Loompa. She could understand this last one, but the rest left her in the dark. On top of that, now everyone in the hospital, not only the patients but the healers as well, seemed to be intoxicated. Isane had enlisted the help of her sister and the other 3rd-seater of the white-haired captain's squad, as well as his Zanpakto spirits, to help, which may had explained the drunkenness. She would have gladly asked for the actual captain's help, but he was still incapacitated. The fact that the Zanpakto spirits and 3rd-seaters had all tried to make him drink alcohol several times during the day didn't help. Isane had explained many times that he couldn't swallow, and therefore would just choke if they tried it, but this hadn't stopped them trying. She finally managed to get them all together outside the operating room of someone who needed cardiac surgery.

"Right, now I want you all to tell me why everyone in this building is drunk," she asked. It took a moment for them to look at each other and eventually decide on Isane's own sister to reply, probably because they were all drunk too. Isane hadn't known Zanpakto spirits could get drunk, but such was life.

"Well," Kiyome began. "Because of the amount of patients, we ran out of anaesthetic at about noon. So we ordered a massive amount of beer and wine and sake and vodka instead, because that looked cheaper."

Isane stared at her for a long moment. She left the room. There were a few loud bangs. Isane returned, her forehead looking red. "And why are all the healers drunk as well?"

"We thought they needed to relax so we made them all drink too," chimed in Sentaro. "So did we, actually."

Isane disappeared for a moment, there were a few more bangs, and then returned just as quickly. Now she had a definite bruise emerging. "Why is everything so messy? I swear, not a single water-cooler in this building is filled. I didn't even realise we had water coolers until people started complaining that they were empty! And the place is filthy, and people are saying that the guy they usually talk to isn't here, and everyone else is so rude… Though not a single one of them remember his name." She stopped, stared off into the distance. "No. No, surely not. Surely not that guy could do all that work… It's physically impossible." She looked around just as a healer came out of the heart-surgery room. She seemed to be stumbling about a bit. "Don't tell me you're drunk as well?"

"_hic_"

"Never mind… Wait, what about the patient! Don't tell me you operated on him when he could feel it?" Isane exclaimed, upset and horrified.

"Of course not, that would be barbaric!" the healer replied. "I just forced ridiculous amounts of vodka down his throat until he was unconscious. Not sure if he'll wake up again, but I'm sure it'll all turn out fine."

"… Is he alright? How high is his blood alcohol level now?"

"I don't know. I tried to take it, but his heart didn't seem to be beating. But I'm sure he'll be fine."

"… I think that's dangerous."

"No, it's okay." The healer wobbled away. Isane went into the room to help care for the man, relieved to find that he was still, somehow, alive. A little while later, when she emerged, she found out that she was under arrest.

#

"That's a pony from Mexico?"

Ichigo and the others looked round. They'd been leading the pony back to Byakuya's place, not knowing where else to put it. "Uh… yeah."

"Orders from the head-Captain. That pony is under arrest, and so are all of you."

"What?"

It was at that moment that Ichigo's boobs receded into his chest, and he and Uryu became men again. However, it didn't change the fact that they were still under arrest.

#

Matsumoto had ditched the pony a little while after Nemu had talked her into, somewhat reluctantly, go looking for Hitsugaia. She estimated that he'd be between seven and ten. She looked through the Division, looking in her office, his office, all the offices, all the holes around the place, until she began to get worried. It was true that first she'd been relieved she couldn't find him but the thought that he would actually choke or something and leave her to be in charge… And do all the paperwork… made her kind of horrified. And, besides, she'd been getting kind of attached to the midget. She was getting really worried when she realised the one place she hadn't looked.

She opened the door, quietly slipped inside. Sure enough, Hitsugaia was curled beside the sleeping Momo, perfectly at peace, without the frown lines that, even as an adult(-ish) he always seemed to have.

Matsumoto left the room as quietly as she'd left it. She walked away, smiling slightly to herself. Someone tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around. She listened the what the soul reaper had to say.

"What do you _mean_, I'm under arrest?

#

Shunsui was just returning home when an unknown soul reaper stepped up to him. "Captain Kyoraku?"

He blinked. "Yes?"

"Orders from Yamamoto; you're under arrest."

"What… Again? Nanao's going to kill me…"

#

Hanatarou was being bounced up and down on someone's shoulder now. He was somewhat familiar with the feeling of being dragged around, so he wasn't overly disturbed by it. It was when they stopped and he heard the following dialogue that he began to get nervous again.

Mumble mumble.

"Who?"

Mumble.

"Arrested? What's he done? Never mind, don't care, here you go."

Hanatarou felt himself being thrown to the ground. He emitted a small sound of pain which nobody cared enough to hear. The last thing he heard before collapsing into unconsciousness for what felt like the millionth night in a row was Zaraki shouting, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M UNDER ARREST TOO!"


	16. Day Six: Trials and Tribulations

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day Six**

**Chapter Sixteen**

Trials and Tribulations

Hanatarou opened his eyes. He flinched immediately, then when nothing immediately hit, kicked or otherwise tried to maim him, he sat up in genuine surprise.

"Nothing's trying to kill me?" he asked, shocked, as he looked around. "Oh, I see, it's because I'm in prison, and of course prisons are the safest place for anyone with a Mohawk. I don't have a Mohawk sbut I'm sure that I will be safe."

Hanatarou looked around the small jail cell quite happily. A very small part of his mind, the part which had been huddled, crying quietly to itself in a tiny corner still untouched by all the madness around it, was aware that Hanatarou was, on the whole, not particularly sane at the moment. It considered doing something about it, like maybe stepping up and taking control, but with everything that had happened, it decided to hold the fortress and keep at least a small part of Hanatarou sane. This resulted in Hanatarou standing up and greeting the kangaroo he saw in the corner of his jail cell in quite a friendly manner.

"Good morning, Mr Kangaroo. I'm assuming you're a kangaroo, because I've never seen one in real life before, I don't think. Are you enjoying your breakfast?"

The kangaroo wore a tweed suit and was calmly eating peanuts. It paused for a moment to look at Hanatarou thoughtfully, chewing its breakfast. It swallowed and said, in an English accent, "why, yes, old boy, indeed I am, although I'm not quite sure if, being a kangaroo, I should actually be eating these."

"Oh, I'm sure it'll be okay," said Hanatarou.

The guards patrolling this section of the prison hesitated. This section of the prison as reserved for the light-weight criminals, teenage Soul Reapers who vandalised buildings and youths who weren't really sure what to do with their lives. It was an easy job, you just had to look menacing. But they didn't usually have wimpy-looking Division Four members talking to the corners of their rooms. There wasn't anything there, it was just a corner. The guard cleared his throat.

"Hey," he said, uncomfortable.

Hanatarou looked around. The guard had to stop himself stepping back. The man looked like death. He had deep shadows under his eyes and the eyes themselves were bloodshot. As he blinked, one shut halfway while the other did the blink properly, staying there like it couldn't be bothered moving. "Yes, Mr Guard?"

The guard cleared his throat. "Who are you talking to?"

"Why, Mr Kangaroo of course. Would you like some peanuts?"

The guard shook his head and walked away. "Not my problem…" He muttered to himself. "I don't work in the crazy ward."

Hanatarou turned back to the kangaroo. "So sorry about the interruption."

"It's quite alright, old boy. Peanut?"

"No, thanks," Hanatarou refused gently. "I'm watching my weight."

"Why?" asked Mr Kangaroo, surprised. "What's it doing?"

"Cartwheels at the moment."

"Hm, odd behaviour for weight. Do keep an eye on it."

"I will."

"So, what else are you doing today," Mr Kangaroo said, dusting off his paws and adjusting his monocle. "Anything exciting?"

"Not really. I hope. God, I hope."

"What?" exclaimed Mr Kangaroo. "Nothing? Old boy, that's not how to do it. You'll get lazy if you continue like this."

Hanatarou nodded. "You're completely right. Cleaning up Division Eleven, doing everyone's paperwork, making a rap, babysitting two child Captain who kept trying to kill me, being a Zanpakto and…" Hanatarou trailed off, blinking again. This time one eye closed completely and the other stayed open. "I'm pretty sure I had a point there somewhere, but I forgot what it was."

"The point is, old boy, that you have to be doing something! You must be a constructive part of society instead of ding anything lazy like sitting on your backside. There's only one thing that's worse than that."

"What's that?"

He shuddered. "_Writing_. Especially if it doesn't make any money, I mean, what's the point in that?"

"Absolutely!" agreed Hanatarou. "I could… Tidy up a bit. Or help people." He nodded and then turned to leave the jail cell. He paused there. "Just one thing doesn't make sense about this…"

"And what's that, old boy?" asked Mr Kangaroo. He now had a cup of tea and was quite calmly sipping on it. Hanatarou couldn't remember it being there a moment ago, but that was okay. Nothing else made sense, so why should this?

"Why are you British?" Hanatarou asked. "Not that I'm trying to be rude, but aren't kangaroos Australian?"

"Kangaroos!" exclaimed Mr Kangaroo. "Australian! Pish posh, old boy, someone's been feeding you porkies from the old lie-machine."

"Really?"

"Really. You see, kangaroos are actually Martians that came from outer space in order to assist the British in conquering Australia."

"Oh, yes?"

"Yes. You see, they wouldn't stop whining about the heat, and about life in general. They're British, you see, so that's what they do. So we had to step in and give them a hand. Unfortunately, we seemed to have become British by default because of that."

"Oh, that makes sense," nodded Hanatarou, ignoring the little corner of his mind that was screaming the opposite. It quickly stopped screaming in case the insanity noticed it and all of Hanatarou become bonkers. "But why did you want to help them in the first place?"

"Because bloody Britain kept getting too much rain. The sun all got sent to Australia, you see. So we decided to put a few Europeans there and see if they'd stop whining." Gloomily, Mr Kangaroo drained the last of his tea. "They didn't."

Hanatarou smiled gratefully. "Thankyou Mr Kangaroo! I'm going to go help people out now." With that, he left the jail cell, completely ignoring the fact that it was a jail cell and therefore he shouldn't have been able to leave.

Mr Kangaroo scratched his belly through the tweed jacket. "What an odd fellow… Polite, though."

#

Ichigo snorted. Someone was standing over him. Immediately he growled, "Renji, what have I told you about doing the rape stance first thing in the morning?"

"As opposed to other times?" asked Renji, his eyebrows quivering as he bent closer.

"Get away from me!" Ichigo punched him. Renji, forced to step back, stumbled into the nearby wall.

"I was just checking!" exclaimed Renji, holding up his hands in a protestation of innocence.

"Checking what? To see if you're going to be alive in the next five minutes? Because if you keep going on like this…"

"No, I thought the change back might have been temporary. I wanted to see if you'd turned back into a girl." Disappointed, Renji sighed. "The answer's no, by the way."

Ichigo looked down at a flat chest. Just to be sure, he patted himself, felt muscle built up by months of hard training. He grinned. "YES! Idle ball-scratching and other manly pursuits, here I come!"

"It may surprise you to know that not all men consider scratching themselves inappropriately as the pinnacle of male success," said a smooth, dry voice. Ichigo turned to look at where Uryu sat in the corner, watching them both with a calm but long-suffering expression.

"Shut it, Uryu, I can breathe properly now and that's the main thing. God, I don't know how women do it."

"Not all women do," Uryu reminded him. "I was flat-chested."

"Which means you weren't a real woman," Ichigo mocked, made brave and happy by the fact that he was his proper gender again. "Everyone knows real women all have massive-" Ichigo stopped dead in his tracks. In a much smaller, much more subdued way he said, "does anyone else feel like they're going to die a long, painful death?"

Someone very pointedly cleared their throat. Ichigo turned around. He, Uryu and Renji were in a jail cell together. It was small and cramped with three grown men inside, but they were separated by iron bars from something that seemed a lot worse. Across the hall from them was another jail cell, and this one contained the two Kuchiki siblings.

Ichigo tried a smile. "Hi, Rukia." A small part of him was surprised that it was Rukia who was giving him a huge glare and not Byakuya. A bigger part of him was observing the fact that Rukia had inherited Byakuya's 'I'm going to kill you until you're so dead you come back to life so I can kill you again' stare even though they were not technically related. The biggest part, however, was deciding that, no, he would not die today, and therefore was going to shut up and sit still.

"Captain," greeted Renji, having gotten over his disappointment. "You're quiet today. Almost like you're trying not to call attention to yourself."

"Is that so." It was, very pointedly, not a question.

"Yeah, like you were trying to hide in the…" Renji snorted, turned it into a cough. "Right. I remember. You said something about a wig…" He coughed again.

"It looks fine on my brother!" Rukia defended him immediately.

"Sure, Aesegawa looks- I mean-" He coughed again. "You look lovely, Captain."

By this time Ichigo's lack of self-preservation had made him forget that he wasn't going to speak. "Yeah, now who's the womanly one?" snickered Ichigo. He shuddered as both siblings began glaring at him. "I'll just stop… Speaking."

Both Kutchiki siblings said as one, "**good**."

In the courtroom of the Seireitei, Things were not going well for Yamamoto. He honestly had no idea what had gone wrong with the world. His kingdom was crumbling down around his ears, and he had no idea how to stop it. The entirety of the Seireitei had become peppered in holes in the ground that seemed to appear from nowhere. A strange group of people seemed to be running around with a stranger group of animals, which looked like someone had just put pieces together from different species and made hundreds of animals Frankensteins. In fact, there seemed to be a lot of running around lately, Captains running to this and that and people running away from the Captains. The latter had something to do with the fact that about a quarter of the Captains seemed to be going in and out of homicidal rages, for what reason Yamamoto could not deduce. Zaraki was understandable, the man was in a constant state of homicidal intent, but everyone else? It was just wrong. _He_, excepting Zaraki, should be the only one allowed to inflict massive damage for no particular reason. It was his key signature! Something goes wrong, kill it. That was what he _did_. It was who he _was_. And now someone was trying to take that identity from him!

Not only that but, in what had to be the weird cherry on some demented, insanity-inducing cake, Division Eleven had even become _clean_. Anyone who knew anything knew how wrong that was.

Which was why Yamamoto had ordered that everyone be arrested, just so he could gather everyone together and try and figure out what the hell was going on. This meant that he would hopefully be able to execute half of them before the day was out, getting rid of the problem and getting back his mojo in one swoop.

He cleared his throat, looked at Lieutenant Nanao. "Lieutenant Nanao? Do you understand your duty for these trials?"

"Yes sir, I am to record them as accurately and quickly as possible, in exchange for you not arresting me."

Yamamoto nodded gravely. "Yes, and do you understand why I chose you for this task?"

"Because you couldn't find enough evidence to charge me with, considering the fact that Captain Kuchiki killed it all with his Bankai and that now it's covered in sakura petals like some daydream Yachiru had once, except without the pony and sake she would undoubtedly throw in there, for no particular reason, just because she's her?"

Yamamoto blinked. "… What?"

"Sorry, sir, writing really opened up my creative side…" She cleared her throat. "Because I was the most reliable."

"… Yes. That." Yamamoto said, shaking his head and looking at the guards which presided over the meeting. "Bring in the first victim." The guards looked at him strangely. "I mean the first… Person being charged..."

"The first defendant!" intervened Nanao.

"Yes," Yamamoto confirmed imperiously. "That."

The guards nodded and exited. In the next moment, they brought in two arguing figures.

"Lieutenant, I have put up with your lack of commitment, your lack of organisation, your complete ineptitude in doing paperwork, our complete ineptitude in any clerical duty-"

"I think that's a little harsh, Captain!"

"Name one clerical thing you've done in the years you've been my Lieutenant."

The Lieutenant was silent.

"In short, I have put up with a lot-"

"Teehee, short."

"_Lieutenant_." Hitsugaia heaved a sigh. "I have put up with a lot, but I must ask why we are both in the position where I wake up in jail next to you!"

Matsumoto shrugged. The two of them had walked through the dors without batting an eyelid, absorbed in their conflict. "Well, you were sleeping with… Well, you were sleeping, but I was thrown in here and sometime during the night you just found your way inside." She smiled and ruffled his hair. "Maybe you just adore me too much-"

"Did you do something to make me angry at you? Really angry?"

Her smile didn't move. "Why EVER would you ask that?"

"That's a yes."

Yamamoto cleared his throat. With a pointed glance at Nanao, he begun, "Captain Hitsugaia and Lieutenant Rangiku, you are both here in regards to a very serious charge." Nanao had, upon him speaking, begun transcribing everything he said.

"Captain Hitsugaia and Lieutenant Rangiku are criminals," she muttered to herself. Everyone looked at her for a moment. "Well, continue!"

"Head Captain Yamamoto," began Hitsugaia respectfully. "I request that we are told what charge is laid against us."

"The charge is laid against your Lieutenant, Captain, not you."

He blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"What?" wailed Matsumoto. Immediately, she drew a tissue from her cleavage, the gesture almost giving one of the guards a nosebleed, the effect no doubt it was meant to have. She patted it against her still-dry eyes. "Me, a poor innocent woman, charged! By whom? Who would lay a charge against poor, innocent, hard-working, virtuous me?"

"Rangiku," muttered Nanao. "Attempts to lie."

Hitsugaia was looking at his Lieutenant. "You're not convincing anyone."

"And fails."

"Stop making a spectacle of yourself."

Matsumoto clicked her fingers. "What a good idea!" She went to Nanao. "Borrowing these, thankyou!" She whipped Nanao's spectacles off and put them off.

"Hey!"

"Poor, intellectually talented but socially awkward me," Matsumoto continued with a bashful look. "I don't even know who's laying these awful charges against me! Who does this terrible thing?"

Yamamoto pointed at Hitsugaia. "He does."

"He does!" exclaimed Matsumoto, affronted.

"He does?" asked Hitsugaia himself, suddenly very confused.

"He does," confirmed Nanao, squinting at her page due to the absence of glasses.

"I –what?" the confused Captain exclaimed.

"Or you will," Yamamoto said. "Lieutenant Nanao, the evidence please?"

As Nanao began rummaging in a bag that sat at her feet, Matsumoto began her protests anew. "Head Captain, although I respect you and all your wisdom, I must say that this isn't how trials are meant to be run! You're trying to convince my own Captain, who I hold as close to my heart as my bosoms-" To help her case, she thrust said bosoms out a bit. One of the guards left the room due to a sudden nosebleed. "- to mercilessly charge me while having no case!"

"Here they are, sir," said Nanao, handing Yamamoto an envelope. He opened it and beckoned Hitsugaia. Hitsugaia, glancing at Matsumoto with some suspicion, walked over to them.

"Don't believe whatever lies he tells!" exclaimed Matsumoto. Suddenly, the temperature of the room dropped several degrees. Matsumoto looked around as icicles formed on the ceiling.

"Lieutenant," said Hitsugaia very calmly. "Could you explain something to me?"

"Yes, Captain?"

"Why are there several dozen photos of me in different Cosplay outfits?"

"I have no idea, Captain! I'm innocent as a new-born baby!"

"There's a photo where I'm in a diaper and a pram, being wheeled by two people I've never seen before."

"Innocent as snow!"

"In this one I'm dressed up as a giant snowflake."

"Innocent as a maid in the flower fields!"

"There's one where I'm a flower, and a maid… Several of those, actually. A disturbing amount of maid or flower shots are in front of me."

"Innocent as innocence itself!"

"Not only that, but you are in the background of every single one of these photos, usually smiling."

"… Innocent… As…" Matsumoto trailed off as an icicle fell down from the ceiling and smashed next to her. "You should watch those things, they'll injure someone one of these days."

"Captain… Hitsugaia," muttered Nanao. "Charges… Lieutenant… With… Thievery… Of… Innocence."

"What? No he-"

"Can I charge her with that?" Hitsugaia asked Yamamoto.

"Don't be ridiculous, that isn't a crime-"

"Yes, yes you can."

"Then I will."

"But this is ridiculous!" Matsumoto tried charming him. "Captain, surely you'll understand a poor girl's plight, I needed money desperately and you were the only commodity I had to sell."

"So you did so with impunity?"

"… No, I had none of that!"

"The maximum charge for this is death," Yamamoto exclaimed, satisfied deep inside his heart that he would be able to kill someone, _anyone_, very soon. "As both judge and jury of this court, I consider the evidence and pronounce you guilty!"

"Pimped… Out… Captain… Made… Him… Her… Bitch…" Nanao looked up, met everyone's eyes. "Never mind me."

Yamamoto shook his head, looked back at the red-headed beauty. "Well, Lieutenant? Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Matsumoto's gaze had been taken by someone else. A victorious glint lit her silver eyes as she found a way out. "Yes! The accuser can't be a child!"

"Obviously we'll make an exemption for Hitsugaia."

"Even for a ten-year old?"

They turned and saw a very small, very grumpy, ten-year old version of Hitsugaia looking out them. "What?" he grunted. "You're all stupid and stinky."

"What- but he-" Yamamoto garbled, shocked.

"She does have a point," Nanao admitted thoughtfully. "The age limit is there… Legally. Speaking as someone who's studied Seireitei law."

"Does this mean I get off?" asked Matsumoto cheerfully.

Yamamoto looked from the young version of the Captain to her. He'd been trying to keep up with the both of them since they walked through the doors, but it was too damn difficult. "Fine. Go sit in the back while I trial the next people. I'll think of someone else –Lieutenant Rangiku!"

She started. "What?"

"Give those pictures back! They're evidence!"

Her cleavage finished swallowing them. "What pictures?"

Yamamoto rubbed his head, sure he was going to get a migraine sooner or later. "Go sit somewhere I can keep an eye on you." Matsumoto went to sit in the jury's spot, where there was nobody else sitting. She smiled at the younger version of Hitsugaia. "Come here, little boy! Who wants to give Rangiku a hug for not putting her in jail?"

The ten year old sat, pointedly far from her. "You're face is weird. And you have weird boobs. What did you do, install two computers on your chest or something? Men don't like fake."

Matsumoto was saved from having to reply by the waiter who came around wearing a neatly pressed waiter's uniform and holding a tray of drinks. "Water, madam?"

"Oh, well, sake would be better, but it'll have to do," she shrugged, taking one. She did a double take at the waiter. "Say, I'm pretty sure I've seen you before, but your name escapes me…"

"My Mohawk did that to me this morning," replied the waiter, looking very, very tired. "I was sure I had one but I looked in the mirror and it was gone."

With that, he moved on.

"Huh," Matsumoto frowned. "Hey, Captain, there's someone more messed up than you!"

The ten-year-old Captain said a very rude word at her.

"Kids these days…"

One moment, Makizou was a drunken Oompa Loompa. The next, he fell from his place and, as if the physical shock prompted the change, he was his normal height, normal colour and spoke in his normal as opposed to high-pitched voice. The first thing he'd done was jump up and down and shut, "YES! I'M ME AGAIN! NORMAL ME!"

The guards who had come to arrest them all paused, looking at him oddly. The Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Freens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** looked at him oddly. The animals looked at him oddly.

He grabbed a bottle, drained it and said, "*hic* Watcha lookin' at? Wanna fight!"

"He's no longer the Oompa Loompa," muttered the leader, the woman in the white dress, who wore a mask though everyone seemed to know who she was. A small gaggle of ugly, mean-looking children followed her around everywhere.

"What do we do?" muttered another.

"Not worship him!"

"STOP WORSHIPPING THE EX-OOMPA LOOMPA!"

"NOT WORSHIPPING! NOT WORSHIPPING!"

With that, the Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** moved off with their tribe of animals, chanting something about a big fight over animal rights and something to do with the 'maker'. Makizou was too focused on getting drunk again to bother listening. He didn't notice the guards closing in on him until they began leading him away.

"CAPTAIN MAYURI KUROTSUTCHI, WE KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE! PLEASE SURRENDER AND COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!"

"Lols, no," Mayuri said as he fired at them with a ray gun he seemed to have procured from nowhere ages ago. He peered out with interest as some odd screams were heard. "Oh, so that's what this does."

"I'm scared to ask," Urahara said, looking at the ray gun. "But what does it do?"

"It makes plants turn into gay stripper cowboys. Funny, that."

"But… That's not threatening. Weird, but not threatening."

"They're also forty feet tall and overweight."

"Ah." They heard something which sounded like giant's footsteps, as well as a few calls of, "you want to see what _real_ cowboys look like, honey!" followed by a chorus of "OH GOD NO."

"Right," Mayuri said, turning around and facing them. Urahara, Jinta, Tessai and Ururu watched in trepidation. They had all been trapped and forced to watch as, through the early hours of the morning, Mayuri had held them off using a weird array of weapons and chemicals that he seemed to have manufactured for no particular reason, and didn't seem to know what they did. It was a learning process, one which the 'subjects' wished they hadn't had. "So, we've been holed up together and I think we're closely bonded enough that we have a good feel of each other…" He paused, frowned. "Oh, look, they've all died again."

Five minutes later and everyone was alive again. "So I just tried to be… Oh, what's it called? That word when you're not performing inhumane acts on anyone or ignoring them?"

"… Humane?" suggested Urahara.

"Kind?" Jinta shrugged, as much as he could beneath the confines.

"Not a monster?" Ururu said timidly.

"Friendly?" Tessai tried.

"One of those," Mayuri brushed it off. "I tried and it didn't work. So instead I'm going to be blunt."

"You were being subtle before?" asked Urahara in despair.

"We're being attacked by the guards, who sound like they want to arrest us all," he said. They all stopped, listened to the various chanting and animal noises. "And by an army of ultra left-wingers and various monstrosities who I have nothing to do with."

The other four gave him looks of varying scepticism.

"Look, I'll sum this up; do you want to die a horrible death or do you want to fight on my side!"

Everyone procrastinated answering.

"That had a question mark but I wasn't actually asking." He pressed a button that set them all free. "Now let's go forth and defeat our enemies, more importantly stopping them from coming in here and destroying my laboratory, with our fivesome of…" He looked about. "Look, would you stop dying on me, it's really quite distracting."

Five minutes later they were all alive again.

"Please, stop saying words that can be taken in that way," Urahara said with a haunted look on his face.

"You're just lucky I have the technology to bring you all back, _specimens_." They all twitched collectively. "Now, the reason I have enlisted your help-"

"Forced it," muttered Jinta.

"Is that I have a secret weapon with which to defeat them!"

"Do you know what it does?" asked Tessai.

"Of course I do."

They looked at him.

"Don't give me that look, I can kill you with an innuendo. Right, so, we need a codeword that one of you can use to alert me when to use the secret weapon! It will demolish all their forces immediately. It must be something that nobody would ever use."

"Why do we need a codeword?"

"Because I want to keep you alive." They looked at him, astonished. "Well, who am I going to experiment on afterwards if you all permanently die?"

Ten minutes later and they had a code sentence.

"Right," Mayuri began, clapping his hands together and smiling. The other four looked away, shuddering slightly. Mayuri stopped smiling. "Oh, just get out there and attack."

Urahara was the first to step outside. By a curious twist of fate, immediately a llama with a giraffe's neck and an alligator's tale bowled into him, resulting in him being thrown upwards to land on the creature's back, right next to a woman in a mask and a white dress.

"IT'S RAINING MEN! HELLELUJAH!" sang the woman without tune or talent.

"Yoruichi?" Urahara started, surprised, as the llama/giraffe/alligator sped away with him. There were several prams tied to it, all of them filed with giggling children who were, apparently, greatly enjoying the ride. As he watched, a ten-year-old Soifon added another, riding the now-exhausted stork, before giving them a romantic sigh that sent a shiver of dread up Urahara's back before flying off. "What are you doing?"

"I am not Yoruichi! I am the Queen President of the Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** While Doing Da Macarina!."

Urahara blinked. "I have to say. I stopped listening at around halfway through that title. There also seems to be an extra exclamation mark at the end when you don't need one. Have you considered shortening it-"

"NEVER!"

"Alright, whatever!" cried Urahara. "I don't really know what's going on with you, or anyone actually. To be honest, I'm alive and in no immediate danger so I'm perfectly happy to ride this… Thing with you."

There was another romantic sigh. "Hat-man is so romantic to Kitty… The honey moon will be SO cute."

"… I take back everything I just said," Urahara continued in the same tone of voice. "If I look around I'm going to see yet another child following us, and that is just going to depress me. Although we could always sell them for slaves later on, I suppose…"

"That's the spirit," Yoruichi smiled with a lopsided grin.

He paused, then continued in a voice which suggested a suppressed panic that grew steadily more and more not panicked. "What _is_ also going to depress me is the fact that we are hurtling faster and faster towards a building that seems to be very large and solid and not slowing down."

"You see, you're thinking like me now!" Yoruichi cheered.

"We're going to die."

"Don't you feel better now?"

"I hate you," he admitted before pulling his hat closely over his face. There was a huge crash.

Yamamoto blinked. "Why is there a huge hole in my wall?"

"Why is there a huge hole in your mum?" Matsumoto said sweetly. "ARK- stop pulling my hair Hitsugaia!"

The young Hitsugaia was sitting behind her and pulling on her hair irritatingly. "Am I annoying?" He snickered.

"YES."

"Silence in the court!" boomed Yamamoto. He looked around as two figures emerged from the rubble.

"Whoa… We're actually alive!" exclaimed a blonde man wearing a hat.

"Whoa… Destruction!" cheered the tall, tan woman in a wedding gown beside him.

A waiter walked between them, offered them both drinks and walked off. Both of them watched the man with strange looks, like his face was very, very vaguely familiar in an oblique sort of way, but there was no chance of attaching a name to it, so both forgot immediately.

"You must be Urahara and Yoruichi!" exclaimed Nanao, looking at the new-comers. The last few minutes had been spent getting her glasses back from Hitsugaia, who had taken them and run off with them. "Head Captain, they're on your list of defendants for later on, why not trial them both now?"

"What?" Urahara said.

"Pineapples," said Yoruichi.

"Why not?" replied Yamamoto gloomily. "Nothing else in the last past week has made any sense, why should this?"

"No, really, what?" asked Urahara. "I think I'm missing something. Defendant?"

"Yes."

"I haven't even been arrested!"

"I'm arresting you both here and now. Consider yourself arrested."

Urahara blinked, tried to process this. "… Shouldn't we have our rights read to us or something?"

Yamamoto's eyes narrowed. "Fine. You have the right to do whatever I say. And I'm saying get in the damn defendant's chair."

Urahara gloomily went and sat in the chair. "This isn't how I wanted my day to work out. I don't even know what my charge is!"

"Your charge is shipping illegal Earth items into the Seireitei."

"Oh, alright. It all makes sense now… Sort of." Urahara perked up. "I mean –what illegal Earth items?"

"Viagra for Captain Shunsui was the main complaint. In fact, it seems to have been written in capitals and underlined several times…" Yamamoto glanced suspiciously at Nanao, who suddenly was gripping her pen quite hard. He shook his head, went back to reading. "Earth medicine, Earth toys… Although why you would want to ship Earth toys in…"

Urahara smiled sleazily. "Well, it depends on what floats your boat."

Yamamoto blinked. "Boat?"

"Opens your drawers. Flies your kite. Rises your sun."

"…You're speaking words, but they aren't making logical sense," said the nonplussed Head Captain. "Whatever you're saying, I pronounce you guilty, but because of the next charge, I'm going to discharge you."

Urahara, who had been certain he was going to go to jail and had already begun making plans for organising his shop in absence of…. Himself… Perked up. "Really? That's great!"

"Yoruichi, would you step up to the defendant's chair, please?"

She did, and more.

"Kindly get of Urahara's lap."

She blinked at him, smiling happily. "He's going to be my daddy."

"…What?" asked Yamamoto.

"Hey, Yoruichi," said a suddenly very uncomfortable Urahara. "I like you and we're great friends and you're very attractive, but it would be kind of weird to do this now since we're in a court room… And there's about a dozen children glaring at me… And, oh, god, there's Soifon with a camera-"

There was a flash. Soifon giggled and jumped onto the much-abused stork, who made an odd gurgling sound before she flew away. "I'm going to put these up everywhere, and then Kitty and Hat Man will _have _to get married!"

"… Wasn't that the Stealth Force Captain?" asked Yamamoto, completely confused.

"Yep," said Urahara. He looked at Yoruichi as she began patting his head. "Are you alright there?"

"Yes, daddy."

"That's not even hot, like it might be in other circumstances. It's just… Creepy. Seriously, stop it. _Yoruichi_!"

"I think I've seen enough evidence to convict!"

"That doesn't surprise me," said Urahara, depressed. "Come on, out with it. I know this day can't get any worse than it possibly is right now, so nothing you say will be in any way-"

"You're charged with kidnapping thirteen Seireitei children, including the Stealth Force Captain, even though I was certain she was an adult before."

"… What?" asked Urahara.

"As punishment, you are both sentenced to death."

"Oh, of course we are," muttered Urahara vehemently. "You know why? Because you solve every problem that way! Someone's in trouble? Kill someone else! There's a fire? Kill someone! There's too much traffic on the road? Kill many someone's, that'll fix it!"

"You're saying this like it's a bad thing."

"We didn't even do anything! We've been trying to get rid of the brats ever since Soifon started throwing them at us!"

"That's child abandonment and attempting to frame," pointed out Nanao.

"Right you are, Lieutenant."

"No, it's not!"

"Which means you're going to be executed."

"WHAT?"

"Today."

"But that- we have jails-"

"After I've trailed everyone else, of course, but executed all the same."

"Daddy looks funny with his mouth hanging open like that," said Yoruichi.

Urahara wished he was brain dead again. The world was so much better that way.

"Drink?"

"…Sure."

But at least they had good service.


	17. Waiter!

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Chapter Seventeen**

Waiter!

"Where did Urahara go?" asked Jinta, looking around as someone threw something which looked like it might have once been a ferret before a good dose of reptile was added to its system was thrown by his head. "HEY, WATCH IT!"

"I'm the one flying here!" exclaimed the ferret/reptile before flying off on small dragon wings. "Bloody humans…"

"He was the first one out," Ururu worried as the three of them hid behind a small barricade. Mayuri's wild screech could occasionally be heard shouting, "COME BACK, SPECIMENS!" or some other atrocity, but he'd been out of sight for a while. None of them had a problem with this. "Do you think something's happened to him?"

"If he's still out there, then of course it has," Tessai said as he looked over the barricade they'd built of some random machinery Mayuri had lying around that had been thrown outside by a cross between an elephant and a gorilla, with a bit of emu added into the mixture for good measure. It was probably a torture machine, but if it would keep those things away form them, none of them had a problem with it.

"Shouldn't we go looking for him?" Ururu worried.

"What?" exclaimed Jinta. "Of course not!"

"He sacrificed himself by going first," Tessai said stoically.

"Um… I think he was the first one out by accident. He didn't want to go first."

"But he still did, for our sakes!" Tessai continued.

"It wasn't that he went anyway, he just went by accident."

"What an honourable accident."

"Do you want to make his sacrifice all for nothing?" demanded Jinta. "Are you that _heartless_, Ururu!"

"Well, no, but-"

"But nothing!"

"We will forever remember him!"

"I don't think he's dead, probably just maimed a bit. We might be able to help-"

Jinta, frustrated, turned to Ururu with his hands on his hips. "Look, let me put it like this; do you really want to go out there, right now?"

"… Not really, no."

"So sit down and shut up. Urahara can take care of himself."

They all flinched as a giant yellow monkey hit the barricade and bounded off, hopping away on kangaroo legs.

"Is anyone else why the hell Mayuri had roomfuls of pieced-together animals just sitting around?"

"Because he's Mayuri," Tessai answered Jinta with haunted eyes.

"OH, SPECIMENS, DON'T MAKE ME GET OUT THE TOILET PLUNGER!"

They collectively shuddered, the animals included. "I see your point," agreed Jinta gloomily.

"Is anyone else thinking that maybe our secret code word wasn't such a good idea?" asked Ururu hesitatingly. "We didn't think of this then, but there is probably-"

"Don't say it!" the other two exclaimed at once.

"The Captain said that all he needed was us to say when it was clear enough, seeing how he was busy performing a few… quick experiments…" Tessai swallowed, trying not to throw up.

"But _he's_ not here," pointed out Ururu. Suddenly, they heard a voice. This voice had been terrifying on many occasions. It had been used to scare hundreds into submission, and succeeded. It was the kind of voice which promised every kind of violent action all at once, with the possibility of a jackhammer thrown in there if you were lucky. But never had it invoked such fear as it did in those three, then.

"Hey, Mayuri, need a hand?" said Zaraki loudly.

The three of them stared at each other. "Oh, no…"

"Captain Zaraki," exclaimed Mayuri, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"My attack-senses were tingling, and I wanted part of the fun. These guys giving you trouble?"

"I don't need your help."

"I'm not offering to help, I'm offering to fight people."

"Well… If you insist."

"WE ARE THE AWESOMELY POWERFUL COWPEOPLE GANGSTA GREENS FROM MARS WHO GONNA PUT A CAP IN YO *** WHILE DOING DA MACARINA!."

Even Zaraki was momentarily stopped by that. "What?"

"The Awesomely Powerful-"

"No, don't read the entire thing to me again, my attention span isn't that long."

"Yay, attention span!" cheered Yachiru happily. "Kenny, why are those people over there putting their hands out? Do they want me to cut them off. Because I can do that!"

In the background, there had been a steady and constant chorus of the Macarina going for several hours. Very immediately and very suddenly, that stopped. Yachiru sighed in disappointment. "Never mind, they stopped."

"We are the Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** While Doing Da Macarena!."

"Uh…" Zaraki frowned, trying to think about what made this sentence odd. "I think… There's something there that doesn't need to be…"

"Too much punctuation!" screeched Mayuri.

Zaraki clicked. "That's it!"

"But, wait, we're not doing the Macarena any more!"

"She's right, we're not."

"But our title says we are!"

"But if we do, we die."

Ten minutes of complex conferring and elaborate plotting later and, "WE HAVE CHANGED OUR NAME!"

"Ace of Spades," said Mayuri where him, Zaraki and Yachiru were playing cards.

"I have a card in my left hand!" cheered Yachiru, showing it to them.

"Does that mean I win?" asked Zaraki, bored.

"Hey!"

"We have CHANGED OUR NAME!"

"It's important!"

The two Captains put down their cards and looked at them. Yachiru continued started at the one in her left hand, oblivious to what was happening around them.

"We are now…"

Several of them did cartwheels, landing on top of each other to create a human pyramid. Once they were all in formation, all of they yelled, "THE AWESOMELY POWERFUL COWPEOPLE GANGSTA GREENS FROM MARS WHO GONNA PUT A CAP IN YO *** WHILE _NOT_ DOING DA MACARINA!."

"…You changed one word," said Zaraki.

"One word makes all the difference."

"…You know something is wrong," Mayuri began with a kind of horror. "When I am one of the only sane person in the immediate vicinity."

"I'm sure we can fix that," Zaraki said in a way that might have been consolidating had he not been slowly unsheathing his Zanpakto. "By killing everything!"

"How would that… Never mind, I'm in a bad mood now. YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE."

There was a long, drawn out moment of panicked screaming before someone said, "look, a pony."

"I'm not distracted that easily," Zaraki replied.

"Kenny, can I play with the pony?" asked Yachiru, abandoning the card for more entertaining diversion.

"Sure," he said, distracted. He did a double-take. "What?"

The both of them looked around. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Mayuri huffed in his maniacal screech. "Can't a scientist conduct a series of experiments which may or may not involve odd materials at odd times and has no regard for the Hippocratic oath without _something _interrupting?"

The three hiding figures peered over their barricade with trepidation. A little way away from the main group, there was Lieutenant Yachiru happily feeding her card to a pony.

"That's…" began Ururu, distracted.

"A pony." Jinta stated.

"This isn't looking good," worried Tessai.

"Even if it is a very pretty interruption," said Mayuri. Zaraki stared at him.

"…What?"

"I don't care how pretty the pony is, I don't want to be interrupted. But why should that matter?" Mayuri's disgruntled look suddenly faded, to be replaced with an optimistic look that seemed to encapsulate and embody joy, hope and wonder, all at the same time. "Why should any of that matter, when pretty ponies exist to brighten our day? Why should there be hunger or war when we can simply pat a pony, and make everything better?"

"Is he on drugs," Jinta wondered as they all ducked back down.

"Probably," Tessai said immediately. "But that would be normal for him. This is not."

"Actually, you're right," Zaraki said, completely surprising both himself and anyone listening. "The pony makes everything clear now! We should all join hands, forsake fighting, and raise our voices in praise of the pony!"

"What's happening?" asked Ururu, the three of them afraid to look.

"I don't know," Tessai said. "Jinta, can you see what's happening?"

"No. Ururu, what's happening?"

Ururu sighed and looked herself. She was very still and silent for a long moment before sitting back down with a numb look of shock.

"Well?" asked Jinta urgently.

"They're all in a circle."

"Killing each other?"

"Holding hands."

"…What?"

"And swaying gently. But that's not the worse."

Almost afraid to ask, the two males looked on in trepidation. "What is?"

"Mayuri is… He's…"

They waited.

"…Doing ballet."

"_What_?"  
>"He's doing turns and jumps and things. And he's actually really good at it."<p>

They all fell silent as a sound began creeping from the singers beyond. They stilled in horror as a tune danced over the wind.

"Are they…?" asked Tessai.

"Surely not…" Jinta said.

Ururu frowned. "Isn't that the theme song to 'My Little Pony'?"

"My friends," began Zaraki's voice. "Today we've made a wonderful, beautiful discovery. That, with the power of ponies, you can unlock your innermost desires. And, my friends, my glorious companions, I have discovered mine!"

"Tell us, O wise follower of ponies!" exclaimed the people who had been battling for the rights of animals everywhere a moment ago. All the animals were more or less staring with all the incredulity of the three remaining sane people, probably wondering what the humans were all on.

"I have discovered that all I want from life… Is…" He sniffed, burst into tears as he confessed his one true desire. "A fully functioning set of drawers!"

"Group hug!" someone yelled. There was a round of 'awwww'.

"I think I'm going to throw up," Jinta said queasily.

"Why?" asked Ururu, a blissful smile on her face. They looked at her in horror. "All it takes is one look at the pony to see the light." Unafraid, she stood. "Zaraki! Follow your heart! Find your perfect set of drawers!"

The Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** While Not Doing Da Macanena! and Mayuri all cheered and clapped. A few animals face-palmed, or snout-hoofed/flippered, in the background. Zaraki nodded and began prancing off into the non-existent sunset which only the pony-worshippers could see. Ururu came over to join the circle, and they began anew the round of 'My Little Pony.'

Tessai and Jinta exchanged a look. "At least," shrugged the former. "Nobody has said the secret codeword yet. Then they heard it.

"My name is Zaraki, and I'm powered by a pony! A mutant chipmunk just bit me, but I don't care!"

They both swore.

#

"I miss the pony," sighed Orihime.

"What do you think happened to Ichigo and Uryu?" asked Chad thoughtfully. "They put us here because we're easier to contain than them, or so they said, but I hope they still are trying to get out."

Orihime began humming the chorus to 'My Little Pony'.

"Do you ever get the feeling," Chad asked, depressed. "That somehow we've been forgotten about?"

"Oh, you haven't been forgotten about," said a nice but soft male voice. They both turned to see a waiter with a tray of drink entering their cell. "Would you like a drink?"

"Yes, please!" exclaimed Orihime, taking one of the glasses. "Could do with some salt and bread, but this will do fine."

"I'm sorry I couldn't help more."

"Oh, no, that's alright…" her eyes glazed over. "Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"Probably." The waiter turned to Chad, who was still staring. "Water?"

"But…" Began Chad in his slow, methodical way, trying to process what he just saw. "Those bars…"

"No? Well, if you do, I'll be around a little later." With that he exited the cell and walked off.

"He was nice," Orihime smiled.

"Orihime, that man, maybe less than half my size, just bent open the metal bars of our cage without a sweat and then bent them back into shape. _I _couldn't do that!"

"…Everywhere you go, a smiling face," murmured Orihime softly. "Running and skipping; merrily tripping…"

Chad shook his head. "Never mind."

#

Two guards were walking outside the court building when a strange sight caught their eyes. It was the deadly and dangerous leader of Squad Eleven skipping and humming softly to himself. They both stared for a moment.  
>"Uh… Sir?"<p>

Zaraki stopped, smiled pleasantly. One of them fainted. "Yes, lovely gentlemen?"

"You… You…" The guard swallowed, shut his eyes, and said the rest of what he needed to say. "_You'reunderarrest_."

Zaraki hugged the man. It took a second before he, too fainted. "As long as there are drawers, nothing can get me down… Hello?"

#

The pony was all-powerful, but there was one thing it could not stop Mayuri from doing. It could not stop him from hearing the sentence which had been their code and perking up.

"That was the sign!" he screeched. With that, he drew from his coat a remote control and pressed a button on it, waited expectantly. Out of his laboratory rose a huge metal rod.

"What _is_ that?" asked Jinta, looking at him.

"Other than a giant self-inspired phallic symbol-" began Mayuri. There was a collective thump as everyone in immediate hearing vicinity died. The pony keeled over too. "What? No, no, I just meant that my own genius inspired me and that it was a phallic symbol, not that the two were related…" He sighed, went into his laboratory and brought everyone back to life.

"Right, where was I… Oh, yes!" He cleared his throat. "This secret weapon is designed to invert reality!"

The long rod began heading up, preparing to fire.

#

Someone knocked on the courtroom wall before punching through it and stepping inside. Yamamoto, Nanao, the recently convicted Urahara and Yoruichi, as well as Matsumoto and Hitsugaia, turned and stared as Zaraki stepped through, gently depositing the two prone forms of the guard on the ground. He looked up, smiled peacefully. "May the light of ponies light your way, and may drawers inspire you to greatness."

With that, he turned and walked away.

"Wait!" Yamamoto exclaimed. "You're on trial!"

Zaraki smiled calmly. "Am I?"

"Yes! You're charged with the…" Yamamoto blanked. He looked at Nanao.

"With attacking everyone who looks like Ichigo Kurosaki."

"But he attacks everyone all the time anyway," pointed out Matsumoto. "Ouch- Hitsugaia, stop it! My hair is not a swing!"

"Normally we would overlook this if not for the copious amount of paperwork that he gave everyone to do," Nanao said.

"But wasn't that just returned?" asked Matsumoto. "Hitsugaia- right, you're getting a smack in a moment."

"No," denied Nanao. "It was new paperwork that he was trying to make us do. We would never give him our paperwork, so therefore it can't have been ours in the first place."

"This makes sense," nodded Zaraki. They looked at him.

"Okay, what the frick is wrong with him?" wondered Urahara, scratching his hat. Yoruichi had gotten off his lap and was now patting the younger version of Hitsugaia, who was giving her odd looks.

"Nothing, brother of the pony. All that is wrong here is wrong with the world. For if we just gave in to the power of the pony, all wrongs would be forgiven, and all darkness would be light."

Yamamoto rubbed between his eyes. "I have been here for several hours already and it looks like I'm going to be here for several more. Let's skip everything and just ask this; I'm charging you, are you going to do what I tell you or not."

"Why, of course! Even my search for drawers can be put on hold to assist another brother in his daily plight."

"Right, good, sit over there and please don't say anything." Yamamoto sighed. "Who's next on the list of the accused?"

"Defendant… That's funny, there's nothing written here." Nanao's eyes tried, desperately, to focus on something her mind didn't want her to focus on. "No, wait, there it is. Hanatarou…"

"Yamada!" exclaimed a hopefully voice from the back of the room, which nobody seemed to hear. "Hanatarou Yamada!"

"Lieutenant? You were saying something?" prompted Yamamoto.

"His name is… This is strange. Hanatarou… Yama…" She immediately forgot what she was saying and drew off. "That's funny, I could have sworn there was a name here…"

"HANATAROU YAMADA!"

"Never mind, it's the one in Cell Number 263. Shall I send someone to fetch him?"

"That sounds like a good idea."

There was a small, depressed sound from the back of the room.

"Did you hear something?" Urahara asked Matsumoto.

"No, I- ow, Hitsugaia, that's it!" She smacked Histugaia for biting her. He gave her a look before hitting her back. He seemed to be ignoring Yoruichi as she continued patting him.

"Never mind," Urahara said.

#

The weapon let off a huge bang, discharging with an outpouring of energy that sent a tingling down the spine of everyone in the Seireitei. For a long moment, everyone froze in terror. For a long moment nothing happened. Nothing continued to happen. Nothing continued, very pointedly, to happen, wondering why everyone was suddenly paying very close attention to it.

"What did you say it was supposed to do?" asked one of the ex-greens calmly.

"Twist reality."

"Brother… Reality is a fluid thing that can't be twisted. For the pony has done that well enough."

The pony huffed gently. Yachiru continued patting it, braiding its mane, completely oblivious to what was happening around her.

"Captain?" said a new voice.

"Lieutenant," said Mayuri crisply. "And just where have you been?"

"Arrested. They let me out to get you. It seems nobody wants to try and come get you… Why is your Reality-Warper… Captain, that's not going to work in this time and place."

"And why not?"

"Because the Reality-Warper requires a state of stable reality to warp. To put it simply, nothing makes sense anyway, so nothing's happened."

Mayuri wilted. "A little disaster. That's all I want. A little revenge. Is that too much to ask for?" The mutant chipmunk jumped up onto his head, bit his nose, and then jumped off. Mayuri twitched. Then he saw the pony. "On the other hand… What a pretty pony!"

"Captain, why are you doing ballet?"

"This is going to be a long day," muttered Jinta.

"Tell me about it," replied Tessai.

#

Nanao came back, looking very pale. Quietly, she walked up to her desk, sat down, stared at the piece of paper for several long moments without actually seeing it.

"Lieutenant?" asked Yamamoto when it became completely clear that she wasn't going to say anything. "Where is the defendant?"

"Not there."

"No? Has he escaped? I thought he was a low-level Soul Reaper?"

"… He is. Was."

"I am. Very," said the voice that everyone seemed to be ignoring.

"Quiet, waiter," Yamamoto snapped. "So was he let out?"

"No… He wasn't. And all over his jail cell, there was written one sentence over and over again. 'My name is…'" Her eyes glazed over. "I had it a moment ago, I know I did."

"Hanatarou Yamada!"

"Waiter, I said _quiet_."

"But that wasn't the weirdest thing. There was also a kangaroo drawn all over one of the walls, with space ships and cups of tea drawn around it."

"That is strange, but what-"

"That wasn't the strangest part either. The strangest thing was that, although by all reports, in fact, by only reports… This is the only thing people remember of this man, actually… Is that he's extremely weak…"

"I would get offended but it's true."

"… He somehow managed to bend open the bars of his gate."

"But that doesn't make sense," Yamamoto frowned.

"None of this makes any sense," Hanatarou said from the back as he absent-mindedly passed around some more water. "My brain hasn't been working properly for the last two days. Unless I'm right and we're in the Pacific Ocean dancing the can-can, I'm hallucinating."

Someone knocked on the wall, called through the gigantic hole Zaraki had left. "Hello?" called Nemu's voice softly. The waiter perked up in the background as she gently stepped through the hole. "I… I brought… Why is there a hole in this…" She saw Zaraki humming quietly to himself in the corner. "Never mind."

"No, we must figure this out before any more problems arise," Yamamoto frowned. "We have a missing defendant, which means someone I might not get to kill today. When I don't get to kill people, I get sad. Which means someone else would have to be killed in his place." Yamamoto looked very pointedly at Matsumoto.

The red-haired beauty immediately pointed to Nemu. "She seems to know who he is! The man everyone forgets, she can remember him!"

"That's because she's an angel!" exclaimed Hanatarou.

"Waiter, be _quiet_,"

Nemu looked at him and smiled. "Hello, Hanatarou. How are you?"

"… Please don't make me answer that." He smiled. "How are you?"

"Um… Good?" she tried.

"We're trying to find a man called Hana… Hanatarou… There's a second part of that somewhere…" Nanao tried, frustrated.

"Hanatarou Yamada of Division Four?" Nemu asked innocently. Half the room stared at her. Zaraki was meditating on the quality of wood in joints. Yoruichi was plaiting the longer bits of Hitsugaia's hair, and Hitsugaia was kicking the back of Matsumoto's chair.

"It's so strange…" murmured Nanao. "I know you said his name but I can't quite remember it…"

"Would you be able to recognise him?" asked Yamamoto. "This…" A curiously blanket expression came across his face.

"Hanatarou?" asked Nemu, glancing to Hanatarou as he came to stand beside her.

"Please, take some water," Hantarou offered. "All that saying my name must be tiring. It must be, or more people would say it."

"… Thankyou," she said uncertainly.

"Waiter, stop interrupting!" exclaimed Yamamoto. "Honestly, I should have you sent away, but you're being so helpful…"

"Yes," Nemu said, answering the question from before. "I would… I mean I do recognise him."

"…Who are we talking about again?" asked Yoruichi. But she was half-out of it anyway, so Hanatarou didn't feel too bad.

"… Who are we talking about again?" asked Matsumoto.

Hanatarou suddenly got very, very depressed.

"Hanatarou Yamada," Nemu reminded them all. "And, yes, I do recognise him."

"What, you mean he's in the room?" asked Nanao.

"Where, point him out!" demanded Yamamoto.

Nemu looked up from sympathetically patting Hanatarou on the shoulder. She awkwardly pointed at him.

"But that's the waiter."

"… This is Hanatarou Yamada."

"Don't be foolish, we wouldn't employ a criminal as a waiter," Yamamoto scoffed.

"Hired implies payment," Hanatarou said. After a moment, he laughed. "Ah, payment… That's funny."

"Well…" Nemu said thoughtfully. "When do you remember asking a waiter to be employed in a courtroom?"

The room fell silent. Hanatarou waved at them. "Hello."

#

In the back of a storeroom somewhere, there came a ,"_hic_" promptly followed by a loud, prolonged burp.

"Haha, those bastards couldn't hold me," gushed Makizou in a very drunk way. He took offense to the angle of a rod propped up against the wall and punched it. His hand hurt, but the rod fell over, so he felt justified in knowing he'd made his point. "Bloody jail people tryin' to keep me there…" He promptly discovered another crate of alcohol and began drinking.

#

"Right, so now that we've found him," said Yamamoto awkwardly after everyone sort of coughed and cleared their throats for a minute.

"I remember you now," Matsumoto exclaimed, looking at Hanatarou and clicking her fingers. "I tried to beat you up with Kira, but I felt sorry for you so we took you to the hospital instead."

Hanatarou wilted, just a little. "I remember. Also, cauliflowers are green this time of year." He gave a small, deranged grin.

"… Yes."

Yamamoto cleared his throat. "As I was saying, now that both Ha… Ham.. Hamtoe and Nemu are here."

Nemu put her arm around Hanatarou's shoulder, partly in comfort and partly because he began trying to hit his head against the nearest wall.  
>"We can start the trial. Lieutenant Nemu and…<em>You<em>… You two are both on trial for the illegal seduction of a large part of the Seireitei population."

"My, my, you've been a busy girl, Nemu," purred Matsumoto. Her appreciating leer vanished a moment later as Hitsugaia resumed kicking her chair. "Right, no more lollies or candy for you!"

"Don't want that stuff, it's disgusting." He kicked her chair especially hard.

"Why are you such a brat? You were never like this before as a child, why are you like this now?"

"Why does any of this happen?" asked Hanatarou with a haunted look. "Why does the universe inherently hate everyone? But me especially. Why, OH GOD WHY, does it hate me especially?"

"Because of drawers," said Zaraki wisely.

"The trial," said Yamamoto in a loud, booming voice. In a more normal tone he continued. "You are both charged with the ruthless seduction of the Seireitei, how do you plead?"

"It can't have been the entire Seireitei," Matsumoto said, depressed. "Come on, please say it wasn't! Because I'll just be depressed if it was. Seriously, that's my job."

"A good portion of it."

"Damn, girl," Matsumoto said, looking at Nemu. "I'm going to have to step up my game. Hitsugaia, if you kick my chair one more time, I will kick your face."

"That's child cruelty," pointed out Nanao.

"Hey, Hitsugaia? Hear that? She called you a child."

In the blink of an eye Hitsugaia began kicking Nanao's chair instead. She looked at Matsumoto with narrowed eyes. "I hate you."

Matsumoto blew her a kiss.

Nemu blinked. "I understand why I am being charged, and I can do nothing but plead guilty and accept my punishment, but why is Hanatarou being charged too?"

"Because the universe hates me. I thought we established this."

Yamamoto blinked. "Who?" He checked his paperwork. "Oh, yes, you mean … Ammyno."

"That doesn't even… Never mind."

"He is charged because there are reports of him helping you."

"What? I stood up for her, but that doesn't mean I was helping her," Hanatarou pointed out. Suddenly, he looked at Nemu, panicking. "But I would have happily helped if you'd asked! I promise I would have."

"It's okay, I know you would help me with any problem I have," Nemu said gently. Hanatarou smiled at her, and Nemu found herself smiling back. But their moment only lasted a brief second before it was interrupted.

Outside, they all heard a strange sound. It sounded like many voices raised in praise of a particular song, a song ingrained into the minds of children and adults of a certain age group everywhere, a song that will forever live as a tune of peace and harmony and everything pink.

"Why," began Urahara, very, very confused. "Is everyone singing 'My Little Pony'?"

Outside, a strange procession followed. A line of people all holding hands and singing happily while staring vaguely into the distance were skipping along, following a pony with Yachiru on its back. It wasn't immediately clear whether the pony had been painted pink and purple by the pink-haired Lieutenant or if that was its original colouring. Either way, the pony seemed content to amble along, the procession behind it. First in the line was Ururu. Tessai and Jinta held hands behind her, drooling vaguely, having at sometime accidentally glanced at the pony. Following them were what had once been the Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** While Doing Not Da Macarena!, all of them humming slightly out of tune.

"What the…" muttered Yamamoto. The last member of the procession passed them. They all stared even harder. "…_What_?"

"That was Captain Mayuri Kurotsutchi, Head Captain," Nanao explained, slightly shocked herself but trying to do her job.

"Yes, but what we he _doing_?"

"Ballet, it seems."

"He wasn't bad, either," muttered Urahara.

"I never knew my Captain was so talented," Nemu said, admiration clear in her voice.

"That pony was pretty," Yoruichi said. Since Hitsugaia had begun tormenting Nanao, she'd been looking a little lost, but she seemed to be swaying happily now.

"Normally I would disagree," Matsumoto said. "But I suddenly want to run after it and touch its mane… So much… It looked so soft and happy there."

"How can a mane look _happy_?" Urahara blinked. "You know what? Never mind. I actually… Think… I agree. Its tail is so pretty…"

"May the power of drawers be with you," Zaraki said peacefully. "And may we all bathe in the glory of the pony."

"Let's go out…" Yamamoto began. They looked at him. His mind was struggling with a very difficult conundrum. "And… not kill… The pony?" He finished uncertainly, half of him telling him to worship the pony and the other half telling him to kill everything in the room. The others all clapped and cheered.

"The pony," began Nanao sharply. They looked at her. "Is pink." They cheered for her too.

"What," began Nemu, confused. "Is happening with you all?"

"I'm not quite sure," answered Hanatarou. Their senses seemed to break through the pony-induced stupor. Everyone blinked, looked at each other for a moment. The peace in the room evaporated and a look of horror was mutually shared by everyone in the room.

"Did we just…" began Urahara.

"No, surely not…" Matsumoto said, aghast.

"I didn't…" drew off Yamamoto.

"Why were we the only ones who weren't affected?" wondered Nemu.

"Yes, it makes no sense!" exclaimed Yamamoto. "I am the manliest person in the entire Seireitei! I should have no like of ponies!"

"_The_ manliest?" asked Matsumoto. She purred slightly when asking the next question. "Are you sure about that, honey?"

"The only other contestant is Zaraki, and right now he's gone Zen over drawers. All the other contestants have obsessions with flower petals."

"… True," she said, thinking about this.

"But why were you two unaffected?" wondered Nanao, looking at Nemu and Hanatarou, and forcing her eyes not to glaze over the latter. It was very difficult to keep focuses, but she managed. "And why is Zaraki still… Like that?"

"Because the pony has showed me the light of drawers," he said, still swaying slightly.

"I think it's because the pony… Does something to people," ventured Nemu hesitatingly.

"Something both terrible and wonderful at the same time," added Hanatarou in a haunted voice.

"It seems to take away their sense of what is real and not."

"Ever since this Exchange Program started, I lost my sense of what was real and not," Hanatarou said miserably. "And stopped caring, because either way someone tries to kill me."

"But why are you two immune?" asked Yamamoto, frowning at the Lieutenant and the man who he kept forgetting. "If anyone is immune it should be me."

"I think… Perhaps… Because the way I was trained was that reality is an ever-changing thing."

"… Does anyone else not understand that?" asked Matsumoto, confused.

"She means that she was raised by Mayuri so she believes everything's messed up anyway," explained Urahara. There was a collective, "ah." Yoruichi, completely in her own world, began stroking Urahara's hat and humming quietly to herself.

"That explains her," Nanao said. "But what about…" She blanked.

"Hanatarou."

"…Him?"

Hanatarou smiled a deranged grin that said everything bad that could happen to him had happened to him, so he was quite alright with anything else that could possibly go wrong. "What about me? Ask Mr Kangaroo, he'll be able to tell you what to do."

"… Never mind. I think your sense of reality is broken already, so the pony can't do anything to it."

"In that case," Yamamoto said, rubbing his head again and knowing that, unless he killed something before the end of the day, he was going to get a headache. "You two are on parole."

"Excuse me?" asked Nemu.

"Yay!" cheered Hanatarou weakly.

"And I'm giving you a special duty upon which your continued freedom… In fact, your continued living depends."

Nemu got a feeling of trepidation. Hanatarou said, "…yay?"

"Your duty is to arrest that pony."

"… I honestly don't think I've ever heard a more ridiculous sentence in my life," admitted Urahara. "Especially from you. And, with everything that's been happening in the last few days, that's saying something."

Yamamoto was trying to maintain a stoic face. "It's probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever said, but I will sacrifice a little dignity in order to correct this problem."

"That's not just a little dignity," Matsumoto snorted slightly.

"Head… Captain… Loses… Marbles…" Nanao wrote, tongue between her teeth. She caught everyone looking at her. "Ignore me."

"Stop talking and arrest the damn pony," ordered Yamamoto, suddenly very, very depressed. Nemu nodded and walked out of the hole in the wall. Hanatarou stood there and sulked for a bit before realising that Nemu was gone. He turned and ran after her.

"Wait, you're the only person that makes sense here! Don't leave without me!"

"I won't," Nemu promised, waiting for him before the two of them ventured outside to find the pony.

In the courtroom, there was a moment where everyone looked at everyone else, apart from the steady kick-kick-kick from Hitsugaia. Nanao stood up, turned around, put him in the corner, whispered something in his ear and sat down. Hitsugaia suddenly looked very, very subdued and stayed quietly in the corner.

"Okay," Matsumoto said disbelievingly. "How the _hell_ did you do that?"

"I told him that if he didn't stop it I would personally ensure that not only did he eat nothing but sweets for his entire life, he would also be forced to live n a room decorated by Yachiru."

All the testosterone in the room suddenly shrank, as if in fear.

"And that," Urahara said wisely. "Is a fate worse than death."

"With drawers," contributed Zaraki.


	18. How They Broke Hanatarou

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Chapter Eighteen**

How They Broke Hanatarou

"Sorry if I seem clingy," Hanatarou said as he and Nemu followed the pathway of flower petals, glitter and confetti that the people who had once been the Awesomely Powerful Cowpeople Gangsta Greens From Mars Who Gonna Put A Cap In Yo *** While Not Doing Da Macanena! kept throwing around. "I just… You're the only thing that makes sense around here."

Nemu looked at the dejected Hanatarou, certain she would reject him, and felt a pang of pity, and a pang of surprised delight over the compliment. "Thankyou for your belief. It's… Nice. To have someone who believes in you so strongly."

Hanatarou smiled at her. "So, any ideas on how we're gong to arrest this pony?" He stopped smiling. "Even saying that sentence makes me incredibly depressed…"

"Perhaps if we just ask it to come back with us?" suggested Nemu softly as the group of pony-hippies came into sight, where they had joined hands in a circle and begun swaying together. "I don't know if it'll actually work, and if it doesn't we can always try something else."

"No, no, it sounds like a good plan," said Hanatarou quickly, not noticing Nemu's surprise over his quick acquiesce. They were almost at the outer edge. They could see inside the circle. Mayuri was doing surprisingly good ballet around the pony, which Yachiru sat on, brushing out its mane. "Erm… Excuse us?"

The circle stopped. The sudden silence was intimidating. Mayuri landed with a plie and turned. As one, the pony-worshippers looked at them.

"Yes?" asked one of them.

"Uh… I just…" stammered Hanatarou, suddenly intimidated by all the worshippers looking at him very pointedly. "Well…" He saw Nemu stepping forward slightly, held out a hand, shook his head. He cleared his throat, thought for a moment, and began. "The pony is good!"

There was a wave of agreement. Old habits kicked in and most of the group half-heartedly said, "the pony is good."

"In fact, the pony… Is great!" said Hanatarou, getting up a bit of enthusiasm.

"The pony is great." This time, most people joined in, and there was a bit more energy to it.

"We will follow the pony wherever the pony sees fit to take us!"

"We will follow the pony anywhere… (mumble mumble)" the group began well, but finished in a general splurge of words. Mayuri caught sight of Nemu and blinked.

"What? Where am I? Why do my legs hurt so much?" He looked around. "Why am I in the middle of a group of hippies? Is this Woodstock again? I didn't like it then and I didn't like it now, I'd give people strange treatments and they'd come back for more instead of screaming. It was weird, damn it!"

"We will follow the pony, even if the pony is being arrested!"

"We will –WHAT!"

"Even though the pony has done nothing wrong and therefore will not get punished!" Hanatarou hurriedly amended. There were hesitant mutterings. Hanatarou sighed. "We will SUPPORT THE PONY in its task to BRING WORLD PEACE to the Seireitei IN THE COURTROOM!"

"…YEAH!" cheered the crowd, not quite sure what was going on but happy to go along with it if it meant supporting the pony.

"It _is_ Woodstock," Mayuri huffed. "Everyone's on different drugs and mine aren't the weirdest._ I don't like it_."

The pony was eating some grass casually, looking at Hanatarou like it wasn't quite sure what he was doing. Nemu realised there was, in fact, something she could do. She looked about, found some particularly long pieces of grass that miraculously hadn't been trampled or already eaten, gathered it into a bunch and waved it around. The pony looked up, sniffing the air and began ambling over in a round-about pink pony sort of way.

"Follow the pony!" yelled Hanatarou with all the enthusiasm he could muster.

"FOLLOW THE PONY!" yelled the crowd with a considerably greater amount of enthusiasm. Mayuri, who still hadn't looked back at the pony, began walking, grumbling as he went, back to the laboratory.

"Damn hippies and their drugs… What about _my_ drugs? Mine do so much more interesting things…"

#

"While we're waiting for them to…" Yamamoto cleared his throat.

"Arrest the pony?" suggested Nanao.

"Yes, that. While we're waiting, we'll move on to the next trial."

Nanao looked down her list. Matusmoto and Urahara looked closer, wondering who would be next. Zaraki mused on the combined effect of ponies and drawers on the modern-day Seireitei. Yoruichi began doing a very complex plait out of the tiny hairs on the back of Urahara's head. Hitsugaia tried to stay quiet in the corner. The tension in the room built while Nanao read silently. She took off her glasses, wiped them, but them back on in a very deliberate move that stated, very pointedly, that she couldn't quite believe what she was reading.

"Head Captain Yamamoto," she began. "You wrote this list, yes?"

"Yes, that's true."

"And you took the effort to individually trial Matsumoto and the others?"

"Yes, and?"

"You've just written, 'everyone' in the next trial. And in the charges column you've put 'everything'."

"Yes?" asked the Head Captain, quite sick of her questions. "You seem to be trying to make a point, Lieutenant Nanao."

"Head Captain… You can't charge everyone for everything. It doesn't work like that."

"Then you can sit down and write down all the names of all the Captain and Lieutenants- excluding yourself and myself, of course- and all the things which have happened in the last week and see if you can figure out how to charge whom for what."

"… Well…" Nanao said, looking down at the list. "Suddenly I suppose it makes much more sense."

"Oh, Head Captain!" called Matsumoto seductively. "Seeing as you charged me before anyway, you aren't going to try it again, are you? I mean, certainly I'm not on the list."

"Yes, you are. You're one of the first ones I thought of." He looked at the guards. By this time, they had been relieved, and there were new guards to freshly confuse. "Bring in all the Captains."

"We don't technically have all of them-"

"All the ones we arrested, then."

The guards suddenly looked very, very scared. "What? All of them?" asked one, scared.

"Yes."

"But they're Captains, they'll kill us."

Yamamoto thought for a moment. "That is a high possibility," he admitted. "But, look at it this way…"

Both guards leant forward, curious.

"If you go and get them, there is a chance they might kill you."

The guards nodded, able to keep up with this leap of logic.

"But if you don't, I'm definitely going to kill you." Both guards leant backwards, depressed. "Now, do we have an understanding?"

"Yes, Head Captain."

They left the room. After a minute, they came back with two arguing people.

"Oh, god, did you have to bring them first?" asked Matsumoto as Ukitake's two third-seaters came into the room.

"They seemed to be the least threatening," explained one of the guards.

"Mainly because they're arguing with each other too much to be a threat."

"… And thus concludes the argument," Kiyome said victoriously. "I am the better person."

"Not if you think of better as a natural result of goodness in its T form at base growth level stage and minus the six."

"… None of that made any sense," Kiyome frowned at Sentaro.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who was thinking it," Urahara muttered.

"But I can make less sense!"

"No, you can't!"

While these two had started up, the guards had gone out and were just coming back in, wheeling in Ukitake, still his hospital bed.

"What happened to you?" asked the Head Captain with some surprise.

"Zanpakto," said Ukitake softly, conscious but exhausted.

"Someone attacked you."

Ukitake was silent for a long, long time. "No. Nobody attacked me."

"Captain Ukitake, we must investigate this-"

"No. The entire thing must be forgotten." Ukitake's eyes grew haunted. "I love them and they are still the most adorable things in his world, but some things should never be spoken of."

"Shiro-chan?" asked Histugaia from the corner.

Ukitake let out a high-pitched and girly scream while clutching his genitalia. "YOU MAY NOT HAVE MY MANHOOD!"

"I'm waaay more of a banana than you," Kiyome continued, she and Sentaro oblivious to their Captain's plight.

"You wish!"

"Just… Be quiet," said the Head Captain. "The three of you just shut. Up." He turned around, looked at the hole in the wall. "I was going to ask Captain Soifon to enter, but she seems to have-"

There came the sound of a cat hissing. Yamamoto turned to see Yoruichi clutching to the ceiling, her eyes as wide as dinner plates, as a young Soifon sat in the spot she'd just been in.

"Soifon loves Kitty. Kitty can run," said Soifon sweetly. "But **Kitty can't hide**."

"Weren't there a lot of children there before?" said Matsumoto curiously. "And, Urahara, why are you hiding-"

"_Sh_."

"I can see you, Hatman. **You can't hide either.**"

Urahara whimpered but stayed where he was.

"The mothers of the children heard they were here and have been collecting them all morning," explained Nanao. "Nobody noticed because there was too much else happening.

While they'd been talking, the guards came in escorting several other figures. Omaeda came in first. He saw Soifon and Yoruichi and, behind a fat, dull-looking face, made some very fast calculations. "Head Captain, can I make a comment?"

"Go ahead, Lieutenant."

"I haven't done anything."

"Neither do most of the people I arrest."

"But I'm as unimportant as… As… That mutant chipmunk!" The chipmunk is question squeaked and ran off to prepare for its next cameo.

"I want to try and kill at least one person from each Division. Soifon is a child, and Yoruichi is insane, so I would probably feel some long-suppressed feeling of remorse. That leaves you."

Behind him was Kira, Iba, Komamura and Hisage. Komamura took up Omeada's chant, but changed it for his own purposes.

"I'm half-animal," he pointed out. "I have no idea what's going on."

Yamamoto shook his head. "How is that even… You know what? I don't care. You can go."

"Why can he-"

"Because you're annoying and he's not, and letting him go will annoy you."

Komamura wisely said not a word and left through the giant hole in the wall. Kira, Iba, Hisage and Omeada took their seats. The next people were brought through.

Yamamoto blinked. "Captain Byakuya, why are you wearing a wig?"

"There is no wig."

"He doesn't like to talk about it," Rukia said. She blinked, looked at Nanao. "Is Nanao your Lieutenant now? I thought she was Shunsui's."

She said this just as they brought Shunsui in. "Yes, my pretty Nanao, don't say you have betrayed me! It would be a dagger to the heart!"

Nanao looked at him. "You do realise that I am half of your judge and jury? If you annoy me, Captain…"

Shunsui wisely stopped talking.

"No, no, Rukia had a point," Matsumoto chimed in. "I thought you had your own Lieutenant, Head Captain?"

"What? Oh, yes, Lieutenant Sasakibe. He comes and goes. I'm not really sure where he is right now…"

#

Over in a fishing pond somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Sasakibe cast another line and sighed. "I can't help but feeling that something big has happened in my week-long absence. But I'm perfectly happy right here. I'm sure it's not so important…"

#

"Never mind, nobody cares about him anyway."

"… I'll just go," said a small, injured voice from the hole in the wall everyone had long since been treating as a door. They turned to see Hanatarou begin to slink away. Behind him was…

"I didn't want you to bring the lot of them," said Yamamoto, very obviously not looking at the pony.

Hanatarou shrugged. "I don't think they wanted to be left behind."

"Don't go, he wasn't talking about you," Nemu said. She looked at Yamamoto. "Were you?"

Yamamoto was surprised. At that moment, there was something in the Lieutenant's eyes he hadn't seen before. Nemu was cold, and emotionless, or so he'd thought. But there was a glint of something protective there now.

"… No," he said truthfully, surprised into telling what he'd been talking about. "We were talking about my Lieutenant."

Hanatarou perked up. "Really? That makes me so much happier!"

Outside, all the pony-worshippers began swaying in a circle, holding hands, as the pony casually stepped inside, sniffing bits of the courtroom curiously as it munched on the bits of grass Nemu had been feeding it.

"Kenny!" cheered Yachiru, jumping off the pony and running to Zaraki.

He patted her solemnly on the head. "Child, may the drawers be with you."

"Kenny, didja se me? Didja, Kenny? Say you did! I rode the pony!"

"Indeed I saw the pony."

"Yay!"

"No, don't bring it in here!" shouted Yamamoto.

"Too late," commented Nemu as she saw a general softening.

"I like that pony," Sentaro began.

"I like it more."

"I like it most."

"You know what? You probably do."

"No, no, I'm sure we like it equally."

Kiyome sniffed. "Why are we always fighting? Why can't we just get along? WHY DON'T WE EVER THINK OF THE _CHILDREN_, SENTARO!"

"Let's start!" With that, the two of them hugged and began humming something.

"NO THEME TUNES IN THE COURTROOM!" shouted Yamamoto, desperately trying not to look at the pony.

"Pony!" cheered Yachiru and, rather more disturbingly, Zaraki, together.

"I wish I could ride it," Matsumoto sighed.

"Even now you sound like a-" Hitsugaia began shouting. With a pop, he turned back into an adult. He blinked, saw the pony. "Normally I'm not one for animals but that pony is really… Quite…"

Two sounds arose rapidly. There was a gentle rising of the theme song from 'My Little Pony.' Second of all, presumably because of said theme song, there was also the steady _thumpthumpthump_ of Head Captain Yamamoto hitting his head against the nearby wall.

"How does anyone here actually know that song?" he exclaimed as he did so. "Why is it that the tune is permanently ingrained into the heads of everyone who exists?"

By this time the only ones who hadn't looked were Yamamoto and Kira. "I'll stop this!" Kira exclaimed, taking out his Zanpakto. "I'll make you heavy so you can't move-"

"Are you calling the pony fat?" asked Matsumoto, offended.

"Bastard," said Omeada.

Kira caught sight of the pony and promptly burst into tears. "I'M SORRY, PONY!"

The pony seemed to forgive him.

Yamamoto was still, very carefully, not looking at the pony. "Someone still needs to get Mayuri back here. If anyone's going on trial, he's got to be there too." He caught sight of Hanatarou and thought quickly. "Lieutenant Yachiru, could you do me a favour?"

Yachiru perked up, bounced away from Zaraki and over to him. "It's Beardy. What do you want, Beardy?"

He blinked. "What…? No, never mind… Would you like sweets?"

She grinned, nodded.

"Would you deliver a message to Mayuri?"

He whispered the message, she went out and two minutes later Mayuri was standing with them, very pointedly not looking at the pony. "Is that true what the small pink one who breaks things said? There's a kind of Soul Reaper whose name everyone forgets? I don't believe it, but such a specimen…"

"Why?" asked Hanatarou. "Why would anyone care?"

"Is it you?"

"Yes. My name's Hanataoru Yamada."

Mayuri had a moment where his brain caught the words and then promptly let them go. "It's true, every word!" Then he caught sight of the pony. "Head Captain, why is that animal allowed in here… Although it is very pink and pretty…"

"Mayuri, I need to trial you, not to-" He looked around. "DAMN IT. DAMN YOU, PONY, AND YOUR… MANE… And hooves… Oh, look at them, they're adorable!"

"How do we stop them doing that?" wondered Nemu.

"Why would you want to?"

"Because we can't put everything back to normal just by ourselves."

"We can try."

"Don't you miss having things how they were before?"

"No."

"Don't you miss not almost dying every hour or so?" Nemu felt guilty on playing on Hanatarou's fears like this, but it was the only way to correct the situation.

"…Well, that was nice."

"Then we need to help them. I know my Captain has a machine somewhere that can undo all of this."

"All of it?"

"Yes," Nemu said, wondering why Hanatarou looked alarmed.

"Well, I don't want all of it gone."

"Why not?" she asked, honestly surprised.

"Because…" Hanatarou looked away. "It was only through this that I met you."

Nemu honestly had no idea what to say.

Then Matsumoto reached out and patted the pony. The second her fingers touched the soft threads, she blinked. "What… Just happened?"

Nemu looked at her. "Do you feel alright?"

"Well… Apart from the fact that I was gushing over a pony a second ago…"

"That's it!" Nemu clicked. "Physical contact negates the effects of the pony. Quick, Hanatarou, push everyone so they're touching it!"

Within the next ten minutes of the night, for that was what it had long-become, they positioned everyone in the room to touching the pony. This had the result of everyone being pressed in close proximity together, all uncomfortable, with no way to get out of it.

"So…" Began Shunsui, wishing he was pressed a little closer to Matsumoto.

But Urahara would have no small talk! The shop-owner had been bullied by a small child trying to force him into marriage, brain damaged, and a lot of other things it would just depress him to remember. And he had been thinking about this so-called pony…

"Mayuri," began Urahara very seriously. "You remember that thing that you said before?"

"What thing?" screeched the scientist.

"The thing that kept making everyone die?"

"Oh, that I was getting more action-" Everyone around him, Nemu and Hanatarou included, immediately dropped. The pony keeled over again. Mayuri sighed, went back to his laboratory, and ten minutes later everyone was awkwardly touching the pony again.

"For the love of god or ourselves or whatever we believe in," Yamamoto said in a soft, haunted voice. "Please, never say that again."

"What? That-"

"_**NO**_!"

The voice didn't come from any of the standing, crouching, or awkwardly reaching figures. It came from the pony. As they watched, the pony seemed to crumple away, revealing two grown men. Suddenly, everyone stepped back, and they didn't start immediately singing theme songs. The constant buzz of 'My Little Pony' that had been coming from outside stopped in a round of general confusion. Yoruichi started slightly.

"I feel… Like the world makes much more sense now…" She muttered, frowning to herself. She looked at the figures, did a double take. "What are Aizen and Gin doing here?"

"I knew it!" exclaimed Urahara in delight. Everyone looked at him. He realised the situation. He was depressed again. "Oh… I knew it."

Gin, with a terrified look on his normally smirking face, pointed at Mayuri. "You will never say that again! I don't care that I broke our disguises. Essential to our plan or not, I will kill you if I hear anything like that again."

"Calm yourself, Gin," Aizen said softly. He smiled in a gentle yet terrible way at everyone present. "Yes, it is Aizen and Gin. No doubt that you thought this chain of events was set in motion by the-"

"No," said Hitsugaia.

Matsumoto looked at him, smiled. "Toshiro, so nice to know you're adult again. Sort of."

Hitsugaia was staring at Aizen. "No way in hell did you organise this. I don't believe you."

"-Division Exchange Program," continued Aizen. "But, in reality, it was me. I started that off. I planted the idea, and watched it come to fruition."

"I agree with Hitsugaia," said Soifon. By this time she was an adult too. "No way would I stalk Yoruichi like a child fangirl."

Everyone shuffled and coughed for a moment.

"I believe him," muttered Zaraki darkly. "Only someone that manipulative could give me a drawer fetish."

"Don't even _say_ that," said several members of the crowd.

"It's almost as worse as Mayuri saying-" Urahara began.

"DON'T SAY IT!" screamed Gin, who quickly turned into a small twitching mess on the ground. Aizen looked at him for a moment before Gin straightened, looking his normal creepy self.

"Yes, we planned it all," he chimed in.

Just then, they heard a small, surprised, "oh." They all looked at Nemu.

"What?" asked Hanatarou gently.

"Nothing. I just remembered…" She shrugged. "It was my birthday today. Or… Since it just turned midnight, yesterday. I'd completely forgotten."

"Why are you even telling us that?" asked Zaraki, confused.

"Be quiet, Lieutenant," Mayuri screeched. "You're being completely irrelevant!"

"Nobody cares about the birthday of a robot!" exclaimed Yamamoto.

"As I was saying, yes," Aizen nodded solemnly. "I engineered the entire thing for the sole purpose of causing chaos and anarchy-"

"Stop."

Most people, in order to stop someone proud and powerful and likely to kill them, would yell. They would make a big show of strength and try to out-psyche the opponent. This was what the people in the Seireitei, what the people given powers by the Soul Reapers, would do. It was all about strength and the will to fight with it. But the person who had just spoken had no strength. He was not worried. He didn't need to be. There was something in the word that stopped everyone in the room from speaking, or panicking quietly, or trying to slink out unnoticed.

Hanatarou had seen Nemu's face when Zaraki, Mayuri and Yamamoto had spoken. She was subtle, was Nemu, but he could see her pain. He saw that, in the gleam of her eyes and in a tremble around her lips, she'd wanted her birthday to be remembered by someone, or cared about by someone. _Anyone_. Nemu was a good fighter. She was smart, brave, bold, better at almost everything than Hanatarou. Probably better at everything than him, actually. On top of that, she was nice and kind. He was never afraid that Nemu would beat him up. Even if she did he'd accept it because, if she was going to, chances are he'd done something to deserve it. And she remembered his name.

Remembered. His. Name.

Despite all that, he was the only one that seemed to appreciate her.

Hanatarou was on very little sleep. He was about a hundred and thirty percent sure that half of what he was seeing were hallucinations, unless the walls were playing bingo with African monkeys wearing space suits. He'd been beaten up many a time, probably resulting in brain damage. He had been through a lot, and kept trying to take it, kept succeeding, because there was a little bit of him hiding away in the corner of his mind, trying not to listen to anything around him because it knew that there needed to be something to hold Hanatarou back. Hanatarou was a healer, and a healer for a reason. It was because, if he ever stopped being a healer, there would be a monster unleashed upon the world more great and more terrible than any that had been before. This monster would listen to no logic, only protect those it loved. Much like Ichigo, only Ichigo was like a small, broken-off part of this monster which had learned to resist its inner urges.

The part of Hanatarou's mind that was keeping it sane sat up, alert, when it saw Nemu turn away. It narrowed its eyes when it saw a small tear slip down Nemu's cheek, just before she managed to hide it. And it spoke up, using Hanatarou's voice.

"You made her cry."

Everyone in the room took a step back, not knowing why. Aizen blinked, confused. "Why did I do that? He's nothing."

Hanatarou looked at him. Aizen took another step back.

The part of his mind which had been the one small thread between the monster and Hanatarou grinned, held out its arms and screamed, "hey, madness? **They made her cry.**"

Hanatarou snapped.


	19. Day Seven: Why Hanatarou Was A Healer

**Author's Note:**

**Welcome, one and all, to the final day of Division Exchange Program. This is just a quick, friendly warning: you know all the crazy, insane, random stuff that's been happening to everyone so far?**

**You ain't seen nothing yet. **

**Peace and Love to all my loyal (or casual, either or) readers,**

**-Angela **

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Day Seven**

**Chapter 19**

Why Hanatarou Was a Healer

Renji snorted, woke up. He was an early riser, so this didn't surprise him. But it felt particularly early, sometime in the early morning, maybe four or even three am. Something had jolted him awake. He sat up, looked around. He, Ichigo and Uryu had been shut up in the same jail cell for a whole day. None of them were particularly happy about this, but they'd managed not to kill each other. They were a team, after all, despite everything that had been happening lately. Especially in the last week or so.

Ichigo was sleeping still. Uryu, however, was standing near the bars, looking out. "Uryu?" asked Renji, frowning. "What's going on?"

Uryu turned, frowning too. "I don't know. I keep hearing sounds of massive destruction."

"Sounds of massive-?" began Renji, confused. Just then, there was a huge crash that came from somewhere in the near distance. "Ah."

Ichigo snorted, a lot like Renji had done, woke up, blinking blearily. "We're still in jail? Damn it, where the hell is Rukia and everyone? I saved her from execution, the least she can do is get me out of jail." There was another crash. Ichigo seemed to wake up a bit. "Okay, am I going crazy, or did anyone else hear that?"

"You already did that, remember?" Renji reminded Ichigo, smirking slightly.

"Trying not to. But, seriously, what was that?" Another crash. "And that?"

"Someone is destroying the place," Uryu said quietly.

"I got that, but why?" Ichigo remembered that not everyone could destroy buildings. "And how? I mean, Zaraki wouldn't start pulling the whole building down to find and fight me."

They gave him a sceptical look.

"He would punch through the walls, but he wouldn't tear the whole building down. It'd take too much time and effort."

They conceded that was probably true. "Who else would do this?"

"Byakuya hates me enough," shrugged Ichigo. "But he'd just threaten the guards until they let him in. Or just kill them if they didn't and come after me anyway."

"Not everything evolves around you," Uryu pointed out.

"Well, who hates either of you enough? Unless you turned on Shunsui _that_ much, Uryu."

Uryu twitched. "Don't even say that."

"Say what? That you turned on Shunsui?"

"I will kill you while you're sleeping."

They heard screaming coming from down the hallway. They watched as several rough-looking Soul Reapers ran by, still screaming.

"Hey," Renji shouted.

"Can't stop, the monster will get us," one yelled. They kept screaming as they ran out of sight. The three men paused, looking at each other.

"Monster?" asked Ichigo. "Maybe a Hollo?"

"I doubt it," frowned Renji. "That wouldn't freak them out this much. This is something different."

"Oh, look Chad! It's Ichigo, Uryu and Renji!" said a familiarly sweet but undeniably ditzy voice. "Hi, guys! What's been happening?"

The three of them turned as two figures came down the hallway, one of them smiling, the other looking stoic if slightly traumatised. "Orihime, Chad!" exclaimed Ichigo. "Can you guys get us out of here?"

"We don't have a key," shrugged Orihime. "But, it's okay, the monster guy will help you out!"

"Monster?" asked Uryu. "Tell us about him. Is he dangerous?"

"Yes," Chad said, looking slightly haunted.

"Yeah!" Orihime exclaimed, almost happily. "But he's also really nice."

"Actually… That's sort of true," nodded Chad. "He's a genuinely nice person. Who happens to be destroying the building."

"…How does that even work?"

"Well, if you've done anything to offend that girl who everyone thinks is a robot ever, then you're pretty much dead," Orihime explained as they heard another crash. "But if you haven't, he lets you go."

"…You mean Lieutenant Nemu?" asked Uryu cautiously.

"Yeah that's her!"

"… Do you think fighting her would be offensive?" asked Uryu with equal caution.

"Hm, probably."

Uryu got very depressed very quickly.

"That's… Actually kind of nice," Ichigo said, surprised. "But who is this?"

"Do you remember that guy who I think fought with you before? And stopped you dying? And stuff?"

Ichigo frowned and tried very hard. After a moment he gave up. "This is all ringing a bell, but it's not connecting."

"He has droopy eyes and dark hair and is a doctor person," Orihime continued.

"I think I might… Vaguely… Remember him." Ichigo frowned. "Sort of."

"Well, it's him."

"But, it can't be!" protested Ichigo. "That guy was a total push-over. He couldn't fight a small child. Hell, he couldn't fight a wall!"

There was another crash, this one sounding a lot closer. "He seems to be doing fine now," Renji pointed out.

"It's okay, he'll let you out, as long as you haven't done anything to offend his girlfriend." Orihime blinked at Uryu. "Hey, Uryu, are you alright? You look slightly green."

"Fine," replied Uryu. "I mean, he can't be that disturbing…"

He drew off as he saw a figure approaching. This figure was… Not intimidating in the least. In fact, he seemed small and weak. But there was something about him that gave a sense of, if not confidence, some kind of assurance that everything would be okay, that the universe would all work itself out. As they watched, Hanatarou Yamada walked down the hallway, emerging from a small cloud of dust that had popped up with the latest crash. Beside him was a very worried-looking Nemu.

"Hello," he said calmly to the five watching people. His eyes, very slightly deranged with one lid being lower than the other, moved to the three inside the cell. "Oh, dear, it looks like the three of you are in some trouble. I can get you out, if you want."

"Uh…" Ichigo said. "Sure."

None of them were quite sure what happened next. One moment they were in the cell, the next they were in the night air. It wasn't them that had moved. The building had come down around them. There were piles of rubble everywhere. Not only that, but the man was dusting down his hands.

"Um…" Began Ichigo in a much higher voice than he had ever used before, even as a woman. He cleared his throat. "What just… happened?"

The man smiled. Only one side of his face decided to cooperate. Then the other seemed to realise it was meant to do something and joined in. "I set you free."

"Thanks, uh…" Ichigo blanked. He'd known the man's name a second ago.

"Hanatarou Yamada," replied Hanatarou, still smiling. The smile had a very dangerous quality. "Seat Seven of Division Four. If you forget that, I will use your entrails as a skipping rope." He paused. "Hahaha."

"Ha," replied Ichigo, slightly scared.

"Now, Nemu," Hanatarou said, turning to her. "Be honest, please; have any of these people ever hurt or offended you in any way, shape or form? Including implications?"

Nemu had been looking partially in shock. In that moment, she looked a mixture of flattered and panicked. Her eyes cast over them, went back to Hanatarou. "Well, I don't, that is-" She took a breath. "No, they haven't."

"Even the one that's hiding behind everyone else?"

Uryu had thought they hadn't been able to see him. He calmly stepped out. "I wasn't hiding. I had just… Dropped my contact lenses."

"But you're wearing glasses."

"I have very poor vision."

"It's you!" exclaimed Nemu, surprised. Without thinking, she continued. "You were the one who-"

At Uryu's look of dread she stopped. Hanatarou smiled at her, very sweetly. "Yes, Nemu? Did he do something to you?"

"…No," Nemu said faintly. "Not at all. In fact, he bought me flowers."

"What?" asked Uryu. "I mean yes. Flowers."

Hanatarou paused for a moment, and then wilted. "Oh. I see how it is. Well, I suppose I couldn't be that lucky."

"Flowers, Uryu?" asked Orihime obliviously. "I didn't know you like Nemu!"

"Oh, I do, she's lovely," Uryu said in a monotone.

"But I thought she and Hanatarou were going out."

"Oh, no," Hanatarou said bashfully. "That is I would… I mean, if the Lieutenant wanted to I would… But, you know, if you like him, Nemu, then I won't… I mean, I respect your feelings enough…"

"Oh, no, we're just friends," said Nemu hurriedly, blushing a little herself.

"Yeah. Friends," chimed in Uryu, not believing what he was saying.

Hanatarou perked up immediately. "Really? I mean… That's cool. So did you want to… You know… __?"

Nemu blinked, shocked. "You want to go out… With _me_? I thought you were just being nice."

"Well, if you don't want to, I mean I can understand-"

"No, of course I will!" Nemu said, genuinely happy. "I would love to go out with you!"

"Really?" asked Hanatarou with cautious disbelief.

"Yes," Nemu smiled.

"Great!" said Hanatarou. "Right after I finish **destroying anything and everyone who ever hurt or offended you in any way, including implications of offense or hurt**." With that, he walked off, followed by Nemu.

"…I don't know what to say to that," Ichigo said in a small voice.

"I think it's cute!" said Orihime.

"Of course you do."

#

Aizen wasn't quite sure what was going on. When he was used his powers of Complete Hypnosis to coerce Centre 46 into starting the Division Exchange Program, he knew it would be an interesting week. But what he hadn't counted on was Yoruichi's establishing of the Green movement or whatever they were calling themselves now, Mayuri's interference in regards to the different chemicals that had done different things around the place, and a whole lot of other pointless events and purposeless twists that made no sense whatsoever. Aizen liked being in control. In fact, it was his very favourite state to be in. So the fact that he was not in control, was the complete opposite, actually, was very disconcerting. Not only that, but he wasn't sure how it got to this state.

He and Gin had been consuming the sense of reality of those around him, via Complete Hypnosis, because that was how he did everything these days. Gin had in fact asked how he managed it, but Aizen hadn't told him, partially because the mystery was part of what kept Gin on his side and partly because he didn't actually know himself. It worked, that was that.

After that, he had been taken into the heart of the Seireitei, into the court room, and then something strange had happened with Mayuri, something which he couldn't quite remember. It was like his mind had been so horrified it had just shut down. And his mind had seen and done some horrible things, so it must have been pretty damn bad. Whatever it was, Gin had remembered enough of it to be seriously disturbed, far more disturbed than he'd ever seen him, so Aizen wasn't curious to risk mental damage by trying to remember.

Then… Then it got confusing. He had been talking to everyone, doing his whole "I PLANNED THIS" speech, which was always a fun one, with everyone's expressions of impending doom and their horror when they realised just how much they'd been played with. Then there had been something to do with Mayuri's robot/daughter, and the servant who Aizen was sure he had seen around somewhere but couldn't remember spoke up. It was like they _had_ to do what he said. The very tone of his voice seemed to warn that strange, horrible things would happen if one didn't. Not only strange, horrible things, because by all reports strange, horrible things had been happening with increasing regularity in the Seireitei for not only its entire existence, but especially in the last few days. But something in his voice seemed to suggest that these strange, horrible things would fade in comparison to what the speaker would do to you if crossed.

It was morning now. During the night, the Captains and Lieutenants had all constructed a wall between them and the thing which was causing all the havoc outside. They had been able to do this because of the fact that what had once been the courtroom of the Seireitei had now because a pile of rubble. In fact, the entire building was gone. This would have been a more immediate problem due to the criminals that had been waiting for their trials now being free, if not for the fact that they were all probably going to die if they left the barricade, constructed of the materials which had once made the courtroom.

"So, what's the plan?" asked Matsumoto. "Come on, someone must have one!"

There was a general silence before the adult Hitsugaia stepped in. Metaphorically, because to move would be to disturb the huddled mass of Seireitei leaders, leading to someone, maybe even him, getting very dead very quickly. "Lieutenant, I was a child hours ago-"

"Hours ago?" Matsumoto smirked.

He glared at her. "I was a younger child hours ago, and I still see the futility of planning anything right now. We need to wait until we have proper resources to plan with."

"We have most of the Captains and Lieutenants of the Seireitei on our side," pointed out Byakuya. "I'm sure we have enough firepower-"

"As well as some very lovely ladies," Shunsui intruded, smiling at his Lieutenant, as well as Matsumoto.

"Focus, pervert," snapped Nanao, hitting him.

"This is ridiculous!" exclaimed Zaraki.

"I agree," said a very tired and very exasperated Yamamoto.

"Why are we all hiding from one small Division Four member! He's a complete pansy."

"Yeah, Kenny, go out and fight him!" exclaimed Yachiru.

For once, Zaraki hesitated before going into a fight. Everyone watched him. He realised that he was procrastinating a fight and shook his head. "What am I doing? Of course I'll fight him! He's not even out there right now. I'll fight him, then come get all of you." Fighting all his survival instincts, Zaraki leapt with false eagerness over the barricade.

"Hello," said a voice which made them all shudder.

"He wasn't there a second ago," pointed out Yoruichi, a lot saner than she had been a few hours ago but a lot more afraid.

"I know," Soifon hissed. "I'm supposed to be the most silent person here…"

"Come here and fight like a man!" shouted Zaraki with a lot more enthusiasm than he felt.

"You said a disparaging comment about Nemu's birthday."

"Yeah? And what are you going to do-?"

Suddenly, the sounds stopped. There was nothing for a few minutes, no sounds of fighting, no talking. All the Captains and Lieutenants frowned. Ten seconds later, there was a crash and a tinkling of bells as Captain Zaraki was thrown back over the barricade almost exactly where he had been before.

Zaraki groaned. He was covered in bruises, his bells had all been stuffed in his mouth and he was twitching oddly.

"I think that puts an end to that plan," said Kira, looking at him.

Yachiru went over to him in concern. After a moment she smiled. "Kenny is alright. He'll be up in no time!" She took out a pen and began drawing on his face, singing to herself gently.

After a moment the guilty voice of Ukitake said the thought they were all thinking. "I think we might have broken Hanatarou."

#

Unohana was walking about the Division Four building with growing concern. First and foremost was the lack of trust she was sensing from her members. It was hurtful, and although she knew why it was there, she could only hope that by proving she was really herself again, she could earn back her previous status as the trusted Captain. Second, there was the unusual amount of drunk people in the hospital. She could have sworn someone had been trying to use alcohol as an anaesthetic again, although she had personally put an end to that practise years ago due to substance abuse problems. Third, there was an unusual amount of people who were twitching and traumatised, seemingly more injured by whatever they'd been through than the actual physical injuries they'd obtained. Most of them were muttering things like, "I'm sorry I offended the amazing angel, I'm sorry I offended the amazing angel" or "healers are monsters. Healers are monsters. _Healers are monsters_."

Isane emerged from her room, shivering slightly after a particularly disturbing nightmare involving custard. She went, got herself a cup of tea and drank it, wondering why it tasted very slightly of pain. Then she remembered everything. She remembered just as a tired Unohana entered the tea room.

"Oh. Good morning Isane. More nightmares involving food?"

"Yes, but, that's not –I mean – do you have any idea what's happening?"

"What happened yesterday, Isane, was that someone tried to arrest the both of u, but then, late last night, two someones escorted us back here and bid us goodnight."

"I remember… One of them was Lieutenant Nemu, I know that," frowned the Lieutenant as she thought. "But the other… I just can't remember his name… Or face… I'm sure there was another person there. Positive of it in fact."

"I hate it when that happens," said a pelican with the body of an ostrich that walked through the room. Both women watched it pass through without saying a word.

"And there's that too," Unohana mused, her voice slightly strained. "But what's strange is-"

Isane let out a small, traumatised laugh. "Captain… A talking ostrich-pelican just walked through the room and spoke. "What isn't strange here? As a matter of fact, what hasn't been strange for the last week?"

"Yes, but I particularly so… All the patients have been going on about how although they know they were beaten up by someone in the name of the 'angel' and that this person was a member of our own squadron, they can't remember his name or face…"

The Captain trailed off. Both woman had a moment where they realised. "No. It can't be. Not him. He's a pushover. I think."

"Who else could it be?"

"Captain Unohana," said Isane gently, not wanting to sound like she was preaching to her Captain, but trying to make her point. "The man, from the very little I remember, is completely useless. He's one of those people who you feel sorry for and therefore don't want to get rid of, but they don't actually provide any use. At all. He's just… There. Or was. Until we gave him away."

"And do you remember what happened when we did?" Unohana reminded her with equal gentleness but with a push in her voice that made the Lieutenant sit up and listen. "People everywhere began complaining that nothing was getting done. That everything was falling apart. What if he's one of those exceptional individuals who make everything around them… Work? And, do you remember when we treated him?"

"We did what now?"

"He was a Zanpakto."

"That was him?"

"I thought you realised this."

"…Who are we talking about again?"

Unohana sighed. "The point is that I think he fulfilled a much greater role than we thought he did, and now he's cracked. If I'm perfectly honest, Isane, I am a little worried."

"Captain, he's there with all the major Captains and Lieutenants of the Seireitei. I'm sure they'll be fine."

"He broke us out, remember?"

"…Can we just agree that I remember nothing of this man? What does he look .like again?"

Unohana opened her mouth. She paused. Isane waited. She closed her mouth, thought for a moment. "I'm sure he's blonde."

"Really?"

"Yes. Positive."

"Actually, my hair is a dark brown, commonly mistaken for black."

The two women froze. Slowly, they turned around. There was a figure sitting in the tea room who hadn't been sitting there before. He looked like death warmed up, chewed on for a while, spat out, thrown in the garbage, taken out and dusted off and served cold. Both woman watched as he blinked twice in the silence. The first time, both eyelids went at different speeds. The second, they went down at the same time, but then the other sort of stayed like it really couldn't be bothered doing anything. Then it seemed to remember what was happening and that it was contractually obliged to blink when the brain told it to blink. It flickered for a moment and then snapped up unusually wide, so it looked like the person was staring at them with a small grin that could be described as that of a serial killer.

"…Yes," Unohana said, then realised she should probably say something. "…Hello… You. Nice to see you again. You're looking…"

Suddenly, there was one less wall in the room. A moment ago it was there. Then it just wasn't, and the tea room looked straight onto the hallway, where a much-abused stork was walking slowly back to its room, using a crutch.

"Go away!" it yelled. "I quit! You can have babies the normal way!" It hobbled back to its bedroom.

"Oh, look, the wall's gone," the figure said cheerfully. "Hahaha."

"Ha," said Isane.

"Didn't need that did you?"

"Of course not," said Unohana, smiling.

"Walls are obsolete anyway. Only good for writing my name on. Speaking of which, here, I just manhandled an old press company that used to do gossip strips about the captains into making these for me."

With that, he handed both women small business cards. On them was written the following:

Hanatarou Yamada. DO NOT FORGET IT.

"I'll remember," said Unohana, smiling.

"Please do," said Hanatarou. "Hahaha."

"Haha," said both women. Hanatarou vanished. They shared a look that said, "I don't know who that was, I can't remember his name, and nor am I ever going to admit that aloud in case it makes him come back."

"I think we need to investigate this further," said Unohana, a thread of steel in her voice. "Something strange is happening in the Seireitei and it's about time sometime took a closer look and tried to fix things."

#

"Hey, um, can someone please tell me what's happening?" asked a cheerfully innocent voice. "Chad, Uryu and Ichigo would ask but they all seem a little scared right now."

"Is that Orihime?" muttered Yoruichi in a whisper.

"Get down here, before you draw its attention!" exclaimed Nanao, waving them over. A moment later the four joined the Captains and Lieutenant.

"Hi everyone!" Orihime stated, cheerful. "Where's Nemu? I wanted to congratulate her on her strip act."

There was a long moment of silence.

"…What?" said Mayuri.

Orihime would have explained, but she couldn't seem to overcome the obstacle of both Ichigo and Uryu clamping a hand over her mouth.

"Nothing," they both grunted, not wanting to relive anything that may or may not have occurred in the last week or so.

"Why are all of you hiding behind here?" asked Ichigo.

There was an awkward shuffling for a moment. "Well," began Yamamoto. "When that… Person."

"Monster."

"Demon."

"Fiend."

He cleared his throat. "When he destroyed the building, he was going to destroy this part too, but he stopped when he saw that it, very vaguely, seemed to resemble the Lieutenant he seems to have taken a liking to."

"…It really doesn't," said Ichigo.

"Don't tell him that," said Yoruichi, a haunted look coming across her face. There was a muttered agreement. "That's the only thing keeping us all safe right now."

"Don't get me wrong, I saw him destroy a building and everything," began Ichigo. "But he really can't be that-"

He was interrupted by the ten hands which slapped across his mouth. Feeling a slight concussion from it, as a few had missed, he blinked and said, "what was that for?"

"Don't tempt fate!" exclaimed both Ukitake's third-seaters.

"What, but-"

Ukitake himself tapped Ichigo on the shoulder, pointed to something he hadn't seen yet. Ichigo's eyes widened as he realised it was Zaraki.

"But… that's Zaraki… And the guy is…" Ichigo shook his head. "Something needs to be done about this."

"Well, I don't see you coming up with anything!" exclaimed Aizen.

Ichigo looked at him. "Does someone want to explain to me what DA FRIG he is doing here?"

Aizen looked at him for a moment, and then fell back into familiarly smug lines. "I planned the Division Exchange Program-"

"Like hell you did," Ichigo said immediately.

"Stop saying that, we all know you're lying!" Hitsugaia said immediately. The two of them shared a moment of mutual appreciation.

"That's what I want you to believe."

"Well, how about this," Ichigo said. "If you planned this, plan a way out of this! How about that, huh?"

Aizen was silent for a moment. Then his eyes settled on Urahara. A small smile played about his mouth.

"Whatever you're thinking, no," said Urahara instantly.

"If it will get us all out of this situation," said Soifon, a determined look on her face.

Urahara looked at her and shuddered. "At least you're not trying to make me marry Yoruichi now."

"…What?" exclaimed Soifon. "I would never do such a thing! You're not nearly good enough for her!"

"…Thanks?" frowned Urahara.

"I will fix this mess you have all gotten yourselves into," Aizen said. Gin, not sure what was happening but perfectly happy to follow someone who seemed to, smiled. A moment later, Urahara sat up straight.

"MY MINIONS! I HAVE RETURNED!" he shouted, standing up straight and throwing his arms out.

"What did you do to him?" frowned Yoruichi. "Actually, no, as long as it doesn't get me killed I don't care."

"BRING IT ON, WORLD, I, THE HAT OF URAHARA, HAVE BEEN GATHERING HIS POWERS AND MENTAL CAPABILITIES FOR YEARS! Now I am ready to TAKE ON THE WORLD!"

"Please be quiet," said a well-mannered but by-now familiar voice which sent a shudder of horror down the backs of everyone who was hiding. "You're disturbing Nemu. The angel must not be aggravated. She is too perfect."

"NOBODY TELLS THE MIGHTY HAT TO-"

There was a sound. Urahara fell and began twitching.

"Nemu, I hope I'm not bothering you by being so admiring?" said Hanatarou, suddenly shy.

"No, erm, not at all," said Nemu, who sounded like she honestly wasn't sure whether to be happy or worried. "Do you think he's alright?"

"…My everything," wheezed Urahara.

"I'm sure it'll be fine."

With that, the two vanished.

"How does he keep coming and going as fast as that?" muttered Soifon. "Only I should be able to do that, and I'm not even up to that today."

"I think you broke Urahara," Ichigo told Aizen.

"Well, do you have a better idea?"

"You're the one with all the plans! I just rescue people! Come up with something better."

So Aizen thought.

#

Unohana and Isane stepped out of their Division with some trepidation. "Captain, we need to take care," Isane said, frowning. "I don't trust this situation."

"No. Neither do I…" Unohana trailed off, frowning. "Lieutenant? Do you feel as if though… No, never mind. It's nothing."

"Be careful, there's a… squirrel?"

A mutant chipmunk looked up at her with disgust. It wore a monocle and a top hat. "I, madam, am certainly not one of those inferior beings."

"…Sorry," said Isane.

"Hmpf," the chipmunk said before walking off.

"…Like a sir," Isane mumbled, frowning slightly.

"I, of course, don't protest animals finding their freedom," Unohana said, watching Sir Mutant Chipmunk walk off. "But perhaps the first thing we should deal with is making sure they are all in their correct places."

"What? Back in Mayuri's lab?"

"No, I couldn't make anyone return to a place like that," Unohana said immediately, stopping and tapping Isane on the shoulder. She pointed down, Isane nodded, and they went around the hole that Isane had almost fallen into. "But I feel that we must do something to restore them to environments more suitable for them than the Seireitei."

Isane tripped, would have fallen into a hole if not for the quick intervention of Unohana, who quickly pulled her back. "And we have to do something about these pits."

Unohana had an idea.

#

"Well, the mighty hat didn't work," mused Aizen, thinking.

"Erg," agreed Urahara, saddened by the fact he kept being beaten up. As you would be.

"…But weren't you three a leprechaun, an elf and an ogre?" Aizen asked Jinta, Ururu and Tessai.

"…Apparently," said Tessai.

"What's your point?" snapped Jinta. "How do you even know that?"

"Complete hypnosis. It's also how I'm doing this." Aizen smiled. The three stood up straight.

"Erm, shouldn't we not be doing this?" suggested Hitsugaia. "I mean those two are just children."

"Children are evil, horrible beings who all deserve horrible, horrible fates," hissed Matsumoto with more venom than a passing mutant tiger snake with a mouse's head.

The passing mutant tiger snake with a mouse's head paused and gave her a look. "What's your problem?" Shaking its head, it continued onwards.

"Calm down, Lieutenant," Hitsugaia said, slightly concerned.

"Can I ask a question?" said Orihime, the only one watching the three.

"No," said everybody.

"…Aw," said Orihime sadly.

Ichigo sighed. "Yes, Orihime?"

"Why is Jinta dancing like a leprechaun, Ururu floating around like a fairy and Tessai grunting?"

"I'm an elf!" replied Ururu, even more high-pitched than before.

"…How is this supposed to do anything helpful? At all?" asked Uryu, confused.

"Hello," said a calm voice which made everyone shiver.

"No, seriously, how does he do that?" Soifon hissed, frowning.

"What are you all doing?" asked the voice.

"I'm a… a leprechaun," said Jinta. The fear seemed to be piercing through Aizen's abilities.

"I'm an… an elf," said Ururu, floating a little more anxiously.

Tessai grunted because ogres don't talk.

"Hanatarou, they're only children," Nemu said gently. She didn't think he was going to do anything, but better safe than sorry.

Hanatarou blushed. "You're pretty when you say my name."

"…Thankyou."

"Sorry, that was creepy wasn't it! I mean, you're pretty all the time." Hanatarou shuffled a bit.

"Grow…balls," grunted Zaraki, who had been steadily recovering. A large rock was suddenly pressing him into the ground. A few soul reapers began getting the rock off him. This seemed the break Aizen's power.

"You know what?" said Jinta, looking at Hanatarou. "No. I'm not going to challenge you AT ALL. I'm just going to go hide behind that rock. And so is Ururu."

Hanatarou looked at Tessai. Tessai shook his head, went and hid behind the rock. "Oh… Alright," said Hanatarou before disappearing with Nemu again.

"Did your powers fail or something?" Yamamoto, who had been keeping quiet, asked Aizen. "The hold over them was broken."

"That's a part of my plan!" Aizen said, smiling menacingly.

"…You just gave up, didn't you?"

"My great plan."

"…Yeah, alright."


	20. A Cure?

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its fictional characters or locations.

**The Division Exchange Program**

Chapter Twenty

A Cure?

Unohana and Isane had been discussing a solution to the problem of the mutant creatures rushing about the Seireitei. They had also been discussing the problems of the holes, and creative ways to fix both problems at once. They could just fill in all the holes, but the dirt seemed to have disappeared, so that would be too difficult. Instead, they had come up with an idea that could only work with the assistance of one severely mental unstable man whose name nobody could remember.

Unohana cleared her throat and tried to think for a moment. "I require the assistance of… Ha… Hana…"

The universe seemed to give her a doubtful look, as if to say, "really? You really want to try this?" It promptly made her forget every syllable of the name she was searching for. But then something happened. It was like everything shuddered for just a moment. In the blink of an eye, there were two words scrawled over every wall Unohana and Isane could see. Hanatarou Yamada was written everywhere, and the Captain and Lieutenant suddenly had a chilling suspicion that the words were written not only on every wall they could see, but on every wall every in the Seireitei.

"I'm assuming you were trying to find my name, that is, Hanatarou Yamada," said a pleasant voice suddenly. The two turned around. Nemu shrugged at them; she really didn't know what was going on any more, had stopped being worried long ago because the only people Hanatarou hurt were people she didn't like. She was discovering that it was a little bit nice having someone to stick up for her. And Hanatarou was being very nice to her, as well. So she really just didn't care anymore what happened. "But I like you both a lot: you _try_ to remember my name. Not many people do. So I won't even threaten you. Because I would never fight either of you. So instead I'll write my name everywhere so you'll remember." Hanatarou's eyes gleamed a little. "_Everywhere_."

"…Yes," said Isane.

"Hanatarou," Unohana read out. The word felt odd in her mouth. "We have a small request that will help improve the Seireitei."

Hanatarou blinked. He was a little confused. He looked at Nemu. "Do we like the Seireitei?"

She looked at him. She looked at Unohana. They were the ones who fixed the people her Captain destroyed, and a little part of her had always wished she could be a part of that Division for just a day. So she nodded, said to Hanatarou, "yes, we do."

"Okay, I'll help!" Hanatarou said enthusiastically.

Unohana and Isane explained to him what they wanted. Frighteningly soon after, the entire problem was fixed. All the animals were regulated to enclosures in the holes, with varying environmental states imposed on all of them. There were also several of the previously damaged patients who Hanatarou had somehow cured and now worked as care-takers, as well as many of the Gangsta-Greens something or other (neither woman could remember what they'd been called) who now worked as tour guides. The animals seemed happy, as did the people. Hanatarou and Nemu had disappeared. Unohana and Isane looked at each other, a little confused but happy.

"Well…" Isane said. "I suppose that worked."

#

Ikkaku and Aesegawa had escaped the madness. They weren't certain whether to be proud of this or not. Because, they hadn't run away, but if they had, then that was a sign of cowardice. And they weren't cowards. But, if they had simply performed a tactical retreat for latter combat, then that was alright. As Aesegawa finished saying, "…so it's not really running away at all, we're going to come back and teach them all."

Ikkaku was quite happy with this explanation as it meant that not only was he not a coward, but he wouldn't have to face that… thing that had once been the pansy. Because although Ikkaku was never afraid to fight, something about this man, or whatever he was made shivers run down Ikkaku's spine. He was opening his mouth, about to agree with Aesegawa when a calm voice said, "teach them all _what_?"

Slowly, both fighters turned around. The man in front of them looked very different from the last time they had seen him. He still had the many bruises and dark circles under his eyes, the signs of both hard work and hard beatings. But there was something in his posture that seemed to say, "yeah, it's been hard… BUT POTATOES TO IT I'M CRAZY ANYWAY NYANYANYANYANYAAAA!"

"…Urgh… Hi," said Ikkaku, feeling that one of them needed to say something. For the first time since the madness had erupted the man before him was without Mayuri's robot daughter.

"Hello," said Hanatarou, still with that odd smile. "You just pulled me away from something very important."

"…" said Aesegawa. He felt the importance of apologising, but every part of him that would normally be gearing for a fight and felt disgruntled that it couldn't now stopped him.

This resistance seemed to trigger something in the man's mind. The paths that would allow him to recognise people sighed and allowed the sparks to pass through them, annoyed they were being made to work while the rest of the brain was allowed to do whatever it wanted. It tickled the suppressed resentment, memories of beatings and abuse. The man, or thing, or whatever he had now become was still and silent.

"…Hello?" asked Ikkaku, frowning in confusion. He was annoyed about feeling this –not fear, certainly, but something- about a man who was half his size and a healer. So he ignored every instinct he had. Aesegawa opened his mouth to warn him but the same sense of not wanting to be afraid gripped him and he closed it. Ikkaku stepped up to the man. Not even his eyes moved. He reached out to poke him.

Aesegawa wasn't sure what happened next. There was a shout that sounded like, "YOU'RE BALD!" and Ikkaku had plunged face-first into a building.

"AND AS FOR YOU, YOU PONY, WHO LIKES SEVEN NOW!" Aesegawa was aware of pain, everywhere. He extracted himself from the wall, Ikkaku doing the same. They looked at each other, bleary with shock.

"…Does the wall seem to have writing on it to you?" asked Ikkaku.

"Yes, but I forgot what it said."

Then both collapsed.

#

"Oh, this is getting ridiculous," said Yoruichi, shaking her head.

"I agree," said Soifon.

"Of course you do."

Soifon looked threatening. "Who said that?"

Nobody said a word. Urahara looked innocent. "My point is," Yoruichi said, irritated as she turned to Yamamoto. "You're the Head Captain. Shouldn't you be doing something?"

Everyone turned to Yamamoto. He blinked, twitched his lips so his moustache shifted. "Yes, I am. And yes, I should." They waited. "But if you can think of a single thing to do, then tell me so I can do it."

"Just go out there and tell him to stop. He might listen to you."

Yamamoto paused. He didn't want to. He really didn't want to. But the cat-lady had a point. He was Head Captain and it was his duty to act in situations like this. So he stood up, stepped out from the rock they'd all been hiding behind and cleared his throat. A second later, someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hello," said the crazy thing pleasantly. "You said something bad about Nemu's birthday."

"How did you-" Yamamoto didn't continue the sentence as it felt like his lungs had been exchanged with nothing, as he was thrown back over the rock crevice they were hiding behind.

"…Well, that failed," said Yoruichi.

Soifon peeked out and muttered angrily, "how does he keep _doing _that?"

#

The people left in Division Eleven weren't entirely sure what was going on. Crazy things had been happening… Somehow some magician from another word had scribbled spells on all the walls, things enchanted to be forgotten soon as they were heard. Their Captains and everyone who was in charge had disappeared. Nobody knew what was going on. And when there was a situation like this, everyone in the Division of Doom had been told exactly what to do, the exact actions they must take in order to best represent their Division.

They had seized everything that could be used as a weapon and were causing a riot. They smashed buildings, tried to fight people, but to odd thing was that people were so confused, so very unsure and scared, that the fact that someone seemed to know what to do was a comfort, even if they were just rioting. So people were joining them. For once, Division Eleven were the good guys, or close enough, and it felt good. Of course, every now and again they would erupt in fighting between themselves but that was alright. They were too busy rioting to care.

#

"What is going on?" exclaimed Isane as she and Unohana rushed about the barracks. They were getting a sudden influx of people. With everything the place had done in the last week, with everything falling apart, they just couldn't take this sudden burst of injuries.

"Look onto the streets," said Unohana. Isane gave her a worried look. Unohana seemed very quiet, but not in a scared way. She was more contemplative than ever her Lieutenant had seen her. Isane did as she asked and looked out onto the streets from the window of the room where three patients were being treated for broken bones. She gasped. The worst nightmare of everyone in Division Four had come true. Division Eleven had taken to the streets, and people were joining them.

"Captain!" exclaimed Isane.

"I know," Unohana said, not quite gently but not quite sharply. "We can't let this continue. Something must be done to oppose them before they destroy everything we have worked so carefully to build."

"But… Unless we get an opposing force…" Isane fell silent. Unohana was looking at her with a trace of sadness. "That's what you intend to do?"

"We have no choice."

Isane was quiet for a moment. But Unohana was correct. The rioters had to be stopped before they wreaked any more damage. "But where can we get someone? All of our healers are occupied-"

A glint came into Unohana's eye. "I know exactly who to go to."

"You can't mean…" Isane fell silent as Unohana's eye dropped around the room. It skimmed the walls, then latched on something the universe didn't want her to see.

Fighting all natural instinct, she said, "Ha-na-ta-rou Ya-ma-da."

There was a moment where everything seemed slightly more fragile, like everything could topple if it was pushed a certain way. Then someone was standing beside them, and Isane had no idea how they'd gotten there. "You said my name." The man seemed touched. Unohana wasn't smiling.

"I have a very important job for you," she said.

"Oh, I don't know, I'm a little busy…"

"Those people out there are a threat to Nemu."

Hanatarou snapped upright. "What?"

"You need to amass everyone you can to oppose them so they don't hurt her."

The man was gone. Both women looked out of the window. Suddenly, when there had been nothing before, there was now an army opposing Division Eleven. All the mutant creatures and their care-takers and guides had been brought together and were engaging with their enemy. And the man was nowhere in sight.

Isane sent a look towards Unohana. Unohana was looking down at the war with a very slight tinge of horror. "What have I done?"

"I don't know…" Isane said honestly, knowing she needed to be there for her Captain right now but not knowing how to help her.

A glint of determination came into Unohana's eye. "No, I will not give up. This all began with one man, and if he is cured this can be fixed as well. I am going into my laboratory."

Isane gaped. The last time Unohana went into her lab, they cured several diseases in both the Seireitei and human world, so much so that not only did nobody have them, nobody ever remembered the diseases existing, and everyone who had died of the diseases were rewritten into history.

As Unohana stood, Isane felt confidant that, soon, everything would be fixed. Soon, everything would be back to normal.

#

"Does someone want to tell me when exactly a war began around us?" asked Matsumoto. "I mean, I don't know if nobody else noticed-"

"You mean how you don't notice any paperwork I give you?" asked Hitsugaia coldly.

"You're _still_ sore about that?" the red-head exclaimed. "You do realise there are more important things to worry about, right?"

"You mean about how you tried to sell me to people so they could take pictures of me while I was in costume, while I was unconscious?"

"I never did that!" exclaimed Matsumoto, offended. "No no no, _I_ just hired you out."

"…You do realise how many different kinds of fired you are, yes?"

"Again, war. We have a few other things to worry about here."

Aizen clicked his fingers. "I have an idea." Everyone looked at him expectantly. He smiled and pointed at Gin, who was just smiling because that was what he did whether he was happy, sad, angry, confused, or had no idea what the frick was going on. "You."

"Yes?" asked Gin.

"You can fight him."

Gin paused. Still smiling he said, "wh-what?" Gin didn't know what happened next. One moment he was safe, the next he was out in the open, fighting going on al around him between Soul Reapers, other Soul Reapers and a few odd-shaped animals. There was also a thing looking at him, the thing that had once been a man before life had broken him.

"…I'm sorry, could you tell me what just happened?" asked Gin politely.

"You just came out and said Nemu was mean and awful," Hanatarou said politely. He was smiling. Gin was used to creepy smiles. He saw one in the mirror every day. But this made chills run down his back.

"Oh, did I?" said Gin. He looked back at Aizen. "Did I _really_?" Aizen kept smiling, but there was an element of a shrug in it. He looked at the rest of the captains. He looked at Hanatarou. He looked at Mayuri. He shuddered. "You know what? I give up. I am sick of this Complete Hypnosis rubbish and I am sick of being killed by the very suggestion of a certain someone doing certain things I really don't want to think of."

"What? You mean me getting-" began Mayuri.

"DON'T SAY IT!"

Everyone around Gin took a step back, wincing as the screech passed through them. There were mutters all around like, "what's his problem?" and "guy needs to chill." Then the fighting resumed.

The thing came up to Gin, put a hand on his shoulder, looked into his eyes and said, "you need to calm down."

Gin gaped at him for a moment, threw up his hands and said, "I give up! I'm changing allegiances. I'm on your team now."

"…What?" said Aizen.

"He said he's on my team now," reiterated the crazy thing. "Yay… Team."

Aizen smiled slightly and then used his Complete Hypnosis. Nothing happened. His smile faltered. He looked at Hanatarou. "How are you…"

"Nothing makes sense, so why should this?" shrugged what had once been a man. "Anyone else who wants to survive, feel free to come onto my team too."

In a split second, the only people left behind the rock formation were Yamamoto, the still-unconscious Zaraki, Yachiru who was humming as she drew flowers and fight scenes on him, Aizen, Mayuri and Ichigo with his friends. Orihime stood to go see what was happening but Chad gently brought her back down.

"Urahara!" snapped Ichigo.

"Sorry, survival of the fittest," shrugged the man.

"I'm firing all of you!" exclaimed Yamamoto.

"We quit!" shouted all of them.

Aizen looked around him. "So you people are my only allies?"

"…We're in trouble," said Ichigo.

#

Hanatarou had been working hard. He'd been literally everywhere several times over, had probably fought most of the Seireitei by now and decided that now it was time for a little break.

He had thought it was all a bit much for Nemu, so he had found her a pretty little cottage and asked her if she would like to stay there. He walked up the driveway, noticing some flowers on the sidewalk. Roses, or something like them. He spent a few minutes picking a few and making a bunch for her before continuing up to the house. He knocked on the door, wiped his palms on his trousers. He was still a little nervous when he did things like this, unsure of how she would take it.

Nemu opened the door, looking beautiful. He had found her a wardrobe of women's clothes, completely unlike anything she usually wore. She wasn't wearing a dress, but instead women's pants and a shirt with flowers on it.

"You look pretty," Hanatarou blurted out. He held out the flowers. "These are for you. If you want them."

Nemu smiled, laughed a little. She was getting used to Hanatarou by now, and even… Well, nobody ever treated her like this. She knew Hanatarou was going way over the top, but nobody ever was as kind or pleasant to her as he was being at that moment. "Thankyou very much, Hanatarou… But normally flower bunches aren't the size of a person."

Hanatarou blinked. "They're not?"

"No, but it's a very pretty flower bunch… Just… put it by that tree over there so I can admire it from the window. Then come inside."

Hanatarou did. They were just sitting down for tea and some birthday cake Hanatarou had made for her when someone landed in the front yard, squashing the flowers.

"Oh, dear," said Nemu, looking at Hanatarou, who had gone very still.

The words he said next were quiet and contained, but they seemed to reverbrate in the bones of every person in the Seireitei.

"Those were for Nemu. **_Bankai_**."

#

"…But, he doesn't have a Bankai!" Ichigo exclaimed.

"The fact that every building over one story high in the Seireitei was just levelled to the ground would say otherwise," said Yamamoto, annoyed that now every big building had just been destroyed, leaving only houses. "And where did that statue come from?"

Randomly, there seemed to have appeared a statue of someone. Roses twisted around it prettily.

"That's… Nemu," Mayuri said, frowning. "I don't understand, what has she done to gain this much of the creature's affection!"

"I don't like it," muttered Soifon from where she stood next to Gin.

"That's because it doesn't look like Yoruichi," he said.

"Shut up."

#

Captain Unohana emerged from her laboratory. She had heard something a few minutes before but wasn't quite sure what it had been. She had felt a reerbration, the echo of something that had sounded like, "bankai" but surely a bankai that powerful didn't exist… That is, she thought that until she emerged upon the scene of destruction that had once been the Seireitei.

All the buildings over one story tall had been levelled. Everything was enveloped in a cloud of dust that was only just beginning to settle. The war that had been going on while she was preparing a cure had halted, people were looking around, confused, coughing in the clouds of buildings, looking around.

Unohana felt a sinking feeling as she looked around. Things had to change, and they had to change now. Then she heard something which sounded like waves. She frowned.

#

"What's that sound?" screeched Mayuri, angry and confused. He knew his lab had been destroyed in the crazy thing's Bankai. He knew this because there had been a small, multi-coloured explosion where his lab normally was. He was certain this had been done on purpose. Now there was the sound of rushing water coming from far away.

"Water!" cheered Yachiru, drawing a swimming pool on Zaraki's nose. His face was now a multicoloured mess of fairies and blood splatters.

"You have water in the Seireitei?" Ichigo said, surprised. Everyone gave him a look. "No, I mean… You have bodies of water in the Seireitei? It sounds like a… a…" Ichigo had never been involved in a tsunami, but he knew enough about them to feel a rush of adrenaline. "Tsunami!"

"Don't be ridiculous, I don't think we even have an ocean in the…" Mayuri trailed off as he stared at something on the horizon. "Is that… That can't be… This is impossible… FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMETHING HAS TO MAKE SENSE HERE!"

"It's on the other side to!" exclaimed Ichigo.

"It's coming from everywhere," Aizen said, hopelessly confused. "I don't even… I'm seriously considering using Complete Hypnosis on myself jut so I can forget everything that's happening around me."

"But you can't have a tsunami from all sides," Uryu frowned.

"We don't have an ocean!" Yamamoto reinforced. "We shouldn't be having a tsunami at all!"

"Oh no, a tsunami!" Orihime said. "We have to all get to high ground and stay there."

Everyone looked at Orihime. Chad said, "did you just…" He turned to the others. "Did she just…"

"Orihime," began Uryu. "Did you make sense?"

"Well… Isn't that what you're supposed to do when there's a tsunami?" she asked, wondering why everyone, Aizen included, was giving her a shocked look.

"Now _she's_ being logical!" Mayuri yelled, irritated. "No, this isn't fair, the world isn't supposed to work like this and I don't like it. DO YOU HEAR ME! I DON'T LIKE IT!"

Yachiru patted Mayuri on the leg. "Don't worry, Kenny will sort it all out once he's finished being an artwork."

Mayuri died a little inside, sat down and began to sulk.

#

At the appearance of a tsunami, one would expect for there to be some change in the actions of the people who were about to be struck by it. Fear, maybe, or at least a general sense of urgency as people wanted to find a way out. Companionship even, maybe people trying to help each other, although Unohana admitted, to herself, she might have been being a little optimistic by saying that, considering everything that's happened.

What actually happened was that people looked at the tsunami, shrugged and then kept fighting. Either that or stopped to film it on their video phones. Unohana had heard of them but wasn't sure where they'd got them; unless Urahara was running his illegal trading ring again… Every few years he would start it and stop it depending on how much attention the Seireitei was paying to it. All their attention had been focused on everything other than what he did.

But Unohana couldn't allow herself to be distracted by any of that today. She had a mission. She had finished an antidote for Hanatarou. It was the strongest medication she could whip up, and she still wasn't entirely certain if it would be enough. It was a concoction of every medicine designed to balance the mental state, all carefully measured so that it should be the correct dosage that would stabilise Hanatarou. Then they could get onto fixing the rest of the problems of the Seireitei. Isane was occupied back at Division Four, trying to cope with the amount of patients they were receiving, although oddly it wasn't as much as before. Now everyone was fighting one another, there were less injuries. It made no sense but neither did anything else that had happened in the last week, so Unohana let it slip.

She was walking up a hill to a small house, a cute little cottage which had somehow appeared on it. Hanatarou had probably built it, Unohana assumed. She wanted to talk to both Hanatarou and Nemu, or she would have just called his name and he would have come to her. She knocked on the door and a few minutes later Nemu answered. Unohana was shocked in the change in her. She was wearing casual clothes, looking happy, although this flickered when she saw it wasn't Hanatarou. She almost looked as if she wasn't a robot. As if she had emotions of her own.

"Captain Unohana," said Nemu, surprise filtering into her voice. "Is anything wrong?"

There was a brief pause when a mutant chipmunk drove by in a tiny red sports car.

"Is there anything I can help with?" amended Nemu.

"Yes, actually." Unohana paused. "May I come in?"

"Please, do."

Unohana smiled her thanks and entered the house. It was warm and cosy, everything done up so it was the perfect little living space for a small family. Nemu showed her to the living room and they both sat down.

"Captain, what is it?" asked Nemu gently. Unohana took another moment to observe her. She just looked healthier, happier. Someone recognised she was a person, and that seemed to bring out the humanity in her.

"I have something serious to discuss with you," began the Captain. "You know of…" Her mind went blank.

"Hanatarou?" asked Nemu.

Unohana was impressed. She blinked and said, "yes, and his… for lack of a better word, illness?"

"Yes, I do," Nemu frowned slightly, wondering how she could possibly not know of it, considering just minutes ago it had rendered the entire Seireitei a one-story place and seemed to have caused a tsunami.

"I've created something which might cure it."

The world around them seemed to halt for just a moment. There was silence from outside. Neither Soul Reaper moved. Then Nemu said, very softly, "a cure?"

"Yes. I believe it has a good chance of balancing his mind and rendering him back to normal."

"So why haven't you given it to him yet?"

"Because I'm not going to make him take it, and I want him to understand the implications of this choice. The only one who seems to make sense to him right now is you, so I want you to explain to him the choice he has to make." Unohana paused. "Not only that, but you must realise that if he goes back to normal, it would affect you as well."

Nemu was smiling, and there was something brittle about it. "You're saying that his feeling for me might only be a product of his insanity."

"I'm not saying that it's definitely true, but it may have had an input. It may be that he truly-"

"It's alright," Nemu said, retreating into herself. Suddenly, Unohana had the familiar feeling that she wasn't talking to something sentient, which was what she usually felt when speaking to Mayuri's, for lack of a better word, daughter. "I came to this conclusion a while ago, that he was only enamoured of me because, well, I'm the only one who treats him like he's a person instead of a doormat."

"That's not true."

Both Soul Reapers turned as he came into the room. Unohana felt a rush of compassion as she saw how worn he was. But there was still that fevered, unbalanced energy which gripped him, like a zombie enchanted to walk. Hanatarou sat near Nemu, gently taking her hand. "It's not because I'm not… right in the head right now that I'm doing this. Nor is it because you're the only one nice to me. It's because you're… Honestly, Nemu, I don't think you realise just how amazing and beautiful a person you actually are."

"Hanatarou," Nemu said softly. "You are…" She exhaled, roses blooming in her cheeks, and suddenly she was a person again to Unohana. "There aren't enough words for me to describe you. But… do you understand the choice you have to make now? If you take this medicine, you could be reverted back to normal. There could be nothing."

"But you also have to consider," Unohana interrupted, drawing their attention. "The amount of damage you've caused."

"I can't… I just don't care about any of that right now. But I know what Nemu wants, and it isn't just a crazy obsession from someone you only met a week ago, is it?" Hanatarou asked her.

"It's been lovely," Nemu said hurriedly. "But I want… I want more. I know this is much more and better than anything I've had with anyone before, but right now I just feel like this isn't real."

Hanatarou nodded. "I promise, Nemu, that when I'm me again, when I'm better, I'll show you I still care. I'll make you a real bouquet, alright?"

"Alright," Nemu said, smiling.

Hanatarou looked at Unohana. "I'm ready to take my medicine, Captain Unohana."

She nodded solemnly, taking out three pills. "You need to swallow these in quick succession. Have some water ready. All I can say is that I just hope this will work."

Hanatarou waited for Nemu to get him a glass of water. She handed him the glass. He too it from her, his fingers touching hers for a moment. He downed the three pills in quick succession.

They waited.


	21. Mayuri Gets Some

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**Author's Note:**

**Welcome to the very last Division Exchange Program. And, quite possibly, the last fanfiction that I will regularly update. That's right, I'm going to try my hand at actual writing and see how that goes, leaving fanfiction alone except for maybe the occassional Great Expectations or the like. Thankyou everyone for your support through the, what, years by this point? Anyway, thankyou for reading and I really hope you enjoyed at least some parts of it. **

**If you're interested in any other writing I do, I'm going to more regularly update my Twitter (look up Angela Donlan) in regards to professional stuff. If you care, follow me. If not, thanks for readings this anyway. **

**Peace and love to all of you, even those randoms who leave hate comments, like "you're no funny" or whatever. :) **

**In fact, to those, your FACE isn't funny! **

**Yeah, how'd you like them apples! :P**

**Signing off, enjoy the read,**

**-Angela**

**The Division Exchange Program**

**Chapter Twenty One**

Mayuri Gets Some - *Dies*

The sun was setting over the Seireitei. You could see the evidence of destruction everywhere, the buildings that had been levelled, two words scribbled over the stones over and over and over again, the people who were still fighting, those who had given up and gone to have a drink with some friendly mutant horse with a rabbit's tail.

Over by a rock which looked, very slightly, if you squinted and turned your head sideways and hopped up and down while hyperventilating, or if you were just plain crazy enough to see it, like a woman's face, there were some people. Zaraki and his Lieutenant were there. Yachiru was quite happily redoing Zaraki's hair, as half of his bells had come undone when he'd been knocked out. Zaraki was sulking, annoyed that he'd been knocked out by someone less than half his size and who had been a healer. Yamamoto and Aizen had gotten bored enough, and bonded enough over hiding from an insane destructive machine, that they were having a friendly chat about the nature of ruling such a big population.

"Do you ever find that people just annoy you by coming to you with stupid problems?" asked Aizen.

"Yes, all the time. Like, my neighbour stole my chicken, or my sister's given her powers to a human and now she's in jail can you please get her out."

"Oh, yeah, I think that last one may have been my fault… But mine are always something like, my neighbour ate my child, or, the Soul Reapers are too powerful."

"Ah, well, we are quite strong. But, the point is, I just wish people would just solve their own problems."

"Absolutely," agreed Aizen. "It's like they don't realise I have entire universes to take over."

"Well, I can't say I'd go that far, but god damnit sometimes I just want to kill the lot of them."

"Yeah… Bit harsh for me, but I can see where you're coming from."

"No, Orihime," said Ichigo. "You can't eat rocks."

"But with a little simmering-"

"They're rocks," said Chad. "You can't digest them."

"He's right, I'm afraid," Uryu chipped in. They'd been having similar conversations like this all day.

"Oh, look, that cloud looks like a pony!"

Aizen shuddered. "Please don't say anything about those… creatures. I was trapped inside one for days."

"I was inside a pony once," Mayuri mused, bored. There was a general thump. Mayuri sighed and revived everyone.

"Why?" asked Uryu, with traumatised eyes. "Why do you keep saying things like that? Do you just not care about how damaging hearing that is?"

"I MEANT THAT I OPERATED ON ONE!"

There was a general, "oooooooh."

"You need to clarify these things," scolded Yamamoto.

"Kenny, my brain hurts," Yachiru said.

"It's okay, Yachiru, so does mine," Kenny said, patting her on the head.

"By the way," said Mayuri calmly. "How far off is the tsunami?"

"It's getting here… Slowly," replied Ichigo. "I think it looked closer because it's just that big."

There was a moment of silence. "We're all going to die," said Aizen calmly.

"Yep," said everyone.

"Well… Damn."

Suddenly, there was a shout. "MAY I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION?"

The words were polite, but there was the unmistakable edge of 'if you don't listen NOW I will kill you so hard you won't just be dead in this life, you'll be dead in every life you have from now on, ever.' They all stood up and turned, almost as if they were compelled to by something beyond their control. Everyone else in the immediate vicinity did the same, all of them turning to a small hill on top of which there was a small, pretty cottage with all of them swore hadn't been there a day ago. On top of this house stood a man. Or rather, not a man, but a thing. A machine of destruction.

It was He Whose Name They Could Not Remember.

"I would like to remind everyone of a very special something which is happening today," said the thing. It was strange, he wasn't shouting but his voice carried to everyone. "A very special someone was born on this day, however many years ago she was born. You all know this by now, but there is one thing that hasn't happened yet that should." He paused, grinned, and one side of his face just couldn't really be bothered in joining in with it. "We haven't sung Nemu Happy Birthday yet!"

There came a general groan from the Seireitei. Hanatarou's smile didn't flicker. "Anyone who doesn't join in with the Happy Birthday will be immediately destroyed. And I mean so immediately that ten minutes ago you'll be at the bottom of the sea. And I don't even think we have a sea, so I'll have made one for you. Or maybe we do, because we have a tsunami so we need to have a sea… Either way you'll be dead if you don't sing it." Hanatarou smiled pleasantly at the Seireitei. The Seireitei gave his a half-doubtful, half-scared look. "Ready?"

There was a general mumbling in reply.

"**I said are you ready?**"

"Yes!" shouted the Seireitei in reply.

"Happy Birthday to you!" began Hanatarou. Everyone joined in. Aizen tried to sing quietly but then he would have sworn Hanatarou looked straight at him; he could feel the craziness boring into him through the distance, so he sang louder.

"Happy birthday to you!" Over in the nearest pub half the Captains and Lieutenants had gone to have a much-needed drink. Matsumoto smothered Histugaia in her assets while she sang. Hitsugaia tried not to die. Rukia, sitting next to Byakuya and Renji, sang along as tunelessly as her brother. Renji wondered what other artistic abilities they completely lacked.

"Happy birth-day dear Nemu!" Ikkaku and Aesegawa twitched from where they were still mostly unconscious, still singing along.

"Happy birthday to you!" Mayuri suddenly realised why it felt so odd to be doing this; it was because he had never sung Happy Birthday in… As long as he could remember. And it had never been sung to him either. He never got invited to birthdays and never threw a party for himself because he knew nobody would come. Then again, he hated everyone, so he didn't really mind.

"Hip-hip, hooray, hip-hip, hooray!" cheered everyone before bursting into applause. The applause went for a long, long time. Finally, it was just Hanatarou clapping enthusiastically on top of the house. "Well done everyone!" He cheered. "Nobody dies today!"

There was an uncertain cheer as he disappeared.

#

Unohana and Nemu had gone for a walk with Hanatarou, waiting for the medicine to kick in. Then he had disappeared. "If it was going to work, it would have kicked in by now," the Captain said, voicing the fears of both women. "The medicine didn't work."

"I know this is selfish of me, but I honestly don't know if I'm happy or sad about this." Nemu paused, thinking. "Is there anything else we can try?"

"If we had counsellors, and I thought it would help, I'd send him to one of those, but I just don't think it would work at this point."

Nemu nodded. She changed the subject by saying, "someone should probably do something about the tsunami."

"But nobody will, because everyone is insane here!" exclaimed a voice from a nearby rock. Mayuri jumped out from behind it. More gradually emerged Yamamoto, Aizen, Zaraki, Yachiru, Ichigo, Uryu, Chad and Orihime.

"Oh, hello Captain," said Nemu, surprised. "I thought you'd be in your lab, trying to fix it all."

"Have you _seen_ my lab?" asked a very depressed Mayuri.

"Not recently, why?"

Mayuri was silent for a long, long moment. "Because it… I'm just going to build a new one. The old one is dead to me."

"But Captain!" exclaimed Nemu. "All the work you've put into it!"

"Dead to me, Lieutenant," Mayuri said, looking straight at her. "Dead. To. Me."

"Well… If you're sure. But what about all your machines, the time machine, the reality-inverting-"

"Reality inverting!" exclaimed Unohana. "Captain Mayuri, do you mean after I detected the issues you could cause with that machine, you still went ahead and built it?"

"What's happening?" frowned Ichigo.

"She knew the problems it'd cause, told him not to build it and he still did," explained Uryu.

"Ah."

"Yes, and so what? None of it matters anyway, it didn't work."

Unohana felt a stirring of something deep inside her. She very, very rarely got angry. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she did get angry. But, she felt it now.

"Do you mean that not only did you defy my orders by building it, you also _used _it?" she asked, growing quieter but not softer. Mayuri hesitated. He'd never seen Unohana like this, but whatever she could do was no worse than what the crazy man could, surely.

"Yes, but nothing happened."

"Seriously, Captain Unohana, calm down," said Zaraki, just feeling annoyed and petty and wanting to irritate someone. Everyone looked at him, but for two different reasons. The first and most obvious was that it was Captain Zaraki telling Captain Unohana to calm down. This was like an elephant telling a mouse to stop being big. But one person had a different reason. Unohana looked at Zaraki and felt her rage grow.

"You," she began, her eyes narrowing dangerously. "Have the gall to tell me to calm down?" she asked.

Zaraki blinked, shocked by what he was seeing. "Are you… Angry?" he asked incredulously.

"Do you know who's fault most of this is? Yours. Because I gave you one of my healers, who turned out to be one of the most helpful people in the entire place, and you did nothing but abuse and ridicule him and make him clean up for you until he cracked."

"Well, yeah, but isn't that what you do with…" Zaraki trailed off. He could almost feel the rage coming from Unohana like a wave of throbbing red fury.

"_No_," she answered sharply. "That isn't what you do with Division Four members. And do you know why? It's because there's a reason we're healers. It's because I find the people who I see potential in. I find the people who have the most power. I see what none of you can, that not everyone who's strong and powerful decides to fight. Do you have any idea how much power it takes to heal someone? As much as it takes to go into Bankai. That's right. _Every single one_ of my healers are as powerful as you. But I keep that secret, I tell nobody because I know how you people would react, by fighting them to try and test yourselves and that would only end in bloodshed. SO instead I let them grow stronger by helping people. But if I decided to, if I got angry enough, if I revealed to my healers just how powerful they actually are, not only could they defeat your entire squadron, they could take over the Seireitei."

While Unohana was talking, the tsunami was getting closer and closer, louder and louder, until finally Unohana looked at it and said,

"_**I AM TALKING**_."

The resulting wave of power was so strong that it beamed over the entire Seireitei, it put back together every single one of the buildings that had been reduced, it healed everyone who had been harmed, it beat back the tsunami and forced it back onto the ocean that wasn't supposed to exist, and then scared the ocean into dissolving.

There was a long moment of complete silence. Unohana, once again calm and regretful of having lost her temper said, "I just thought you should know how things stand."

Zaraki said nothing.

"Captain Unohana," said Yamamoto seriously. She looked at him. Hurriedly, he said, "I just want to let you know I'm never going to kill anyone from your squadron even if I really want to."

"Thankyou," she said politely.

Suddenly, _he_ was standing there.

"Captain," he started. "I heard you shout. Are you alright? Would you like me to hurt anyone for you? You are my Captain, despite everything."

"No, thankyou. In fact, I wanted to apologise to you."

Hanatarou blinked, surprised. "What? Why?"

"Because I sent you on this Exchange Program. I should have refused to do it."

"Actually, I made you with my Complete Hypnosis," Aizen interrupted. They looked at him. "And I didn't realise how much trouble I would cause. To be honest I don't really care. But for the sake of my own safety I'll say this… I'm so… I'm… Sor- so-" Aizen paused, cleared his throat.

"You're sorry?" asked Nemu.

"Yes, that," said Aizen, feeling slightly queasy over saying it.

"Oh, well, might as well jump on this bandwagon," grumbled Yamamoto. "I'm sorry for passing the Division Exchange Program. I was one of its most avid advocates. And I apologise."

Something odd was happening. It was like, as people apologised for the hurt they caused Hanatarou and the entire Seireitei, things were changing around them. People had stopped fighting, but now they looked at the ones that had previously been their opponents. They began talking, apologising. Soul Reapers talked with Soul Reaper, with mutant. Soon everyone was hugging and laughing.

Ichigo looked around, frowning. "What the…" He looked at Hanatarou. For the first time since Ichigo had arrived, Hanatarou was smiling. And it wasn't the insane smile of before. It was the smile of a man who was very tired, but also very happy.

Nemu leant near Hanatarou. "Thankyou for making this the best birthday I've ever had. Nobody's ever done this much for me. Even if it was a little crazy."

"Any time," Hanatarou replied. He paused. Nemu could see he had something more to say.

"Hanatarou?"

Hearing his name seemed to make Hanatarou braver. "I know this is crazy, but, and not now, I mean, sometime in the future, not even near future, it can be years and years away, do you, um-"

"Just spit it out," grunted Zaraki, his form of encouragement. Even he was feeling nice.

"DO YOU MAYBE WANT TO MARRY ME?"

Nemu blinked. "What?"

"No, I forbid it!" Mayuri screeched.

"Kinda soon," Ichigo said as he awkwardly patted Hanatarou on the shoulder. "You've got to wait before asking that kind of thing."

"Yeah, even I wouldn't get married that soon after meeting someone," Orihime said, smiling sympathetically at Hanatarou, certain he'd just ended the relationship he'd just started.

"Yes."

Everyone looked at Nemu.

"What?" said Hanatarou.

"_What_?" said everyone.

"_WHAT_?" said Mayuri.

"You're one of the few people who have ever treated me like a person, and the only one who's ever been nice to me. Yes."

"But… But…" said Mayuri, for once speechless. "Who will help me?"

"I still will," Nemu said hurriedly.

"But you'll pay her," Hanatarou affirmed.

"Oh, will I now?" screeched Mayuri.

Hanatarou gave him a look. Mayuri stopped talking. Hanatarou clicked his fingers. Suddenly, the entire Seireitei was in formal. Nemu wore a white gown that was simple but elegant, and Hanatarou wore a suit. His hair was neat and, while he still looked exhausted, everyone in the immediate vicinity was startled at how different he looked. He looked… good. Like a respected man in the Seireitei. Nemu, startled and struck, stood still as he took her arm. He clicked his fingers. Suddenly, everyone lined the aisle that hadn't been there a moment ago. There was an orchestra behind them and a priest at the front who shushed Mayuri as he began to mutter vehemently under his breath.

As the wedding tune started, Hanatarou and Nemu walked down the aisle. Nobody was quite sure what was going on. But everything was pretty so they just smiled and went with it. The couple went down the aisle, stood in front of the priest. He mumbled at them for a bit. While he was doing this, Hanatarou said to Nemu, "you're so beautiful. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, then you'd realise. But then you'd know you're too good for me."

"I feel the same way," she whispered. The priest shushed them and continued.

"If there is any objection to this marriage-"

"I OBJECT!" shouted Mayuri suddenly.

"Nobody asked for your opinion," Hanatarou said coldly.

Mayuri brushed off the icicles that had appeared on his nose and continued. "No!" he screeched. "No, no, no, no, no, no, NO. I am sick and tired of being so damn... Normal. Everyone else is crazy and I'm the only sane one here and I DON'T LKE IT! Things aren't supposed to be like this!"

"I'm not allowed to kill him, am I?" Hanatarou asked Nemu carefully.

"No," she said.

Hanatarou was disappointed.

"I give you people drugs and mutant creatures and all sorts of crazy things, and what do I end up with!" raged Mayuri. "A wedding! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? YOU'RE ALL COMPLETELY INSANE."

Hanatarou conjured up a kettle from somewhere. It said, "hello pot. You're black." The kettle disappeared.

"It's funny cause it's true," snickered Ichigo.

"SHUT UP! All of you, just SHUT UP. I mean, at first it was great, I was getting more action than I'd been getting in-"

**THUMP**.

"… And now the entire Seireitei is dead. I _meant_ just in interesting subjects… Oh, never mind," Mayuri frowned, annoyed that he hadn't been able to complete his rant. He paused, looked around, thought for a moment. "No, this works perfectly." Grumbling, he began heading back to his much-reduced laboratory. "Stupid wedding… Seireitei… Chipmunk…" He entered his lab, ignored the destruction and went to a machine. It was a time travel machine. He put it on the strongest setting. There was a button that would exclude his lab from the effects, meaning he would remember what happened, but he turned this off glumly. He just wanted to forget everything.

He let it build up for a minute, then turned it on, letting it take the Seireitei back in time.

#

Aizen was, for lack of a better word, off his face. He had found some good-quality sake, and that was hard to find where he lived. He and Gin were both laughing, but not in the normal way. They were having a menacing laugh-off. So far Gin had gotten ahead of Aizen on sheer creepiness, but Aizen's laughter had more weight to it, so Gin conceded the battle.

"You know what we should do?" said Aizen, coming up with a brilliant idea.

"What? Tell me, oh Superman-like leader?"

"Who's Superman? Never mind, I don't care…" Aizen cleared his throat and tried to stand up straight. "We should take one of the healer people, right? You following?"

"Division Four healer people, yeah, gotcha." Gin fell over.

"And, like, swap them for one of the fighty people."

"Yeah!" Gin said from where he lay on the ground. "And say it's to help improve relations or whatever."

But then Aizen, drunk as he was, got a chill down his spine. It said, 'don't do it, for the LOVE OF GOD don't, bad things will happen.' He had a sudden sense of déjàvu. Like he had made this decision before, and it had led to bad things happening.

"Actually, no, let's just kill something instead," he said.

Gin cheered.

#

Mayuri was looking at his time travel machine curiously. It was doing something odd… Like it had been used. But he had set it so that he would remember if he used it, so obviously that couldn't be it.

"Captain?" said his Lieutenant softly.

"What?"

"I have the medicine to deliver now."

"Good. Do it."

Nemu nodded and left.

Mayuri shrugged and went back to normalising all the mutant creatures he had. He'd gotten a sudden urge to make them normal and then release them all. For some reason the thought of having mutant creatures had begun to gives him chills.

He sighed and went back to un-mutantising a chipmunk.

#

Hanatarou was in Division Four, bandaging someone's arm.

"It should be alright in a few days," he told the Soul Reaper. They were trying to teach him to heal himself again after he had an illness, but it was taking a few days.

"Thanks," said the Soul Reaper. "What was your name again?"

"Hanatarou Yamada," he replied.

"Thanks Mr Yamada."

As the man walked away, Hanatarou stared after him in gleeful surprise. Then he shook himself. Why had be been so happy someone had remembered his name? Nobody forgot names that easily. He shook his head as he walked out. He had a delivery to make.

#

Liza had a crazy idea, and she had come up to the inner Seireitei to share it. She was waiting to meet with Unohana. It wasn't going to come to anything, but she still wanted to try it out. She was allowed in by the Lieutenant, a woman with silver hair who nodded at her politely. She sat down opposite the Captain, feeling awed. She'd heard stories about Unohana.

"I want to talk to you about the idea of getting counsellors-"

"You're hired." Unohana had no idea what prompted her to say it, but she'd never heard such a good idea in her life.

#

Hanatarou stood outside the Soul Reaper art museum, staring at it in shock. It had burned down in a freak fire accident overnight. Seireitei buildings were meant to be fire-resistant, but in truth, nobody but Captain Byakuya and his sister were mourning the loss. They were already talking about the possibility of building a new one in their Division as they walked through the ruins. As Hanatarou observed the destruction he noticed someone walking near him. It was a female Soul Reaper he'd seen around but had never talked to. She was reserved, so much so that she seemed slightly robotic, but she was humming something, she hadn't noticed this. It was 'happy birthday.'

Hanatarou had no idea what prompted him to say, "someone's birthday today?"

She didn't even start, just looked at him with blank eyes There was a flicker in her eyes, like she recognised him from somewhere. She shouldn't have engaged with the man, but instead of leaving she said, "yes, mine in a week."

"Oh. Well, happy birthday for them." He didn't see the surprise in her eyes, instead glancing about. "Um, so, I suppose it's a pity the art museum is gone."

"Do you think so?"

He looked at her. "Does anyone think so?" They both smiled, just a little. "I'm sorry for being forward, but are you Lieutenant Nemu? I've just… heard a lot about you. I just want to tell you that you do a great job, from everything people tell me."

"Well… thankyou."

There was a moment where they looked at each other awkwardly. "Well, I have to go-" they both said, stopped smiled. They turned, said a brief goodbye and walked off.

Nemu paused, turned, not sure why she was saying, "wait. What's your name?"

"Hanatarou Yamada," replied Hanatarou.

"Well, it was nice to meet you," she said, before turning and leaving.

Hanatarou smiled, waved awkwardly even though he knew her back was turned. He smiled the entire way, as did Nemu.

Hanatarou paused as he passed a rose bush. A thought grew in his mind. "Hm," he said, touching a flower gently. He wondered if Nemu liked roses.

He decided he would find out.


End file.
